Found out my boyfriend has registered with POF

jemimapuddle

A friend of mine was on the website Plenty of Fish and came across my boyfriend on it. She contacted him a few times on it to see what he was looking for and when she mentioned me he deleted his account but not before she took screen shots and sent them to me.

I am devastated as he always said and swore he would never cheat on me. I meet him 3 years after I divorced my husband who I found out was cheating on me after 10 years together.

Boyfriend daughter & I are due to go on holidays in 3 weeks time and I don’t know if should I say it to him now and cancel the holiday or say nothing until after the holiday and pretend to be having a good time for the sake of my daughter and say it to him afterwards.

My friend who found him on POF told him to tell me or she would. He has not mentioned it but is acting shady. Any advice please??

heretochat

That is truly awful and I can only imagine how you must feel especially as cheating was the cause of your marriage ending also.

I would think you would find it very difficult to go away and pretend that all is rosey in the garden, and it will eat at you until you confront him about it.

Your priority has to be your daughter as you know. It is really your call but if it was me I would be going and treating the child to the holiday without the cheating boyfriend.

ziedth

If it were me I'd tell him you know and say you want to use the holiday to clear your head and have some space to see how things are when you come back then kick his ass out when you get back. Be a pity to waste the holiday but i certainly wouldn't go and pretend its ok as let's be fair he'll be wanting some "holiday fun" as we all do when we're away and that's going to be awkward to say the least.

WIZE

You can get him to tell you by saying your friend called you and wants to meet up. I bet you hs will **** himself and tell you

Big Bag of Chips

Why should you have to pretend everything is ok for your daughter to have a good holiday?

She can have a good holiday with you, without him.

I wouldn't bother with playing any games of pretending to meet your friend. Tell him you know, and then explain to your daughter that he won't be going on holiday with you.

CaraMay

Are you living with him?

What did the screen shots say?

Meauldsegosha

snooker_ball wrote: »

wouldn't worry about it , majority of women on those sites have no intention of ever doing anything , let alone get into bed with someone

I don't think it's the women on dating sites she has to worry about.

2Mad2BeMad

Some of the posts above are ridiculous specially coming from the first MODS post
"Go on the holiday just with your daughter for head space then kick his ass out" for example,
thought you guys are suppose to give advice
thats horrible advice. you dont know the full story jesus.

First off we know very little, special regarding who paid for the holiday so she can't very well tell him to f off and go on it with her kid if he paid for it all their not married their just bf/gf.


Listen OP, sit down and talk to him, he didnt cheat or to put it lightly he didnt actually go out and do the business on you with another women
fair enough signs are pointing towards that
but to put it too the test

Any dating site/adult site that any MAN at all signs up to, pays for etc.... all they ever get out of it is, either money lost by a scam site, talking to bots(computer auto mailing you) or some gay dude pretending to be a girl to get photos off you. the very rare time their is a girl on it who actually is looking for a partner, its flooded full of males

second of all, their is MUCH MUCH MUCH easier ways to cheat on a partner, the fact he signed up for some website with a photo means nothing,
ALOT of lads wont admit this, but even people who are with people for so long, tend to go off on little fantasies ,
their are lads who go off and make the fantasy real by cheating and then their are the rest who just either watch porn or create a quick dating profile to see if they can talk dirty for a quick fix
then their are other lads who are nothing but faithfull to their partner

maybe he has'nt mentioned it because hes embarressed by creating the profile just to masterbate , their are people who actually do that, so dont be fooled by some people on here who i know will reply to me and say thats bs because it aint its true, some lads dont think porn is enough anymore and go that extra mile just for the fantasy or the buzz if you want to call it that, look it up even its actually an addiction

how do you or anyone else know if he was actually going to cheat? creating a dating profile or anything else like that is far likely going to get you laid let alone cheat

theirs much more risk and f all reward for creating one of those profiles, why not go the easier route and head out ?

theirs far to many questions to be asked then to jump to conclusions , after all its your own decision, i know my own girlfriend would leave me if i ever done that, probably because its more a sick type a feeling she would get rather then a cheater, but at the end of the day, you guys have been together for a long time, your daughter knows him quite well id imagine , so least you can do to get some sort of explantion from it, is to sit down and talk with him
a holiday not too far away definitly complicates things, if you did pay for it,then i would go with your daughter but if you didnt, i wouldnt try to fool him in anyway about going on it and pretending to think about it, then things could get alot worse as far as the eyes of the law are concerned, and it wouldnt be he said she said he would have proof you went without him and that would be the last thing you need

talk with him, see what he says, if you've been with him that long, you'll get a feeling straight away whether or not he was trying to cheat or just a fantasy, but dont mention anything about it , just be outstraight and say your friend saw you on such and such a website, why were you on it? and see what he says.

