Wednesday 'Uns

MonkieSocks

There's a long line at the airport of people waiting to get their boarding passes, and a well-dressed gentleman walks up to the line and cuts in front.

The lady behind the counter says, in her best customer-service voice, "I'm sorry, sir, there's already a queue behind you waiting."

The man starts getting indignant. "Do you know who I am? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!"

The lady gets on the PA. "Attention, everybody.

We have a gentleman here at the Delta Airlines counter who does not know who he is.

If anyone can identify this gentleman, please make your way to the Delta Airlines counter."

Everyone in line starts laughing, and the man turns beet-red.

He leans over to the lady and says, "Fook you."

Without missing a beat, the lady replies in the most friendly customer-service voice possible:

"I'm sorry, sir. You'll have to wait in line for that, too."

____________________________________

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are walking along a beach.

At one end of the beach they encounter a mermaid sitting on some rocks brushing her hair.

The Englishman goes up to her and asks: "Excuse me my dear, but have you ever been kissed?"

The mermaid looks up shyly and says "Why no I haven't."

So the Englishman leans in and kisses her.

Then the Frenchman comes over and asks: "Tell me, have you ever had your lovely breasts caressed?"

"No I haven't" replies the mermaid.

So the Frenchman reaches over and strokes her chest for a while.

Then the Australian walks up: "Tell me love, ever been fooked?"

The mermaid smiles and says: "Never in my life."


To which he replies: "Well, you have been now. The tide's gone out"

____________________________________


A nasty, sweaty, amazon woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar.

She raises her arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:

"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar gets dead quiet and all the drinkers try to ignore her; nobody makes eye contact.

At the end of the bar sits a skinny little guy well over the limit.

He stands up and slams his hand on the bar and says:

"Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours and the woman drinks.

A little while later, she turns again to the bar and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and asking:

"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:

"Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the drunk and says,

"Look. It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

To which, the drunk replies,

"Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
____________________________________

An Australian is backpacking through the New Zealand countryside when he comes across a Kiwi farmer getting it on with one of his ewes.

"Listen, mate!" the Aussie says indignantly. "Where I come from we shear those!"

"FOOK OFF!" says the panting New Zealander, banging away like there's no tomorrow. "I'm not shearin' this with anybody!"