My ex, our son, ex new girlfriend

Sasa1

Hi. I've never posted on this before but I would greatly appreciate advice on this. Myself and my ex have a 2 year old boy. We spilt up (after 4 years together) because he cheated on me. My son was 1 when we split up.

So now ex has a new girlfriend and wanted to take our son to stay at her house this weekend. I said no way.

By court order he is supposed to take our son wed night and one night over the weekend, he hasn't stuck to this agreement since court last November.

He text me on thur to say he will take son to dub for weekend to stay at this woman's house, I refused straight away as I don't know this woman, by court order ex is supposed to take son to paternal grandparents house when he takes him overnight, and I think my son is way too young to meet a woman ex is seeing since July, i don't think this would be safe environment as I don't know her or where it is.

Ex now says I am being controlling and a bitch and stopping him from taking son.

I strongly believe it isn't safe to bring a 2 year old to a strangers house, and he would be breaking court order, and son is so young.

I am upset that he has met someone but I am more upset that he so easily makes the trip from west to east of the country to see this new woman but yet won't make the effort to see his son unless its convenient for him- as in he wants to take him to Dublin because he has made plans to see her.

He pays €40 maintenance a week despite having a full time job and his own business. He has, in the past, gone 5 weeks without seeing son, doesn't buy nappies etc when he takes him.
I would appreciate advice on this...

Should I allow ex to take son overnight to strangers house, to pick and choose when he takes son despite court order stating the days.
Thanks for reading, sorry so long!

CaraMay

I wouldn't let my child go to a strangers house especially if it breaches a court order.

Sasa1

I told ex that it was a effectively a strangers house and he says its not because he knows her!!! Doesn't make it any safer for my son in my opinion

So now he says he won't be taking son overnight because I won't allow him to take him to his rented accommodation or to new girlfriend house. The rented acc is a student house with 4 lads a lot younger than my ex and this just screams 'unsafe' to me!
He says I am being difficult and a bitch because I am 'controlling' the situation.
I genuinely believe I am just being a responsible parent and I won't compromise on this.
My son now has to miss out on seeing his dad and my ex can do what he likes when he likes and I don't get a break.

clairefontaine

No and not if the court order has the address on it. If he is so irresponsible with honouring the court order if I were to I'd go back to court and have it changed.

You have an obligation to know where your two year old is and in whose care she is.

cletus van damme

tbh I was in a similar position - where my ex moved in with a guy I didn't know.
my view was that I had to trust she had the kids best interests at heart.

I can only advise on my own experience but it's not really my call what my kids do with their mam and who they meet - and likewise when they are with me she doesn't really have a call either.
Both parents need to be parents, real parents with a say in what the kids do.

July - oct is 4 months. It's kinda on the borderline to when I introduced my kids to my gf. maybe a little early.
But it all depends. If he is trustworthy to have custody of your son then you kinda need to trust that he will care for your son.
But only you can make that call.

Given that you are now apart your son is going to meet quite a few people in his dad's life who you don't know or may never know. That may take some getting used too.

I'm not saying it will be easy and I understand your reluctance.

clairefontaine wrote: »

No and not if the court order has the address on it. If he is so irresponsible with honouring the court order if I were to I'd go back to court and have it changed.

You have an obligation to know where your two year old is and in whose care she is.

It's unlikely that the court envisages him staying forever with the grandparents. It is fairly impractical tbh.
If he is allowed bring the child away like on hols then that would come into play - courts are quite lenient on that stuff esp if he is showing an interest in a relationship with activities. Court loves that stuff.

Big Bag of Chips

If he wants to alter the court order then he has to go to court to do so. But sometimes there should be flexibility. I do think you need to trust him to take care of his child. As the above poster mentioned, you have 2 seperate lives now and your child will meet people that you don't know.

Your ex shouldn't have a say in what you do or where you go with your child, and you shouldn't have a say in what he does. I know you think it is not safe, but why do you think that? Do you think your ex would put your child in danger? Do you genuinely believe it is not safe, or are you just annoyed that he is going out with someone and introducing your son to her?

As I said, if he wants to change the court order he needs to go back to court. But he will probably need to prove that he has been sticking rigidly to the existing court order to show that he is genuine about wanting a proper relationship with him. If you can prove that he comes and goes as he pleases (dates where he didn't show up etc) then a judge mightn't look too favourably on him.