Czarcasm

OP your friend who honeytrapped your boyfriend isn't much of a friend if she's not willing to let you deal with this in your own way.

If it were me, I would confront him, and then let him handle explaining to your daughter why you won't now be going on holiday. Then I'd call the travel company and make arrangements to have any monies you've paid towards the holiday returned to you.

The last thing you should be doing right now is going on holiday when your relationship might just be going round the U-bend, and at least having to explain to your daughter why you won't be going on holiday will be a lesson he'll be able to teach your daughter that fcuking people over like he's done isn't nice. It's an important lesson she'll no doubt remember.

After that, you can decide whether you want to continue in the relationship or not.

Meauldsegosha

jemimapuddle wrote: »

Boyfriend daughter & I are due to go on holidays in 3 weeks time and I don’t know if should I say it to him now and cancel the holiday or say nothing until after the holiday and pretend to be having a good time for the sake of my daughter and say it to him afterwards.

My friend who found him on POF told him to tell me or she would. He has not mentioned it but is acting shady. Any advice please??

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I don't know how everybodys missed it so far, but she's HIS daughter, not yours, correct?

It's her daughter. I think there is a comma missing between boyfriend and daughter.

Czarcasm

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

It's her daughter. I think there is a comma missing between boyfriend and daughter.

Aye, edited my post accordingly M


2Mad it doesn't matter what success rate the OP's boyfriend would or wouldn't have on dating sites. The fact is the intention was obviously there to cheat on her or to stroke his ego or to get whatever he felt was missing in his relationship with the OP.

The relationship is clearly in trouble, and they'd want to sit down and clear the air because nobody will enjoy that holiday and it'll be money wasted if they carry on as if nothing has happened yet both of them know damn well that the other person knows.

h2005

Someone was bound to see him on that site. I'd be wondering did he want to get caught

jemimapuddle

CaraMay wrote: »

Are you living with him?

No have my own house

jemimapuddle

Daughter is from the previous marriage, she is nearly 6. Marriage broke up when pregnant and he has been around from when she just went 3.
I paid for flights. Accommodation not paid for yet.
I think the majority are right though. I will have to talk to him sooner rather then later.
I am due to meet my parents over there for the week so won't be totally alone over there and be good to be with them
As someone said he knows I know I'm nearly sure of it and we are both afraid to face the elephant in the room
Sorry if the reply is all over the place only new to boards

jemimapuddle

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

I don't think it's the women on dating sites she has to worry about.

Yeah it's not the women. He said he was single on the profile so why wouldn't the women believe him

jemimapuddle

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP your friend who honeytrapped your boyfriend isn't much of a friend if she's not willing to let you deal with this in your own way.

If it were me, I would confront him, and then let him handle explaining to your daughter why you won't now be going on holiday. Then I'd call the travel company and make arrangements to have any monies you've paid towards the holiday returned to you.

The last thing you should be doing right now is going on holiday when your relationship might just be going round the U-bend, and at least having to explain to your daughter why you won't be going on holiday will be a lesson he'll be able to teach your daughter that fcuking people over like he's done isn't nice. It's an important lesson she'll no doubt remember.

After that, you can decide whether you want to continue in the relationship or not.

Friend didn't honey trap him she was actually on it trying to see was another friends boyfriend on in and my bf contacted her. She was honey trapping someone just not my bf.

jemimapuddle

2Mad2BeMad wrote: »

Some of the posts above are ridiculous specially coming from the first MODS post
"Go on the holiday just with your daughter for head space then kick his ass out" for example,
thought you guys are suppose to give advice
thats horrible advice. you dont know the full story jesus.

First off we know very little, special regarding who paid for the holiday so she can't very well tell him to f off and go on it with her kid if he paid for it all their not married their just bf/gf.


