Do affairs ever have happy endings?

LegacyUser

No Judgements please!!
I'm 40, separated with two girls and a working mum. He is 47 and in the same industry as I am but we do not work together. He had an affair which lasted a year about 3 years ago, which he told me of when I met him. The woman no longer is in Ireland due to work, and it had ended 6 months before she left. He is in a 20 year old marriage with two children of secondary school age, and following an heated argument with his wife this summer he admitted he did not want to be married anymore but agreed to stay until the youngest is 18( 2 years away). This man is a pillar of society and well liked and thought of as a good guy and total family man by all that meet him. He wears a wedding ring in public. Our affair started 6 months ago, and we both knew it was lust at the start-me because Im single, and him as the marriage has very rare sexual episodes. However, we have become firm friends and emotionally connected-myself more than him. He texts me every morning and always last thing at night. We go away together at least once every four weeks for a day/night. sometimes we just walk and lie in the dark and talk, so its not about sex.. although that does occur most nights we get away. No, I hate not being able to attend functions, and have to live in the shadows a bit but I knew that when we met. Also, I knew he wasnt going to leave his family, to come and play house with me! Why would he? and I wouldnt want that either.. But I have come to love him, everything about him. And if any men are reading.. they say actions speak louder than words-by his actions I believe his loves me.. we have never got to the L word yet.. has anybody else been here? In time-do men move out when their kids are reared or am I being naive?...

Merkin

If he really loved you he'd be leaving his wife which he won't do, as the waiting around until the youngest turns eighteen excuse is one of the oldest cliches in the book.

Affairs CAN turn into true love but rarely do, especially with a serial cheater like the man you're involved with currently. If you do get together he will cheat on you anyway, he's got form. You're fooling yourself and wasting your time if you are thinking that it will go anywhere, sorry for the bluntness but you did ask.

CaraMay

You are being incredibly naive. If he loved you then he would tell you and he would leave his wife. He sounds like a creep. Wearing his wedding ring in public while he pretends to be a good family man and pillar of the community should be telling you something - he is a fake. Are you really that stuck for a man that you have to sneak around like this? If he had any respect or love for you, he would not let you be put in this position

Charlene_92

From my experience this past week, my advice to you is: Get out while you can!

The man I was in a relationship with said he loved me and wanted marriage/kids, everything! Yet I discovered he has a fiance and is getting married in a number of weeks. When confronted, he said he did not love her and was only marrying her for equal rights to their house together. Out of morality, I told her. He had his chance to get out of this unwanted marriage there and then yet he still didn't take it and she accepted him back in. He was never going to leave his secure, public life for me and I was naive to think he would.

The fact here is, you love him and you cannot help that! I know exactly how you feel. With all you have, you want to believe it will work. But I'm sad to say that it almost certainly won't. A two year wait will turn into three years etc. If he loved you and wanted to leave, then he would simply do it. Think of if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you risk it for him? Just be careful and definitely weigh up the options before you continue seeing this man. Believe me, it can and will bring on unecessary heartache and sadness.

LegacyUser

At the moment he has everthing he wants - a wife he has shared a long period of his life with, 2 children and is well regard by freinds, family and in his local area.
He also has a bit on the side to tell him how wonderful he is ect

If he was serious about leaving his wife he would be making plans with you and not telling you he has to wait for another 2 years.
If he leaves home he still has to pay for it, he could have to give his wife a lump sum of cash along with some of his pension in the future.

He told you that he had an affair before but you could be one of a long line as from what you have told us he sounds like he has plenty of practice.
Another thing is that it is only a matter of time before some know what is happening no matter how careful you think you both are?
If he has to pick between you and his wife she will win.

My advice is to tell him it is over and tell him not to contact you anymore.

strobe

verify123 wrote: »

 following an heated argument with his wife this summer he admitted he did not want to be married anymore but agreed to stay until the youngest is 18...

So the marriage is over, the wife knows that, but he's staying just another few years for the kids sake?

So, just like every other cheating family man ever, ever, then?

