What would you do if an accident left your partner mentally and physically disabled?

ibarelycare

I was reading this story today on the Daily Mail (I know, I know). A young American couple got together in 2005. In 2006, Ian was in a car accident that left him with a severe brain injury. Last year the couple got married after Larissa sought approval from a judge, as Ian is unable to make those kinds of decisions. He can't talk, walk, feed himself, etc.

Larissa writes on her blog:

And even though we chose marriage, we chose it sadly. Sorrow has been a permanent resident in our 20s. It feels like the rest of the world uses these years for really fun things. But in our 20s, we have watched our future crash with him in that white station wagon and we now live with two versions of Ian. Weʼve watched all of our friends get married and have health. Iʼve watched as my girlfriends and sisters found husbands who could dance with them at their weddings and drive them to church on Sunday morning. Weʼve watched our dad fight and be taken by brain cancer, only to see life keep marching on.

You can see from the videos and images on the blog and article, how severe his disability actually is.

Although I admire this woman for what she's doing, I really can't get my head around being in that situation. She is a wonderful person, but is it really a marriage? She's 27 and is a 24-hour carer for her disabled husband. No children, no sex life, no holidays... I wonder is this the life that her husband would really want for her. My boyfriend and I have spoken about it, and we both said that if either of us was left severely disabled, we'd want the other person to move on with their lives. Of course if you're left mentally disabled, then the choice is taken away from you.

Larissa is obviously an extremely selfless person, but I also feel like she is a bit of a martyr. You can see from her blog that she is very religious, so she obviously believes that this is the path god has chosen for her.


What do you think you would do in a similar situation?

run like fcuk

Festy

Poor girl

I would never be able to guess how I'd react. I'd have to be in the situation. Maybe she loves him so much that being his wife and being in his life under these conditions is better than not being with him at all.

Menas

Some people have a real natural ability to be a 'carer'.

I know I don't but don't want to imagine the type of situation where I would need to contemplate it.

Fuzzytrooper

I couldnt leave my wife.

lkionm

When you said no sex life I picture her standing in front of him flicking her bean saying la la la la you will never get this in a borat voice.

lkionm

lkionm wrote: »

When you said no sex life I picture her standing in front of him flicking her bean saying la la la la you will never get this in a borat voice.

Seriously inappropriate answer, even for here.

lkionm

Candie wrote: »

Seriously inappropriate answer, even for here.

Not really? Why so..

gg2

The poor girl......... I can honestly say if this happened to my OH I would find it extremely difficult to leave him though I know it would eventually happen as he just be a shell of the person I once loved...... It doesn't bear thinking about to be honest

kerry4sam

She is one amazing person

Difficult to know for sure. What I do know is that people who love me have made some huge sacrifices for me when I've needed them to; and I have made some tough decisions and some damn big sacrifices for people that I love to pieces also.
I'd do anything for those who needed me! I'd give up everything for those that I love if the situation arose.

It's difficult to know though unless you find yourself in a situation and know what sacrifices have to be made and know what is being asked of you.

BillyMitchel

Raddit had a great discussion about something similar awhile back and a man made his wife fall and she went into a coma and she eventually died. He started a blog pretty soon after and it became pretty famous over in the states so everyone was following and then came an insurance payout from the death and they always wanted to travel the world so he said he'd do it and see how it made him feel. Traveled for the year, went to all the places they wanted to go and still felt very empty.

Came back after the year and realised he just couldn't live without his wife and killed himself.

The videos and writings he done up to his death was some of the saddest things I've ever witnessed. It made me cry like a little girl

Had that much affect on people and their actions that his family got the site taken down.

Stinicker

If it happened to me I would expect my Girlfriend or Wife to leave me and live the rest of their life without I being a burden, it would be my wish that they move on an forget about me. As one parting farewell I would hope that they could assist me in euthanasia to end my suffering and allow them to have my death as closure.

keeponhurling

Stay with them, as per the Terms & Conditions of marriage - in sickness or in health

lkionm

lkionm wrote: »

Not really? Why so..

Because the subject is a terrible tragedy and it's after effects, and there may be someone reading in a similar situation who won't really want to read a vulgar joke about it.

Systemic Risk

lkionm wrote: »

Not really? Why so..

I'm generally not one to be shocked by a comment on AH but that one kinda gave me a jolt. I dont know why, maybe because OP asked us to contemplate a really sad situation and apply it to the one we love which caused a huge level of empathy towards the woman in question. In that state of mind your comment was a bit inappropriate.

mathie

lkionm wrote: »

When you said no sex life I picture her standing in front of him flicking her bean saying la la la la you will never get this in a borat voice.

lkionm wrote: »

Not really? Why so..

