Memories fake or real?

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone has ever gone through something similar, and if yes - how they ended up dealing with it.

I can't remember when I started getting this memory, but I do know I always dismissed it as fake, and forgot about it - for a while.

The memory is very short and involves inappropriate sexual touching from a close male relative. He would've thought I was asleep at the time. The worst thing is, in my memory I didn't even mind this touching, although I knew it was wrong, and I continued to pretend to be asleep, as I didn't know what to do. I was probably around 4-6 years at the time. The person I'm sure would've had drink on him, as he had been out. I have no other such memories, and there are far far worse things that have happened to other people - I know that!

Nonetheless, now many years later at 31, I have recently come to realise that I suffer from Anxiety/Depression. I have for many years but have always put it down to "being moody". I have very low self esteem, although on paper I would probably sound attractive enough. (tall, slim etc). Although married to a wonderful man, who treats me with nothing but love and respect, I can't help thinking negatively of all men from time to time. ( as in men don't respect women, they only think of sex, etc etc)

Last year my anxiety issues came to a head, and I realised I had a problem. After having a melt down in front of my husband and kids ( over something trivial), that involved me storming off into the night for an hour, I knew that my behaviour just wasn't normal. I have tried to help myself with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy self help books, with some success. I then went to a CBT therapist too, which also helped a little. I have not seen him for several weeks now as money is low.

The point is, all this kind of got me thinking - why did I end up like this? Unfortunately that "memory" just keeps popping up, to the extent that I feel more and more sure it happened. I'm finding it harder to push it away. I also wonder that if the person thought that I was asleep, did more things happen when I actually was sleeping? This is making me feel worse,and my self esteem these days is at a low point. Before I used to dismiss it, but I wonder how or why I would fabricate such a memory that has been popping back for years.

I really want to feel better about myself, so that I can be a better wife and mother, and I think this memory - real or fake needs to be addressed before I can move on. I'm afraid though that even if I see someone about it they will a) not believe me, and b) laugh at me as it's not such a big deal compared to many horrific cases of abuse. ( in fact using the word abuse might insult genuine victims)

Has anyone gone through something similar? I feel like I'm stuck, I'm very down on myself, and my husband is probably blue in the face reassuring me that I'm good enough for him. I don't want to drive him mad ( Poor guy tells me I won't - but still!)

Sorry for the length, any advice/feedback would be appreciated.

Would you consider looking into hypnosis? It might help you tap into that memory, if it is something you want to do.

Merkin

Have you heard of regression therapy OP? Might be worth exploring, make sure you choose someone properly qualified.

kjl

OK, perhaps it did happen, but you in my opinion you seem to be scapegoating a lot of your problems on this incident and since it may be possible you did imagine it I think you need to focus on the real issue.

I don't mean this the wrong way either, but it's not like you were raped, do you really think this small incident which you can barely remember be the root cause of all you depression and anxiety. Perhaps you should look at other factor in your life and see are any of these causing you issues.

You might have a chemical imbalance in your head, either way none of us are qualified to answer your questions and you should really go to a professional.

meoklmrk91

kjl wrote: »

OK, perhaps it did happen, but you in my opinion you seem to be scapegoating a lot of your problems on this incident and since it may be possible you did imagine it I think you need to focus on the real issue.

I don't mean this the wrong way either, but it's not like you were raped, do you really think this small incident which you can barely remember be the root cause of all you depression and anxiety. Perhaps you should look at other factor in your life and see are any of these causing you issues.

You might have a chemical imbalance in your head, either way none of us are qualified to answer your questions and you should really go to a professional.

I am a bit uncomfortable with this part, if this did happen to OP like it has many others "it's not like you were raped" sounds very insensitive and is of very little comfort. There is no point in "scaling" cases of sexual abuse, they are all wrong, they all shouldn't have happened and no case should be belittled because "it's not like you were raped".

OP if it were me its definitely something that I would want to explore this further, I would want to know where this memory came from and if there were more like it in the darkest corners of my psyche. But that is most certainly up to you as it's your situation and not mine. Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best of luck.

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

OK, perhaps it did happen, but you in my opinion you seem to be scapegoating a lot of your problems on this incident and since it may be possible you did imagine it I think you need to focus on the real issue.

I don't mean this the wrong way either, but it's not like you were raped, do you really think this small incident which you can barely remember be the root cause of all you depression and anxiety. Perhaps you should look at other factor in your life and see are any of these causing you issues.

