Do I already know the answer?

marymargaret

Howdy all

As I sit down to type this I am kinda wondering why I am, as I probably already know the answer, but its just to sense check it in my head.

OK, so in short - I met this guy a few months ago on a night out, and we hit it off immediately. But I have some concerns.
1. We live about an hour and a half apart. He has never ever come to me once. I do ALL the driving.
2. He hasnt introduced me to his family or friends. He said that he likes to keep his private life "private".
3. He started off being very affectionate to me.... now i am lucky if i get a peck on the cheek.
4. With regards to our s£x life, (god this is mortifying....) its always on his terms... in fact he has said to me on a good few occassions "youre not looking for s£x are you????!!!!"..... he has no enthusiasm to please me in any way.... in fact once he'd done his bit (if you get me) and i asked him to return the favour he said "ah cant you just do it yourself?"... blushing here...
5. then to top it all off, last week a text popped up on his phone when we were getting into bed from a girl saying "when are we gonna hook up?"... i confronted him on it to be told that its a girl he saw a few times before he even met me... she is big in to him.... she apparently is going through a really bad time family wise and is relying on him for support..... he said he couldnt let her know that he was in a relationship cos it would "kill her"....when i said that i was uncomfortable with it, he clammed up and didnt even want to talk about it.

So. and I guess I know the answer here - is it time to end this?

Thanks all in advance.

strobe

Jaysus... Like you say, you already know the answer.

3.5 billion other men in the world Mary.

anmhi02

Emmmmm...yea...afraid you have answered you're own question. A relationship is about give and take...your doing all the giving and he's doing all the taking. He doesn't deserve you. Dump him and go out there and get someone who likes and respects you enough to show you how much he cares and wants to be with you. This guy isn't.
Good luck with it x

wirelessdude01

Was going to suggest that you make sure you get looked after first and then look after him but then read the last bit and you need to dump his sorry ass.

Merkin

strobe wrote: »

Jaysus... Like you say, you already know the answer.

3.5 billion other men in the world Mary.

Totally. If you actually proactively looked for someone with so few redeeming features you'd have difficulty finding someone who fits the bill so well. He sounds like he has as much charm as a rabid dog. Dump his sorry ass - I wouldn't bother with an explanation either.

dixiefly

Yes, he is just worth a cheerio text.

marymargaret

Thanks to all for your replies so far.....

Sometimes I wonder why I actually even bothered to stay with him for as long as I have.... unfortunately I am separated, so my self esteem is probably a bit low and I am clinging on to someone to "love me".... further patheticness... apologies!:P

wirelessdude01

marymargaret wrote: »

Thanks to all for your replies so far.....

Sometimes I wonder why I actually even bothered to stay with him for as long as I have.... unfortunately I am separated, so my self esteem is probably a bit low and I am clinging on to someone to "love me".... further patheticness... apologies!:P

Learn to love yourself first. This 'man' isn't capable of it.

Merkin

marymargaret wrote: »

Thanks to all for your replies so far.....

Sometimes I wonder why I actually even bothered to stay with him for as long as I have.... unfortunately I am separated, so my self esteem is probably a bit low and I am clinging on to someone to "love me".... further patheticness... apologies!:P

Aww, don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone wants to be loved, that's a universal given so you've done nothing wrong. Sometimes the penny can take a little longer to drop, just be glad that it has, he sounds like a complete knob.

Floppybits

eh dump him. Plenty of nice guys out there.

marymargaret

I am actually beginnning to wonder IF there ARE any nice guys out there? My ex hub cheated on me, next relationship I was in he was a chronic cheater, and now this guy.... :eek:

wirelessdude01

marymargaret wrote: »

I am actually beginnning to wonder IF there ARE any nice guys out there? My ex hub cheated on me, next relationship I was in he was a chronic cheater, and now this guy.... :eek:

How long between relationships and also where are you meeting them?

Merkin

You're obviously making bad choices. Maybe it's time to take some time out to concentrate on boosting your own confidence and self-esteem. If you do this you will be less inclined to jump from one bad relationship to another which is what you've been doing. Take some time out for Mary Margaret and just focus on what you have as well as reassessing what you will and won't put up with in a partner. Would also be worth recognizing patters that have led you to make such bad choices to help you avoid doing so again.

marymargaret

Was with my ex hub for a long number of years, then met man No 2 a year after i separated at a work event... met latest man No 3 a few months after No2.... Pathetic and all as it sounds, I am just not used to being on my own.. i was with my ex hub since I was 18..... and I am 35 now and the sound of the body clock is getting progressively louder in my ears ( I have no kids).

Merkin

Being 35 is no reason to panic buy.

Surely you don't want to just get pregnant by just anyone in order to have a baby? Wouldn't you prefer to wait a little longer if necessary and find someone you really love? Someone who will make a good father? You really need to take some time away from the serial numptogamy or you'll be left holding the baby wondering why you didn't take your time and suss out what it is you want in a partner.

There's nothing actually wrong with being single. You make it sounds like an illness. What is that frightens you about not having a partner? Being single can be enjoyable and fun, you're answerable only to yourself and it's a time to get back in touch with yourself after never being by yourself as a mature adult. Maybe you need to do that in order to build your confidence and increase your self worth.

strobe

marymargaret wrote: »

so my self esteem is probably a bit low and I am clinging on to someone to "love me".... further patheticness... apologies!:P

marymargaret wrote: »

Pathetic and all as it sounds, I am just not used to being on my own.. i was with my ex hub since I was 18..... and I am 35 now and the sound of the body clock is getting progressively louder in my ears ( I have no kids).