It's a tough call, as a mother your instincts kick in and you want to protect your baby. But you also need to trust that as his father, he will want to do right by him too.

Goldenlady

Hi OP,

I don't have any kids, but my ex did so I can understand. I believe you need to meet this woman first before your child spends time with her, your son is too young and you don't even know if her house is ready for a 2 year old - cots, high chairs etc. I believe its unfair of your ex to expect you to just accept this. On the flip side, yes he should be able to take the child over night, but why is he doing a house share if he is working full time - seems very immature! Best of luck with everything xx

username123

Do you allow your ex to have a say in whose house you bring your child to or who you introduce him to?

Sasa1

username123 wrote: »

Do you allow your ex to have a say in whose house you bring your child to or who you introduce him to?

That's neither here nor there as I am the full time parent whereas my ex has access and court order states visitation rights which he hasn't stuck to. I wouldn't bring my son to strangers houses overnight or bring him to stay in a student house.
I had to take ex to court because he picked and choose when he wanted to see son, and it wasn't fair because he just as easily cancelled.
I have suggested he move to suitable accommodation but that that has fallen on deaf ears so it seems.
I wouldn't say he is is directly irresponsible, he is very immature and selfish in a sense that he will put our son way down the list of priorities.
It's not so much the new girlfriend, it's the fact that he had plans made with her this weekend and wanted to fit our son into these plans- by bringing him to stay at hers.
The reason court accepted Overnight stays to be at grandparents house is because of the unsuitable accommodation ex has.

Sasa1

Goldenlady wrote: »

Hi OP,

I don't have any kids, but my ex did so I can understand. I believe you need to meet this woman first before your child spends time with her, your son is too young and you don't even know if her house is ready for a 2 year old - cots, high chairs etc. I believe its unfair of your ex to expect you to just accept this. On the flip side, yes he should be able to take the child over night, but why is he doing a house share if he is working full time - seems very immature! Best of luck with everything xx

I have no issue with him taking son overnight, it's the place he would be taking him to that's the issue. The student house with young men or the gf house with stranger.
I don't trust him in a sense that he would put son down on the list of priorities, doesn't have routine with him and doesn't see why it could be damaging to introduce a new gf to 2 year old.
I already don't trust him because of cheating!
Thanks for your advice, much appreciated x

Sasa1

Court order states paternal grandparent house because of the student house my ex lives in. He isn't a student, he 30 and living with 22 year old lads. That's why I stated to judge that I don't want son staying there and judge agreed.

His relationship with our son is this- he saw him September 30th for 5 hours, that's the last time he saw our son, on a day that wasn't part of court order

He text last thur and said he would bring son to Dublin to stay at gf house, I said no because dont know this person, what kind of place she lives in and it woud breach court order.
My solicitor wrote letter to him 2 weeks ago about this whole thing and he is yet to respond.
Until it is sorted through solicitors/court then i am reluctant to let son stay with him.
He is very immature and a charmer, I wouldn't say he compromises our child's safety but I don't think he knows how to mind a child and doesn't put needs or routine first.
When my son stay with his dad I am always uneasy about it.

LegacyUser

I can understand how you feel even though I don't have children.

a) You are right that he has his child in his grandparents house for safety.
b) You should be getting more maintance if he has good earnings - this money is to help bring up his child.
c) The days he should have his son should be as per court order.
Your son needs stability in his life and as he gets older he will be getting upset if he does not see his father or stays with him on certain nights. Also you need a brake from your son to have you own life and to keep you happy.
d) I would not let a 2 year old stay with a person you have never met in a strange house.
At the moment you ex wants your son to stay with him and his girlfreind so he can look good in front of her. You are doing the right thing here despite him telling you that you are being a bitch.

You ex needs to realise that once you become a parent that you have to put your child first espically in circumstance likes yours. He needs to see and have his son as per the court order so you can have a brake also. You are right in going the legal route as you have prof of what you have done and said in regards to your sons care.