You might have a chemical imbalance in your head, either way none of us are qualified to answer your questions and you should really go to a professional.

Wow, just wow. So now abuse victims are supposed to "get over it" if there abuse was only minorl. I'd say you'd be the very one shouting at a rape victim, well you encouraged it, it was what you were wearing. OP do not listen to this absolute insensitive tripe. If you were in fact abused which would be what this is, then you are a victim and no you would not be insulting anyone. As for scapegoating, if this incident occured then it's hardly surprising you feel anxious and depressed. I would suggest going back to your therapist and speaking about this memory. Best of luck OP xxxxx

TwoGallants

kjl wrote: »

OK, perhaps it did happen, but you in my opinion you seem to be scapegoating a lot of your problems on this incident and since it may be possible you did imagine it I think you need to focus on the real issue.

I don't mean this the wrong way either, but it's not like you were raped, do you really think this small incident which you can barely remember be the root cause of all you depression and anxiety. Perhaps you should look at other factor in your life and see are any of these causing you issues.

You might have a chemical imbalance in your head, either way none of us are qualified to answer your questions and you should really go to a professional.

Jesus Christ.

OP, you need to speak to someone to get to the bottom of this. Whether the memory is false or real is really something that only you will ever know. But don't ever trivialise groping by a close relative and the severe emotional and psychological trauma that can cause. Others may continue to trivialise it (see the above) but they are very much in a minority. Speak to someone. Good luck.

December2012

I don't think you can compare your situation to others. I mean, we are all grateful for things in our lives, but that doesn't mean that we are not entitled to be affected by the "lesser" things that happen to us.

Eg, my Dad died and I was devastated. But my Mam is still alive. Should I say to myself "well I shouldn't feel sad because some people have lost both parents"?

No, but I accept that I feel sad about my problem, while being grateful that I don't have the "bigger" issue of losing them both.

If you were abused then you have the right to be upset and affected by it.

Emme

OP, this memory may be real or not but either ways you should go to a suitably qualified therapist and talk about it. Even if you don't remember being raped it might be good to ask the Rape Crisis Centre to recommend a counsellor. If you talk to someone about this it is essential that they are properly qualified and recommended by organisations such as RCC.

Faith

Whatever you chose, OP, make sure the person is properly qualified and accredited. There have been a number of disturbing reports about false memories of abuse being planted by inexperienced, untrained charlatans passing themselves off as therapists. Do your research very very thoroughly before trusting anyone to explore this further with.

LegacyUser

When I was 16 years old, I bummed into a cousin (of my mothers) ex bf in a local spar. I was frozen on the spot and I started shaking and I had no idea why. I felt huge amounts of Fear. I went straight home as I really didnt have a clue what was going on. It seemed this meeting was the trigger for memories to come back or memories my brain had choosen I couldnt handle. It turned out this man had been sexually abusing myself and my older sister from the ages of 3/4.

So yes it is very possible to "Forget" and it might come back to you in later life.

Might I suggest reading Alice Miller The drama of the gifted child the search for the true self. Her books have helped me alot and it explains why these memories lay doormat in us until I suppose for the want of a better word, cope with them.

Good luck.

Obliq

OP, like others have said, whether this thought is an actual memory or not, it is affecting you so you should go and talk to someone about it. I have been up and down with depression through my life and it's hard to pin it all on one incident - more a general way of looking at myself and others due to the way I was brought up (by a depressive mother who didn't get help while I was young). Other people can have what's called reactive depression in relation to one incident like the death of a loved one or a trauma/abuse

<Mod Snip: No diagnosis or medical advice allowed >I've found [anti-depressants] very effective (3 times in my life since my early 20's and I'm in my 40's now) and helpful to distance myself from my negative feelings a bit more, in order to be able to talk about and examine what was going on for me. Also, good for my family that I wasn't so emotional and reactive around them.

If you can't afford to see a private counselor, perhaps your GP could recommend someone/place to go to? Or as someone said previously, the rape crisis center only asks for a donation of what you can afford - and you are in crisis over thinking about this memory - real or not. You're not wasting anyone's time or belittling other people's experiences by talking this through - you'd be doing this for yourself and your family.

