Getting over the ex

LegacyUser

Hey all.

Split with pretty long-term girlfriend this year and am finding it tough. Very tough recently after discovering she has a new fella.

We were very good together most of the time but had plenty of problems too. I often had doubts towards the second half of the relationship about if she was the right one or not. We had different interests and there is definitely somebody more suitable for me out there.

The breakup was hard of course but I was coping pretty well until months later I found out she had a new fella. That has seemed to bring it all back and I am again grieving our relationship. Finding it tougher this time around I think. Can't seem to get it out of my mind and it's getting me down quite a lot.

The sensible part of me wouldn't take her back so I'm confused as to why it's all so tough really. Despite knowing we were not the best match there is a great pain within me about it all.

I know naturally we are all driven towards having a partner. Maybe becoming single makes some instinctive drive comes into force to get the relationship back.
I'd appreciate if someone could expand on that or provide some reading material. I think if I could understand the psychological reasoning behind my feelings a bit better I could cope a bit better.


Any thoughts?

LegacyUser

Coping Difficulty wrote: »

Hey all.

Split with pretty long-term girlfriend this year and am finding it tough. Very tough recently after discovering she has a new fella.

We were very good together most of the time but had plenty of problems too. I often had doubts towards the second half of the relationship about if she was the right one or not. We had different interests and there is definitely somebody more suitable for me out there.

The breakup was hard of course but I was coping pretty well until months later I found out she had a new fella. That has seemed to bring it all back and I am again grieving our relationship. Finding it tougher this time around I think. Can't seem to get it out of my mind and it's getting me down quite a lot.

The sensible part of me wouldn't take her back so I'm confused as to why it's all so tough really. Despite knowing we were not the best match there is a great pain within me about it all.

I know naturally we are all driven towards having a partner. Maybe becoming single makes some instinctive drive comes into force to get the relationship back.
I'd appreciate if someone could expand on that or provide some reading material. I think if I could understand the psychological reasoning behind my feelings a bit better I could cope a bit better.


Any thoughts?

From my experience it's only natural to question the split for some time after. Especially when the other person starts seeing someone new, it invokes particularly strong feelings of doubt over the split. Even years after break-ups I've found myself missing the other person and questioning whether it should've ended or not. But at the end of the day it did, for whatever reason. I find (with my current single status) that all I can do is trust that the right person is out there and that any exes are exes for a reason.

You haven't said who initiated the split-that and the way in which it played out(whether it was amicable or not) also come into play, aswell as whether you are still in contact or not. All of these aspects affect the time it may take to move on. In my experience the longer it took to move on only highlighted how connected I had been to that particular person. Hope this is of some help OP.

Sleepless and Manic

Sorry. Few things in life are worse really. It can feel the same as a death. Horrible. I always take it much too hard.

Last time I felt like I couldnt breathe for about a week, it was like a long panic attack. Nightmare time. Thinking about her constantly, feeling like it was all a mistake or a dream... feeling she as near and then realizing she's gone and being gutted again.

A friend was explaining to me the nature of The Panic one feels, its a kind of fear, generated by the very primitive lizard part of our brains. Its a very basic emotional response too. Tell yourself "no fear" a few times and it'll help, simple as that sounds.

It does get better. Slowly. Going out and being with people helps a lot.

Sorry I'm not more help.

wirelessdude01

I think it is sometimes the fear that you won't find someone else. Not saying that they could have been/were the one but it is the fear that the time and emotional energy that was invested could have yielded something if only you had done something different.
The fact that her being with someone else has knocked you would make me think you haven't been with anyone else since. I not get out and get it over it. You possibly might have her on a pedestal.