Online Dating for someone like me?

flutterbye_99

Hi Everyone,
Im a 28 year old female. Was in a bad relationship which ended 2 years ago. Was cheated on and dumped by text message. While I feel that I've done everything possible in the past 2 years to get over this (got fit, new interests, joined new clubs) I feel as though it has really left a lasting impression on me. We had talked about marriage kids etc - all instigated by him at the time. So it all came as a huge shock to me at the time. I threw myself into work at the time because it was all I could do. But I have thought it all over in depth, and accepted my own responsibility in the whole situation too, as I had had a gut feeling something was going on at the time and I should have acted on that. But that's a lesson I've learned from it all.
It took me a long while to let my guard down again. While I did go out quite a bit, I felt that I held on hope for about a year afterwards until he got a new girlfriend - which is so sad I know, but its the truth and I always hoped that he'd change as he kept contacting me and saying he'd like to give it another go 'in future'. But it took that girlfriend revelation to finally make me realise it was fully over for good and that I needed to move on for good. (I should also mention that while he kept contacting me, I had no idea he was seeing this new girl at all until about 3/4months in, so I guess he just kept me hanging there until he was sure it would work with her..go figure!)
Anyways, I've had very bad luck since then too in the dating department. the first guy I really liked after this came on very strong at the start. We met through mutual friends and were texting for 4 months but then one night I got a text saying we should just be friends. Came as a massive shock to me! but I accepted it and moved on. Theres been nothing significant since then but I've been on a few dates since then. all of them horrible personalities - one spent the night on his phone, another got very angry when I told him I wasn't going home with him that night.. I just feel as though I'm having quite a bad run of luck. My friends are all settled and don't go out as much anymore so I've decided to give online dating a go. I've signed up to eHarmony, I haven't been on it long but it seems very restrictive and I haven't seen anyone on there that I've been interested in. Im not big into looks. I think a great personality will always win out over looks, but some of the people on there just seem to only be out for one thing!!
I wouldn't say I'm bad looking- I like to keep fit and I get chatted up quite a bit when I'm out but the guys I meet always seem to be only out for one thing...Im just not into the whole One Night Stand thing...I don't miss my ex but I miss the whole intimacy of a relationship. I do feel a certain sadness because I wonder if I will ever feel that way about someone again...

Im just a bit fed up at the moment. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

Taltos

Hi OP, sorry you are having a run of bad luck.
Just a few suggestions, and you can take/leave whatever is most appropriate.

In terms of online dating - yes it can be a minefield and unfortunately there is a % of folk who are just going there to hook up and not seek anything more meaningful. Not sure if you have tried it but you could have a look at the Online Dating forum to get some tips or share experiences with others also trying online dating. Have a read of this thread on how to request access.

The other thing that strikes me and I might be totally off base is that you seem to be focussed quite heavily on being in a relationship, especially when you look around yourself at your friends. And while in someways that is fine, you really should step back and ask yourself if you are trying to get into a relationship for the wrong reasons?
> expectations of others / clock ticking / don't like being alone

Maybe instead of going out with the express intent of meeting someone you need to step back an bit. Promise yourself that for say the next six months you won't actively look for a relationship but will instead invest that time into an activity or a group and try to build some genuine friendships and also your own confidence. Learn a new skill and try to feel better about you being you alone. Relationships happen at the oddest times, but in my own experience when I was happiest alone was when they happened for me.

All the best and hope it all works out for you.

Cork selfbuild

Hi OP,

Firstly, from the start of your post, you really did the right thing to get over and move on and be glad to be out of the bad relationship.

Unfortunately, where ever you look, be it on or off line, there will always be that percentage that want just one thing only, always. There will always be that hit or miss when dating, I find it funny sometimes the way Irish pub culture worked in the past, I've seen friends, having a drunken kiss in a club and next day they were "dating" bizarre if you ask me! I would take the time to get to know someone first before entering the dating aspect.

I really have to +1 on what Taltos says..

Taltos wrote: »

Maybe instead of going out with the express intent of meeting someone you need to step back an bit. Promise yourself that for say the next six months you won't actively look for a relationship but will instead invest that time into an activity or a group and try to build some genuine friendships and also your own confidence. Learn a new skill and try to feel better about you being you alone. Relationships happen at the oddest times, but in my own experience when I was happiest alone was when they happened for me.

it's more often than not when you are not looking for it, it finds you, I had just come out of a nightmare relationship from hell with an abusive girl, you wouldn't see this on Jeremy Kyle, and after months of trying to get her out of my life, the day it finally happened, I took the approach what Taltos said, right that's it now, I'm not going near a relationship in the foreseeable future, and I was friendly with this girl, we texted a lot and chatted, fast forward a number of years and we are now engaged to be married next year, I never thought a relationship like I'm in was possible, it is!!

I would step out of the searching mode and take some time for yourself and you'd never know what comes to you! Best of luck with it all OP.

flutterbye_99

Thank you both very much. I will definitely try setting aside a period of time to focus on myself. I have been thinking about a career change so perhaps I will take the next 6-12 months to look into this.

You're also very right about there being that kind of person everywhere- both in pubs/clubs and online. Many thanks for helping me to put this in perspective.

Corkselfbuild, congrats on working through your own situation, glad to hear it has all worked out well for you, great to hear a happy ending after such a bad experience

Cork selfbuild

flutterbye_99 wrote: »

Thank you both very much. I will definitely try setting aside a period of time to focus on myself. I have been thinking about a career change so perhaps I will take the next 6-12 months to look into this.

You're also very right about there being that kind of person everywhere- both in pubs/clubs and online. Many thanks for helping me to put this in perspective.

Corkselfbuild, congrats on working through your own situation, glad to hear it has all worked out well for you, great to hear a happy ending after such a bad experience

And who knows what the career change might bring, new people new opportunities! And you defo need to make sure whatever you do, you time is always important be it in or out of a relationship, you have to be happy within yourself first!

Ya I had given up totally, and she understood what I was going through and really helped me and she approached me by saying she really liked me and kissed me one night out of the blue, I was a little taken back by it as I'd committed to staying out of relationships, but she was patient and understanding, she put up with a year of drunken phone calls and texts and hammering on my door in the middle of the night when we were together from the ex, it shows there are really good people out there.

Flutterbye, there is someone just right for you too who will share with you what you want, and not interested in just one thing! Take the you time and try not to stress or force yourself into thinking you need / miss a relationship as it will work out for you!