father of my baby bringing me to court.

g.kingz

Dunno if this is in the right place.

Long story short, i was with a foreign national less than a month when i got pregnant. i tried to make it work with him but due to personal circumstances and him being emotionally manipulative, i ended it with him. i kept in contact with him because i thought it was the best for the baby, but it just got out of hand, he would keep asking me to marry him but i always refused. towards the end of the pregnancy, i brought him to a social worker meeting in the hospital to discuss things with a mediator between us. He said he would do anything to make me happy because he "loved" me. He said he wanted what was best for me. But two weeks later, he started asking me to marry him again and to live with him. The best option for me was to ignore his texts because it was stressing me out - not good when i was eight months pregnant. He agreed in the social worker meeting to wait for me to let him know when i was ready to see him and let him see the baby.

So when the baby was born, he was told and that was fine. A few weeks later he asked to see her, i said i wasn't ready but that i'd text him the following week. He said "ok". He text me again before i text him, again i said i wasn't ready and id let him. then he started asking to see me. i am nervous about meeting him because of our history so i try to get him to tell me what he wants in text. he pushed for two days for me to meet him until, after guessing where it was going, i told him i wasn't going to be signing anything for him, he finally told me what he wanted - he had got his student visa renewed for a year but he could be transferred over to a stamp 4 because he had an irish child. but that if i wasn't going to sign something for him that i could give him the birth cert and passport of the baby so he could get his application started. i didnt reply after that because to me it proved my suspicions that that was what he was always after.

i got a court summons today from him applying for guardianship and access. I really don't want it to go to court, so i'm thinking of contacting him and asking to meet him so we can try organise it ourselves. Would this be a good idea? i just want it sorted now. I'm afraid i'm going to lose my daughter, or that he'll get access to take her on his own. I'm scared of him tbh n i'm just a bit lost. I don't know if you're allowed to give lawyer names on this, but does anyone know anyone who deals with access court dealing with non nationals? If you're not allowed to ask that sort of this, mods can you keep this open just so i can get advise?

Thanks in advance. (i know it wasn't really long story short!)

ElleEm

g.kingz wrote: »

Dunno if this is in the right place.

Long story short, i was with a foreign national less than a month when i got pregnant. i tried to make it work with him but due to personal circumstances and him being emotionally manipulative, i ended it with him. i kept in contact with him because i thought it was the best for the baby, but it just got out of hand, he would keep asking me to marry him but i always refused. towards the end of the pregnancy, i brought him to a social worker meeting in the hospital to discuss things with a mediator between us. He said he would do anything to make me happy because he "loved" me. He said he wanted what was best for me. But two weeks later, he started asking me to marry him again and to live with him. The best option for me was to ignore his texts because it was stressing me out - not good when i was eight months pregnant. He agreed in the social worker meeting to wait for me to let him know when i was ready to see him and let him see the baby.

So when the baby was born, he was told and that was fine. A few weeks later he asked to see her, i said i wasn't ready but that i'd text him the following week. He said "ok". He text me again before i text him, again i said i wasn't ready and id let him. then he started asking to see me. i am nervous about meeting him because of our history so i try to get him to tell me what he wants in text. he pushed for two days for me to meet him until, after guessing where it was going, i told him i wasn't going to be signing anything for him, he finally told me what he wanted - he had got his student visa renewed for a year but he could be transferred over to a stamp 4 because he had an irish child. but that if i wasn't going to sign something for him that i could give him the birth cert and passport of the baby so he could get his application started. i didnt reply after that because to me it proved my suspicions that that was what he was always after.

i got a court summons today from him applying for guardianship and access. I really don't want it to go to court, so i'm thinking of contacting him and asking to meet him so we can try organise it ourselves. Would this be a good idea? i just want it sorted now. I'm afraid i'm going to lose my daughter, or that he'll get access to take her on his own. I'm scared of him tbh n i'm just a bit lost. I don't know if you're allowed to give lawyer names on this, but does anyone know anyone who deals with access court dealing with non nationals? If you're not allowed to ask that sort of this, mods can you keep this open just so i can get advise?

Thanks in advance. (i know it wasn't really long story short!)