Could I ask do you get on well with his parents, as they could be wondering why they have not had your son to stay with them in the past few weeks. He could be telling them she won't let me see him ect. If you call over with your son I am sure they would be happy to see him. I would tell them what has been hapening between you and that you want him involved in your son's life but he has told you he won't have the child as he can't stay with him in his house share or with his new girlfriend. I would let them know you have sent him a solicitors letter in regards to all this over 2 weeks ago but you have not heard from him since the text you got last Thur.

His parents may not be happy to hear all of the above but I am sure they would have a chat with him re the above. I hope things work out for you.

LegacyUser

OP, do you give the father of this child any say is where you bring the child? Does he have any rights in the upbringing of the child? Or is it totally down to your opinion?

What rights do you think he, as the father, should have?

Sasa1

wise woman wrote: »

I can understand how you feel even though I don't have children.

a) You are right that he has his child in his grandparents house for safety.
b) You should be getting more maintance if he has good earnings - this money is to help bring up his child.
c) The days he should have his son should be as per court order.
Your son needs stability in his life and as he gets older he will be getting upset if he does not see his father or stays with him on certain nights. Also you need a brake from your son to have you own life and to keep you happy.
d) I would not let a 2 year old stay with a person you have never met in a strange house.
At the moment you ex wants your son to stay with him and his girlfreind so he can look good in front of her. You are doing the right thing here despite him telling you that you are being a bitch.

You ex needs to realise that once you become a parent that you have to put your child first espically in circumstance likes yours. He needs to see and have his son as per the court order so you can have a brake also. You are right in going the legal route as you have prof of what you have done and said in regards to your sons care.

Could I ask do you get on well with his parents, as they could be wondering why they have not had your son to stay with them in the past few weeks. He could be telling them she won't let me see him ect. If you call over with your son I am sure they would be happy to see him. I would tell them what has been hapening between you and that you want him involved in your son's life but he has told you he won't have the child as he can't stay with him in his house share or with his new girlfriend. I would let them know you have sent him a solicitors letter in regards to all this over 2 weeks ago but you have not heard from him since the text you got last Thur.

His parents may not be happy to hear all of the above but I am sure they would have a chat with him re the above. I hope things work out for you.

Thank you for that advice, I really appreciate it.
I get on well with his parents but his mum is sick with cancer at present so is in and out of hospital, she isn't very open to me and my son going to visit her which I completely understand since she has started treatment, but before she got diagnosis she wasn't very open to my son visiting with me etc.

I wouldn't want to contact the parents about this as I feel they have enough going on and also this has to do with their son, who needs to grow up.

They aren't helpful to me or my son. They don't contact me asking how he is, or anything like that. Ex has one sister, she hasn't seen my son since September 2012!
So I think the whole family are incapable of being a part of my sons life, to be honest.
Legal advice got and I will not allow ex to take son any day or any night until he responds to solicitor letter, outlining exactly what he wants and then I'll ask solicitor to advice me from there. I'm not happy with ex taking son any time, I don't trust him so for now I won't allow it until legally he has to
I want to go back to court because he has broken all court orders.
The pathetic €40 towards his son every week is laughable as he would put €50 petrol in car to visit new Girlfriend at the weekend. He doesn't even buy nappies for our son.

I will fight this in court as I feel so sorry for my son, he is only 2 and I will get whatever he deserves. More maintenance, strict hours ex can see him and I will not allow overnight stays as he is clearly unable to provide safe environment for my son to stay. A year since last court date and he still hasn't sorted anything.

Sasa1

bananaRep12 wrote: »

OP, do you give the father of this child any say is where you bring the child? Does he have any rights in the upbringing of the child? Or is it totally down to your opinion?

What rights do you think he, as the father, should have?

I have never and would never bring my son to stay in a student house with 4 strangers. I wouldn't compromise my sons safety, unlike me ex.
So I don't tell him where I bring my son as I provide a full time safe environment for my son in a sense that he is safe living with me, my mum and dad mind him while I work. So he has no reason to question the safety of my son when with me.

It's not really 'my opinion' it's experience. Ex makes plans to take son eg Monday and Tuesday but would text on Sunday to say he can't take son, he cancels last minute or takes him and brings him back earlier or later then agreed.
He doesn't provide a safe place for my son to stay so I will not allow my son to stay overnight. Judge made court order staying son to stay at ex parents house as that is safe but ex refuses to do that.