That's just about the oldest line going Verify.

stargazer 68

Sorry OP I have to agree with the others. Staying until the youngest is 18? What difference does 16 or 18 make? Rare sexual epsiodes? Even if that is true (and you only have his word for it) he is still having sex with another woman!! I am going to assume you live in a small town - you will be found out - trust me and you will be the baddie!

road_high

Pillar of the community? Somebody please pass me a sick bucket.
I could tell you what i think of this guy, but I get a ban! Get out OP and have some dignity and self respect. Happy to stay in the shadows? Nonsense.

njs030

Simple answer? No they don't.

He is still living and sleeping with his wife, he attends social functions with her and so on. You are filling the gaps in the relationship which actually makes it easier for him to continue his marriage, what reason has he got to leave?

Step back and let him leave his marriage because its the right thing to do for him and his family, don't be in the middle of someone else's break up.
If he feels that strongly about you then he can come back to you when he's single and ready to offer you what you deserve!!

heretochat

verify123 wrote: »

thought of as a good guy and total family man by all that meet him. am I being naive?...[/QUOTE]

Appearances can be awfully deceptive can't they? The man is a cheat and a liar.. end of..

As for your query - yes you are being incredibly naive. You are being fed a line from what I can see..

And can you trust him? He is cheating on his wife with you after all.

Emme

You are this man's mistress. Men don't usually leave their wives for a mistress because that would defeat the purpose of having a mistress.

It isn't nice to have an affair with a married man but I get the feeling his wife knows all about her husband's carry on and is happy to turn a blind eye to it because he won't leave her. She gets the trappings of marriage and has the position of a married woman. She has compromised.

If, like his wife you're happy to compromise with being a mistress and him never leaving his wife for you continue as you are. You seem to have a reasonably good relationship with him under the circumstances. It may be marginally better than being single but don't rule out finding someone better.

I might get blasted for this but I would advise you to start looking for someone now and don't end the affair until it suits you. Date as many people as you want in the meantime. Single people in their 40s and up, particularly men, tend to date more than one person at a time for a while before deciding on a relationship.

If you find somebody honest and trustworthy be loyal to him.

The current man in your life doesn't deserve loyalty of any kind.

LegacyUser

There's no such thing OP as an affair that has a happy ending. People always, always get hurt, and in your particular situation, the only person that's most likely to get hurt, is you. I was that guy for a long time, and as Emme says - my wife used turn a blind eye to my behaviour. I used girls and let them think they were in control, that they called all the shots. I didn't particularly care for what they thought, and I strung them along for as long as I could get away with it until they either saw sense and ended it themselves, or I just got bored of them. Sometimes there were times when I had to divide my time between two or three girls, sometimes they knew about each other, and at the time I didn't care whether they cared or not.

You're absolutely deluding yourself tbh if you think this guy is going to leave his wife when you're giving him exactly what he wants, without demanding that he either put up or piss off, to put it bluntly. Yes, there are occasions when two people in an affair have eventually ended up together, but from what I've seen, once they've gotten together, all that "freshness" and "affection" that made the affair exciting, goes out the window, and they end up back at square one, only this time they're also carrying the baggage from their previous relationship that hasn't worked out, and of course they maintain they were absolutely blameless for that relationship going down the shítter. The gloss wears off the new relationsip pretty quickly when they realise they're now actually having to commit to each other. That's leaving aside the mess that is created by the amount of people they hurt in the pursuit of their own happiness. You have ex's to deal with, children, relatives, and of course you can ask not to be judged here and posters here will respect that, they're a pretty fair bunch, but your neighbours and the town gossips won't feel they have to show you the same respect. Given that this man (and you it seems) cares more about his social status, can you honestly see yourself sticking out all this secrecy and sneaking around for another two years? That's one hell of a miserable existence tbh, and at forty years of age, one which you really need to ask yourself could you cope with the stress of it? Because it WILL get to you if it hasn't already.

My best advice to you OP is, well, I was going to say give him an ultimatum - being with you, or his cushy life with his wife and a social life (that doesn't include you), but you say you wouldn't want him to do this, which leads me to believe you know well which one he'd choose, and you'd rather not lose him.