Troll your wares elsewhere.

[-0-]

A friend of mine is with a girl who had some sort of a stroke and can't talk or walk anymore. She isn't the person she used to be, but he's not going anywhere. Very admirable.

anncoates

It's a horrible situation to be in. I'd have sympathy for anybody that couldn't do it but If I walked away from somebody like that, I think it would just end up tainting any other relationship I had.

Gannicus

First off: I have the utmost respect for her dedication to her then boyfriend - now husband.

I can honestly say that if I were put in that position I would not be able to do the same thing. I don't think I would emotionally or psychologically capable of handling it.

I've had this dicussion with a firend of mine before.

In 2010 (i think) he got with a girl who has cystic fibrosis and doctors have said may she not live past 35 based on the severity of it and they are both turning 30 in the next 12 months. He has also proposed to her in the last few months.

He posed the very same question to me as the OP has posted here. Obviously I had to be tactful about it and I told him that nobody can tell him who he should or shouldn't be with as long as he's "happy" (loosely termed IMHO) but I think, and this may sound slightly draconion, that they should not be together. Bear in mind I would never EVER tell him that.

I understand its most definitely up to the person/people involved, but to be put through that only to know the quality of life they have and you will be restricted to is for me not worth it.

keeponhurling

Systemic Risk wrote: »

I'm generally not one to be shocked by a comment on AH but that one kinda gave me a jolt. I dont know why, maybe because OP asked us to contemplate a really sad situation and apply it to the one we love which caused a huge level of empathy towards the woman in question. In that state of mind your comment was a bit inappropriate.

Is it an inappropriate comment/joke? Or is it an inappropriate topic for After hours?

Systemic Risk

keeponhurling wrote: »

Is it an inappropriate comment/joke? Or is it an inappropriate topic for After hours?

Good question. I dont know.

keano_afc

When I married my wife it was forever and nothing would change that.

HalloweenJack

My brother was born severely mentally and physically disabled. He is mobile but despite being 27, physically he's about 12 and mentally he's about 2 or 3.

He lives in a nursing home but up until he was about 22/23, he lived at home with us. I lived with two other siblings and my mother. We pretty much always had a carer (either live-in or for the afternoons and mornings when he wasn't in a daycare centre).

It is far from easy to live with a disabled person. He can't speak properly, he gets frustrated when he can't express himself, he is very demanding, he needs a lot of attention 'cause he's always full of energy. He isn't toilet trained. You can't take your eye off him 'cause he's a lot smarter and stronger than he looks. We all had different spells of looking after him and it always takes a lot out of you.

Now, I love my brother to bits and I can't imagine how life would be if he were different and, tbh, I wouldn't want him to be any different 'cause then he wouldn't be my brother.

However, having grown up in that situation, I know I wouldn't voluntarily put myself into a position where I'd be a full-time carer for someone. It's just not in me.

As someone above mentioned, there are some people who do have it in them and all the carers that have looked after him at one point or another have been brilliant but I know that I'm not that kind of person and I can honestly say that the idea of caring for someone in that way for the rest of my life does not appeal to me in the slightest and I really don't think I could ever do it, regardless of the importance to me of the person involved.

ibarelycare

For those of you who have mentioned sticking to your marriage vows, can I ask if you weren't married and an accident happened to your partner to leave them like Ian, would you still marry them?

RoyalMarine

I don't know about marriage after the accident, but I guess it would depend on the disability. If my gf wanted to, then I would have zero problem with it.

I'd never leave her regardless of the difficulties.

But I would want her to leave me if I had the accident. I wouldn't want her struggling for the next 40+ years of her life.

soap1978

Poor tommy

UBERTILT

Stock up on Fizzy Orange?

Maximus Alexander

I already told my other half, after watching a documentary about this, that if it were ever to happen to me she is not to spend her life taking care of me.

If the roles were reversed, I don't know what I would do. Doesn't bear thinking about, so I won't.

Miss Lockhart

All hypothetical as there is no partner, but presuming a serious committed relationship:

If the disability was physical only I would stick around. I'm not sure I could provide full time care, but I would do my best to be there for them as much as possible and to contiinue the relationship even if it was bad enough for them to require residential care.

If the disability affected their mental capacity then it would depend entirely on the extent I think. I feel horrible writing that but if they were so severely affected so as to no longer be capable of being in an adult relationship then I don't think it would be good for either of us, or appropriate, to continue. In that case I think I would have to move on but again, I think I would still want to remain in their life to ensure their care.

Canis Lupus

I'd leave and expect if the roles were reversed for the same thing to happen. It's a harsh opinion but even if she doesn't think so, I can't help but see two lives destroyed in that accident. His disability and her inability to let go.