That's not patheticness, it's humanness. We all want someone to love and that'll love us back, most human thing in the world, that. It's not a flaw... or at least, if it is, it's one we all share.

The kids thing is a bitch. I don't know much about it but if kids are a must for you, have you looked into having your eggs frozen? Create a little breathing room, so to speak. Just a passing thought. But ulimately, I'm sure you realise that forcing a relationship (and this goes doubly for having kids with someone) with someone unsuitable is the wrong play no matter how you turn it over.

Hard to offer any other advice without digging up platitudes and cliches, so I'll just wish you luck, for what it's worth. At 35 you're still a very young woman, best to wait a couple of years if that's what it takes to meet someone worthwhile than waste a couple or more years on someone not worth it during which time you'll be 'off the market' and could miss out on something great.

cactusgal

I'm 36, met an absolutely lovely fella a few months ago. He actually was an acquaintance who I'd known for a while but hadn't taken much notice of because I was going out with another guy. Who turned out to be a kind of a knob.

Anyway, yes, there ARE nice guys out there. I'm delighted with myself having met this one, my only regret is not noticing him sooner!

beks101

marymargaret wrote: »

I am actually beginnning to wonder IF there ARE any nice guys out there? My ex hub cheated on me, next relationship I was in he was a chronic cheater, and now this guy.... :eek:

I went through this too with the crap men. It's a great lesson on what kind of behaviour to NOT tolerate next time - view it positively rather than negatively.

It does mean you have a bit of work to do on your own self-esteem, so your mindset is "what does this guy have to offer to me that makes him worth my time and investment?", than "I'm not good enough for him" for any man that comes into your life.

You can get there though. Give yourself time, maybe a bit of a break from dating for a while. Counselling can help, look into that. Personally, I've been single for a good number of months (bar a lovely, sweet guy I saw for a while before geography made it impossible) and have never felt better about myself. Good friends, a regular social life, giving booze a bit of a wide berth, normalizing my sleep habits and a strong exercise routine has helped with that.

And it's given me a fresh perspective on those aRseholes I tolerated before. Now if I met a guy like your lovely man and he attempted the same sexual humiliation I'd probably laugh in his face at the absolute nerve and he'd never see shot of me again.

Tell this guy to jump off a cliff and give yourself a time out to recuperate and find your sense of self again. You don't need a man to validate you, and especially not HALF a man like this dude.

m'lady

I really think most of us have felt like the way you do at some stage or another, I most definitely have, my first 'love' and father of my child turned out to be gay and my second decides to lie and manipulate me in our relationship and after we spilt up I discovered he had fathered a child during the course of our so called relationship... Never been betrayed so much in my entire life to be honest.

Anyway I think the last ex did me a massive favour as I have now met someone who I think is the 'nice guy' that I have waited for, and what's more he makes me laugh like nobody else and I am much happier than I was before as we are more compatible.

There is light at the end of the tunnel- but you won't get it with the knob that you are with, so walk away before you get more hurt- it will be easier in the long run xxx

Neyite

OP, you DO have time. Take 6 months to work on you and your own self esteem. Do a little counselling if you can, I really recommend it.

I had a bad run of ex's and really seemed to pick awful men, but the common denominator was me, and I went to counselling to explore that. After about 9 months I was really loving my life and the little changes I had made to it had done wonders for my self esteem. I bumped into someone I knew from years before, and we began to date but only for I had that space to think about me, I don't think it would have lasted. . We are now engaged and I had our first child at 37.

You have time. Dump this excuse for a man, and concentrate on you. You wont regret it.

Pippy28

It's better to find someone to love you for the goodness in you than a waste of space of a man take your goodness away...

A person like him is not worth ur company x x x

im confused again

I too am separated, and have also been cheated on. I live in a small village and wondered how the hell am I supposed to meet somebody!!

One day I heard a survey on the radio about relationships, the figures were from an online dating website called Parship. I went on line and found it to be very reputable. I joined, answered all the questions, which is so important for accurate compatibility, and within two weeks had met the woman of my dreams. Maybe I was lucky but it certainly worked for me. It's not a sleezy site, it's very reputable.

Dump this guy and find somebody special.

Emme

im confused again wrote: »

I too am separated, and have also been cheated on. I live in a small village and wondered how the hell am I supposed to meet somebody!!

One day I heard a survey on the radio about relationships, the figures were from an online dating website called Parship. I went on line and found it to be very reputable. I joined, answered all the questions, which is so important for accurate compatibility, and within two weeks had met the woman of my dreams. Maybe I was lucky but it certainly worked for me. It's not a sleezy site, it's very reputable.

Dump this guy and find somebody special.

Once you hit your 30s it's easier gets for men to find somebody and harder for women.

I wouldn't recommend the OP to join any dating site at the moment, even the more reputable :rolleyes: ones. The shenanigans that some guys indulge in might bring her down even further.

OP, if you want a child go ahead and have a child if you're willing to be a single mother.

In the meantime forget about meeting someone and join clubs to broaden your social circle. Try something like meetup that caters for a wide range of interests.