Should I be jealous?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Reluctant post, but it's something that's been at me for a while. Myself and my boyfriend are together over a year, and it's been great. We're really close and spend lots of time together.

However, the problem lies in his intended trip away. A friend of his moved away last year, and they were really close. I've met her once, before she left again. Got on fine, she's really nice. A few months after this, my boyfriend said in passing that he'd slept with her before. Since then, I can't even think about it without getting a knot in my stomach and feeling sick.

He has a big group of friends, and a lot of them are girls. I'm fine with this because at the end of the day, I'm his girlfriend. This particular friend makes me feel very uncomfortable, and I really feel like I need to say something to him but I'm afraid that I'm overreacting.

Basically, I want to know what to do now. Do I say something or do I just get over it?

Holsten

Wait... your boyfriend is going on a trip to visit his female friend who he has already slept with? With a group? Alone? Is this correct?

Esoteric_

If it's a trip to see her, stay in her house, alone and he has slept with her previously, I'd hit the roof over it, tbh.

LegacyUser

He's going alone for around a week.

Tasden

So he's going away to where she is I'm guessing?
I mean you can't help how you feel, there's no should or shouldn't, its how you deal with your feelings that is important. I think everyone gets jealous and it can't always be helped and sometimes it is irrational and other times its pretty understandable. I think in your case its natural to be jealous of a friend whom he had a physical relationship with, however brief it was.

But maybe try to decipher why it is you feel the need to speak to him. Is it because you want reassurance that nothing will happen? Is it that you want to warn him against doing anything? Or stop him seeing her?

I think its fine to discuss your feelings with him in such a way that you are telling him that the problem lies with you- in that you have the insecurities- and that you just wanted to let him know. But I don't think it should go further than that because at the end of the day she is his friend and its not your place.

If it helps, I have a close friend who I dated for a while, it fizzled out to a great friendship. There are no feelings now and it is purely platonic, so maybe its similar for them two.

Hope this helps, its only my opinion though!

strobe

There's no reason why you shouldn't say something to him. He's your boyfriend you should be comfortable bringing things up with him. If you're feeling a little uncomfortable or insecure then mention it to him. Give him the oppurtunity to reassure you and put your mind at ease.

DO NOT "hit the roof over it". He hasn't done anything wrong and you'd come across a bit nuts seeing as you haven't even mentioned feeling a bit insecure about this girl to him.

I slept with a good few of my female friends over the years. Usually a once off when we'd both had a bit too much to drink and both felt a bit silly for having done it in the morning. We were all friends for a long time, since we were teenagers. A lot of the group slept with each other at one time or another. It's not a big deal or means much of anything.

But yeah, let him know how you're feeling, in a calm and reasonable manner and see what he says.

JaneeMack

What is the reason for him to go to see this girl? Why can't he wait until she comes back home to catch up? If he has to go, why isn't he including you in the trip - it could be a nice holiday for you both and you could hang out with his friend as she would know the city?

When he told you about the two of them hooking up together before, did you tell him how you felt about it? Is he aware of how you feel about that incident?

You have every reason to feel insecure and if he respects how you feel (given that he is aware of how you feel) he probably shouldn't do it. My guess is he probably doesn't know that you're feeling this way. Please tell him that you feel uncomfortable!

Tasden

JaneeMack wrote: »

You have every reason to feel insecure and if he respects how you feel (given that he is aware of how you feel) he probably shouldn't do it. My guess is he probably doesn't know that you're feeling this way. Please tell him that you feel uncomfortable!

Can't say I agree with that, its perfectly fine for op to be insecure but I don't think her partner should cancel because she's uncomfortable with it. You can respect that someone is uncomfortable with a situation and assure them and ease their concerns without actually changing your plans.
I agree that op should discuss her concerns and allow her partner to explain things and maybe that might ease her feelings but I don't think she should discuss it with the goal being for him to cancel. I mean its his friend and his choice. Yes, he should be sensitive to her feelings but that doesn't mean he should pander to them either. Not saying you expect him to op!

JaneeMack

Tasden wrote: »

Can't say I agree with that, its perfectly fine for op to be insecure but I don't think her partner should cancel because she's uncomfortable with it. You can respect that someone is uncomfortable with a situation and assure them and ease their concerns without actually changing your plans.

I meant to say he shouldn't HAVE done it :P

LegacyUser

You guys are great, thanks for the help!

He kind of said it in passing, which is why it didn't sink in with me straight away.

I've every intention of talking to him about it, I just don't know how to bring it up. That, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't over reacting.

I trust him completely, and I'm not a jealous person, which is why I'm being cautious about saying something. I'm a bit put out because he didn't even ask me what I thought, or if I wanted to go.

I'm just really uncomfortable about it because just after he slept with her, she got offered a job abroad and took it. I kind of feel like this is why they aren't together, and that really gets to me.

Tasden

Honestly just say what you did there! He's human too, he's felt insecure before, its not like he'll be annoyed at you for your feelings.

Holsten

originalposterhere wrote: »

He's going alone for around a week.

Whoa... I would not be comfortable with this AT ALL!

LegacyUser

originalposterhere wrote: »

I trust him completely, and I'm not a jealous person, which is why I'm being cautious about saying something. I'm a bit put out because he didn't even ask me what I thought, or if I wanted to go.

I'm just really uncomfortable about it because just after he slept with her, she got offered a job abroad and took it. I kind of feel like this is why they aren't together, and that really gets to me.

Wow, I think you are under reacting and i'm surprised by the replies here. I don't understand how anyone who has been in a serious relationship would think this is okay.

She is essentially an ex, and he is going to spend a week holidaying with her, staying with her, eating out with her, sightseeing with her, and he didnt even bother to invite his girlfriend or consult you about it.

That is absolutely not okay and i'd be extremely suspect that he is trying to make another go of things with her.

If they are partying and drinking, will they end up accidentally sleeping together again?

There's no way I would be okay with my partner doing this.