Wife has asked me to move out

fuzz69er

Hi all.

After a row yesterday (not the first, have become more frequent) my wife has asked me to move out for 'a few days/weeks' until she get's her head clear. It breaks my heart to do it (we've a 6 month old son) but I'm thinking if she needs the space it's best to give it to her.

We argue over stupid things and a lot of it is down to me. I love her (and my son to bits) but I just seem to have the compulsion to do and say the wrong thing, even at times when I know it will hurt her.

I've been consumed by lethargy in the past few years. I have no interest in doing anything other than watching TV and gaming and as a result I've alienated a lot of my friends and now it's taking a toll on my marriage. TBF my wife has been very patient with me. We've had dificult times before and I've always said I'd change, things improve for a few weeks and then we (I) settle back into the old routine. My work has suffered as well and I despise my job, but I'm too lazy/nervous to look for anything else. I constantly turn down invitations from friends and family to do things/go places and I can see the invitations becoming less frequent as they lose interest.

My health is also suffering as I've piled on the weight, but despite my GP and wife trying to help I've basically ignored them and just carried on as before.

I think I need professional help. I don't know whether or not my marriage can be saved but I just need to talk to someone and try and sort my life out. Just typing it all out has helped. I've never spoken to anyone before and I feel like I need to get this weight off my shoulders and try to move on with my life.

I'm just so sad it's destroying me. I've lost a few relatives in the past few years, a couple in tragic circumstances, I don't know if deep down that's affecting me more than I think. I just can't figure this out on my own and this latest issue has made me feel like the walls are closing in.

I'm not sure if it's a therapist, a marriage counsellor or a psychiatrist I need.

Diziet

I have heard very good things about Accord; it is worth contacting them as you want to save your relationship. At the same time, book an appointment with your GP; they can recommend a counsellor and/or suitable therapy if necessary.

It is great that you are taking action, best of luck.

December2012

Make an appointment with a marriage counsellor as that is the currently more pressing matter. Accord can help - so can Relationships Ireland.

Ask your wife for some more time without moving out - maybe move to a different room instead. She has just had a baby and it seems like you have not been the man she needed to rely on - this was one of those times when your promise to her about good times and bad, sickness and health comes home to roost.

You may be seen by a counsellor this week if you are willing to pay. Ask your wife to come with you, but go to it even if she wont.

LegacyUser

Hey, well done for asking for help. It might be helpful to go for a couple of counselling sessions to talk about things by yourself and about yourself with them and see what you can learn about how things are for you as an individual first and foremost.
You'll get over this impasse for sure. Stay positive and work at it.

fuzz69er

Thanks for the replies.

Should I be speaking to my GP for a referral/reference or do I look for a counsellor myself? I just had a quick Google and there appear to be loads in the area!

Thanks again.

Diziet

I suggested seeing the GP because if there is underlying depression they can prescribe antidepressants in addition to counselling. They will also be able to recommend a counselling service. But there is nothing preventing you going to a counsellor directly.

fuzz69er

Thanks. I've made an appointment to see my GP tomorrow.

I know it sounds clichéd but I feel a little better already, knowing that I've at least taken half a step.

LegacyUser

This is your wake up call that you have to change your ways or your marriage will end.
At this stage you need to ask your wife if you can stay in the house and ask her will she go to marriage counselling with you.

This is what I would advise you to do once you sort out the marriage counselling
a) Go to your doctor and get a full health check. Get your blood ect tested to make sure that your iron, b vit levels ect are as they should be.
b) You need to lose weight and I know what this is like. I joined slimming world and have lost a few stone. I found once I started to eat bettter I felt better. I started to walk every day and built up my fitness.
c) Limit the amount of tv watching and gaming that you are doing and spent this free time istead with your wife and baby. Help your wife out more and mind the baby so she can have a brake.

The hardest thing is accepting that you have make changes in order to improve your life and you marriage.
If you decide that you need to have some counselling on your own I would look for a person who is a counselling psychologist. If you look up psi.ie Psychological Society of Ireland (PSI).
website you can get there name or you can contact the psi directly in regards to finding someone to help. A counselling psychologist will have both a degree and masters along with experience in order to be registered on this list.

fuzz69er

Thanks for the advice.

I had an appointment with the GP and he is trying to organise a psychiatric assessment for me ASAP. He mentioned anxiety and depression and told me I needed professional help urgently. He said I should hear back today. He asked me if I felt I wanted to be taken in for a few days to help me get away from the stressful environments that I'm in. I said that for now I'd rather not that I'd like to see how the counselling goes first. I was kind of worried that they might lock me up! I know that sounds stupid and maybe a few days away would help me. I suppose I'll see how it goes.

I know the healthy eating and exercise is a big part of it. In early 2011 I lost 4 stone in 5 months through weight watchers and I felt great but then I stopped going and the habits slipped and I'm probably heavier now than I was before. I've tried goin back, tried the gym, tried going for walks and I just can't stick at any of them. The motivations just isn't there. I know I'm doing damage to my health and my marriage but I just can't seem to help myself. I don't want to be this way but I don't know what to do to change things.