Best of luck...

kjl

Infuriated wrote: »

Wow, just wow. So now abuse victims are supposed to "get over it" if there abuse was only minorl. I'd say you'd be the very one shouting at a rape victim, well you encouraged it, it was what you were wearing. OP do not listen to this absolute insensitive tripe. If you were in fact abused which would be what this is, then you are a victim and no you would not be insulting anyone. As for scapegoating, if this incident occured then it's hardly surprising you feel anxious and depressed. I would suggest going back to your therapist and speaking about this memory. Best of luck OP xxxxx

Why are you putting get over it in quotation marks? I didn't say that, and I absolutely do not think this way. My point was that she is pinning all her problems in her life down to one small incident she isn't even sure is real.

neemish

Absolutely it is possible. Like others have said, get yourself into therapy and find someone who is good. I have had two therapists, one of whom is absolutely brilliant at dealing with this sort of thing and the other who was abysmal. Its a fairly specialized area and I'm not sure how you would go about finding someone, but they need to be able to guide you through it without suggesting where this is coming from.

Have been through similar - my first "memories" were more vague than yours. I find the emotional flashbacks harder than the physical. At times, I feel like I'm the age I was when it happened. Which is fine when in a therapy session, not so fine when at a work meeting.

We can all give you something of our experiences but at the end of the day everyone's journey is different. Talk to the Rape Crisis Centre or to a low cost counselling place and see if they can help you out. You're not going mad or loosing you're mind, this is coming up so that it can be healed.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

Why are you putting get over it in quotation marks? I didn't say that, and I absolutely do not think this way. My point was that she is pinning all her problems in her life down to one small incident she isn't even sure is real.

All her lifes problems? The OP mentioned anxiety, depression and one episode where it all got too much, hardly all lifes problems. Your despicable attitude and tone suggesting that it wasn't like the OP was raped, as if it wasn't that bad, so she should get over it is very much how you come across and extremely lacking in empathy.

Hoochiemama

kjl wrote: »

I don't mean this the wrong way either, but it's not like you were raped, do you really think this small incident which you can barely remember be the root cause of all you depression and anxiety. Perhaps you should look at other factor in your life and see are any of these causing you issues.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOW
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please do not listen to a word of this!!!!! Whether this is the sole cause of your depression or not should have nothing to do with it. The fact of the matter is, there is a chance that you may have been abused. If you feel this is an issue you want to explore and deal with it then please go talk to someone.... no counsellor would laugh at you or dismiss you.

Please dont listen to kjl's comment that "its not like you were raped"...... there are no categories for abuse. You cant rate it on an "out of 5" type level.

Abuse is abuse. End of. Something as simple as a (possible) one time event that the OP is explaining can be horrifically scarring and for kjl to think otherwise is mind blowing.

I wish you all the luck in the future OP xxx

LegacyUser

Op here, thanks for the replies - they helped a lot!
I do think kjl has a point in that I am now responsible for my own happiness, and that I can't let whatever happened to me dictate my life. At least that's why I chose CBT.
I can get stuck in a rut, get lethargic and self centred, and I hate how that affects my family - in particular my husband. I kind of accept it's ultimately up to me to change how I act/feel.
The guy that (possibly) did this, is still very much part of my life, and we have a difficult relationship, so I guess that this memory makes it more complicated for me, and I am sometimes wondering if there's any connection.
I feel really encouraged by the rest of the replies, that I'm not being stupid, and that I do need to do something about it.
I want to see my gp and ask for advice, but I'm afraid that if I turn up with one of the kids in future, he might view me differently, and not take me as seriously as he would have otherwise. I know you shouldn't judge anyone if they have a mental illness, but I'm afraid he would anyway. Has anyone gone directly to their gp for anxiety/depression? If yes were you treated differently afterwards for other non-related ailments?
I think talking to the rape crisis centre is a bit extreme, and I'd rather leave the lines free for people that really have been through an ordeal!
@neemish - would you be able to send me the details of the therapist you had a postive experience with? (If this is allowed)
@Obliq - thanks so much for you advice, it helped a lot!
I do plan on doing my research - I'm suspicous by nature, so that won't be difficult for me!
Thanks again everyone, I feel more optimistic about getting better already

Obliq

Nice one OP, you sound more positive about yourself already :cool:

In answer to your question about your GP, it totally depends, I suppose. I'm sure most are professional enough and worldly wise enough to know that anyone may walk in with any problem at any time. Mine is my age, and brilliant. He has checked my breasts when I had a cyst, seen me through 2 pregnancies, prescribed anti-d's (while saying "I don't think you need a high strength....but let me know in 3 weeks how you're getting on. And I think you'll tell me if you're ok to come off them because you have personal insight, but 3 months is what I'm thinking..."), supervised a student nurse doing a smear test on me, helped my ex-husband 'volunteer' to go for psychiatric treatment and seen me in an emergency (with blood).

