not so happily married bi girl

not so confused

ok so here it is...
i've been fighting this fight for so long that i don't know how to sort it out
i've always had the feeling that i liked girls a bit too much but i fought it
told myself that it was wrong and i'd grow out of it...but haven't
got married to the 1st guy who asked me, had kids, thought i was happy for a few years but i can't ignore these feelings now
i tell my kids not to hide who they are and to be who they want to be, what a hypocrite!!!
my husband doesn't know that i'm bi and i'm too scared to tell him
he knows i like looking at girls more than men so it might not be such a shock
i just wanted to tell someone so i don't feel so bad for how i feel....i have never kissed a girl but i know i want to, i spend way too much time thinking about this matter, my friends post pics of half naked guys on their facebook pages and it does nothing for me but if i see any of my male friends post pics of girls it shocks me of how much of an impact it has on me
i know what my sexual orientation is but i'm too afraid to let it out, i'm one of those people that believes if i'm married i stay like that until one of us dies which might not be good
sorry for rambling and i'm not sure what good it will do but thanks for reading

Neon_Lights

Just tell him, as long as you intend to stay married then there should be no problem from his point of view.

not so confused

Neon_Lights wrote: »

Just tell him, as long as you intend to stay married then there should be no problem from his point of view.

i do intend on staying married but i think he might find a problem with what i tell him...i'm just waiting for when he's not so busy so we can sit down and talk without him running out the door every time we start...thanks for replying

georgesstreet

not so confused wrote: »

i do intend on staying married but i think he might find a problem with what i tell him...i'm just waiting for when he's not so busy so we can sit down and talk without him running out the door every time we start...thanks for replying

It's difficult to really know what to do. I often think that they only thing we have in a relationship is honesty. Having said that, life is sometimes not black and white and can be confusing.

Sex is a force so powerful that its very power can frighten many of us. We like to think we are in control, and the lack of control we have over our sexual desires can shock us.

The real problem in relationships is that just because we say at one point in time "I will love you forever" doesn't mean that any of us can control who we love in the future. ANyone who thinks about it can see its preposterous to think we can know that we will love someone in 30 years time.

All we can hope is we have chosen wisely and that we will understand our partner as we hope they will understand us if things change, which they invariably do.

The modern advice is to open up, tell all and if only we an all be completely honest with our partners then everything will be ok. Unfortunately the evidence does not support this position. The evidence in countries like, for example France, where affairs are not uncommon, and husbands and wives exist together in harmony, neither asking or telling but realising that sex is just a primary instinct, and where its accepted that sex outside the marriage should be no threat to the marriage itself.

Sexual fidelity in overrated as a virtue so I'd think long and hard before I would tell my partner news they may not want to hear. Thats not to say I would not necessarily tell, but bear in mind many marriages cope well with one or other of the partners having an occasional undisclosed affair.

FairytaleGirl

Dont you think you (and your hubby) deserve to be happy, and with someone who loves them and wants them?
Staying in this relationship when you are clearly having doubts is going to be more damaging to you and your children in the long run.

You are having trouble dealing with these feelings now, what happens if you actually meet a woman you like?
To be honest (and i apologise if Im jumping the gun) its sounds like you are leaning towards women completely.. more than men.

Would you telling your husband you are bisexual remove your wanting to kiss another woman? Doubt it.

If you were simply bisexual why would it matter if you were doing some window shopping? But I think theres more to it, and thats why youre so conflicted.

Would you think twice about looking at pictures of men for instance?

You deserve to explore who you really are, only you know how this would or wouldn't affect your marriage, but you do need to do something.

How old are you?

not so confused

i'm 34 fairytalegirl

cocobear

Very much similar situation myself
I told my wife I was bi about 7 years ago, she was the first person I ever told
I was terrified, it came as a total shock for her and she had to process it for a long time
Before we could talk about it.
We are still together and very happy, she told me she was not prepared to share me with anyone else, but we have a very open and honest relationship, we can be shopping in dunnes and see a hot guy and she will ask if I find him attractive! That sort of thing is cool when you have been in denial most of your life suppressing your sexuality like I was. She is also very supportive and encourages me to go to lgbt events and groups.
I dont for a minute regret telling her, but you must ask yourself knowing your husband how will he take it? Only you know that.
It can be actual breaker for some people, I told my family and very close friends after telling my wife and mentally and physically feel so much better for it.
I am proud to be bi and wouldnt why to be any other way, my wife says " it's who I am and she loves me"

georgesstreet

FairytaleGirl wrote: »

Dont you think you (and your hubby) deserve to be happy, and with someone who loves them and wants them?
Staying in this relationship when you are clearly having doubts is going to be more damaging to you and your children in the long run.

cocobear wrote: »

Very much similar situation myself
I told my wife I was bi about 7 years ago, she was the first person I ever told
I was terrified, it came as a total shock for her and she had to process it for a long time
Before we could talk about it.
We are still together and very happy…"

I don’t understand how you know “staying in this relationship…is going to be more damaging”

Cocobear decided to stay in his relationship and are you saying it’s actually been more damaging for him than not staying in his relationship?