What rights does he have? Well obviously he has the right to be a part of his life and upbringing, but am I supposed to compromise?
My ex walked out on us when son was 1, he made that decision and he cheated on me. He comes and goes as he likes with regards to picking and choosing when he sees our son, cancels last minute etc. this is damaging for my son. He earns more money than me but doesn't pay towards his upbringing, €40 a week doesn't even pay child care. He owns his own business and works freelance too so I know he earns money. The €40 is lodged by direct debit into a separate acc for my son for when he is older.
It's not my opinion at all, I will not allow my son to be treated badly, ex decides when it's suits him to take son.
He hasn't contacted me since last thur about our son, he hasn't seen him since Wednesday sep 25th, he has gone 5 weeks without seeing him before.
He doesn't prioritise my son at all, I have to hound him to get him to see our son, I have to ask him when is he going o see him or buy nappies etc.
So he has rights but he certainly doesn't act like a father to my son

LegacyUser

Sasa1 wrote: »

........
What rights does he have? Well obviously he has the right to be a part of his life and upbringing, but am I supposed to compromise? ...............

From your various postings, it appears you are of the opinion you are not supposed to compromise.

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?

Fathers have rights too!

Merkin

I'm sorry, but your little boy is still a baby and you want to protect him and not put him in any danger. I don't care if your ex's new bird is the Virgin incarnate, you don't know who she is or what company she keeps. As for your ex bringing a little boy to a student house full of young lads....no, just no. You stick rigidly to the terms of the Court Order and tell your ex that if he wants to change the terms it is done through the proper channels. The judge will laugh at him, especially when to date he has shown a flagrant disregard for both you and your son. Stick to your guns. You're 100% correct in wanting to protect your little boy.

Karede

hhmm I have a blended family so I see both sides.

Your son's needs should come before everything else and that includes cultivating a strong relationship with both parents. You are going to have to deal with your ex for the rest of your life not just until your son is 18 years old as there will be more birthdays, engagements, marriages, grandchildren etc etc. Because of this I think it is important for you to deal with any issues you may have with your ex including bitterness towards him. You do say you are upset he has a new girlfriend. Unfortunately you will have to get used to this sort of thing.

I would only use the courts as a last resort as from my experience it can get ugly and leave a bad feeling between both parties. Can you sit down with your ex and talk things through? Come up with a parenting plan together?

If you make things more difficult for you ex to see his son he could walk away completely or your son could find out in years to come and blame you!

You were in a relationship with this man for 4 years, you loved him and you chose to have a child with him so he can't be that bad???

Whatever choices you make, please make them with both your child's best interests not with bitterness.

Dodd

What Merkin said plus get used to being a bit of a bitch if you want to be a good perant.
When your lad is 10 and wants to watch over 18 films I hope you will be a bitch and say no and not be a push over.
When he is 14 and wants to go to parties where there will be drink or drugs then be a bitch also.

If someone called to your home and asked where your two year old is and you don't know the address,do you not think that makes you a bad perant.

mangotracy

I think trust and security are the main issues. I had a problem recently where my ex took my son to a festival and I didn't think it was that safe. But we have worked to talk every now and then, and he does stay overnight at his girlfriends house, and sometimes this can be the most secure place!

But it sounds as if your ex needs to build up some trust with you and your son first. Couldn't you explain first, that the reason he is to stay at grandparents was to provide security and stability. Surely he must have your sons interests at heart.

Say you wouldn't rule out staying somewhere else, months or maybe more into the future, that was also stable and secure but that you need to be sure its a)safe, b)somewhere where the boy will get enough attention and security and that c) it won't chop and change. If your ex becomes very serious about this woman over several months it could change. But just not now. Surely he could see sense in that?

Sasa1

mangotracy wrote: »

I think trust and security are the main issues. I had a problem recently where my ex took my son to a festival and I didn't think it was that safe. But we have worked to talk every now and then, and he does stay overnight at his girlfriends house, and sometimes this can be the most secure place!

But it sounds as if your ex needs to build up some trust with you and your son first. Couldn't you explain first, that the reason he is to stay at grandparents was to provide security and stability. Surely he must have your sons interests at heart.

