Issue with friend

millermiller

I’m having a bit of an issue here, I’d like an outside perspective. I’ve had a falling out with someone I would have considered to be one of my closest friends, I'm female. We’re both in our mid 20’s, and the friendship has had it’s ups and downs. We have been friends for about four years, and the way I feel right now is that I want to call it a day.
I’ve been a very good support to them, when they needed to talk to someone, and needed understanding I have been there for him. He came out to his family a few years ago, which was very difficult for him, I was there for him throughout the whole thing. Used to go to gay bars with him when none of his other friends were inclined to do so, I introduced him to all of my friends, and he’s become friends with them over the years. Because we have mutual friends, I cant speak to any of them about this because it’s too messy and complicated, especially within circles of friends. They also have not seen the side to him that I’ve seen so that’s a bit isolating. I don’t like bitching and I have absolutely no time for any sort of drama, so I want to avoid it at all costs.
He’s living abroad at the moment, so I went to visit him for a few days during the summer, and we both had a gas time, but since then he’s been putting a little bit of a distance between us. Which is fine, I don’t mind that, sometimes that happens in friendships, I can completely understand if you can get a bit like that from time to time with different people. However, especially recently, it has taken a bit of a nasty undertone to it. Catty comments here and there, or downright ignoring what I have to say when we’re in a group conversation for example on facebook in front of all of our friends when it suits him. Other times he’s as nice as pie. He came home this weekend, and the behaviour was much more pronounced, purposely leaving me out of conversations, being really hurtful and disrespectful, and treating me as if I am not a friend, but something scraped off the bottom of his shoe. Disdain is the word that’s coming to mind here. The whole thing has been done so subtly and slyly that no-one else would even notice. For example-and this is so petty-he was showing one of our friends a photo of himself, I asked to see it, he said no-then showed it to the rest of all of our friends. While the action itself was so petty to the point of being laughable, I found the sentiment behind it incredibly hurtful. I made my excuses later on and left the night early.
He turned around two days later after no contact from me, apologising for not talking to me much the previous night, and asked if I was around for drinks later on in the week. He then followed that a few days later with an “Is everything ok?” type message. I haven’t responded to him because I don’t even know what to say. This isn’t the first time I’ve been on the receiving end of this treatment from him, I called him out previous times on it, and I thought it had been resolved for good. Obviously at this stage it is a repeating pattern. I will add that I have not done anything to provoke this behaviour to my knowledge-I have racked and racked my brain about the whole thing. I don’t even know if I should bother telling him what has upset me, because this has happened before, why should it change now? I suppose I’m looking for some advice. I’m feeling quite hurt, sad and angry about the whole thing at the moment.
Thanks for reading...I know it was a bit long!

taytobreath

Ignore this behavior. Make it seem like it doesn't worry you. (Even though you say it concerns you). He seems like the drama queen thats looking for a reaction from you. It could be that he is jealous that your so stable and sensible.

ABajaninCork

Sounds to me as though this friendship's run its course. I'd ignore him now. If he sees you and asks what's wrong, then tell him. Other than that - cut contact for the sake of your sanity.

Annasopra

It's very passive agressive behaviour.

Just tell him you are upset by his behaviour and perhaps your friendship isn't working if he is going to treat you so badly

ivytwine

Are you me OP? And is this 2010?

I was in a very similar situation with a former friend. He's gay too, was his friend all while he came out to his parents (friends already all knew) etc etc. Pretty much the exact same situation, he got closer to other friends and began to exclude me...

Anyway long story short I knew where I wasn't wanted, so separated myself from that group a lot, made new friends, took up new things, all in all it turned out to be a highly positive move.

I think you and he both know it's time to move on. Just be the bigger person and don't give into mind games. Life is really, really too short.

I know it's really upsetting but distance might be the best thing for you both.

millermiller

Thanks everyone, I'm just going to leave it sit as is. He know's full well what he's doing. It's a pity, it didn't have to turn nasty, it has soured the whole thing really. Now on top of it I have to worry is he going to start trying to separate me from my friends. Quite horrible.
Thanks again, much appreciated.

ivytwine

I know OP it is really horrible but it's great you have the insight to accept that it doesn't have to be this way. Don't get drawn into it. This is his problem, not yours.

As for the rest of your friends, there might be some that get sucked in, but rest assured they're not people you particularly want in your life anyway. Best wishes OP.