How can any of us possibly know what will be more or less damaging? To state with certainty, as you do, that you know it will be more damaging for the OP to stay in her relationship is just a guess as you can’t possibly know that.

not so confused

thank you for all the advice and cocobear i am so glad things worked out good for you after you told your wife
i've been re-reading all the advice and trying to think about things, i was going to try telling a friend 1st but might not go so well if my hubby finds out i told someone else before him
he is open minded when it comes to things but it might be different if its coming from his wife this time
i doubt i'd find a woman who finds me attractive anyway and no chance to meet any if i did so i'll be staying with my hubby...i do love him but my feelings have changed a bit seeing as its women on my mind too
its ok to look and it is true i do tend to like looking at women more but i do still find men attractive too
hopefully things do turn out ok when we talk but if not then thats what i'll have to deal with
i'm just fed up of being angry at myself for having feelings i can't stop and i want to be happy which it has been a while since i was, i just got so caught up making everyone else happy
i just don't want to hide anymore...thank you again

cocobear

Dont rush into anything pace yourself and wait for what you feel is the right time
Your husband will have a lot of questions and will want them answered.
He may amaze you with his reaction ( after the shock)
As for no woman finding you attractive , one word for that "Bollocks"
I am sure many many women would be attracted to you
If you do decide to come out to your husband you will find it is a enormous weight
Off your shoulders,
I n my circumstances I am only sorry I didn't embrace my sexuality in my teens,
But this is often a recurring problem for bisexuals specifically

Ambersky

There is often a reaction here to posts that imply or directly say that bisexuals cant be trusted. The thinking seems to be that no matter which gender they choose a bisexual will always feel unfulfilled and want someone of the other gender for sexual or maybe social reasons.
Arguments against this idea claim that there is no reason for bisexuals to be less faithful than homosexuals or heterosexuals because people will always have the capacity to find someone else attractive and it doesn't matter whether that is a man or a woman as long as you still are attracted to and committed to your partner.
In real life situations things can be more complicated for people and all kinds of ideas and fears can be going around in your head, including the two just mentioned and with nothing black and white.

So I have a couple of questions for you not so confused.
Are you happy sexually and emotionally in the relationship you are now in, because you say you are happy and yet you also say it has been a while since you've been happy.
It sounds to me like you are focusing the problem on your husbands reaction and how he might take it before you have really examined what it means for you.
It also sounds like you dont know what you are going to need to tell your husband. If it is a simple revelation that you like women, well yes that wouldn't be so bad, would it and you could swop fancying stories.
If it meant that the feelings you have when you are with a woman are so different and preferable to being with a man and your husband in particular, that would be a much different story and might have different consequences.

There are counselors who help people work out what is going out for them in the middle of situations where there are many voices calling for attention and it is hard to hear your own and decide what to do about it.
Im not saying you should do that, just saying it is an option and I am recognizing that it sounds like a difficult situation with no easy answer.

Also you might like to know that you are not alone in having had such feelings or in going through a dilemma like this. There are lots of women like you but it is up to you of course to decide what it means for you and to make your own decisions.

not so confused

Ambersky wrote: »

So I have a couple of questions for you not so confused.
Are you happy sexually and emotionally in the relationship you are now in, because you say you are happy and yet you also say it has been a while since you've been happy.
It sounds to me like you are focusing the problem on your husbands reaction and how he might take it before you have really examined what it means for you.
It sounds like you dont know what you are going to need to tell your husband. If it is a simple revelation that you like women, well yes that wouldn't be so bad, would it and you could swop fancying stories.
If it meant that the feelings you have when you are with a woman are so different and preferable to being with a man and your husband in particular, that would be a much different story and might have different consequences.

There are counselors who help people work out what is going out for them in the middle of situations where there are many voices calling for attention and it is hard to hear your own and decide what to do about it.
Im not saying you should do that, just saying it is an option and I am recognizing that it sounds like a difficult situation with no easy answer.