Seriously OP, while you're still young enough to find a guy without all this crap and drama (I have a female friend of 42 who was in your situation, she separated from her husband, dumped me too, and now has a new boyfriend with no baggage who treats her with respect and gives her all his attention and affection, not having her wait six months to say "the L word" nonsense!), I'd suggest you tell this guy it's over and mean it, and put some distance between yourself and himself. Then start working on meeting someone else with less baggage, who isn't so much work, and isn't ashamed or afraid to be seen in public with you, take you out to nice restaurants, theatres, weekends away in a nice hotel that doesn't feel like a seedy five minute fumble under the sheets. You should be getting the idea by now OP that you deserve a lot better for yourself than to be putting up with this crap.

Speaking of putting up with crap - my wife too decided she had put up with enough of my crap, and she made me realise that taking people for granted and using people is a prick of a thing to do, so we're working on our marriage. It hasn't been easy, from either side, but we're working on it, and tbh I'm proud to see her stand up for herself and have some respect for herself, and it's made me realise why I fell in love with her in the first place, and why I still love her, and why I shouldn't have taken what she was offering for granted.

If you don't respect yourself OP, how can you expect anyone else to? Because this guy certainly doesn't, and the easiest way to see this is by having some respect for yourself, walking away from the situation, and give yourself your own outside perspective.

snookerwidow

Right so he says you're the second affair in his marriage yes?. So... realistically you are probably the 4th or 5th.

No.... no this will not have a fairly tale ending for you. You are dating a cheat and no doubt a liar, he's fed you a line about waiting for the kids to grow up which is rubbish because the kids will grow up and then he can't leave her because she has nobody else etc etc. You know when you look at a woman/mistress on some TV programme or even a woman you might know and you see them being taken for a total mug, believing everything some guy has told them...... well YOU are that mug!

Best case scenario.... he is telling the truth and when child turns 18 he's straight over to you with packed bags - then what have you got?? an older guy who's going to spend the next few years fighting with his wife over money and assets, he'll lose his social standing in the community, he's lost the joint friends as they'll mostly side with the scorned wife and he'll be pretty lonely and bitter and will blame you. THEN to top it all off his two kids are putting him through the mill, they're in college now and costing a fortune, they don't want to have anything to do with the woman who was cheating with their father and will insist that you are not included ever in any family activities, weddings/graduations etc etc. His wife will be the paragon of virtue to all and you will always always be the woman who ruined their family!.

No happy endings anywhere i'm afraid.

Move on... get a man who is not taken and be happy

YumCha

verify123 wrote: »

they say actions speak louder than words-by his actions I believe his loves me..

Sorry to be blunt, but what actions exactly?
- Being shamelessly open to you about his other affair? (although as others have said it's entirely probable he's not being open at all and has had multiple women on the side before you)
- Betraying his wife and kids?
- Being so brazen as to contact you and spend time away from his family with you without fear of being caught?

To keep you in the shadows and continue this way isn't love. You deserve to meet someone who will love and acknowledge you both in private and public - however you'll never get the chance to meet someone like that if you stay in the situation you're in.

Emme

People_Get_Hurt wrote: »

Then start working on meeting someone else with less baggage, who isn't so much work, and isn't ashamed or afraid to be seen in public with you, take you out to nice restaurants, theatres, weekends away in a nice hotel that doesn't feel like a seedy five minute fumble under the sheets. You should be getting the idea by now OP that you deserve a lot better for yourself than to be putting up with this crap.

This is good advice but the OP may not find someone who will do all of the above with her. She will probably find someone who will care for her and do some of the above. People are struggling financially these days and can only afford treats some of the time. But if one or two small treats are part of a loving relationship it means infinitely more than a night in a fancy hotel with a guy who's cheating on his wife.

I am in my early forties and it's a desert out there when it comes to finding genuine men. That is no reason to put up with cheaters of any kind. However, the reality is that most men in that age group on the dating scene are seeing at least two women at the same time and not making a serious commitment to any of them. The women may or may not know what's going on but when it comes to the dating scene very few men of a certain age stick to one woman. That's not to say she will never find a good man who wants an exclusive relationship with her, but it will take time, patience and resilience.

This is why I advised the OP to end the situation she's in now when it suits her. A cheating man is a cheating man, single or married (arguably it's not so bad when he's single) and if she's ok with the situation she's in short-term why pack it in until she finds something better? Having said that, she should focus her energies on finding something better and not on keeping the status quo in the current situation.

strobe

Emme wrote: »

 if she's ok with the situation she's in short-term why pack it in until she finds something better?

