worried about my husband

levi12

Okay so we are separated now a few months because he was having an affair.

But now things have become complicated, he is a broken man. He had his freedom handed to him but he is living with his parents and he is just not coping. He has been diagnosed with depression and is in a very dark place. It seems he is struggling with life, work, what he has done to me, our children, our marriage. It's everything and nothing that he can pin point as the trigger.

He is being cared for very well by his doctor and counsellor and is on medication as of recently. But it's the shame of depression (he can't even say the word its such a hushed condition) that's causing all his pain. He can't or won't tell anyone what he is going through so everybody is judging him for breaking up our marriage as far as he is concerned.

My problem is that I'm hurt, of course I am, but more than that I am trying to be the best friend i can be to him right now. . . . . Because he has nobody else. I obviously love him despite everything and getting him back on track as my friend, father of my children is overriding my hurt and anger right now.

But what works. Does meditation work, does group therapy, acupuncture, reiki.

Any advice or suggestions please.

dixiefly

And what about the woman he was having the affair with? Is she not offering any comfort to him?

LegacyUser

OP, hold on. Take a step back and look at the situation more dispassionately.

Look at what you've written:
"I am trying to be the best friend i can be to him right now. . . . . Because he has nobody else."

And then you wrote:
"He is being cared for very well by his doctor and counsellor".

You want to know what works - doctors and counsellors know what works, not us.

Stand back from the situation, stay on the edges not in the centre. He broke your marriage and is dealing with the result. You can't fix him! By concentrating all your efforts on him you may even be slowing down his recovery. He needs his own space and time to find himself in all this - with professional help.

When he has got himself together then he and you can look at what is left, if anything, to recover.

levi12

dixiefly wrote: »

And what about the woman he was having the affair with? Is she not offering any comfort to him?

Course not. She was married too and it obviously suited her that he was. . . . As soon as he was free and available . . . . . She disappeared. I did try to warn him but he wouldn't listen. I'm glad she is gone. There were children involved on both sides it would devastate too many people. I've actually told him find a single free girl if it helps

But I'm so worried right now it wouldn't even bother me at this stage if he had someone in his life. . . . . If he wasn't so very much in despair.

Gatling

Op I've come across this recently ,

Being honest I think he's feeling sorry for himself and been a victim when in fact he made choices based off what ever reason he choose to have an affair behind your back he cheated on you and your family ,
Now he could be depressed but I'll leave that to a doctor /mental health worker to diagnose ,

Men when we make these stupid decisions regardless of the consequences ,for what ever reason play the poor me I'm in despair card ,
You can be his friend but you could be possibly making it worse to a degree the fact he lost you and yet your still close

levi12

Gatling wrote: »

Op I've come across this recently ,

Being honest I think he's feeling sorry for himself and been a victim when in fact he made choices based off what ever reason he choose to have an affair behind your back he cheated on you and your family ,
Now he could be depressed but I'll leave that to a doctor /mental health worker to diagnose ,

Men when we make these stupid decisions regardless of the consequences ,for what ever reason play the poor me I'm in despair card ,
You can be his friend but you could be possibly making it worse to a degree the fact he lost you and yet your still close

Don't worry I'm not available to him all the time just from time to time we chat, .. ..We have to we have children and it's hard not to worry because of them. But I'm living my life. My own life. This is imagine isn't helping him either. I haven't taken to the bed and forgotten to wear makeup or brush my hair. I'm surviving without him. And he knows it too

Gatling

levi12 wrote: »

Don't worry I'm not available to him all the time just from time to time we chat, .. ..We have to we have children and it's hard not to worry because of them. But I'm living my life. My own life. This is imagine isn't helping him either. I haven't taken to the bed and forgotten to wear makeup or brush my hair. I'm surviving without him. And he knows it too

Fair play to you I know its not easy when one half of a couple cheats ,
I also know men and depression can also be tricky to deal with I was going to suggest he talks to a councillor but he's already looked after by his gp though it could be worth hinting at ,
He could well be grieving over the end of your relationship/marraige ,

Pawwed Rig

Just be there for him and ensure that he knows that he is still part of a family with kids that love him. Do not restrict access to the kids as that can be very hard on a parents mental wellbeing.
Depression is an illness like any other and the fact that it has been diagnosed means he is not just feeling sorry for himself as another poster claimed. He is going the right way about recovering with the treatment he is getting.
It would be easy for you to wash your hands of the whole situation and I admire that you are still willing to help. That will mean a lot regardless of how your future relationship turns out.

Gatling

I also said he could be grieving the loss of marriage /relationship,

There will be an element of self pity it comes with the territory anybody that has cheated and got caught will admit it

Pawwed Rig

The man has been diagnosed with depression by a professional so I think it is better to rely on expert knowledge rather than your 'poor me I am in despair' assessment which is deeply insulting to anyone who has had their lives touched by depression. The Op and the doctors are in the best position to determine this and nothing that has been posted makes me think it is anything other than depression. Trivialising the issue does not help the Op, her husband or their children.

AlanS181824

I can't quite contribute with any advice but I just want to wish both of you the best of luck in getting everything back on track

Gatling

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The man has been diagnosed with depression by a professional so I think it is better to rely on expert knowledge rather than your 'poor me I am in despair' assessment which is deeply insulting to anyone who has had their lives touched by depression. The Op and the doctors are in the best position to determine this and nothing that has been posted makes me think it is anything other than depression. Trivialising the issue does not help the Op, her husband or their children.