He has a right to gaurdianship and access to his own daughter, your relationship with him should not stand in the way of allowing this to develop, unless you think he may hurt your child. If this is the case, you need to chat with a social worker.

I find it strange that you refer to your suspicions that he was "getting what he wanted" in having a child with you. He didn't make the baby on his own.

g.kingz

ElleEm wrote: »

He has a right to gaurdianship and access to his own daughter, your relationship with him should not stand in the way of allowing this to develop, unless you think he may hurt your child. If this is the case, you need to chat with a social worker.

I find it strange that you refer to your suspicions that he was "getting what he wanted" in having a child with you. He didn't make the baby on his own.

I wasnt stopping him from seeing her. He agreed to wait until i was ready. I told him i wasn't and he was ok with that. I know he didn't make it on his own. We used protection, it broke, i took the morning after pill. When that didn't work, i wasn't going to have an abortion. I was suspicious in that i thought he was doing it only to secure a visa, and that him saying he wanted the birth cert/passport because i wasn't going to sign it, raised that suspicion more.

Howard Juneau

Do not contact him at all. You won't do yourself any good. Engage a solicitor asap & be guided by their advice

username123

Hmmm... you have created quite a mess here.

I dont understand why you were refusing to let this man see his child. Even if you didnt want to see him, it was very unfair to deny him that. How would you feel if you were not allowed to see her? You could have organised for him to see her without you being there, having a friend or relative be present instead.

Its very unfair to suggest that this is what he was always after. You chose to have a relationship with him, you chose to make a baby with him, you chose to continue the pregnancy, you chose to have the child. Did he force any of these choices on you? Why wouldnt he take advantage of the fact that you did have the baby? Im sure you are going to take advantage of child allowance and one parent family payment or tax credit?

I would not advise you to contact him directly - because it seems like you are not able to make objective decisions and you claim to be afraid of him also. Go to a solicitor. Get proper advice.

g.kingz

username123 wrote: »

you chose to make a baby with him, you chose to continue the pregnancy, you chose to have the child

I did not chose to have a baby with him.

fungun

i try to get him to tell me what he wants in text. he pushed for two days for me to meet him until, after guessing where it was going, i told him i wasn't going to be signing anything for him, he finally told me what he wanted - he had got his student visa renewed for a year but he could be transferred over to a stamp 4 because he had an irish child. but that if i wasn't going to sign something for him that i could give him the birth cert and passport of the baby so he could get his application started. i didnt reply after that because to me it proved my suspicions that that was what he was always after.

sorry but this bit is just not that clear to me, what was he initially trying to get you to sign???

Even if you felt that this was what he was after, if he is now entitled to a stamp 4 (dunno what this is!) because he has an Irish child, then I dont see how you can stop it. Surely for any benefit etc what he needs is the birth cert of the child. Why dont you get a passport, keep it yourself and give him a birth cert he can use to get what he needs.

Sorry if this is wrong, this is based on me guessing the problem....not fully clear to me

ElleEm

g.kingz wrote: »

I did not chose to have a baby with him.

Well you did, because you now have a baby.

Regardless of all these 'suspicions' you have/ had about him, the fact of the matter is that he is entitled to a different type of Visa because of your daughter.

Don't be scared about court, family courts are different to regular court, and your daughter won't be "taken off" you.

DamagedTrax

go to court. family court is informal and no judge will give him unsupervised access at this early stage. the most he'll get is 2/3 supervised hours twice a week. until the baby is closer to 6 months.
he also has every right to guardianship and a new visa. thems the punches, you just have to roll with them now.

LegacyUser

Sorry, OP, but the chances of the condom breaking AND the morning after pill not working... are pretty slim. Just saying it.

I agree it takes two to make a baby. If the protection broke and you took the morning after pill *within the right time frame*... ok, let's just say that's some really bad luck... but to jump to conclusions that "he just wanted a visa?" ?? Seriously? He lured you into having sex with him and hoped for all (pretty secure) contraception methods to fail just so he would get a visa??

I don't know, I'm sorry I can't be more supportive here, but it doesn't sound like he did anything wrong. You guys had consensual sex, condom broke, you took the pill and against 99.9999% statistical chances you ended up pregnant and he offered to marry you and he wants to see the kid.