...cause she and him aren't the only two people involved? He has a wife and children.

I know the OP asked for no judgments, and I'm not judging her, but she can't just pretend the other people involved by proxy just don't exist either. ...well she can... but maybe she shouldn't, for everybodies sake, including her own.

Emme

strobe wrote: »

...cause she and him aren't the only two people involved? He has a wife and children.

I know the OP asked for no judgments, and I'm not judging her, but she can't just pretend the other people involved by proxy just don't exist either. ...well she can... but maybe she shouldn't, for everybodies sake, including her own.

The wife is turning a blind eye to the affairs. The husband is unlikely to leave his wife. It was unwise of the OP to get involve with him in the first place but she is not the worst person in this scenario. To be honest, I think the wives are equally to blame when they turn a blind eye because they are enabling their husbands' cheating. The person who will come out of this situation worst will be the OP whether she ends it with him today or further down the line.

strobe

Emme wrote: »

The wife is turning a blind eye to the affairs.

Is she? Says who?

Anyway, this is kinda moving away from advice for OP.

kylith

I know a woman who went out with a married guy. She knew he was married. He gave her the whole 'sake of the kids, loveless marriage, I sleep in the spare room' spiel and topped it off with 'my wife knows about you and me; we have an open marriage'. Turns out that the sleeping in the spare room and the open marriage were news to his wife who knew nothing other than her husband had to go away on business a lot.

He is lying to you about everything, the lovelessness, the bitchy wife, the fact he's just staying for the kids, that he has any real feelings for you at all.

Get out. Get out now, and find someone who you can go out in public with.

LegacyUser

kylith wrote: »

I know a woman who went out with a married guy. She knew he was married. He gave her the whole 'sake of the kids, loveless marriage, I sleep in the spare room' spiel and topped it off with 'my wife knows about you and me; we have an open marriage'. Turns out that the sleeping in the spare room and the open marriage were news to his wife who knew nothing other than her husband had to go away on business a lot.

He is lying to you about everything, the lovelessness, the bitchy wife, the fact he's just staying for the kids, that he has any real feelings for you at all.

Get out. Get out now, and find someone who you can go out in public with.

kylith you forgot the most common one of all - "My wife doesn't understand me". This is one which should raise the biggest red flag of all. If a guys claims his wife doesn't understand him after they've been together for in the OPs case 20 years, then how the hell can a person he's only known six months claim to understand him? Certainly in my case, my wife understood me all too well - I was a prick that had no consideration for how she felt. I had effectively checked out of my marriage. I still loved my wife and she still loved me, but the sexual aspect of our marriage was a mess. We still got on brilliantly and our sex life was brilliant, but, it was a classic case of "what do you get the man who has everything?". He'll go out and get two of everything, because having it all just isn't enough, I saw something I liked, and I went and got it. I had a very immature mindset tbh.

It wasn't until I was told "NO!!" by my wife, that she would no longer settle for being treated like crap, that I realised what I could stand to lose if I didn't learn to appreciate what I had. To be so crass about it - A bird in the hand is indeed worth two in the bush, because no amount of meaningless sex would ever be comparable to the emotional investment and the time and energy my wife had been prepared to put into our relationship, and instead of meeting her half-way, I took it for granted and decided I wanted it all. I had no emotional investment in the girls I'd been with. Of course it was always about lust, and saying "but we don't always have sex, sometimes we just lie there and talk", I did all that too, when it suited me. To say "he texts me first thing in the morning and last thing at night", I did that too - group text with generic terms like "Night babe", "Morning babe", took less than thirty seconds, and this is in the days before free texts to all networks. Vodafone shares probably took a woeful nose dive when my €650 bills per month stopped. Point being - I wouldn't put too much stock in "he texts me". On an average day nowadays I could send anything up to 100 texts to various people, doesn't take five minutes out of my day.

