How do you cope after a relationship of lies?

Charlene_92

Hi everyone,

I have recently cut ties with a man who I proved to be a compulsive liar in every dimension of our relationship. Although we weren't going out for an overly long time, I did love him and he said he felt the same. Last week, after some digging online, I discovered he had a fiance and that they were to be married at the end of October. It was then that all his lies bubbled to the surface and everything just clicked.

He had told me he had his own house which he shared with housemates and they had made an agreement not to have girls stay over. Odd, yet could be true. He said he was 29 but was really 30, that his middle name was what everyone called him by.... The lies just mounted so much that at this point, it is hard to decipher what is real.

I informed his wife to be after much deliberation and she still wishes to marry him, after reading messages where he blatantly described how he did not love her anymore, how he only wanted to marry her and stay with her a few months to get entitlement to their house and countless other things.

I guess what I am trying to ask here is how do you move on from this kind of thing? What I am confused over is how he could have done all these things, yet still claim he loved me, even when the lies were all out and everyone knew? Regardless, I will never really know how he felt about me but I am leaning towards the fact that he simply wanted to use me until he was done or to have his cake and eat it.

So how do I start to mentally move on? I am a strong person, I am not stupid in any way and I will get through this but I would just like to hear some opinions. Maybe some of you have gone through similiar issues (if you have, my heart goes out to you). I am going about my life as normal and getting on with things but you know how it is, when you are alone, your mind wanders.

Any help is greatly appreciated.
Thanks

loubian

I wasn't really in a similar situation but I was in love with my ex and he broke my heart. All I can say is keep doing what you're doing - keeping yourself busy, doing things you enjoy. But also remember you're human and it's natural to feel sad about these things so if you find one day you're thinking about it a lot and its getting you down, just go with it. I went to cognitive behavioural therapy (for different reasons) and my counsellor said instead of beating yourself up for feeling low about something, just acknowledge it and you'll get over it quicker. It works.

Just invest in yourself now that you have free time and remember there are genuine guys out there best of luck xx

Charlene_92

loubian wrote: »

I wasn't really in a similar situation but I was in love with my ex and he broke my heart. All I can say is keep doing what you're doing - keeping yourself busy, doing things you enjoy. But also remember you're human and it's natural to feel sad about these things so if you find one day you're thinking about it a lot and its getting you down, just go with it. I went to cognitive behavioural therapy (for different reasons) and my counsellor said instead of beating yourself up for feeling low about something, just acknowledge it and you'll get over it quicker. It works.

Just invest in yourself now that you have free time and remember there are genuine guys out there best of luck xx

Wow! Thanks a million. I really needed that. I have been beating myself up about it and wondering how I didn't see this sooner but I can see why that's not going to get me anywhere. I have a positive outlook to it and I firmly believe I got out just in time. I suppose it will take time before I can learn that there are genuine guys but there have to be. After all, guy friends are helping me through this so there's an example

LegacyUser

I haven't been in your shoes exactly but I was involved with a really toxic man for quite some time who treated me appallingly and I eventually said to myself no more. It was an intensely physical connection which really messed with my head when I was at a vulnerable stage in my life. He continued to absolutely hound me after I stopped it however and I did hook up with him quite a few times over a few months until I realised (again) that he was still a lying sleazebag who I knew ultimately wasn't good enough for me. I only found out after the fact that I was sleeping with him at the same time his girlfriend (who I knew nothing about) was heavily pregnant. That horrified me. I replaced my phone number, changed my name because I subsequently got married etc and yet he looked me up on LinkedIn as recently as last week.....three years later

You're asking how to cope? I reckon use this as a learning exercise which will ultimately help you in finding a suitable partner later on. Don't let cynicism become your bedfellow but do exercise caution and if something feels dodgy or doesn't ring true then don't be afraid to explore it further. Don't allow him to damage you. Accept what happened happened but don't beat yourself up about it.

Above all else, this isn't about coping. Not really. It's about thanking your lucky stars every day of your life that you're no longer with the lying swine. This has now left you free to meet someone really amazing who will love you and treat you with the respect you deserve. I feel sorry for his fiancee, I don't know how she could enter a marriage like that knowing what type of person he is.

Charlene_92

Hey Beentheredonethat,

First of all, I'm so sorry you had to go through that! Sadly, when we are vulnerable, people tend to take advantage of us and that guy you talk of sounds like my first boyfriend oddly enough (yes, I do pick them well don't I)! It's hard to shake them, especially when they hound you and lie so well. You seem happy what with getting married though so I'm over the moon for you that you have emerged the sweeter side of this situation.

