Lost, grieving, stuck

LegacyUser

I'm in a bit of a grim situation at the moment. I'm a male, in my early thirties, single, unemployed and extremely unhappy with literally every aspect of my life. I'm absolutely not planning on “doing anything silly” but I honestly just wish I wasn't here. I have nothing and nobody to live for any more. And I really don't have the ability or the energy to do anything to improve my life.

I've been unemployed for an embarrassingly long time. For most of my life, I've suffered from social phobia (and probably depression too). I've sought help... I've tried doctors, psychiatrists, medication, cognitive behavioural therapy – but nothing has ever made any real difference. I don't feel that I'll ever be able to be normal.

Over the last couple of years, my circumstances have become progressively worse. My mother died from cancer a year and a half ago. I had been living with her and I helped care for her during her final months. People have told me that I should really be "over" her death by now, finished grieving. But I'm not. I put on a brave face about it all, but I actually feel worse now than I did when she died. I 'exist' from day to day, but that's it. My mum was the only person who really cared about me. I'm not at all close to the rest of my family.

A few days after my mother died, my younger brother decided to move in to her house. I didn't want it to happen, but I was powerless to do anything about it. We've never got along very well. He was a difficult child, a very difficult teenager, and his personality hasn't changed a lot since then. I'm the complete opposite - quiet, shy, easy-going. Over the last year, I've slowly grown to really, really dislike him (I don't want to use the word "hate" because it sounds overly dramatic and childish). He's a very heavy drinker, and incredibly greedy and selfish. A few months ago, I caught him selling cannabis from the house. He stopped, but only because I caught him. Most nights, he arrives home from the pub extremely drunk, incoherent and obnoxious. He's only been physically violent towards me once, and I've tended to walk on eggshells around him since then. He's bigger and stronger than me, and I'm not capable of restraining him. He's also happy to live in complete squalor, but I'm not, so I seem to spend a lot of time cleaning up after him.

I can't reason with him. He sometimes apologises for the worst stuff, but never changes his behaviour. Deep down, he doesn't actually care how his behaviour affects other people. I can't move out, because I don't have a job or anywhere to go. And I don't have any right to force him to move out. I feel completely stuck. Even if I could leave, it wouldn't take long for him to f*cking wreck the place.

The rest of my family won't help. I've asked my father to intervene on countless occasions, but he's completely uninterested. He fobs me off, says he'll "have a word" with my brother, but nothing ever comes of it. He won't say it, but it's not really his problem. I feel that I have nobody "on my side".

To cap it all off, the Department of Social Protection is starting to put pressure on me. Not unreasonably either. They've been "socially protecting" me for far longer than is acceptable, and it's a source of huge shame. I hate being unemployed - I just don't have the wherewithal to get a job. I think I'm sleepwalking towards losing my dole very soon. And maybe that's just what I need. In the absence of anybody actually giving a toss about me, maybe that bit of tough love will push me towards having no choice but to sort myself out. One way or another.

I don't know why I've written any of this. I'm not expecting any answers. I just wanted to get it off my chest, I suppose.

Merkin

Whoever said that you should be "over" the death of your mother after eighteen months has obviously got no experience of grief whatsoever. There is no template for bereavement and everyone experiences it differently. You were your mother's main care giver and loved her deeply (as well as living with her) so you will probably miss her for the rest of your life. You learn to love with it but the pain doesn't ever go away fully and having someone to tell you to get over it is just insensitive and clueless.

I think that you're living situation is probably one main issue that needs to be addressed. Was there probate, did your mother leave the house specifically to both of you or did she leave a Will at all?

Leilak

l think you have a lot going on at the moment - 18 months is a relatively short time to be grieving imo especially as its your mum, and added to that the fact that you were very close. As you said also you have other issues to deal with both on a personal level and now with your brother moving back to the family home who by the sounds of it has issues of his own. Have you a friend you could talk to or even talk to The Samaritans they are non-judgmental and it could be a great relief to just offload some off the stress you are under. Do you exercise ? even just go out in the fresh air and clear your head you will feel better and can mull things over while also getting exercise.

mallen

dont give up. 30 years on, still hurts, but people can help you. Ask for help. Even to talk. You are not alone and there is a way forward, you can deal with this and be happy again. I have been there.

LegacyUser

op i think you what annying you about your brother is that he is ruining the family home. if it was a flat that you shared it wouldn't be so bad but its the house you grew up in and now he is letting be run down and he's dealing drugs from it

have you tried talking to him when he's sober? telling him you are still going through a rough time of it from the grieving process? and that you feel he is disrerespecting the family home where you were all brought up?

some people dont like like living in a home where there are have people who have died. not everyone is like this. how do you feel about it?

have you thought doing a fas or college course? or volunteer work? to get you doing something.