You say you've come to love him OP, but I would suggest it's more likely you've just come to love the way he makes you feel. There's a hell of a difference, and one you'll only find out when this guy has something to lose, or if he's still there for you when YOU have a "heated argument". All is rosy in the garden for now, but when the shít hits the fan, he'll be out of there like a hot snot. All his inactions so far have shown that it doesn't take a whole lot to convince you that "by his actions he loves you". As Emme pointed out - Showing you love someone isn't just about how much money or time you spend with them when you have an abundance of both - it's about what you're prepared to sacrifice to shows that person that you value them. Seeing as your guy has plenty of money and time on his hands, he's not really giving up a whole lot to be with you, only as much as is convenient to him, but here's something you CAN take to the bank - you're just as much a convenience to him as everything else in his life, and once you become a hindrance to him or he has to make an effort to have a proper relationship with you, then you'll become an inconvenience to him and you'll quickly be dropped.

I would suggest to you one final thing OP - Suggest to him that you remain friends, only without the sexual element, and that he introduce you as his friend to his wife, and have you accompany him to social occasions and do all the things you do now, but do it openly, not sneaking around like you have something to be ashamed of. You asked for no judgement in your OP, but by your own judgement, you know for yourself deep down that you deserve better than this. I'm still friends with a lot of the women I slept with, even though there is no longer a sexual element in out friendship, and it's made me have a lot more respect for them too, and my wife has met some of them, and I've met their new boyfriends and even new husbands in some cases. So you don't have to tie yourself down to this man when trust me, there are an abundance of available single men out there if you're willing to put in the small amount of effort required to find them.

Honey-ec

kylith wrote: »

He is lying to you about everything, the lovelessness, the bitchy wife, the fact he's just staying for the kids, that he has any real feelings for you at all.

Plus, you know what they say, when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.

Hannibal Smith

Yes they can have happy endings. My uncle had an affair...was caught out and twenty years later is still with the 'other' woman. They got married last year.

The question you have to ask OP is what happy ending do you want? You say you don't want or expect him to leave his wife to play house with you, so what is your idea of a happy ending?

LegacyUser

Firstly, thanks for all the replies-I was expecting a fair bit of abuse and was pleasantly surprised...
Have read each and every one of the replies and some a few times-yes, I suppose I am fairly naive.. but the more I think on it-I actually believe his wife knows.. something anyway. I saw him today, and brought up the subject of the previous affair and if his wife ever knew-he said well, if she did she never said and shrugged it off.. I also asked him what he would do if he were me.. he said he would be too jealous a man to have me returning home after a weekend together( albeit to a loveless house where the relationship had dwindled to brother/sister)and he would have to walk...Interesting? This man does get jealous when I go out with other people from work, and asks id so and so was chatting me up etc etc
I was about to say I think I will take a back seat, and you come back to me when we can walk down Grafton St hand in hand, and my stomach was churning-as I love him very much-but as some wise person said in the comments, me being so available to nurse the emotional and sexual sides only made his marriage tolerable and why would he live now? He has to miss me ... then I will know for sure if he loves me..
Anyway, out of his pocket comes a month of prozac he just got from the doctor. he is so depressed with how his life is a mess, and his job is hanging on by a thread etc etc that I couldn't do it.. I know I'm a chicken with no self esteem...
Cue a lonely, loveless weekend of self loathing and self disgust..
Guys I'm a mess-advice, ideas on how to leave the one you love because it's right to do so? and looking forward to lonely nights to no calls, texts, plans.. nobody else cares about me tbh and who else will want me?...on a downer

njs030

Not really sure why you think his wife approves? That just sounded quite dismissive. Yes it's very interesting what he said about being jealous, he clearly knows his behaviour towards you is wrong so why is he continuing?

Look, if he cares about you enough he will end things with you and set you free and make a decision to end his marriage. Like I said before all you are doing is facilitating his marriage and no one but him and his wife actually know what is going on behind closed doors-what you do know is he chooses to be with her every day and night.

Walk away with your head high, have dignity and one day you might get to be the woman he goes places with-but don't count on it.
When you feel bad remember that you are doing this because you would like a proper future with this man and the best way to do that is to allow him and his wife to decide what happens next.