What is the problem, exactly?

Best of luck.

g.kingz

fungun wrote: »

sorry but this bit is just not that clear to me, what was he initially trying to get you to sign???

Even if you felt that this was what he was after, if he is now entitled to a stamp 4 (dunno what this is!) because he has an Irish child, then I dont see how you can stop it. Surely for any benefit etc what he needs is the birthdays cert of the child. Why dont you get a passport, keep it yourself and give him a birth cert he can use to get what he needs.

Sorry if this is wrong, this is based on me guessing the problem....not fully clear to me

He was trying to get me to sign off on his stamp 4, a stamp on his passport that gives him permanent residency. He needs to prove paternity n that he's paying maintenance (ehich he's not) as well to get this stamp for.

I know I could have let him see her with someone else but I am protective of my daughter, from the contact we do have he is a very pushy manipulative man, n I just wanted to protect her. I was going to let him see her but then he start pushing for me to meet me so I could sign off on his visa.

Howard Juneau

DamagedTrax wrote: »

go to court. family court is informal and no judge will give him unsupervised access at this early stage. the most he'll get is 2/3 supervised hours twice a week. until the baby is closer to 6 months.
he also has every right to guardianship and a new visa. thems the punches, you just have to roll with them now.

He may not have guardianship rights if she has been threatened or fears for her safety.
Who knows what the situation entails, but she has to get representation immediately

ElleEm

g.kingz wrote: »

He was trying to get me to sign off on his stamp 4, a stamp on his passport that gives him permanent residency. He needs to prove paternity n that he's paying maintenance (ehich he's not) as well to get this stamp for.

I know I could have let him see her with someone else but I am protective of my daughter, from the contact we do have he is a very pushy manipulative man, n I just wanted to protect her. I was going to let him see her but then he start pushing for me to meet me so I could sign off on his visa.

Again, you are using your own feelings against his right to see his kid. None of this holds any bearing on the fact that he is your little girl's dad.
Contact your local family centre or social work department to chat with them about access. Some places have areas that are used for access (neutral ground) and some even provide the supervision (support workers or social workers).

Standman

You should also bear in mind what is best for your child. You may not want anything to do with the father but your child has a right to her father as long as he is not dangerous.

username123

I dont understand why you would try to block the stamp 4?
How would you feel if he tried to block your childrens allowance?

You are claiming he is pushy and manipulative - do you not think that perhaps you throwing every roadblock possible in his way has made him behave like this?

uck51js9zml2yt

if maintenance is a condition of the stamp and hes not paying it then he's not entitled to it. keep the texts as proof of his contact with you.
and don't give him the child birth cert and passport. he can then travel with the child without your consent.

is his name on the birth cert.

and above all get a solicitor.

g.kingz

username123 wrote: »

I dont understand why you would try to block the stamp 4?
How would you feel if he tried to block your childrens allowance?

You are claiming he is pushy and manipulative - do you not think that perhaps you throwing every roadblock possible in his way has made him behave like this?

If he tried to block my children's allowance, I wouldn't care. I didn't have a baby to get money from the state. You may not believe me but it's true.

N he pushed and pushed for me to tske him back before the baby was born, wouldn't take no for an answer, would touch me even when I told him to get off me, would laugh at me if I pushed him off, eould call me fat. It's not that he's pushy to see her, he was pushy before that n that is why I have a grievance towards him.

Gatling

Op seek legal advice first and foremost ,

Now some won't like this but op your been used by a non national to guarantee either right to stay in this country or similar excuse ,
Theres numbers of threads on boards over the years with the exact same problem ,he's the right to this and right to that ,
Well actually he doesn't ,
Now depending where he is from or religious back round this guy could well be dangerous and a danger to your child ,plenty of kids have been taken from this country by fathers from different states even if they didn't have a birth cert or passport for the child /children thats a fact ,

I'm my opinion I'd sever all ties no calls texts emails or Facebook , speak to your friends and family too explaining how you feel
If needs change address ,
If you feel threatened or harrassed report it to the Gardai ,
The above is what I'd tell my two daughter's or sister ,
Legal advice asap

Ann84

I don't like my ex, he was and still is pushy and manipulative and treated me terribly and I cant understand how anyone likes him!!.
He is a great dad and my daughter adores him, I can't imagine her life if he wasn't in it.