Also you might like to know that you are not alone in having had such feelings or in going through a dilemma like this. There are lots of women like you but it is up to you of course to decide what it means for you and to make your own decisions.

myself and my husbands physical relationship is ok at the moment, well its not boring when we have the time to be together, we haven't talked in awhile his head is somewhere else too (work stuff)
i just want him to know so i'm not hiding anymore, i've spent a lot of my life hiding things from people i just don't want to hide this anymore
my friends and family thought i was gay as a teen because i didn't want a boyfriend but when i got married they stopped with the questions
it should of been obvious when i had crushes on my female teachers and the male ones too but it just never clicked
i'm going to try and find someone in a position to discuss these things with me
i just feel like this is a wall between everything at the moment

cocobear

You reach a certain stage in your life, where you are tired of not bring your true self,
And just want to be honest and open about things that perhaps you were not mature enough or confident enough to admit to when younger.
Going through puberty is hard being attracted to males and females, seriously confusing,
I actually thought there was somthing wrong with me!
And when I did engage in same sex activity, I suffered from a lot of misguided guilt afterwards,
A lot of bisexuals dont come out until they are married and have children.

Ambersky

How did you deal with having same sex activity cocobear. You say you suffered misguided guilt. Was that guilt about the same sex activity itself, thinking that there was something wrong with that and/or was there guilt around having an opposite sex partner at the same time.

cocobear

Ambersky the guilt was about the same sex activity
I was very innocent and nieve and shy, I never confided in anyone
Desire would build overtime and gather momentum,
The same sex activity was very exciting, felt right and I really loved it, but as soon as
the actual deed was done from my side with another guy, I would feel disgusted with myself and what I had done, I felt I was some kind of pervert, I shouldnt want to get naked with another guy and do those things with him, I should only be interested in girls only , but I liked both!
How did I deal with it? I didnt and that was the problem, I should have told someone
I didnt even hear the term bisexual until I was in my mid twenties
This was all before I met my wife, but I am still very much a bisexual, I miss same sex activity but now I have someone to talk to about it, my wife ruled it out in our marriage and you have to prioritize whats the most important thing, which for me is a happy loving wife and beautiful children. It's not easy at times granted but thats me.

pharmaton

not so confused wrote: »

myself and my husbands physical relationship is ok at the moment, well its not boring when we have the time to be together, we haven't talked in awhile his head is somewhere else too (work stuff)
i just want him to know so i'm not hiding anymore, i've spent a lot of my life hiding things from people i just don't want to hide this anymore
my friends and family thought i was gay as a teen because i didn't want a boyfriend but when i got married they stopped with the questions
it should of been obvious when i had crushes on my female teachers and the male ones too but it just never clicked
i'm going to try and find someone in a position to discuss these things with me
i just feel like this is a wall between everything at the moment

I'd suggest talking to someone in a professionally capacity first, your post states that you are unhappily married so maybe tackling that issue should be a priority for you.
Simplifying things by focusing on your bisexualilty seems to be where you're at right now but even if you do feel that discussing this with your husband is the correct and only solution, where does it leave you both after the fact?

Do you feel like you are missing out on a part of life and will you find that you've regretted not acting on those impulses previously? If you had previously been in a same sex relationship perhaps it would be understandable that you would like him to know this side of you too but throwing it out there just for the sake of not wanting to hide something you'e never experienced leaves me thinking that it is something you want to try and given that you are married is going to have some kind of knock on effect on both your lives, even if your husband is accepting of it.


also surprised no one has suggested asking your husband if he would like a threesome yet.

not so confused

pharmaton wrote: »

I'd suggest talking to someone in a professionally capacity first, your post states that you are unhappily married so maybe tackling that issue should be a priority for you.
Simplifying things by focusing on your bisexualilty seems to be where you're at right now but even if you do feel that discussing this with your husband is the correct and only solution, where does it leave you both after the fact?