Listen OP, sit down and talk to him, he didnt cheat or to put it lightly he didnt actually go out and do the business on you with another women
fair enough signs are pointing towards that
but to put it too the test

Any dating site/adult site that any MAN at all signs up to, pays for etc.... all they ever get out of it is, either money lost by a scam site, talking to bots(computer auto mailing you) or some gay dude pretending to be a girl to get photos off you. the very rare time their is a girl on it who actually is looking for a partner, its flooded full of males

second of all, their is MUCH MUCH MUCH easier ways to cheat on a partner, the fact he signed up for some website with a photo means nothing,
ALOT of lads wont admit this, but even people who are with people for so long, tend to go off on little fantasies ,
their are lads who go off and make the fantasy real by cheating and then their are the rest who just either watch porn or create a quick dating profile to see if they can talk dirty for a quick fix
then their are other lads who are nothing but faithfull to their partner

maybe he has'nt mentioned it because hes embarressed by creating the profile just to masterbate , their are people who actually do that, so dont be fooled by some people on here who i know will reply to me and say thats bs because it aint its true, some lads dont think porn is enough anymore and go that extra mile just for the fantasy or the buzz if you want to call it that, look it up even its actually an addiction

how do you or anyone else know if he was actually going to cheat? creating a dating profile or anything else like that is far likely going to get you laid let alone cheat

theirs much more risk and f all reward for creating one of those profiles, why not go the easier route and head out ?

theirs far to many questions to be asked then to jump to conclusions , after all its your own decision, i know my own girlfriend would leave me if i ever done that, probably because its more a sick type a feeling she would get rather then a cheater, but at the end of the day, you guys have been together for a long time, your daughter knows him quite well id imagine , so least you can do to get some sort of explantion from it, is to sit down and talk with him
a holiday not too far away definitly complicates things, if you did pay for it,then i would go with your daughter but if you didnt, i wouldnt try to fool him in anyway about going on it and pretending to think about it, then things could get alot worse as far as the eyes of the law are concerned, and it wouldnt be he said she said he would have proof you went without him and that would be the last thing you need

talk with him, see what he says, if you've been with him that long, you'll get a feeling straight away whether or not he was trying to cheat or just a fantasy, but dont mention anything about it , just be outstraight and say your friend saw you on such and such a website, why were you on it? and see what he says.

2mad2bemad. Seriously thank you for that. I will do this. Only Thing is to talk otherwise it will eat away at me. It's good to get a mans view point on it. Thank you again

maria34

jemimapuddle wrote: »

Friend didn't honey trap him she was actually on it trying to see was another friends boyfriend on in and my bf contacted her. She was honey trapping someone just not my bf.

So your bf knew she is your friend (seeing pic maybe?) and cotacted her???

Lauzzy22

Awh I'm so sorry to hear that men are assholes(not all of them) but that's so sneaky and cruel. Go on holiday with your daughter and forget about him you Been through too much before in the past you don't need someone like him around you and your daughter. Life is too short. Good luck

Merkin

You poor thing, must have been such a shock. I'd cancel his flight, dump his ass and go off and spend some time with your daughter and family on holiday and clear your head.

CaraMay

Op there really are no valid reasons for him being on the site. You do need to talk to him but what possible comfort can he give you? The trust is gone

jemimapuddle

maria34 wrote: »

So your bf knew she is your friend (seeing pic maybe?) and cotacted her???

No she didn't have a pic on her profile. Was just pure luck

shannonman81

2Mad2BeMad wrote: »

Any dating site/adult site that any MAN at all signs up to, pays for etc.... all they ever get out of it is, either money lost by a scam site, talking to bots(computer auto mailing you) or some gay dude pretending to be a girl to get photos off you. the very rare time their is a girl on it who actually is looking for a partner, its flooded full of males

What a ridiculous statement...I met my wife on dating site(the one the OP mentioned as matter of fact) an I know plenty of people who have met some really nice genuine people on those sites...

On the thread topic..I would get shut of him sooner rather than later...he may have just been using the site to massage his ego but even that's not good enough...

irishgrover

Lauzzy22 wrote: »

Awh I'm so sorry to hear that men are assholes(not all of them) ........

Yea, and people on the internet are generalizing, sexist, idiots(not all of them)..

Taltos

irishgrover - please read our charter. If you have no advice to offer please don't post. If you have an issue with a post report it.

Lauzzy22 - please don't generalise - that is also a breach of our charter and can result in moderator action.