I still think he's awful, and really hated sending her over to his house when she was small, but if I hadn't, she would be missing a huge relationship and I would regret not letting their bond form.

Like him or not, she will. Why would you not support him staying in the country?!?! He's her Dad and she won't ever see him the way you do! (hopefully) Your personal opinions aside, unless you actually fear for her safety/ welbeing, then I don't believe your protecting your daughter by damaging their chance to build a relationship.
I have had to bite my tongue so many times over the tears (and many more to come!!) but my daughter is so happy to have both her parents in her life.
He'll learn to change nappies, and make bottles if you give him a chance and in the long term, it's right for your daughter.
Welcome to parenting, particularly shared parenting!

Hope this is relevant, I do remember how difficult it is when you really don't like him, but when she's older she will form her own opinions!

Ps - We were in court 3 times, over guardianship, custody and maintenance. Not all were confrontational, some just to formally tie down situations. In my experience, courts do not 'side with the mother's but very much consider the best interests of the child. I didn't appreciate that attitude at the time but do now.

Yeah, OP, if you just let him see his daughter when he wanted to and didn't try to drive a wedge between them, then you wouldn't have had a court summons like you have now. Most people would act the way he is now if they were being forced from what is essentially their right.

Gatling

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Yeah, OP, if you just let him see his daughter when he wanted to and didn't try to drive a wedge between them, then you wouldn't have had a court summons like you have now. Most people would act the way he is now if they were being forced from what is essentially their right.

Sorry that's wrong ,he's pushing a relationship /love /marriage on the op ,
He's forcing the issue of guardianship for one reason ,

Gatling

Gatling wrote: »

Sorry that's wrong ,he's pushing a relationship /love /marriage on the op ,
He's forcing the issue of guardianship for one reason ,

Could it not be a cultural thing? Getting someone pregnant more or less means having to marry them. I'm not sure, but he does have a right to see his child.

Gatling

Op have you posted before about problems with him before you had the baby ??

You state you didn't want a baby with him did he / you use protection ?

g.kingz

I thought I made myself clear that I did fear for her safety. Does it not matter that he touched me inappropriately? Would a mother not be scared he'd do the same thing to his daughter? I never tried to drive a wedge between them. We talked this out in front of a social worker, we said we would sort out access when I was ready. He agreed. N after having a baby, it's an emotional time. The social worker advised me to wait until I was ready. I was trying to do what I thought was right for my cyhild. Yes I know it's too late now, I'll be going to court but I never set out to keep her from him. I was only doing whst I thought was right.

We used protection, it broke, I took the morning after pill, it didn't work. No, this is my first time posting.

The Pheasant2

Gatling wrote: »

Sorry that's wrong ,he's pushing a relationship /love /marriage on the op ,
He's forcing the issue of guardianship for one reason ,

The child is just as much his as it is OP's and he should be taking action over guardianship because OP won't cooperate with him and allow him to see his own child just because of her own misgivings.

g.kingz

g.kingz wrote: »

I thought I made myself clear that I did fear for her safety. Does it not matter that he touched me inappropriately? Would a mother not be scared he'd do the same thing to his daughter? I never tried to drive a wedge between them. We talked this out in front of a social worker, we said we would sort out access when I was ready. He agreed. N after having a baby, it's an emotional time. The social worker advised me to wait until I was ready. I was trying to do what I thought was right for my cyhild. Yes I know it's too late now, I'll be going to court but I never set out to keep her from him. I was only doing whst I thought was right.

We used protection, it broke, I took the morning after pill, it didn't work. No, this is my first time posting.

OP, listen I understand that it is a stressful time, but we can only give advice based on what you have told us and this is the first time you mentioned being touched inappropriately. We can only act on the information that you give us, nothing more.

You mentioned that he only did it for one reason - you also said that he might have planned it that way, yet you said you used protection, which broke, and you took the morning after pill, which didn't work. There's no way that he could have set any of this up.