LoonyLovegood

If I was married, I wouldn't leave. No matter how badly disabled my partner was, I wouldn't be able to. Even if I wasn't, I'd find it very difficult to leave.

karareilly

i would stick by him... no matter how hard it got

WinnyThePoo

I'd never leave her. Never , she is too much, she is everything to me.

SEPT 23 1989

I would hope she knows me well enough by now to put a pillow over my face if i ever ended up in that state

Sleepy

If she was that severely brain damaged "she" would be gone already tbh.

Honestly, I don't know what I'd do in the situation but I know I'd much rather be killed than remain alive in that condition to be a burden on those who love me.

NegativeCreep

I'd leave them. I know I sound horrible saying that but there's no way I could let it.ruin my life too. I'm fairly selfish.

Zillah

A lot of people talking about how they couldn't leave the person they love.

How about a motionless zombie that looks just like them? Because that's what massive brain trauma can do. It's like the Terry Schiavo case; just because you can see your loved one lying on a bed doesn't mean your loved one is with you anymore.

I find the whole thing a sad, gruesome debacle.

Karl Stein

Thread needs a poll.

I'd run like fuck
I'd stick by him/her
Robocop.

SmokeyEyes

I'd stick with him no matter what happened and I know he'd do the same for me, obviously it's a very personal choice but for us we're together for life whatever it throws at us

old hippy

I couldn't leave her and vice versa.

Neyite

ibarelycare wrote: »

For those of you who have mentioned sticking to your marriage vows, can I ask if you weren't married and an accident happened to your partner to leave them like Ian, would you still marry them?

I'm engaged. I don't think I could leave if something happened to him like that. And I know what its like to be a carer - I saw and helped someone very close to me do that for several years - so I don't say it lightly.

I think I would still marry if I could. Even for practical reasons, I'd be his next of kin, (or vice versa) and I know that he would want me making decisions about his care. As well as that, we have a child together, and I'd say that would be one of the few things left that could bring lots of daily love and laughter to an otherwise difficult existence. How could I leave him to only see his child on weekends?

I dunno, it just feels like I'm meant to be with him for life, whatever way it unfolds for us or for however long we have it for. Nothing is forever.

Potatoeman

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

I already told my other half, after watching a documentary about this, that if it were ever to happen to me she is not to spend her life taking care of me.

If the roles were reversed, I don't know what I would do. Doesn't bear thinking about, so I won't.

Isn't your answer the same though? I would read that as I wouldn't hang around if I don't expect my partner to.

Chazz Michael Michaels

I'd throw her to the pigs...

old hippy

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

I'd throw her to the pigs...

Would she be able to tell the difference between said pigs and doting hubbie?

loveisdivine

I know for a fact if the same thing happened to my husband he would want euthanasia and I would help him do it.

Then I would carry on with life.

Theres no scenario where either one of us would want to stay that mentally and physically disabled and have the other live with it forever too.

SeventySix

loveisdivine wrote: »

I know for a fact if the same thing happened to my husband he would want euthanasia and I would help him do it.

Then I would carry on with life.

Theres no scenario where either one of us would want to stay that mentally and physically disabled and have the other live with it forever too.

Have ye agreed on how bad it would have to be?

The man in this story is bad but is getting better slowly. I am guessing he will never be the man he was but saying that if that man was your husband you would kill him is a bit much. Its not like he is in a locked in state or permanently vegatative or even in pain. It would be murder to 'euthanise' him in his current state. He might be perfectly happy most of the time (as he doesnt know what he has lost). Residental care might be a more resonable 'get out' clause if you dont want to be a full time carer.

padd b1975

lkionm wrote: »

When you said no sex life I picture her standing in front of him flicking her bean saying la la la la you will never get this in a borat voice.

Would you and the muppets who thanked your post ever grow up FFS!!

Zillah

Zillah wrote: »

A lot of people talking about how they couldn't leave the person they love.

How about a motionless zombie that looks just like them?.

A relative of mine was severely disabled in an accident and not a single member of the family has ever thought of her as a motionless zombie, or a facsimile of who she was.

whatdoicare

Jeezus, I would hate to be that kind of burden on someone, I'd rather be put out of my misery. I never understood this keeping a person alive no matter what mentality. What benefit does it have for the person or their family??

My husband feels the same way. I wouldn't leave him but I wouldn't agree to be his sole carer either and he wouldn't want me to be.

Horrible thought

Stained Class

Haven't read thru all this, but the thread title caught my eye.

My answer is, Yes I would care for my partner.

Why?

2 reasons.

1 Not to be mushy or anything, but I love her & we're together till one of us dies(unless she gets fed up with me of course)

2 If I did leave, what example would it set to our kids? What kind of people would that make them?