Say you wouldn't rule out staying somewhere else, months or maybe more into the future, that was also stable and secure but that you need to be sure its a)safe, b)somewhere where the boy will get enough attention and security and that c) it won't chop and change. If your ex becomes very serious about this woman over several months it could change. But just not now. Surely he could see sense in that?

Yes you see I would hope he can see sense in that, it's all about our sons safety and well being. I am certain my ex is not thinking that way now. He makes and cancels plans on a regular basis with our son. Has broken court order repeatedly.
What I have decided to do for the time being is not contact him, let him reply to solicitor letter and let him contact me.

I do want to go back to court though. For the simple reason that my ex is very stubborn and has to get the last word. Talking to him doesn't work as he gets aggressive and intimidates me in that way.
I tried to set up mediation, 3 letters were sent to him by mediator about setting up an appointment but he didn't reply. This was in june, in fact he took a holiday to Spain for himself instead of sorting out what's best for our son.
So solicitor and court is the only way.

I don't think I am being unreasonable as he has only recently started seeing this woman, and I know nothing about her.
I do not think it is safe for my child physically to stay at her house, and emotionally I believe it is too soon for a 2 year old to have another woman in his life.

So my ex will not be taking our son until my solicitor receives a response from him. 2 weeks ago letter was sent.
Thank you

Sasa1

Karede wrote: »

hhmm I have a blended family so I see both sides.

Your son's needs should come before everything else and that includes cultivating a strong relationship with both parents. You are going to have to deal with your ex for the rest of your life not just until your son is 18 years old as there will be more birthdays, engagements, marriages, grandchildren etc etc. Because of this I think it is important for you to deal with any issues you may have with your ex including bitterness towards him. You do say you are upset he has a new girlfriend. Unfortunately you will have to get used to this sort of thing.

I would only use the courts as a last resort as from my experience it can get ugly and leave a bad feeling between both parties. Can you sit down with your ex and talk things through? Come up with a parenting plan together?

If you make things more difficult for you ex to see his son he could walk away completely or your son could find out in years to come and blame you!

You were in a relationship with this man for 4 years, you loved him and you chose to have a child with him so he can't be that bad???

Whatever choices you make, please make them with both your child's best interests not with bitterness.

I totally agree with you about my sons needs first. And I believe I am putting my sons needs first.
The bitterness for my ex is not because I pine for him or anything like that. It's because he spends more money and time on his new girlfriend then he has ever done on his child.
He wanted to take him to stay at her house, which would be going from not seeing our son for over a week to taking to him to a strangers house for the weekend. I have to stop it right there, I think that is completely unacceptable.
He puts very little time and effort into our son aswell as not buying nappies and essentials for him. He is selfish that he wanted to take our child to her house which wouldn't be the bounding time my son needs with his dad.

The 4 year relationship we had doesnt really come into it because he cheated on me so I've lost all respect for him and the relationship wasn't built on trust due to that. He is the kind of man that will go out of his way to keep friends happy but would come home and neglect us, disrespect me and only see son when it suited him. House devil street angel.
He is selfish and stubborn and never ever apologises for anything he does.

I do everything for our son. Provide suitable house, his own child safe bedroom (ex has single bed in a house with 4 lads) I live close to my family and my parents my our son while I work. He has a great routine and Is a very happy toddler.
His father doesn't do the same for him. Son comes back from visits full of sugar and hyper, no routine kept and ex rushes off again for another week or 2.
I feel so sorry for my son that his own father doesn't prioritise him

Sasa1

bananaRep12 wrote: »

From your various postings, it appears you are of the opinion you are not supposed to compromise.

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?

Fathers have rights too!

What I mean by 'compromise' is the safety of my son will be compromised. the student house my ex lives in with 4 lads i know nothing about and the new girlfriend i know nothing about. I feel i would be compromising on my sons safety as I know nothing about the people he would be staying in house with.