Howard Juneau

The Pheasant2 wrote: »

The child is just as much his as it is OP's and he should be taking action over guardianship because OP won't cooperate with him and allow him to see his own child just because of her own misgivings.

And the misgivings arent well placed?

Gatling

g.kingz wrote: »

We used protection, it broke, I took the morning after pill, it didn't work. No, this is my first time posting.

There was a very similar thread posted not so long ago didn't mean to pry op ,

If he's touched you inappropriately ,if I read and understood correctly ,

Under no circumstances let's him near your child seriously report this to the gardai and get to a solicitor seek a safety order and barring order for you and your daughter,

I understand this is a difficult and emotional time for you, even being a bloke myself

You and your child's safety comes first over any so called rights of a father

g.kingz

[Deleted User] wrote: »

OP, listen I understand that it is a stressful time, but we can only give advice based on what you have told us and this is the first time you mentioned being touched inappropriately. We can only act on the information that you give us, nothing more..

I said a few posts back that he'd touch me when I didn't want him to n thst he'd laugh when I pushed him off n told him to get off me.

ekevosu

A stamp 4 doesnt necessarily grant permanent residency (correct me if I'm wrong). It has to be renewed after a year. My wife is on this visa. It will let your child's father work and provide child support though and gain access to see his daughter, which he might not afford to do if he had long distances to travel and expensive flights.

And would he stop once you told him not to touch you or continue?

The Pheasant2

Howard Juneau wrote: »

And the misgivings arent well placed?

Look by the sound of things he just wants to get to see his own child. If he was being "pushy" I can only assume it was because OP was being difficult regarding visiting the baby even weeks after it was born

miss no stars

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Could it not be a cultural thing? Getting someone pregnant more or less means having to marry them. I'm not sure, but he does have a right to see his child.

I don't care if it's a cultural thing. This is Ireland - we have these things like gender equality and freedom from religious persecution. As it is, he has been harassing her - I'm not talking about the baby access, but about a relationship. If he was irish nobody would excuse it. Well, hes in Ireland now, dealing with an Irish girl so he should bloody well conform. How is she supposed to leave a newborn with a guy who has so little respect for the child's mother as to basically grope her and harass her?? Yeah, she should have been a bit quicker allowing supervised access, the first few days tbh is when he should have had access. But, he has hardly been a beacon of good behaviour and how can a new mother, who is tired and weakened, be expected to be around someone who sexually harasses her anytime she's in his company?

OP, you need a solicitor and you need to give supervised access with someone you trust there as well as you.

miss no stars

miss no stars wrote: »

I don't care if it's a cultural thing. This is Ireland - we have these things like gender equality and freedom from religious persecution. As it is, he has been harassing her - I'm not talking about the baby access, but about a relationship. If he was irish nobody would excuse it. Well, hes in Ireland now, dealing with an Irish girl so he should bloody well conform. How is she supposed to leave a newborn with a guy who has so little respect for the child's mother as to basically grope her and harass her?? Yeah, she should have been a bit quicker allowing supervised access, the first few days tbh is when he should have had access. But, he has hardly been a beacon of good behaviour and how can a new mother, who is tired and weakened, be expected to be around someone who sexually harasses her anytime she's in his company?

Ireland is the same in many ways. We still have a lot of that lingering. But that's not the point. We also don't know that he sexually harasses her any time he's in her company, because the OP hasn't said how often it happens.

Gatling

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Ireland is the same in many ways. We still have a lot of that lingering. But that's not the point. We also don't know that he sexually harasses her any time he's in her company, because the OP hasn't said how often it happens.

Are you actually been serious

Gatling

Gatling wrote: »

Are you actually been serious

I'm going by what the OP has said, which is that he touched her, she said she didn't want it, he laughed, and she told him to get off of her. Was this just once? Did he respect her wishes afterwards and not?

g.kingz

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Ireland is the same in many ways. We still have a lot of that lingering. But that's not the point. We also don't know that he sexually harasses her any time he's in her company, because the OP hasn't said how often it happens.