Merkin

Verify123 wrote: »

Cue a lonely, loveless weekend of self loathing and self disgust..Guys I'm a mess-advice, ideas on how to leave the one you love because it's right to do so? and looking forward to lonely nights to no calls, texts, plans.. nobody else cares about me tbh and who else will want me?...on a downer

You speak of perceived loneliness but surely it's a far more lonely proposition being involved with someone who can't or won't reciprocate that love in the way you deserve? Because you DO deserve love you know, everyone does, but you've convinced yourself that the scraps from another woman's table is ok when it's clearly not.

Look to the future. You will most probably meet someone and fall in love again and just think how exciting and lovely it will be to be able to walk down Grafton Street holding hands and to go on hols together (not snatched nights away fuelled by lies and deception) and to social gatherings. The affair has made you feel like this because it IS seedy and is based on lies and that's no basis for a real and genuine love story.

Rip the plaster off and start again. You really owe it to yourself. He'll find someone else sharpish as that's what people like him do. Extricate yourself from this mess now and in time you'll wonder why you didn't sooner. Be strong x

Hannibal Smith

Hang on...after all this conversation about your doubt, he turns it around to him, so that focus is off your doubts and on to him?

Hmmm that doesn't sound right. It sounds like he's trying to keep you where you are. And that's not a good sign.

CaraMay

So you think he wife might know something and you think that's a positive?!?!? Have you no comprehension of the mental tortute you go through if you think your partner is cheating on you? You think it's a good thing because she might kick him out. Have you no empathy for what it could be doing to her?

strandroad

It does look like he has you brainwashed. Showing you prozac right after you asked for some attention looks like a classic manipulative trick to grab the attention back. Of course you won't say anything now. You'd better check the expiry date - he may have been using it on a number of women before you.

And him saying that he could not be in your position if you were coming back to another man - a coded way to say that you're really naive, and that he is coming back to his wife with all it involves.

Defiler Of The Coffin

Verify123 wrote: »

Guys I'm a mess-advice, ideas on how to leave the one you love because it's right to do so? and looking forward to lonely nights to no calls, texts, plans.. nobody else cares about me tbh and who else will want me?...on a downer

This isn't a good situation for you and deep down you know this all too well. There's no point staying in this relationship just because you think no-one else will want you, your esteem will only go down further. You need a clean break away from this man's lies and manipulation so you can work on yourself and build your confidence back up to where it needs to be. Don't think of it as "lonely nights ahead", think of it as time that you aren't spending being this man's dirty little secret any more. You're so much better than that.

Text him and tell him it's over, it doesn't have to be dramatic. You asked if affairs can have a happy ending, in this case it will if you can be brave enough to break it off and do the right thing for yourself. He has only ever thought about himself, time for you to do the same.

You finally buck up some courage, he notices, and whips out the prozac to get it all back on him. He's manipulating you.

LegacyUser

In relation to your question, I can say, that no....affairs don't have happy endings. Someone loses out.
You are a single mum of two with a broken relationship yourself, so I know you have an in depth understanding of the hurt and pain which stems from a break up. And for what ever reason a relationship breaks down, there is always pain.
Regardless of him, and his situation, you must put yourself first. Even if he was to be with you, do you not think that somewhere down the line, that it will be always in your head that he has cheated on his wife to be with you, and that in itself may lead you to mistrust him. As it stands, he has his cake, and is eating it, with you aiding him. So back to yourself....why do you want to mistreat yourself so much as to be an option for someone who you have made a priority?
I am speaking as someone who has had an affair, and as someone who grew in that time to realise that I was better than that. It served its purpose for me. It was flattering to have someone build me up and believe I was beautiful , but more so , made me realise that I really could find someone who could give me the love and attention I craved, without the excuses and underhand-ness. He loved his wife, but he taught me to love myself. In any case , I would never have been happy with him in the longer term.
All I can say to you is to put yourself first. There are plenty of available men out there who seek companionship and love on a real basis. Affairs are just stuff of fantasy, forget the "if only" , "should have/could have" and focus on doing what's right for you without compromising yourself. Be good to yourself, be kind to yourself. If this was your best friend asking you for advice, what would you say to her?
In short my only advice is....End it.
Don't wait around anymore, just end it.
Best of luck

Outsidethebox

You mentioned in your first post you have two girls and that was the last we heard of them.