That advice is much needed. I definitely will be cautious, as I always am! I've had bad experiences before which I am thankful for now as they prepared me for this situation because I was able to smell the scent of lies before it became fully apparant. I know not all men are that way inclined but it will be tricky getting into a new relationship but in no way will I let him ruin that! I suppose what I need most is closure. The shock of this and how different a person he turned out to be is what has left me so bewildered. Talking about it and getting others opinions really is helping me and I can sense that I will soon be able to conclude it in my head and lock it away.

I did feel sorry for his fiance until she made that stupid decision. She has all our messages, some where he describes himself as "no longer interested" in her and "doesn't want to marry her really". The fact she can sit in the same room without her skin crawling is sick let alone that she will still marry him. I suppose that's what happens when you let someone fool you and don't question it. But i am glad, elated in fact, that I get to give myself to someone who deserves me down the line. I will have a husband and family of my own one day and I can be certain that it will be based on love and honesty, not lies, ego and deceit.

Again, thanks a million! That has helped unbelievably!

CaraMay

You really shouldn't blame yourself. I always believe that if you are not capable of deception, especially on this level, then it's harder to spot it in others.

What a silly fiancée

Charlene_92

That's exactly what I have come to believe CaraMay. I keep saying to my friends how I cannot believe someone could do something so vile and the answer is that some people get a sick kick out of deceit, lies and ego! I know for a fact I could never do what he has done to my worst enemy even! Crazy how people can be so nasty...

LegacyUser

I was in a different situation to you op but was involved with a lying man nonetheless. I met him and things moved a little fast, but at the time I didn't see it as fast. After bedding me, he issued some promises which all became flat. I was able to dismiss all bar one by making excuses like 'he must busy'. When I took up one of his little promises which went flat, I was given an excuse which left things open. When I next took it up with him, I was given another vague excuse. He never turned to resolve that disappointment and behaved careless. To me, it was all lies.

It really messed with my emotions in which many emerged like excitement and anticipation followed by disappointment and confusion. It wrecked with my head.

To me it was all lies. I felt awful and that would be an understatement.

Op, you're going to have to concentrate on yourself and look after yourself with hobbies and interests and things that you like doing. Maybe if there was something new that you were interested in but never did, now might be a good time to try something new like a new hobby or something. Aside from that I don't have any more advice. I think you did the right thing contacting his partner. She's a silly woman continueing with him but do you know she too was probably fed a packful of lies. I'd say, like a previous poster wrote, count your lucky stars. Go out dancing at the weekend and celebrate.

LegacyUser

It was a horrible situation to be in but at least you found out what he was like now.
You did the right thing telling the woman he is due to marry about what he was really like.
The fact that you give her prof of what he had written about her and she won't take your advice is sad.

Why would you marry a man who you know has written and said things like this about you?
If you found out a man was only with you for your money, house ect why would you stay with them?
Also if some one was like this and you did not to notice it would a freind not say in a nice way what they have noticed about him?
One time one of my freinds was going out with a man for a few months. One night she asked me to meet her to chat about him. Once she started to tell me things I told her in a nice way that I did not think they had a future due to x,y,z but shortly after this she ended things with him.

To me getting involved in a relationship and getting married is about more than a big day out to show off to family and freinds. You have to know a person well and take notice of what friends/family say or notice about them. Also if something does not feel right or look right you have to ask questions or do some digging. You may not like what you find but it is better to know the truth.

I know a woman and when she started to go out this with man he would tell her I can't go out this weekend as I am broke. At the time he was living at home, earning good money and his only expense was his car. She never questioned or did some digging in regards to this. She has now found out he has a serious gambling problem and has lost over €10k in the past year. He has being doing this despite being married with a family and having a limited income.

Another friend of mine was engaged to a man and a few weeks before the wedding he told her I don't want to get married. At that stage he had got a good job, made new friends but months before this I rember hearing something he said which I taught was odd.
My freind was very upset when this happened but after a while she started to go out with freinds ect. One night she met a man and she introduced me to him. The following day I told her if he rings you go out with him. I was at there wedding less than 3 years later.

Just be thankful everyday that you are not with a man like you ex. Some times things happen for a reason that you can't see at the time but later you find out the reason why.
You are right to look for love and honesty, not lies, ego and deceit.

Charlene_92

Thanks for your reply wise woman.

It is very easy to turn a blind eye in the hope that what you think is wrong. But I wouldn't do that, I rather truth anyday over lies, no matter how ugly. This man was extremely good at lying, he had my friends believing he was the bees knees and it was only my gut instinct that led me to find the truth. If I hadn't got that, chances are I'd still be with him now, none the wiser.

I suppose you have to accept you cannot trust anyone and try to find out for yourself what they are like, whether that be being cautious or doing what I did and looking up their lives online. In this day and age, it seems the only way to know for sure.