I don't really want to discuss on here how often it happened or didn't happen. It's the fact it happened once, that's all that should matter. N it mostly wasn't sexual harassment, but that he would touch me anywhere on my body without my permission. I think if someone is telling you they don't want a relationship with you, then any form of touching is off limits.the main thing I'm trying to say us I didn't want him touching me at all, anywhere, n when he did n I told him to stop, he'd laugh at me.

ABajaninCork

Howard Juneau wrote: »

Do not contact him at all. You won't do yourself any good. Engage a solicitor asap & be guided by their advice

This is the only piece of advice you'll need, OP. Do everything though your brief, and don't talk to him unless advised to do so. Get the social worker to organise access. Get/put everything in writing.

That way, everything is clean and tidy, and folk know where they stand.

MurdyWurdy

ekevosu wrote: »

A stamp 4 doesnt necessarily grant permanent residency (correct me if I'm wrong). It has to be renewed after a year. My wife is on this visa. It will let your child's father work and provide child support though and gain access to see his daughter, which he might not afford to do if he had long distances to travel and expensive flights.

My husband is on this visa too. We went to renew it this year and had our baby with us. We were told it would be better for him to apply for renewal based on the child as that grants you three years, not one. So, if the baby's father gets the visa, he gets three years. We decided not to bother because you need lots more paperwork (I can't remember exactly but we needed birth certs, the baby's passport and some kind of letter from a GP or something) and for a spousal one you only need a marriage cert.

OP, is he on the birth cert? It is a crappy situation and I have complete sympathy for you but I guess you could take some comfort from the fact he wants access to his daughter and hasn't disappeared, like a lot of men do. I know you think it's for his visa but I doubt that's the only reason.

If he gets access to her he needs to pay maintenance and if he has a stamp 4 he can work and provide for her so it's in the baby's best interests really

Obviously you have concerns about his behaviour so it's best settled through the courts where everything is out in the open and can ensure your daughter is safe. He may be pushy with you but perhaps that's not indicative if the kind of relationship he would have with his daughter

Big Bag of Chips

OP, please don't use txtspk as it is against the Forum charter. It makes posts more difficult to read.

How old is the baby now, and has he seen her at all yet? I can see where you are coming from, but if you are not allowing him to see his child, then you left him with little choice but to go the legal route.

I know you are probably all over the place at the minute between everything, and hindsight is a wonderful thing, but you should have allowed him to come to your house to see his daughter. You should have had someone (or a few) there with you for support, and to make sure he didn't try anything.

You should not hand over a passport for your child, but he can walk into the registrars office and ask for a copy of the birth cert himself, and he will be given it. All he needs is her name and date of birth.

I agree with the above advice of getting legal advice. Communicating only through solicitors could become very expensive for you, though.

You're in a situation now that you can't get out of. Best you can do is manage it as well as you can. Get legal advice.

moochers

Hey OP,
As other posts stated you need to see a solicitor. You mentioned that you had a meeting with a social worker, please go back asap and tell them your concerns. They will be able to arrange legal aid if you cannot afford it.

DazMarz

Lawyer up, surround yourself with friends and family, do not allow him access (especially unsupervised access) to the child, do not get the child a passport, do not be overly hostile but do not be a pushover either.

The most crucial thing is this; make sure that it would be nigh on impossible for your child to leave the country. I'm not saying this is going to happen, but it is possible. It has happened that one parent has spirited a child away across international borders and returned to their home country with a child and the chances of getting the child back are then reduced dramatically.

Tread softly. The most important people in your life at this very moment are you solicitor and your family. If the father wants access to the child, it is absolutely imperative that it be supervised. Either by a social worker or by members of your family.

Take no unnecessary risks regarding the safety and well-being of your child or yourself. Always let others know if you are going to meet him and where. Meet in a public place. Keep your mobile phone with you at all times and have your family/friends on speed dial. Preferably have some family/friends with you if/when you meet him, whether your child is with you or not.

Best of luck.

ShaShaBear

I should also point out that him touching someone he once had consentual sexual relations with and then laughing when you tell him to stop doesn't make him at risk to be a paedophile.