Thanks
Taltos

neveah

This kind of thing is a lot more common than you'd think. My friend's boyfriend did the same thing....while she was pregnant with his child, how awful is that. I'm single and I saw him when I was browsing the site. I was gobsmacked, I was in a huge dilemma about whether to tell her but it turns out that she caught him anyway cause she was checking his phone behind his back. She fecked him out of it and that was that, she was pregnant, she didn't want to lose him. She caught him on the website again a couple of months later, again because she checked his laptop. He said he likes to look at normal girls, that he prefers that to porn (even though it seems he looks at porn too). She's still with him. I can't stand him knowing all that I know but what can I do. Personally I think their relationship is doomed but they have a baby now and it all seems happy families. I guess you never know what's going on in people's personal relationships.

OP I don't know what advice to offer really, it's an awful situation. My friend's boyfriend had his picture up too for all to see, for me this was so disrespectful to her, knowing that anyone could see it. Talk about making a fool of her. Sometimes I wonder are these men stupid?! You can set up a profile with no picture if it's only a kick you're after....but whatever, that's my frst point really, by doing this he showed a huge lack of respect for you. How important is it to you that your partner respects you? Do you respect yourself? How much are you willing to accept from him? I can't answer these questions for you. It's not a good situation OP he either is insecure and needs ego boosting but are you willing to allow him make a fool of you while he does? You need to talk to him. Communication is key here. If you set your boundaries as willing to accept this behaviour then don't be surprised if it happens again in the future. You are in control of what happens now, you've been with him for 3 years but do you want to stay with him for the next 20 not trusting him?

Finally the holiday isn't a big deal in the long term scheme of things. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 months before we were due to go on a two week holiday. I was devastated and he treated me appallingly at the time (breaking up with me in the smoking room of a club and leaving me there to make my own way home so he could go back into a lock in, classy guy) This was a few years ago and I remember being devastated about the breakup but also the holiday. We ended up getting back together after two weeks and going on the holiday. The holiday was good, we had a good time but ultimately it had no bearing on the state of our relationship, we broke up a year later anyway, for good this time. Basically what I'm trying to say here is that the holiday is the least of your concerns really. You need to look at the state of your relationship, how you want to be treated by a partner and what behaviour you are willing to accept because ultimately your attitude to these things will shape the type of relationship you find yourself in and the type of person you are with. Whether you go on the holiday with him or not really won't 'fix' your relationship if there are cracks there as it is, however I would be more inclined not to bring him on holidays and go yourself with your daughter, let him know what there are consequences to his behaviour. If there are no consequences he will do it again, guaranteed.

stupidpiggy

I would talk to him before freaking out.

I mean, the whole POF phenomenen seems to be a fairly recent arrival. It's like Facebook for singles.... Every single person over 20 in Ireland seems to be on it and going out on dates all the time so maybe he was just dipping his toe in to see how the water felt, curiosity like. My guess is if he was really being malicious and deliberately setting out to cheat on you - he wouldn't have used a pic

I know, if it was me, I would be majorly pissed off but there could be no intention of cheating behind this.

When your friend "mentioned you" he deleted his profile. Does this mean there's a fair chance he knows you're aware of this already?

If it were me, I would calmly ask him why he had a profile? What he wanted to achieve and how many people he chatted too.

Has your friend given you an indication of what he was saying?

stupidpiggy

sunflower27 wrote: »

Oh really? You would be OK with a partner doing this because everyone else is doing it? No, you are wrong. Not every person is on dating sites at all. People who love and value their partners do not risk their relationship and hurting their partners like this.

When I said almost every single person is on POF - I meant every unattached person - single in that way.

I don't think people in relationships are on it, well not many of them. Just to clarify.

And no, I wouldn't be ok about it at all - I would freak out! I said that! I was just trying to say that maybe there was no real intent to cheat - maybe it was just a stupid boredom "I wonder what this is all about" foolish move

The OP and this guy have been together a long time and I don't think it's that easy to write off a long term relationship based on him being on a dating site but perhaps not even meeting up, or intending to meet up.

I honestly don't think it's ok and I can't imagine how the OP must be feeling it is disrespectful and a betrayal but I don't think it's fair to assume because he was on it he was going to cheat.

ad1234

Leave him at home and have a fabulous holiday with just you and your daughter! She definitely won't have a good time in an atmosphere! Go leave it all behind, you deserve it and she definitely does too! Talk to him in the mean time say you need his explanation and go take head space to take it in. Tell him if he wants to still be with you to organise counselling for you two for when you are back. Its not a quick fix and you esp will need help trusting again. If he goes he goes. Its better for your girl not to have him and you if thats hus decision and Trust me time will fix it all. Either way cleat your head. Focus in the little lady and get long term help for any relationship you are going to be in.