Unless you have cheated on somebody and got caught loss both your original partner and bit on the side I can promise you self pity comes with the depression and I speak from experience ,
This is a forum where advice was sought and given or have i missed a road sign,

* Apologies Op the last posts obviously have nothing to do with or help you situation*

Obliq

levi12 wrote: »

Don't worry I'm not available to him all the time just from time to time we chat, .. ..We have to we have children and it's hard not to worry because of them. But I'm living my life. My own life. This is imagine isn't helping him either. I haven't taken to the bed and forgotten to wear makeup or brush my hair. I'm surviving without him. And he knows it too

Yes, living your own life is really rubbing his nose in it eh?! Lol, I know that one only too well. Glad to hear you're doing well and have the courage to be as strong as you are for your children - your stability is their rock, and I know what a worry it is that their father isn't doing so well - I've been there. When I left my (frankly dreadful, emotionally abusive) marriage, my ex threatened me with suicide 3 months later and called me though the night telling me how he was going to do it. I called the gardai and the doctor and in the morning he "volunteered" to sign into a psychiatric unit for care. Depression had been a dirty word in our house for years and this was a huge smack down for him that he needed help. But need it he did, and although I tried to be as normal as possible with him while visiting with the kids, it was quite a strain not to fall into listening to all his difficulties with our break up and how bereft he was of happiness, etc.

There was a long, long road of recovery for him, with many recriminations (all my fault - bad mother for breaking up the family, not willing to give another chance, he's changed, his life is over....all that). This is not the same as your situation, as there was a clear mitigating factor with your husband's affair, but with my ex, OWNING what he had put us all through with moods/put downs/shouting and violence was massive. Your ex seems to be going through it now, but as a previous poster said, being there for him may be holding him back somewhat. I know my ex held a hope that we'd come back together for years, and I had to be businesslike and firm when arranging access with the kids. Although yes to polite and nice, don't be too kind (if you know what I mean) is my advice.

It's terribly hard to live with the fear that he might go overboard and despair to an extent that he does something tragic, but he has doctors and support, and you really shouldn't be part of that support right now IMO. Actual friendship may be a long way off for real, but friendliness (jollying through the handover of kids as if Daddy wasn't feeling like cr*p, for example) will tide you through, and just stick to talking about the kids if you can.

I wish you the best of luck, stay cool....

levi12

Thanks to you all for the advice. There are no wrong answers, yes he is depressed and yes he is definitely feeling sorry for himself because he has indeed lost all the women in his life through his own selfish actions.

I know I'm not meant to stay close to him but he is so genuinely in despair right now. I know this man so well so long and I'm not seeing him in him these days.

I owe it to myself to be good, kind, friendly like you said in a casual fashion when he calls, but no there will be no blurring of the lines here. Too much has happened and I genuinely don't either of us would benefit from that kind of confusion.

I'm desperately trying to distance myself and stay out of his life. It's difficult but this is a one man journey right now, of his choosing and I'm his friend when he needs someone I can't deny him that if he really needs me. But right now sitting here typing i have to admit I'm not sure that I have come to far to go back. . . . . I might have.

But thanks for the advice. I can't ask family or friends because for my children and my own self preservation I have not told anybody of the affair. . . . .What would be the point. Drive him over the edge, me being pitied. . . No way, and my beautiful babies deserve more than that in life, which I will give them. Xx

Obliq

levi12 wrote: »

I'm desperately trying to distance myself and stay out of his life. It's difficult but this is a one man journey right now, of his choosing and I'm his friend when he needs someone I can't deny him that if he really needs me. But right now sitting here typing i have to admit I'm not sure that I have come to far to go back. . . . . I might have.

But thanks for the advice. I can't ask family or friends because for my children and my own self preservation I have not told anybody of the affair. . . . .What would be the point. Drive him over the edge, me being pitied. . . No way, and my beautiful babies deserve more than that in life, which I will give them. Xx

Hi Levi. Perhaps you could get some professional advice on this yourself? Can you speak privately to his doctor? I mean, this is you stuck between a rock and a hard place. "I'm deserately trying to distance myself" and "I can't deny him that if he really needs me". There was a time when I had to say to my ex that "I'm not the appropriate person to talk to about yourself anymore", and honestly, saying that makes you feel like such a bad, hard b*tch, but it was the only thing that made him realise I wasn't with him anymore.

Also, what would be the point of talking to your friends (if not your family)? Well, to get some support and insight, but if you don't think that would be helpful, for goodness sake get some professional advice. From where I stand, you're about to spend the rest of your life covering for him about this affair. When your kids get old enough to ask you why you separated, are you going to take the blame ("I just didn't love him any more")? Is he going to pin it on you ("Yes, I was very sad because Mammy left me")? You need to talk through what's best for YOU too, with someone you can tell everything to who is in a position to offer stratagies.

All the best hon xx

Timmythedonkey

I can relate to and understand your situation as I was in a very similer situation. Myself and my husband seperated and he went into depression. I was there for him, took him to the Doctor's when he was feeling very low and took him to the mental hospital and let him stay for the weekend!

That was 2 - 3 year's ago. Personally, I now feel like it was an attention & controlling thing on his part (I know depression is a terrible thing and I do beleive he was suffuring with it) BUT he used the situation to minipulate me!

He has now moved on and is living with his girlfriend - a few weeks ago we had a row about something and I said what about all the support I gave him when he was feeling bad and he laughed at me!!!!!

If I had my time over again I wouldn't have got involved and left him to it.