is sex as important as I'm making it?

LegacyUser

Hi there,
So.... been with my man for over 3 years and due to get married late next year. We're besotted with each other, crazy in love and always have been. We go for a drink together on our own, go for walks, spend gorgeous "quality" time together alot, tell each other every day we love each other and both often comment on how happy we are. However, his sex drive has just gone to pot! I would say on average I'd be lucky if we had sex more than once/ twice a month. We're both in our thirties and the fact that we're not even married yet or dont have children makes me extremely worried for what lies ahead. He always compliments me when i look nice, I'm slightly overweight but not by much, size 14 to be exact and often get positive male attention when I'm out so can't be a complete munter! ( I dont dress like a slut but have been told alot that im quite attractive). It's also worth noting that up until this started happening I always had a good sex drive, as did he from what we talked about at the start of our relationship. I have tried dressing up for him and all those other things they tell you in couples advise tv programmes as well but it doesn't seem to have an effect!

He's been taking mild pills for anxiety the last 6 months or so and even though that has helped his mood (he used to be on a short fuse all the time) I think it has made his libido even worse. I've tried to talk to him about it and he laughs as though I'm being silly cause he loves me so much, and doesn't see the importance of sex at all anymore. He doesnt see why we need it!
Although it contradicts how I know he feels about me, I can't help but feel rotten and unattractive and all those other insecurities us women have at the best of times.

So am I over reacting? Is it really that important? Am I freaking out over nothing and un necessarily thinking too much about the future and what may come of this?

I really don't know how to approach this anymore or even what to think about it all........

Merkin

womenhaveneedstoo wrote: »

He's been taking mild pills for anxiety the last 6 months or so and even though that has helped his mood (he used to be on a short fuse all the time) I think it has made his libido even worse. I've tried to talk to him about it and he laughs as though I'm being silly cause he loves me so much, and doesn't see the importance of sex at all anymore. He doesnt see why we need it!

:eek:

Of course you both need it. Sex and intimacy is the glue that holds a couple together and differentiates you from people who love one another in a platonic manner to a husband and wife. He can't just take a unilateral decision on your entire sex life and expect you to comply without question. If you don't have sex you're just friends.

If you once had a healthy sex life and you feel this has deteriorated since he started taking his anxiety medication then it is imperative that he takes your concerns seriously. Laughing it off and being dismissive is not being fair at all. Don't gloss over this with some affection and cuddles, it's a fundamental part of a couple's life that you both need to be happy with. Talk to him again and tell him how much this is effecting you. If he loves you as much as he says he does then he should take your concerns over this seriously.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

:eek:

Of course you both need it. Sex and intimacy is the glue that holds a couple together and differentiates you from people who love one another in a platonic manner to a husband and wife. He can't just take a unilateral decision on your entire sex life and expect you to comply without question. If you don't have sex you're just friends.

If you once had a healthy sex life and you feel this has deteriorated since he started taking his anxiety medication then it is imperative that he takes your concerns seriously. Laughing it off and being dismissive is not being fair at all. Don't gloss over this with some affection and cuddles, it's a fundamental part of a couple's life that you both need to be happy with. Talk to him again and tell him how much this is effecting you. If he loves you as much as he says he does then he should take your concerns over this seriously.

Well you know, that was exactly my view on it, but sometimes when you don't discuss these things with anyone else you can start to think you're overreacting etc, even though it still doesn't sit right with you. So it's great to get your point of view and I agree, and alwasy say to him that I think intimacy is vital to remain a long term happy couple. He has since contacted me during the day to let me know he is going to visit the doc abotu the pills etc, but my concern is that he'll blame this on the pills now and really the problem was existent before he ever touched any medication at all..... I don't want to marry a guy who deep down OR subconsciously doesn't want me! How the doc advises him now will depend on the spin he puts on his side of it unfortunately.....

Thanks Merkin

strobe

It's possible the anxiety disorder is what killed his libido and also possible that the pills gave it another blow. So if he comes back saying his doc said the pills can do that it's not necesarrily him making excuses.

I agree him laughing it off and saying it shouldn't matter because he loves you so much isn't helpful but it's possible he doesn't actually feel that way and instead feels inadequate now due to not being able to live up to your expectations sexually so is saying the "it shouldn't matter" stuff out of the fear you will feel he's inadequate too. (sorry for the massive run-on sentence, hope it's readable).

Now obviously the above is all pure speculation on my part. But it's possibly what the situation is. So it's maybe a good idea to let him know that you don't think anything negative about him because of the situation, and that you're on his sidewhen it comes to figuring out the problem together and working together to try to get things back on the right track when it comes to that side of your relationship.


Best of luck, really hope things work out.

moochers

Hey OP,
I agree with the other posts, sex is a fundamental part of a relationship, it would not be an issue if you had a low sex drive and were satisfied with sex once or twice a month. But this is not the case.

You have to sit down with your partner and really spell it out how it is affecting you. You are the one who is really making an effort to initiate sex and when he refuses, you naturally feel rejected which affects your self confidence. It is of vital importance that you tell him how you feel, particularly since you are due to get married.

LegacyUser

I would agree with the previous post.
At this stage you are planning to get married to this man and sex should be an important part of your relationship for both of you.
I know that some medication can effect the sex drive in men but your boyfriend to be should be going to his doctor to get this sorted out.
The fact that he is laughting at you wanting a sex life and does not see why you want to have a sex life are sending me warning sign of what your life could be like later.

What happens when you get married because a wedding ring does not improve a bad/non existant sex life?
Most couples I know in there 30's gettting married are planning to have a family. Does your boyfriend expect you to get married, have no sex and no children (if you want them). Along with this when you mention things that are important to you he laughts it off.

I knew a few woman who had different warnings before they got married and did not head them. Within a few years they were in unhappy marriages ie with men who did not want children, husbands with gambling problems, men who counted out every cent they give them each week when they stayed at home with there children ect.

I would remember that marriage is about more than a big day out for family and freinds.
I would ask yourself do you stay with a man who has no real regards to what you want. What happens when you get married and you want a family with a man who does not want to have sex with you?

At this stage you need to have a serious chat with him in regards to the above. I would tell him that you are going to the doctor with him in regards to the medication.
He may not be keen on this but if you want children once you get married you need to have this problem sorted out.
I would be very honest with him in regards to this. If he is unwilling to make changes I would end things and move on with your life. I would not worry about what people think or could say to you. For your own sake you need to have a strong relationship before you get married. I know a number of married couples who went though some hard times ie unemployment, money worries, had fertility problems, had children who were sick/disabled and there strong relationship helped them though these times.

At this stage it is far easier to end things rather than realising that you should not have married this man in a few years time.

I know woman who walked away from long realationships because they realised there oh were immature, we using them for sex, money, they wanted child but there oh half did not ect. These woman went on to meet men who wanted the same things they did.
They now have happy marriages with mature men and some of them have the children they both wanted.