Should I talk to my mam?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Just wanted to get some impartial advice about my relationship with my mother because everyone I can talk to has their own biases about the situation.

Basically I believe from experience that trying to have a relationship with my mum only makes me unhappy. I don't think she cares about me, for example for the last year I have been living near UCD for college and it has never occurred to her to visit me, she wouldn't even know how to find my house.

When I was young she split from my dad and moved me and my brother in with her new alcoholic partner who proceeded to bully me. He would scream and shout at me when drunk and my mum would just say "there's no point arguing with him when he's drunk".

Recently I had been getting on a lot better with my mum and had pretty much forgiven her for how I was treated when I was young. Then one day while trying to complete a college project in her house I asked if I could stay one more night to get it done. She just said "no", I had overstayed my welcome. She said "this is not fair on me [and my partner], you have already been here for a week and I want to have the house to myself". So I had to pack my bags and head back up to Dublin late at night. Shortly afterwards I was diagnosed with mild depression and ended up on antidepressants and Xanax which I am still taking.

This suggests to me that I should avoid having a relationship with my mum. She is not good for me health wise.

However she has been whining to her friend about not understanding why I don't get on with her anymore. Her friend is like a mother to me, at one stage she took me in when I had nowhere to go. But she is clearly biased when it comes to my mother. She thinks it would be great if I could make it up with my mam.

Do you think that I should try to "be adult" about the whole thing and try to have a civil relationship with her, or do you think I am risking getting hurt by doing this and should protect myself by avoiding her?

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this.

DjangoMc

Hi OP.

The only thing I can suggest is could you sit down with your mam and talk things over "like adults"? I know from my own experience, you can be constantly trying to have a civil relationship, for it to break down again and to be told "try again".

As I said above, just try and talk it out first, if that doesn't go well, I'm afraid its time to get on with your life.

I hope everything works out for you OP

freshpopcorn

You need to talk to your mam to be honest.
I wouldn't worry about her not visiting you because not many people's parents visit them in college. Often parents are of the opinion that their children wouldn't want them around their student house.
When you mention about the project and your mam asking you to leave. They might have wanted a bit of private time because she could have had something planned to do with her partner and you were their for a week already. Its not like she kicked you out onto the street. You did have your Student house to go to in Dublin.

LegacyUser

freshpopcorn wrote: »

You need to talk to your mam to be honest.
I wouldn't worry about her not visiting you because not many people's parents visit them in college. Often parents are of the opinion that their children wouldn't want them around their student house.
When you mention about the project and your mam asking you to leave. They might have wanted a bit of private time because she could have had something planned to do with her partner and you were their for a week already. Its not like she kicked you out onto the street. You did have your Student house to go to in Dublin.

You see she actually did kick me out when I was 17. She sent me to live with my dad because her partner didn't like me and I haven't lived with her since. I only stay at her house very rarely, and this was one of those few time that I was staying. She definitely wasn't going anywhere because she never goes out for meals. She can't because her partner is an alcoholic who can't even go to a restaurant without being tempted with drink. They stay in all the time.

Also the reason she wouldn't visit me is because she is not bothered, for example on my graduation from my honours degree she wanted me to get the bus from the South side to DCU because she wasn't bothered to collect me. My boyfriend picked me up instead.

username123

Why not just distance your relationship a bit more? A lot of the times people have certain expectations about relationships and the reality turns out to be different to their expectations and then they feel hurt. So manage your expectations, be civil, but be a bit more distant. Your mother isnt visiting you, let it go, its not gonna happen, so dont be feeling bad over it, its only a waste of energy. When you visit her, just go for a short visit, not a week, dont stay over - clearly she likes her own space, so just manage the relationship that way.

You can go all out and cut her off completely, but generally speaking maintaining distance and managing your expectations is the easiest way to handle difficult people and it prevents a whole load of drama and upset.

IrishEyes19

mummydearest2342 wrote: »

You see she actually did kick me out when I was 17. She sent me to live with my dad because her partner didn't like me and I haven't lived with her since. I only stay at her house very rarely, and this was one of those few time that I was staying. She definitely wasn't going anywhere because she never goes out for meals. She can't because her partner is an alcoholic who can't even go to a restaurant without being tempted with drink. They stay in all the time.

Also the reason she wouldn't visit me is because she is not bothered, for example on my graduation from my honours degree she wanted me to get the bus from the South side to DCU because she wasn't bothered to collect me. My boyfriend picked me up instead.

OP, how is your relationship with your dad? I only ask because sometimes people are selfish, your mother does not sound like she has your best interests at heart. And I dont think its good for you to be having this stress while in college, thats tough enough. If things are good with your dad, then at least you have him in your life and thats important, but Im so sorry for what you are going through. But its not your fault and there is no point stressing yourself when you are already dealing with your own issues.

LegacyUser

Thanks IrishEyes, unfortunately my relationship with my dad is pretty non-existent. My mum left him because of his anger problems, though it was fine to ship me off to him when her new partner got sick of me. I spent my time with my dad getting screamed and shouted at.

For example sometimes when I was having a shower he would notice something that I had done wrong, so he would bang and kick the door of the bathroom, screaming at me to stop showering so he could give out. I would stand in the shower sopping wet while he shouted. If I tried to turn it back on because I was getting cold he would bang the door some more. The rants would last about a half an hour.

When I think about what happened to me I get so angry, and what is there to look forward when people are so horrible. People are capable so many bad things, and I'm tired of discovering the new lows that my parents will sink to in how they treat me.

ivytwine

Aw jesus OP that's just horrible. I've no real advice but try, hard as it can be, to remember that horrible people are the exception rather than the rule. You got unlucky with your parents, but that doesn't mean it's a lifelong pattern.

Keep the chin up my friend, you're doing great. You're in college!

Have you considered counselling? It's a great way to unpick all these issues. It can give you the tools to deal with difficult people x