Friday Funnies

MonkieSocks

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”

He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said,

“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”

“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

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Ari and Shlomo are walking down the street in Brooklyn.

They come to a Catholic church with a big sign outside:

"COME INSIDE - CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM - GET $100!"

Ari says, "What do you think?"

Shlomo shrugs. "I guess it wouldn't do any harm to find out."

He goes inside, and Ari waits on the sidewalk.

After ten minutes Shlomo comes back outside.

"So," Ari asks, "did you convert? Did you get the hundred bucks?"

Shlomo narrows his eyes and says, "It's always about the money with you Jews!"

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Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions:

One says, "I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well, it’s when you get your mate down on all fours, and you mount her from behind.

You then reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and then you whisper in her ear,

"Boy, these feel just like your sister's. And then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

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A guy is walking down the street when he sees a big dyke walking toward him with a duck under her arm.

"Hey!" says the guy. "Where'd you get the pig?"

"It's not a pig, stupid!" growls the dyke. "It's a duck."

The guy says "I was talking to the duck!"