Do you feel like you are missing out on a part of life and will you find that you've regretted not acting on those impulses previously? If you had previously been in a same sex relationship perhaps it would be understandable that you would like him to know this side of you too but throwing it out there just for the sake of not wanting to hide something you'e never experienced leaves me thinking that it is something you want to try and given that you are married is going to have some kind of knock on effect on both your lives, even if your husband is accepting of it.


also surprised no one has suggested asking your husband if he would like a threesome yet.

for one thing its not a case of wanting something extra other than my marriage...it isn't an option, haven't you ever held on to something you thought might damage your relationship if you never told someone you thought that might need to know or not needed to know
i've never had any other relationship same sex or any other before my husband so i don't know if i should or shouldn't inform him what is distracting me
i grew up in a very strict religious house and if i even looked at picture of a naked person i'd get punished for it so it was very confusing, i had no one to answer my questions of how i was feeling

and what makes you think that i'd be up for a 3 some even if my husband was
i'm a one person girl
i'm just using this page as a reference to help me work things out 1st until i take my next step whether i inform anyone or not

thanks though

cocobear

Whats your husband's opinion on lesbianism homosexuality etc in general??

pharmaton

not so confused wrote: »

for one thing its not a case of wanting something extra other than my marriage...it isn't an option, haven't you ever held on to something you thought might damage your relationship if you never told someone you thought that might need to know or not needed to know
i've never had any other relationship same sex or any other before my husband so i don't know if i should or shouldn't inform him what is distracting me
i grew up in a very strict religious house and if i even looked at picture of a naked person i'd get punished for it so it was very confusing, i had no one to answer my questions of how i was feeling

and what makes you think that i'd be up for a 3 some even if my husband was
i'm a one person girl
i'm just using this page as a reference to help me work things out 1st until i take my next step whether i inform anyone or not

thanks though

I'm not inferring you want to have a threesome.

I'd ask you to consider if your sexuality would still be an issue if you were happily married. If you believe it would be just as relevant then, it shouldn't be so difficult to approach the subject with your husband. Would it be so difficult to pass comment on someone you found attractive on tv for example, a female celeb that you would "do" maybe. Most women have no inhibitions when it comes to acknowledging another attractive woman, even to the point where they would question even if only jokingly their sexuality in the process. This is something that can be shared in the spirit of the moment with their husbands/partners and for most wouldn't be a threatening topic to cover.
If this is as much as you want with your husband, just to be able to acknowledge the appeal of same sex attraction, try it and see how it feels to open up to him in that way. This way it never has to go any further and you get what you want out of your system.

If you think your relationship is too delicate for this simple kind of approach then it might be that there are other issues there that need to be worked on first.

not so confused

cocobear wrote: »

Whats your husband's opinion on lesbianism homosexuality etc in general??

his best friend is gay so he's ok with the whole aspect in general and if our kids were to say they were gay he said he'd be fine with that too

not so confused

pharmaton wrote: »

I'm not inferring you want to have a threesome.

I'd ask you to consider if your sexuality would still be an issue if you were happily married. If you believe it would be just as relevant then, it shouldn't be so difficult to approach the subject with your husband. Would it be so difficult to pass comment on someone you found attractive on tv for example, a female celeb that you would "do" maybe. Most women have no inhibitions when it comes to acknowledging another attractive woman, even to the point where they would question even if only jokingly their sexuality in the process. This is something that can be shared in the spirit of the moment with their husbands/partners and for most wouldn't be a threatening topic to cover.
If this is as much as you want with your husband, just to be able to acknowledge the appeal of same sex attraction, try it and see how it feels to open up to him in that way. This way it never has to go any further and you get what you want out of your system.

If you think your relationship is too delicate for this simple kind of approach then it might be that there are other issues there that need to be worked on first.

we both discuss who we think is nice looking male or female
we have talked about things a few years ago and he knows women turn me on and he might of guessed already but i'd like to know one day if he does know

pharmaton

not so confused wrote: »

we both discuss who we think is nice looking male or female
we have talked about things a few years ago and he knows women turn me on and he might of guessed already but i'd like to know one day if he does know

your posts are becoming contradictory. He knows because you've already discussed it but yet you want to know that he really knows.? I'm either after hitting a nerve somewhere else in the thread or there is more to this than just having the chat with your husband.

pharmaton

when I was 19 I told my then partner (and father of my child) that I didn't feel like I was straight. I told him I thought maybe I was gay and even though I had no intention of acting on it, or had any kind of same sex relationship I knew that I was never going to be happy with him but very capable of living happily with a female friend and eventually went on to do so, albeit in a platonic sense. (and still a much more fulfilling relationship in every way)
His response was to tell me that I wasn't in fact gay. I accepted his answer but still decided I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore anyway and maybe hoped that if he knew I just wasn't attracted to him that would make it easier for him to let go. Doesn't really work like that though.
I was 33 before I managed to step out of the box and discover for myself how I really felt.