Xx

Just thought I should make a point that POF is used by some people who merely want to make friends and talk to people. Can't say whether the OP's boyfriend was doing this, but it does seem a little silly that he had his photo displaying.

sunflower27

sunflower27 wrote: »

He stated he was single, so it appears that isn't the case.

I must be blind, but I can't see where the OP stated he said he was single.

seenitall

Deleted User wrote: »

I must be blind, but I can't see where the OP stated he said he was single.

Post #15.

seenitall

seenitall wrote: »

Post #15.

I see that now. Thanks.

jemimapuddle

jemimapuddle wrote: »

2mad2bemad. Seriously thank you for that. I will do this. Only Thing is to talk otherwise it will eat away at me. It's good to get a mans view point on it. Thank you again

OP, he was on a dating site. A DATING SITE! thts it, id imagine his intentions are pretty clear, meeting girls, flirting with girls, chatting up other women, shifting other women and so on and so on so on etc etc.
you get the picture.

so some people log on to meet people for chats, your boyfriend needs friends does he??

seriously, he is looking to keep his options open, end of.

go on hols, im sure your daughter would be delighted to have a holiday with you and your parents.
you will all have a great time, forget him. oh and just tell him right before ye go away!:D

levi12

Be warned my other half ruined our relationship by going on similar site and physically meeting two people from it. Any man or woman on this site, is out to do something whether it's just flirting, posting pics or getting phone numbers and meeting up. There are levels of contact. But he is paying a fee to be on this site. . ..Why

Confront him, sit over a cup of tea, tell him what you've been told, get his story. Your not in too deep to come back from it. Keep it a calm chat and get his side to why he is on it.

Go on your holiday without him, let him stew. . . .But have some self worth. If he's doing this and didn't tell you....why. how far would he have gone.

Mind yourself, mind your heart

LegacyUser

So sorry to hear your story OP. I've had a similar experience to you. I think I know why you haven't confronted him. I know in your position I'd have been focussing on the replies here saying it's escapism etc. Unfortunately, mine isn't one of those. I hope you don't mind me hijacking your thread to tell my story. I know your case may be different but I hope if you see parallels you'll think about confronting him.You'll probably think I was a big fool when you read my story, I really was!

I found out that my then boyfriend was accessing a dating website when our keyboard broke and I went through history to access the internet. He swore blind that it was a site he had joined before we met, that it was the first time he'd logged in during our relationship, that the site continued to send him emails with matches despite him not using it (this does happen) and following a row he clicked on an email in anger. I forgave him way too easily. To be honest I was exhausted from rowing over the previous couple of days and as we had just had a long made up when I found it I wanted it to be true.

Two months later I was using google when a suggestion based on previous searches for "best dating websites Dublin" came up. I confronted him, he said it must have been old as he hadn't been searching for dating sites. We had only recently updated our browser so I knew it must have been recent. He then acknowledged that it was "like a trip down memory lane. Innocent and just harkening back to the days when he was young, free and single." Then he said if he was doing that it must mean that he shouldn't be with me, that he had been having doubts and dumped me.

I spent the next couple of days under a fog of shock, moved out, then something possessed me to put in the same search words, searched the first site that google gave me, POF, and found his profile within minutes. POF allows you to search by newest user and his certainly was not recent. He said it was an old account which he had hidden when he met the girl he had dated for two years before he met me. He had forgotten about it while we dated. I had known before all this that he had tried internet dating though I assumed it had been deleted.

A couple of months later he decided that he had made a huge mistake and wanted me back. Apparently, he hadn't met anyone decent on POF and instead it just made him realise how special I was and how he'd only done it out of fear of commitment. Now though, he was ready for it all: marriage, babies, the lot. He spent weeks trying to convince me. He had deleted his account. I gave him another chance. Guess what? Three months later I was single again and yes he has a new profile on POF!

Although you wouldn't imagine it from above we were together three years and I was blissfully happy with a man I confidently would have said would never tell me a lie. My advice: if he has a profile it's a sign that there is definitely something wrong with the relationship. Confront him and then leave. If he loves you he'll come after you. He needs to know how wrong it is. Whether he's meeting up with other women or not he should not be on a dating website while living with you. Put yourself first and take care of yourself OP. Once again so sorry to hear what you're going through.

kob29

If he actually had his pic up then some part of him wanted to get caught and maybe use this as an easy means of getting out of the relationship. I also know someone who has done this. bye bye trust