Got the 'Lets just be friends' speech:any advice?

LegacyUser

Hey! I am in my mid/late 30's. I am in a good job, nice house, good friends etc..I have battled anxiety and ocd all my life. From the outside, many wouldnt know, but it is one hell of a battle; it has meant that I have struggled to really fall for a girl or have a serious girlfriend..at times I get quite lonely and would like the closeness this would bring..

Long story short: met a girl travelling 2 years ago; i missed her big-time when I got home:met her and our friends in the Uk once (she lives in the UK & is 26) and have been in contact via text and facebook for 2 years. Find her really attrcative; looks, even her voice does it for me!! She decides to visit me in Dublin. She knew about a year before that I fancied her! I get really nervous, but show her a fab time. She shows no affection all day...we sleep in the same bed; no affection and she says..'we can have sex if u want?' i messed around but didnt have sex; felt it was really weird after her signals all weekend..
Next day lots of walks and chats but no hugs/kisses or anything. She flew home and i was an emotional wreck; have been all week. Last night she said that she likes me as a friend and would like to keep in touch: i was really sad and said it might be hard for me to just be friends,,,

I just feel sad, down, regret not sleeping with her...unsettled; never been so bad after a lets just be friends speech..
I am new to this...
Any advice on how to deal with this?

Thanks for reading..

A

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I am approving your thread but have locked the thread you started last week about this girl.

Brego888

There's no magic answer to rejection or heartbreak.
Tell her you cant keep in contact at the minute.
And then just give yourself time.
Try not hide away in your misery, keep active.

ruaille buaille

Its a tough thing to hear but we've all been there. The best thing to do is to cut any contact and move on. Easier said than done but it really is the only way.
To be honest you didnt sound that keen on her to begin with. Sounds like it was mostly just a physical attraction? My guess would be that your lonliness is causing u to place to much importance on her. Try to get out more, join groups, sports clubs etc and you will meet new people. Meetup .com is a great way to make new friends. I know its difficult to do new things when u have anxiety but give a try, u have nothing to lose.

discus

You turned her down when she offered sex, yet you are surprised she decides that she wants to be friends?

LegacyUser

Hi! Thanks for the replies..
Maybe I built this up in my mind the last 2 years: but I just sorta fell for this girl; whenever she contacted me; i would be so excited...
We might go a while without contact and then she would say.'i saw this and thought about you...'
It was her decision to come over to Dublin & she knew in advance that I fancied her...
All weekend, I put so much effort into showing her a good time: have never done this much for a girl!
No hugs, no kisses, no affection or hints of affection from her..
Then I ask can we share a bed..
I was not looking for sex per se: just to cuddle/kiss and hold her really & take it from there..
Then this is what really cuts me up...she very matter of factly says 'we can have sex, if u want and it wont affect whether ir not we have a relationship or not..'
I was so stunned, because; there was absolutely zero hint of this..
She undressed really quickly and we kissed and had a lot of fun,,,but I just didnt have full sex with her: i just felt this is like a 1 night stand with a girl I have really strong feelings for & it didnt seem right: no build-up and quite cold..
Saying that in bed she seemed quite responsive,,,

A was talking to a mate of mine and he said you should have had sex: and this hurts to think about: spend a lot of time walking yesterday , as I couldn't sit still...

As I said, I have never felt this cut up before over a girl...


A

LegacyUser

Discus, she showed no love/affection/ all weekend..was in bed with her back turned to me and said 'we can have sex if u want?'
We had a good time in bed but just not full sex; ie; we both got naked and lots of kissing etc for quite a while,,, i just felt she wasnt emotionally engaged at all: if i met her after a rake of pints on a night out and we both just went for it; fair enough..but with this girl I had been in touch for over 2 years and had strong feelings for her; she was a lot more than a 1 night stand for me....

Big Bag of Chips

OP, when I read your last thread about no affection from her during the weekend, I thought you might be getting your hopes up for any sort of relationship with her. And when she said you could have sex if you want and it wouldn't affect whether you had a relationship or not, I think she was trying to let you know that it was a "no strings attached" thing. She wasn't going to start a relationship with you either way

It wouldn't have mattered if you did have sex with her. You would have still gotten the same email from her. The only thing that would have been different is you would have had sex. Unfortunately she just wasn't as in to you, as you are her.