He has every right to see the daughter you both made. Perhaps you should think about taking the pill as well as condoms for future reference and remember that he couldn't possibly have planned getting you pregnant if you really put all these measures in place to protect yourself. The chances of you getting pregnant were astronomically low, almost impossible if I can give my own opinion on it.

You just have to face facts that allowing him to see his daughter when you had her rather than telling him you were not ready was not the best approach, and he is doing what he is legally entitled to.

Pawwed Rig

I am surprised by the amount of people telling you to cut this guy out and make things difficult for him. Some of the posts here have also been also been borderline (and over the border) Xenophobic. If this was the man stopping the girl seeing the baby I would be interested in seeing what the same posters would say. I understand that it has been a difficult time for you Op but have you any reason to believe you child’s father is a paedophile, child abuser or kidnapper? By some of the responses here this guy should be public enemy number 1 whereas it might turn out that he is a very good Dad. And Dad is what he is to the child. Not your child and not his child but both of yours.
It looks like you have left him with no option but to goto court.He must be desperate to see the baby as there is nothing else that can be gained by this course of action other than access. This shows me that he is deeply hurt about being forcefully separated from his child as any parent would be. Think for a second what it would feel like.
Now whatever you think of him personally you chose to have a child with him. I do not think your child will thank you in future if you now choose to cut her off from one of her parents and that part of her heritage.

LegacyUser

OP my partner was in a situation a few years ago before I met him, he had a child with a woman, result of one night stand.. Long story short, the relationship fell apart when the baby was 4 months old. The mother upped and left her home one day and cancelled the direct debit he set up to her bank for maintenance he was paying. She got a bee in her bonnet because he said he would be there for his baby forever but he didn't want to be in relationship with said woman.

So she fecked off, and he now hasn't seen his daughter in 4 years, he has no idea where she is, what she looks like, what she sounds like.. Nothing. You cannot just stop this man from seeing his daughter, no matter how much you don't want him in your life, your daughter has a right to have him in her life - he created her just as much as you.

I have to watch my OH in bits every time his daughters birthday comes around. It's awful, I really hate seeing him depressed because he has an actual child out there and knows nothing about her. I only wish we knew where the mother is because I would certainly stand by him if he wanted to bring her to court.

You cannot deny this man his child, and I agree with ShaShaBear that just because he touched you (you were having sex with him at one point) and you didn't like it, does not mean he will do that to his child.

Sorry to be harsh, but I've seen what things are like from the other side, and it's not pretty..

Ms. Pingui

OP, if you seriously have concerns about your safety and the safety of your baby, do not take any risks.
As you have already been advised, get a solicitor and let him have supervised access with yourself and a family member/ friend present and if possible, in a public place.
When I had my little one, I too feared for our safety with regards to her father. I got felt up, harassed and intimidated during his "visitation" with my daughter.
In the end I was so glad that I never gave in about unsupervised access with my daughter because my gut instincts were correct and she would have been in danger with him.
I know what you are going though and I know it is very tough!
I wish yourself and your daughter all the best.

g.kingz

I was never going to keep him from her forever. I was very much in favour of him being part of her life. But I was going through a lot physically and emotionally, I was only going by what the social worker had said, and what we ALL had agreed on in yhe meeting. I never said to him that he couldn't see her, I just said I wasn't ready. Yes I know now I should have let him see her with another family member but a mother with a newborn is a very protective person. I was never going to keep them apart forever, which is what some people on here believe.

ShaShaBear

g.kingz wrote: »

I was never going to keep him from her forever. I was very much in favour of him being part of her life. But I was going through a lot physically and emotionally, I was only going by what the social worker had said, and what we ALL had agreed on in yhe meeting. I never said to him that he couldn't see her, I just said I wasn't ready. Yes I know now I should have let him see her with another family member but a mother with a newborn is a very protective person. I was never going to keep them apart forever, which is what some people on here believe.

No, it's what some people on here think that a new father desperate to see his daughter and getting shot down repeatedly would believe. Did you think that he would just lounge about twiddling his thumbs waiting to be shipped back home while you doddled over when you would be ready to let this man meet his daughter?
From the second she was born you've been holding her, cuddling her, feeding her, dressing her. And what has the poor father being doing? Desperately trying to meet his daughter and getting told that you're not ready to let him meet her? Why are you even surprised he's taking you to court?