Not a bit of his attitude changed towards me at any stage, but maybe he's unusual? Don't feel any bit of shame missus. You're the bigger person than others who won't/can't admit they need some assistance.

Mayboy

Hi there,
I can suggest that there is a piece in Dr Aine Tubridys Book on panic which deals exactly with this - not much but it does the describe the connection between memory and incident. (Book: When panic attacks) You may also find some of the research into EMDR technique interesting especially how the mind cannot 'process' trauma and keeps it 'fresh' and 'live' as it were. It is extremely interesting and shows how despite the logic of our lives our brain still is hardwired in a certain way. In my opinion, as I get older I listen to my gut first as it's nearly always right. In your case your body is telling you something which is repeatedly coming to you as a dream/ memory.if you were abused it is highly possible that you did not remember/ did not want to remember the detail. OUr bodies are amazing though and will push us to be 'well' even if it means the facing of uncomfortable truths.

This may be a journey you need to make. Whether it was real or not remains to be seen. If it was real then you need to deal with that as people in this situation do. Go with your gut.

I wish you the best of luck.
X

Mayboy

Sorry, I forgot to add. Your query about being treated differently by your GP if you presented with anxiety? Well if your GP treats you differently because you present with anxiety then that is entirely their issue - not yours.

neemish

I can of course - if you're registered with boards, pm me and I'll pass along her details :-)

ted1

darksideofmoon wrote: »

Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone has ever gone through something similar, and if yes - how they ended up dealing with it.

I can't remember when I started getting this memory, but I do know I always dismissed it as fake, and forgot about it - for a while.

The memory is very short and involves inappropriate sexual touching from a close male relative. He would've thought I was asleep at the time. The worst thing is, in my memory I didn't even mind this touching, although I knew it was wrong, and I continued to pretend to be asleep, as I didn't know what to do. I was probably around 4-6 years at the time. The person I'm sure would've had drink on him, as he had been out. I have no other such memories, and there are far far worse things that have happened to other people - I know that!

Nonetheless, now many years later at 31, I have recently come to realise that I suffer from Anxiety/Depression. I have for many years but have always put it down to "being moody". I have very low self esteem, although on paper I would probably sound attractive enough. (tall, slim etc). Although married to a wonderful man, who treats me with nothing but love and respect, I can't help thinking negatively of all men from time to time. ( as in men don't respect women, they only think of sex, etc etc)

Last year my anxiety issues came to a head, and I realised I had a problem. After having a melt down in front of my husband and kids ( over something trivial), that involved me storming off into the night for an hour, I knew that my behaviour just wasn't normal. I have tried to help myself with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy self help books, with some success. I then went to a CBT therapist too, which also helped a little. I have not seen him for several weeks now as money is low.

The point is, all this kind of got me thinking - why did I end up like this? Unfortunately that "memory" just keeps popping up, to the extent that I feel more and more sure it happened. I'm finding it harder to push it away. I also wonder that if the person thought that I was asleep, did more things happen when I actually was sleeping? This is making me feel worse,and my self esteem these days is at a low point. Before I used to dismiss it, but I wonder how or why I would fabricate such a memory that has been popping back for years.

I really want to feel better about myself, so that I can be a better wife and mother, and I think this memory - real or fake needs to be addressed before I can move on. I'm afraid though that even if I see someone about it they will a) not believe me, and b) laugh at me as it's not such a big deal compared to many horrific cases of abuse. ( in fact using the word abuse might insult genuine victims)

Has anyone gone through something similar? I feel like I'm stuck, I'm very down on myself, and my husband is probably blue in the face reassuring me that I'm good enough for him. I don't want to drive him mad ( Poor guy tells me I won't - but still!)

Sorry for the length, any advice/feedback would be appreciated.

Between the ages for 13 and about 25 I used to dream that I killed somebody and buried the body. I often thought it was true but there was so much detail in the dream that I could remember during the day. It freaked me out for ages.
But I now know/ hope it's not true. So dreams canbe just that and not exist in reality.