Have you bothered to think about the effect on them in all of this mess? You being on a "downer" isn't going to be good for them is it?

Grow up and cop on. There's enough unmarried men in Ireland than to have to chase a married one. Who by the way is playing you.

Have some respect for yourself and your kids.

Sorry for the bluntness.

LegacyUser

Hi-Somebody asked about the girls. They are teenagers 17/19 and have their own lives.. one is away at college and the younger stays with her Dad a lot as he has a cool apartment in Dublin, and we live in the Midlands, so the kids never even knew-and still don't. I was able to see him and get away with no trouble.He has even stayed here.
Anyway, I would prefer to do this in person as by text is kind of ...lazy or something. Of course, texting has the advantage of not making a crying fool of myself...I really do think his wife knows and turns a blind eye..I asked him that today on the phone-he said she could well know..she has made comments that he is at the gym a lot , or buys new clothes, or there is a smell of perfume off him etc.. it is odd but actually nothing to do with me..
I know what I have to do....

njs030

Doesn't sound like a wife who doesnt care turning a blind eye it sounds like a suspicious woman!!
It's nothing to do with you but think about the pain you are causing her and the sorry she clearly has.
He's messing two women about but you at least have the opportunity to escape!!! Just walk away and be strong op x

stargazer 68

Verify123-OP wrote: »

Anyway, I would prefer to do this in person as by text is kind of ...lazy or something. Of course, texting has the advantage of not making a crying fool of myself....

Look at the pain you are in OP and then put yourself in his wife's shoes - you can probably imagine what she is going through too. Doesn't make any difference whether she knows and turns a blind eye to the fact that he is a cheating liar or not - its still going to hurt that your husband has a mistress or mistresses!!

Emme

Verify123 wrote: »

Firstly, thanks for all the replies-I was expecting a fair bit of abuse and was pleasantly surprised...
Have read each and every one of the replies and some a few times-yes, I suppose I am fairly naive.. but the more I think on it-I actually believe his wife knows.. something anyway. I saw him today, and brought up the subject of the previous affair and if his wife ever knew-he said well, if she did she never said and shrugged it off.. I also asked him what he would do if he were me.. he said he would be too jealous a man to have me returning home after a weekend together( albeit to a loveless house where the relationship had dwindled to brother/sister)and he would have to walk...Interesting? This man does get jealous when I go out with other people from work, and asks id so and so was chatting me up etc etc
I was about to say I think I will take a back seat, and you come back to me when we can walk down Grafton St hand in hand, and my stomach was churning-as I love him very much-but as some wise person said in the comments, me being so available to nurse the emotional and sexual sides only made his marriage tolerable and why would he live now? He has to miss me ... then I will know for sure if he loves me..
Anyway, out of his pocket comes a month of prozac he just got from the doctor. he is so depressed with how his life is a mess, and his job is hanging on by a thread etc etc that I couldn't do it.. I know I'm a chicken with no self esteem...
Cue a lonely, loveless weekend of self loathing and self disgust..
Guys I'm a mess-advice, ideas on how to leave the one you love because it's right to do so? and looking forward to lonely nights to no calls, texts, plans.. nobody else cares about me tbh and who else will want me?...on a downer

OP, this man has no right to be jealous of you. He is offering you absolutely nothing. I know I advised to you to stay with him if it suited you until you found someone single and available but now I think you should get out straight away. He wants to keep you in your place, available for only him while he's not available for you. This isn't fair. No wonder you're on a downer.

His wife suspects there's a smell of perfume off him but you say it isn't from you. Then it's probably from yet another women. I wouldn't think he sprays the latest Tom Ford fragrance for women on himself.

He is manipulative and probably cares about himself more than anything. If he is on Prozac that's his problem, not yours. If his life is a mess that's also his problem, not yours. Does he give you emotional support if you're depressed? Can you call him any time and ask him for support or do you have to wait until it suits him? Is it all about him when you meet up?

It isn't always easy to be a woman, over 40 and single but I think it would be better than the situation you are in now.

Finish with him and take up a class or join a group you're interested in. If you're in the midlands it might be more difficult but you might not be far from a major city. If you can treat yourself to a weekend away somewhere without him. Enjoy the freedom of being your own boss and being able to do what you want.