Big Bag of Chips

g.kingz wrote: »

....I was only going by what the social worker had said, and what we ALL had agreed on in yhe meeting. I never said to him that he couldn't see her, I just said I wasn't ready.

OP, please forgive me if this comes across as a little harsh, but I get the feeling you are either quite young and/or not very confident.

I understand the Social Worker might have recommended something, and you might have agreed to something before your baby was born, but that doesn't mean you had to do exactly what was decided. Things change every single day. Once your baby was born decisions made before might no longer be relevant. As a mother now you need to become confident in your choices. If you are confident (whatever choice you make) that you have made the right decision, then life will be easier for you.

If you do something because someone else told you to, it won't sit right with you. If YOU decide to do something, then you will have YOUR reasons and will be able to explain those reasons to others.

At the moment you seem very unsure, and like you're being pushed along by everyone else making all your decisions for you. Of course you are bound to be unsure. This is your first baby, and it's not exactly "going to plan"... But you need to grow up pretty quickly now. We all make mistakes. I am currently expecting my 4th child, and am fairly sure I'll make a few mistakes on this one, like I did with the others.... The difference is.. I am confident with what I decide to do. If I make a mistake, then I make a mistake.. but what other people think or tell me to do won't matter a whole lot, because I will make my own choices and will have my own definite reasons for making my choices.

Everyone has advice and opinions when it comes to children.. but you don't have to take all of it, or even ANY of it!

As already mentioned, hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I do think that you should have allowed your ex to see his daughter soon after she was born. Deciding you "weren't ready" or "because the social worker told you" aren't good enough reasons to refuse someone the right to meet their child - In my opinion, but like I already said, you don't have to agree with that

You need to decide what it is you want, and what is best for your daughter (not what you want for yourself.. but what is actually best for her) you can listen to advice and opinion from others but then YOU have to make your choices. Just remember, she is a tiny baby now, but next year, 5 years time, 13 years time, 40 years time... She will still be your daughter, and her dad will still be part of your life.

Try to find ground that you are both comfortable with. At the moment it's a battle between the 2 of you, and that is NOT what is best for your daughter.

Good luck. It's a huge learning curve for you, and one that nobody else can teach you. You need to figure it out for yourself (without *too much* interference from others who think they are helping) It won't be easy, but you most certainly are not the first person in the world trying to figure it all out.

Big Bag of Chips

Just to add OP, if you can't engage with the father of your child, then a judge, who has never met her and never will meet her will decide what they think is best for her. This is why you need to try take control of the situation. Suggest mediation. I'm pretty sure that your solicitor has to advise you to try mediation before it can go to court, anyway. It's to try to cut down the number of cases just going straight to court.

When the social worker said "when you are ready", was any time frame mentioned to the dad.. or was it just left at "when you are ready". If nothing was mentioned, then it could be interpreted any way. The social worker could have meant give yourself a few days (or even a week or 2) to get over the birth and settle in... The dad might have picked it up as give yourself time to have a shower and be "ready"...

Do you know what I mean?

The most important thing you can do now is find a solicitor. And if you find one that you don't like, you are free to move to another. Don't feel like just because you went to one, you are obliged to stay. Have your family around you if/whenever you meet your ex, but don't let your family (or your ex) make your decisions for you. Often people feel they are doing right or supporting you or "fighting your corner" but quite often they can antagonise situations.

At the end of the day, the 3 important people in this situation are your daughter, you, and her dad. Everyone else should be your support. They should be helping you without overpowering you. Sometimes it's difficult for family to take a step back, but if you have a good, sensible, level headed friend then treasure her And talk to her.

g.kingz

Thanks for your kind words. They did make me feel better. I want to tell him that he's allowed to see her but I've been advised by a solicitor not to contact him just yet until I meet them to discuss what we're going to do. I've been recommended a solicitor who deals with family law cases and immigration so I'm going to make an appointment with her. I am all for allowing him to see her, but am going to get advice from her before I decide how to go about it. If something can be agreed without going to court, then I'll do it. Just whatever is best for my daughter.