I am not saying I wouldnt compromise on my ex taking our son at all, I Want my son to have a relationship with his dad but I dont think it is safe to have a 2 year old stay in unsuitable acccomodation.

fathers have rights and i am well aware of that, but my ex repeatedly cancels on days he is supposed to see our son, he breaks the court order again and again and has no routine with our child.
he is only 2 and this is completely unfair on him.
I really dont think it is fair on my son that he is neglected. so fathers rights dont really play a part in this as ex isnt making effort to even see his sons on court order days!
he doesnt even buy basic necessities for our child when he takes him.
I hope i cleared up the 'compromise' part there.

thanks

Big Bag of Chips

Sasa1 wrote: »

...I would greatly appreciate advice on this......

Should I allow ex to take son overnight to strangers house, to pick and choose when he takes son despite court order stating the days.

Hiya Sasa1, at the risk of sounding rude.. did you really want advice?

You posted quite a long detailed post, and then more or less ignored anybody who suggested you should trust the dad to look after his son. Or came up with reasons why you think he should not have his son. Ok, you feel you have very good reasons to not allow him to take him, but why ask for advice if you're not going to at least consider it. You said you sent a solicitors letter 2 weeks ago, and will not let your ex take your son until he responds.

That's fair enough, but I'm just wondering what you expected to get from the thread? Some people will agree with you, some will disagree. But if you only want to hear from the ones who agree with you, then there isn't much point asking for advice.

clairefontaine

Sasa1 wrote: »

Yes you see I would hope he can see sense in that, it's all about our sons safety and well being. I am certain my ex is not thinking that way now. He makes and cancels plans on a regular basis with our son. Has broken court order repeatedly.
What I have decided to do for the time being is not contact him, let him reply to solicitor letter and let him contact me.

I do want to go back to court though. For the simple reason that my ex is very stubborn and has to get the last word. Talking to him doesn't work as he gets aggressive and intimidates me in that way.
I tried to set up mediation, 3 letters were sent to him by mediator about setting up an appointment but he didn't reply. This was in june, in fact he took a holiday to Spain for himself instead of sorting out what's best for our son.
So solicitor and court is the only way.

I don't think I am being unreasonable as he has only recently started seeing this woman, and I know nothing about her.
I do not think it is safe for my child physically to stay at her house, and emotionally I believe it is too soon for a 2 year old to have another woman in his life.

So my ex will not be taking our son until my solicitor receives a response from him. 2 weeks ago letter was sent.
Thank you

Another strategy would be to get her on board. She make have more sense than your ex.

Sasa1

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Hiya Sasa1, at the risk of sounding rude.. did you really want advice?

You posted quite a long detailed post, and then more or less ignored anybody who suggested you should trust the dad to look after his son. Or came up with reasons why you think he should not have his son. Ok, you feel you have very good reasons to not allow him to take him, but why ask for advice if you're not going to at least consider it. You said you sent a solicitors letter 2 weeks ago, and will not let your ex take your son until he responds.

That's fair enough, but I'm just wondering what you expected to get from the thread? Some people will agree with you, some will disagree. But if you only want to hear from the ones who agree with you, then there isn't much point asking for advice.

Ok, Have I missed something? This is my first time using Boards and obviously I am here to ask for advice.

I have responded to everyone (in agreement and disagreement) as I appreciate the advice and the time people have taken to read and respond.
obviously I am considering all advice given as I am engaging in a conversation about it with those who agree and those who disagree.

What is the etiquette on this?

To state that I have "more or less ignored anybody who suggested you should trust the dad to look after his son" is unfair and untrue.
I Am considering all advice on this, that is the whole point. I came here for advice!
Yes solicitor has sent letter 2 weeks ago and the reason I have said I wouldnt want ex taking our son until he responds to letter is becasue he has made no effort whatsoever to see our son since letter was sent. court order states that ex Has to take our child to paternal grandparents house and my ex is refusing to do so.

You may not agree with what I post, you may not agree with how I ask for advice but that is what I am here for.

There is no need to attack me for asking for advice and making it sound like I am here only to reassure myself of how I feel.
I am not here to offend anybody, that is not my intention at all. I apologise if I have offended anybody.

There is no need for you to offend me for asking for urgent advice as a mother, this is a serious matter and I only want to get a clearer head about it.

Big Bag of Chips

Sasa1, you misunderstood me, I apologise, it was not my intention to offend you. But if you read back over your replies, it is a very long list of why you feel justified in not allowing your son to go with his dad.