However I'm not saying your making it up. I'm just giving me experience of dreams.

If it's getting to you talk to someone, there's plenty of prod out there, you've taking the first step on talking to amateurs, so the next step should be easier

Big Bag of Chips

Obliq, I've edited your first post to remove all medical advice and diagnosis. You've been a member of Boards.ie long enough to know that offering any sort of medical advice is an absolute No-No. You are not qualified to offer medical advice, and even if you were, you cannot do so online without any face to face consultation with the poster. To offer medical advice, or to recommend against what a GP may prescribe is irresponsible at best and down right dangerous at worst. Feel free to let an OP know of your personal experiences and what worked/didn't work for you. But advising them against something will earn you a ban next time. I've left the part where you speak about your own experience of using anti-depressants, as that may help the OP, but offering diagnosis, and advising against GP's advice does not help the OP.

Maybe have a reread of the site FAQ specifically THIS

Neyite

darksideofmoon wrote: »

I want to see my gp and ask for advice, but I'm afraid that if I turn up with one of the kids in future, he might view me differently, and not take me as seriously as he would have otherwise. I know you shouldn't judge anyone if they have a mental illness, but I'm afraid he would anyway. Has anyone gone directly to their gp for anxiety/depression? If yes were you treated differently afterwards for other non-related ailments?
I think talking to the rape crisis centre is a bit extreme, and I'd rather leave the lines free for people that really have been through an ordeal!

It really depends on the GP, OP. I was diagnosed with depression by mine when I first started to attend, but got better, and have never felt like I've been treated differently - in fact I was only just telling a friend that I think my GP is terrific because he really listens to what I think my issue might be, same when I go in with my baby. I always feel that its more of a collaborative process of making me better - that he just doesnt diagnose me and treat it, we discuss it, he explains his preferred method of treating it, if I'm happy with that course of action and I've to give him feedback as to whether its working for me or not.

With regard to counselling, I had flashbacks in my teens of something similar to when I was young but didnt really deal with it properly until I went to counselling in my twenties for something unrelated. But it really really helped. Maybe not with the Rape Crisis Centre, but you could contact them initially for a counsellor that has experience in that area of expertise.

It may be very minor to some, but in my opinion that incident, real or imagined is stopping you from living a fuller life. If that can be fixed, why not? It can only help.

Obliq

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Obliq, I've edited your first post to remove all medical advice and diagnosis. You've been a member of Boards.ie long enough to know that offering any sort of medical advice is an absolute No-No. You are not qualified to offer medical advice, and even if you were, you cannot do so online without any face to face consultation with the poster. To offer medical advice, or to recommend against what a GP may prescribe is irresponsible at best and down right dangerous at worst. Feel free to let an OP know of your personal experiences and what worked/didn't work for you. But advising them against something will earn you a ban next time. I've left the part where you speak about your own experience of using anti-depressants, as that may help the OP, but offering diagnosis, and advising against GP's advice does not help the OP.

Maybe have a reread of the site FAQ specifically THIS

Ok cheers Mod - Just came back to this now, been away. I wasn't being careful enough and I see where I crossed a line there. Cheers for the warining - you're right of course - unqualified advice is dangerous and that was just my experience. Sorry all.

boomkatalog

Op, you probably won't ever know if the memory is real or not but regardless, you're still dealing with the emotions that go with it. I'd suggest speaking to a professional to learn how to put it behind you, its difficult to obtain closure in a situation like that, particularly as a family member is involved and if it hadn't happened, confrontation would cause irreparable damage.

Look after yourself, your situation is more common than you think and talking to a professional might lift a weight off your shoulders.

scriba

Hi OP, just to add to what others have said here. Your memories are something that certainly merit further investigation with a counselor, and your uncertainty as to whether something did or didn't happen is not uncommon, if you do some reading up on abuse. But regardless, it sounds like life is tough, and that these memories are central to this, so specialist counselling would be the way to go, in my opinion.

So I would advise chatting to a counselor about it in the meantime, but also contacting the HSE national counselling service, who provide a service for anyone who suffered abuse as a child. You initially have a chat with a counselor for assessment, and then you are put on a waiting list for a slot (can take at least a few months) for regular sessions. If you google HSE national counselling service, you'll get their number to contact them, and take it from there.

Best of luck.