LegacyUser

Bag o' Chips...thanks for getting back to me..
A mate of mine was saying..'i cant believe you didnt go for it when it was offered up?' ..This has upset me a bit, as I find her really attractive & probably wont get a chance to sleep with her again...
I did build this girl up..even before she visited, I literally scrubbed the house, cleaned my car, did the garden...i couldnt sleep well the week leading up to her arriving...

I am a bit needy and lonely at the moment...all my life I battle my anxiety and ocd with a combo of cbt, eds, exercise, meditation; whatever it takes.
I suppose I miss the affection and love of a partner and built this girl up to that..
Also, I think there was something about her that just ticked lots of boxes for me...

I am just back from a long, hard run; figure that exercise will help get rid of all the emotional and energy,,,,.



oh yea,...she text me saying that she really like me as a friend and would really like to stay in touch, as we get on so well & it'd be a shame to let that go; she love telling me about her life/work etc... So, should I keep in touch?

Thanks a mil...

A

LegacyUser

She sounds immature. I can't believe that she didn't know deep down that she didn't want a relationship with you. To offer to sleep with you is just confusing. Having put a few men in the friend zone who thought they were in there (I assumed they knew they were in the friend zone before hitting on me) it can be difficult to let anyone down as egos are always hurt. Take time, if it's too painful to stay friends then don't I think she misjudged the situation massively and perhaps she doesn't deserve your time. She wasn't the one, keep busy, go out with your mates, move on.

araic88

She didn't kiss/hug you all weekend but did you try to kiss her?
2 years is a lot of time to invest feelings in someone. I agree with the poster who said to cut contact and move on.
Have you had helping dealing with your anxiety? That could be really worth while

LegacyUser

Hi... I have just had a long chat with my Mum, sister and brother..they were so nice and supportive..
I battle anxiety every day of my life..plus ocd thoughts; so I go to a cbt therapist, take ssri meds, practice minfulness mediation; i do whatever it takes..
But the anxiety is always gona be a part of me..
I was just overwhelmed by the emotion generated by what happened with this girl...think i am not used to dealing with emotion outside of my normal generised anxiety; i have never fallen madly in love,..
So this has bee tough..
My bro just advised to delete number and facebook and move on; he said if i dont I will continue to pine after her and waste energy when nothing is going to come of it; sadly i agree with him...

LegacyUser

Hi there,

As a guy I know what you are going through but trust me you will get over this girl and in a few months you will look back and say to yourself yes she was nice etc. but she wasn't really all that.


She was younger than you so even if you got together it probably wouldn't last. I think it’s great you can discuss girl problems with your family especially with your sister who can give you a different perspective.

We are programmed to think that one girl/guy are the one, that is not the case, in my experience I went through something similar to you, a month later I went on a date with a wonderful girl and while it didn't go anywhere it proved that there are hundreds of fantastic single girls out there hoping to meet someone.

My advice stay healthy, go easy on yourself, exercise everyday and go on some dates, chalk it down to experience and get save your energy for someone who WANTS to be with you not someone who don't.

LegacyUser

Hey! Thanks a mil for your replies... I have a very stressful job & have been finding it really tough the last week or so...
She text me thos morning to say that she came over to Dublin because she wanted to see me & as she wanted to see if there was anything there: she said in the end, for her, there wasnt( i presume a spark etc)

She said she cares about me a lot & would like to stay friends..
I said that it'd be very tough as i'd always see her as a potential girlfriend/love interest...

I managed to get through work but feel deflated & sad..this sorta makes me think what is it about me she doesnt fancy?
Will any girl as good looking as her fall for me? (Old self-esteem:taking a hit)

Thank you for the support...

iusedtoknow

At least she was honest with you - you need to try and let it go.

You can't make her like you, you need to keep being yourself and you will eventually find someone that you click with and clicks with you.

LegacyUser

Evening... I deleted the girls number, facebook messages & defriended her on facebook: found this really sad..
Had a good chat with my older sister tonight; my family have been amazing...
I had a bit of a cry... This relationship issue has brought all my anxiety & ocd over the edge: so i'm gona call see my doc tomorrow & deal with it...

Thank u..