Like I said, that is fair enough. You have your reasons, and you are the one living with the situation, so you are the one best placed to make the decision. We, as people reacting to what you post, can only give you the "theory" of what we think.

What I mean by not listening to the advice is for anybody who said you need to trust him and allow him be a dad, you came back with a list of reasons why you should not.

You may be considering the advice offered, but it just comes across as being dismissive of those who haven't said "absolutely no way should you let him go".

You seem to be the sole carer of your child with very little help or input from your ex, so you are the one best placed to make the decision.

You will find in PI that great advice is offered, from both sides of an argument, you obviously don't have to follow all or even any of the advice offered, but try not to be too dismissive of advice from "the other side". Maybe that wasn't how you meant it to come across, and again I apologise. I didn't mean to offend you.

Edit: By the way, we do have a Parenting Forum here, if you prefer I can move your post to there and you might get more appropriate replies from other parents in similar situations.

Addle

clairefontaine wrote: »

Another strategy would be to get her on board. She make have more sense than your ex.

And she'll continue to be a stranger to your child until you allow them to meet.

samina

My personal opinion is that you want him to take responsibility for your child under your terms. How can he be a parent to him if you won't allow it. Yes I understand he has missed many visits. But how can he be a parent if you stand over and yay or nay everything he does. If you want him to have a relationship with his father you have to stand back and let him have one. But you cannot for the rest of the child's life approve who he is with when he is with his dad. There is no idication in any of your posts that you thought that there was any reason your child was going to come to any harm while under his care.
You say you don't know his girlfriend and don't know if he will be safe. That is not really your call it's his dad's if it's on his time. Don't get me wrong I understand your son is your number 1 priority but you demanding a say in everything he does with his dad is just going to ruin the likelihood of a relationship between them.
You also say that he doesn't take care of any of his day to day financial need, is the maintainace money he gives you not for maintaining him? The fact that you choose to save it and not spend it in nappies is again down to you.
I hope this is resolved quickly for your sons sake.

username123

+1 Samina

OP, you cannot control every aspect of your ex's life so that it meets your expectations of what your son should be exposed to. You would not accept it if your ex was demanding and examining every aspect of your life.

Unless you let your ex be a parent, he can't be.

You need to stop judging how your ex lives. He was good enough for you for 4 years and to make a baby with, but now suddenly he isn't to be trusted? That says more about you than it does about him.

It's your child who will suffer here, by not being allowed to develop a relationship with his father.

The Corinthian

Legally if the court order specifies where access or overnights may take place, then that's where they take place. If he's unhappy with that you can advise him to bring the matter to court where he can argue his case and get these conditions amended.

Beyond the letter of the law however...

Where it comes to overnights in a shared apartment full of young lads, I'd tend to agree it's not appropriate. I would say to him that it is not that he wants to do overnights elsewhere that's an issue but where he wants to do them and explain to him why you find it inappropriate and that if he's willing to find an appropriate alternative you're open to the idea.

As to the new girlfriend, I'm not sure I'd agree with you. Given he thinks a shared apartment full of young lads is ok, it might lead me to agree that he may not be the best person to judge, but simply because you don't know her is not sufficient reason to veto the idea straight away.

To do so sends him the message that it's your way or the highway - that he's simply a babysitter, not a parent, and that you'll never respect him as such. So even if you presently don't, the worst thing you can do is give him the impression (and not entirely unfounded) that you will never respect him as a parent, as this will simply engender to either push him away or become more belligerent; and, trust me, you don't want to go there.

You might sit down with him and discuss some sort of timetable and/or targets whereby you pass on more responsibility and authority where it comes to his child. After all, that's what he wants and it mightn't look like you'd ever intend to do so, no matter what he does, as things stand.

Maybe also, arrange to meet this new girlfriend and see where she lives. Suggest that before any overnights, that your child should get to know her first so that he feels more comfortable with her. And always be mindful that you're deciding on the basis of your child's interests and not subconsciously using them to justify the old green-eyed monster; it can creep up on anyone without our noticing.

Finally, while his lack of access to date is relevant, his maintenance is not. If you feel it's too low then ask for more and if he refuses go to court. But where it comes to access and overnights, the only reason to bring this in would be as part of a character assassination, when soliciting sympathy from others.