Hopefully a professional can help me work through this and sort my life out, I couldn't bear to lose my family and that's where this is heading if I don't sort it out.

miamee

Well done OP on going to see the GP, hopefully this is the start of better things for you and your family.
Don't be too hard on yourself about not having motivation for getting fit or healthy eating at the moment. It *is* important but be kind to yourself - one thing at a time. If you feel up to making some small changes to diet/eating habits, do that. Every little helps and when you feel a bit stronger you may decide to go back to Weight Watchers or something else this time.

Best of luck

Diziet

Well done for seeing the GP. And if you do decide to take up the option of a few days in hospital, rest assured that they don't lock people in, unless they are in extreme danger to themselves or others (which clearly does not apply to you). Really the hardest step is recognising the problem and asking for help, it will get better from now on.

fuzz69er

My wife has let me stay in the house, though last night was very awkward, we hardly spoke. I looked after my son and put him to bed and she mostly stayed in her room while I was in the sitting room.

She has text to say she wants to talk tonight. I know it will be difficult but hopefully we can get things out in the open at last. She has had a difficult few years herself with family bereavements and other issues and she doesn't sleep very well, and it's partly why I've not spoken to her, I didn't want to burden her further.

Hopefully we can make some efforts towards clearing the air tonight.

Corkgirl210

be honest and as open as you can be..

thats what intimacy is.. and it seems you have been coping alone with your thoughts... and shutting her out..

wish you the best.. well done on your willingness to change!!

we can only change what we are aware of.. youre half way there!

Queen-Mise

fuzz69er wrote: »

I'm not sure if it's a therapist, a marriage counsellor or a psychiatrist I need.

You probably need all three TBH , albeit not at the same time though.

Your wife is probably at her wits end with you. There is nothing as frustrating as seeing someone spiralling slowly downwards and not doing anything to help themselves and then as you said in your OP you have the gift for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It is a wonder she hasn't strangled you:rolleyes: Although she is probably terrified to at the same time.

Some anti-depressants might balance out you mood a bit and help with the anxiety.
Don't start the counselling until you see a psychiatrist first - there is a line of thought that doing counselling when depressed can bring you further down (the idea of bring up issues when you are not able for them).

They may not be any problems in your marriage. Once you have a handle on some of your stuff, all the rest might fall into place again.

You are doing the right things - going to GP, asking opinions and advice, tell your wife about this thread and chat about some of the stuff said. Bounce ideas of each other.

Exercise helps with depression - so in the evening, wrap the baby up like a burrito and go for walk - either with your wife & ye can chat without distractions, or without to give her a break & she can watch her soaps.

Slow and steady - don't take on too much too quickly.

fuzz69er

Well we had a really great chat yesterday. I got stuff off my chest that I'd been hanging on to for ages. It was a very frank discussion, she told me all the things that had been bothering her and I tried to listen and process it as best I could.

I then told her how I'd been feeling, the pressures and anxiety I'd been trying to suppress and how I low I felt at times. She wasn't completely surprised as she had noticed I'd been down for a long time.

The good news it that we still love each other deeply and she has vowed to support me through whatever comes next. I'm still waiting on news of a referral but since talking to the GP and now to my wife I do feel as though the cloud has partly lifted - or maybe it's the tablets!

I realise there's lots to do, but taking the first step has really helped. I'm anxious to talk to a professional now, someone who can help teach me how to deal with my feelings and how to work things out rather than bottling them up, and hopefully help me get back my motivation.

Thanks to everyone in here for their kind words and advice. I shall update the thread every once in a while when progress is made. Perhaps my struggles will resonate with someone else and they can take something from what I've been/will be going through.

miamee

That's great fuzz69er, it must have been great for both of you to finally share what was on your minds and realise that you still love each other and want to stick together through it all. Good luck to you both now

LegacyUser

I have to say OP it's so nice to see things are looking up for you!

You should be proud that you went to get help and you're aiming to sort things out. Well done and keep your head up

Big Bag of Chips

It is so so easy to fall into the rut you are in. And it is so much easier to stay in it, than to climb out of it. You are making positive changes. Just don't let it drop after a couple of weeks, like you have done in the past.

Take this as your wake up call. Your wife has reached a point in her life where she felt it would be easier to be a single mother to a 6 month old baby, than to continue with your marriage. That is not an easy decision for anyone to come to.

You do genuinely sound like you want to change your life, so take this as the last kick up the backside your wife is willing to give you! Keep your focus on what is important, your wife, your baby and your marriage. Everything else are just "extras" in your life.

Good luck to you. Keep it up this time!

Curry Addict

there are times in our lives we all have to dig deep to overcome a huge obstacle. this is one of those times for you and you are making all the right moves and will succeed. When you get there it will be worth the fight and life will be great.