LDR Issues......

LegacyUser

Hi all, I just need a little outsider perspective on a couple of issues in my LDR (of not even a year)......sorry its going to be a long one!
Met my bf last November on a night out, we met through mutual friends. He had just moved back from London but was living 3 hours away from Dublin out in the "sticks!". Now I'm not from Dublin but I have lived up here for the last few years & I absolutely love it.

Everything was grand at the beginning, we'd make an effort to see each other at least every second weekend, he struggled to find work for the first few months but then he got something in his field near his hometown so I was delighted for him. Then at the end of May he was told he'd be working 12 hour night shifts 6 days a week with Sunday night being his only night off. This was to go on indefinitely, which basically meant that we would not see each other for a few months at least (as I work Monday - Friday & have zero holidays left this year). We just about got through it to be honest, I had a few days where I felt really insecure that he wasnt in touch much etc (he's a disaster with his phone, but has improved since I pointed out that you cannot be a nightmare with your phone & be in a long distance relationship as it just does not work).

Here's my issue, we've been pretty much seeing each other every weekend since (bar last weekend) but have had a lot of weddings etc to go to, so never any "us" time if you get me. The last time he came up to Dublin we went out for dinner on Friday night, he wanted to go home early so I said grand (I would have preferred to go for a few drinks after). Then on Saturday he basically just lay on the couch all day - we were supposed to go to the cinema but nothing was really on of interest so I had downloaded a film I knew he wanted to see so we said we'd watch that instead. We put that on at 9pm & by ten past 9 he was asleep!!!! Ok I get that he works hard during the week & is up early every morning & has quite a physical job so I do get that he's tired but its becoming a bit of a habit......

The weekend before last I was going home I asked would he liked to come down for the weekendand. As my parents were away we would have had the house to ourselves, so he said he'd come for the Friday night as he had soemthing on early Sunday morning. He arrived at half 7 (2 hour drive from where he's from), went straight into the couch & just lay there all evening. He then told me he had stayed up until half 1 the night before watching some series on his laptop, which he knew I was also watching so we could've done that together. Next thing he was asleep by 9. I ended up just going to bed, he came up around midnight, threw the leg over (I'm not one to say no as we rarely see each other) but it was more of a wham bam thank you mam where I was definitely not satisfied then he just rolled over & fell asleep!! Now I didnt want to bring it up with him as we see each other so little I dont want to spend the time we do spend together arguing. But I did say it to him last night & he thinks that I'm over-reacting..... Am I? I just think he's gotten so lazy about our relationship never making any effort (bar driving to c me, by the way I also do go down to him). I tried to instigate sex the next morning and was told that he needed a shower but that we'd do it later, well that never happened!
I feel like because we've seen each other so little, we should still be ripping the clothes off each other but it just feels like he has lost interest.
Am I being high maintenance? I'm not afraid to speak my mind, because I feel like I've been through enough over the past year before I met him (medically wise) that I believe life is too short to spend it unhappy & that's how I have spent the last 2 weeks & being honest probably longer but just am not realising it until now!
I should say that he really is a good guy other than this issue, I mean he USED to do all kinds of cute stuff for me (little things mind nothing extravagent - which I would never expect!) but this doesnt happen anymore which also adds to the issue, cos I feel like I still do stuff for him, buying his favourite foods when he's coming up etc.

Any opinions on whether or not I'm over-reacting or not are welcome! Will be seeing him this weekend & am intending on re-iterating all I said last night on the phone.

LegacyUser

OP here, forgot to mention we're both early 30's so not kids! & he owns his own house down in his hometown, I rent in Dublin.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Believe it or not I posted a thread around 2 weeks ago and it's almost the same as yours.

No, you are not over-reacting, and no, you are not high maintenance!

The advice I got was excellent and really helped me see things from another perspective. Basically my OH has been taking me for granted and lack of contact, lack of effort etc etc etc! Same things you seem to be going through.

I bottled up my feelings for 2 weeks and all of it came to a head on Saturday. Please please, do not bottle anything up, if you are bothered by his actions (or lack of actions) you NEED to say it to him! I went through hell, barely sleeping or eating because I was so caught up in all the awful emotions about our relationship. Get all your feelings out in the open because that's they only way you can move forward.

My OH got the shock of his life when I laid it all out on the table for him. I actually said I was close to ending it with him and I would give him this last chance to make a change, be a man and do the right thing. He was extremely upset by my revelations as I didnt hold back, everything came tumbling out and he was very very upset by the end of it. I didnt like to see that but I think he needed a wake up call. He got a fright as he honestly had no idea I felt that badly in the relationship.

I'm not saying yours is the exact same situation here, but the point I am trying to make is, you need to sit down and let your feelings be known. Not aggressively or crying, just normal conversation. You need to consider if you want to continue this way. Or if you want to try sot things out.

I think some relationships just get too comfortable, laid back and a little lazy, so maybe he does need a wake up call from you!

Best of luck OP and remember.. bottling things up helps nobody! let it all out!

Merkin

I think LDRs are so tough because time is limited and those snatched moments are so precious - it means time together can be so eagerly anticipated that when it's not perfect it can be very upsetting and frustrating.

He sounds totally exhausted by the time he comes to see you and you are expecting the time together to be romantic and for everything to go well. I'm not suggesting be totally regimental about it all but why not actually plan your weekends together so you both know what to expect and you maximise on your time together? If he comes up on the Friday evening for example, make him a nice meal and spend the evening reconnecting and getting jiggy? Then on the Saturday more jiginess followed by a lazy brunch out in a nice cafe or restaurant. Then go to an exhibition or the Viking splash or paintballing and then a boogie or cocktails in the evening? Then you'll be making memories together which can be stored up in your memory bank until you see one another again?

Also, I wouldn't begrudge the chap staying up late to watch a bit of TV, that is being unreasonable...