Feeling stuck

LegacyUser

I'm in my late thirties and a single mother living with my parents. I'm also a full time student on a course that's very intense. It's 9 to 5 most days with a lot of assignments and work placements so I'm stressed out with that. I have a degree already so I'm paying full fees (nearly €6000 a year) so I've a lot of debt and I'm really struggling to keep my head above water financially. My parents are really good and while I don't borrow money from them some weeks they won't take any money from me for my rent which is not much in the first place. I'm grateful for this and know how generous they are being but at the same time I feel like a freeloader.

I've been talking recently about what I'm going to do when I'm finished the course and can work - how I'll be able to pay my debts and hopefully buy my own house nearby for myself and my son but where I can be near enough to look after my parents when they get older. It helps me stay positive and keep focussed on why I'm doing it. However when I talk about it to my family they are really negative. My brother and sister who are both married think I am being selfish to uproot my child and leave my parents on their own. My sister keeps asking why I'd want a house when I have a home already and saying how silly it is. But I'd really love a place that's my own where I can have some privacy, have friends over and things like that and not feel like I'm getting in the way and not be bickering with them so much. Are they right - am I being selfish? My son has told me before that he thinks of his grandad as a father even though he knows he's not really.

My other problem is that I'm so lonely. I look at my sister and her husband and my brother and his wife and they're so happy and content most of the time. When the whole family get together I'm the only one on my own I can't help feeling sad. Especially as they are so affectionate with their other halves but not in an in your face way. I know it's awful but I feel envious. My relationship with my son's father ended very badly and he's not in our lives now. I haven't been with anyone since (twelve years). I don't think I've ever really gotten over it and still think about him sometimes - that can't be right can it?

I keep having this feeling that I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone or living with my parents after my son grows up and leaves home and it's making me miserable. Let's face it I'm not getting any younger. I feel like my life is passing me by and that I'm missing out. I've also recently developed a ridiculous crush on someone so completely inappropriate - much older and so out of bounds I'm even embarrassed writing it here - it's so pathetic and not helping but I've no one who I feel I can confide in about this sort of thing.

Neyite

I wonder if there is a vested interest in your siblings wanting you to stay at home. It means that down the line when your parents become less mobile, you will assume most of the responsibility so that they don't have to? That they have given you the unofficial spinster-who-minds-the-parents role. Its all very well for them to dictate that you should stay put, as long as its not them eh? Tell them if they are that worried, they can move in to keep the folks company. See how quickly they change their mind.

Its great that you are working so hard towards the future for you and your son, and its wonderful that you have great support from your parents. But you do need your own home down the line I think. I think its healthy for adults to have their own space. Yes, your parents might initially find this a bit lonely, but if you are nearby, they will see their grandchild often anyway. And while I'm sure your son is a joy for them, chances are they might be looking forward to the day you both fly the nest and they can plan their time as a couple.

For what its worth, I don't think you are selfish. Not a bit.

AineM2013

I don't think you are being selfish at all. You are doing great for yourself and it's fantastic you have your parents support. You sound like you want what most people want in terms of your own home and all that brings... It's also sounds to me (like the above poster) that your siblings are being selfish and encouraging you to stay at home because they know down the line someone will more than likely have to take care of your parents. This is why they are making excuses as to why would you want to have your own place when you already have a home! Try not to feel the need to justify why you want this for you and your son. They know what they are doing and why they are saying why they are saying!
In terms of meeting someone while it would be great you do have so much on, your course sounds full on. If you think the reason you have not met someone is to do with issues re getting over your past relationship, you could consider counselling. This may be something you could access through college in college time!
Good luck with your studies and just take it one day at a time. Also, I'm a believer in 'what's for ya won't pass ya'!

loubeelou

OP, i have similar experience to you in that I'm 40 , single parent, recently finished college and aiming to one day get a house for myself and my child. It's a hard and slow process and its easy to feel stuck. I have felt as though its never going to work out so many times. I'm still struggling and nowhere near obtaining the dream of owning a house.
But all i can say to you is keep on ploughing ahead. Everthing you're doing is positive and you will get there. Don't worry about things like inappropriate crushes. I'd say they can be a handy distraction if not taken too seriously.
Things will eventually work out for you. (As for me, i hope) if you keep on pushing, the door has to eventually open! Good luck!!!

LegacyUser

It is not easy going back to college as a mature student and a single mother but long term
it will help you get work. Also did you know that you could get back some the fees you are paying if the course is recognised by revenue and you can claim this back over the past 4 years. If you look up revenuie.ie there should be information on this.

In regards to your sister making comments about why would you buy a house when you can live at home, she is thinking of herself. The reality is that no one wants to think about there parents needing help or care in the future but if this happens it is not fair to expect one person to put there life on hold to deal with this.
My advice to you is that if she says this again ask her do you expect me to mind our parents when they get older and is that why you want me to stay here?
You need to let her know now that you are not putting your life on hold to suit her, your brother or your parents.

Your not being selfish in wanting to move your own life on once you finish in college.
Once you start working you will need to pay off your debts, start saving and put money into a pension for your own long term security.

I know things are not easy for you at the moment but you sound like a nice person who is trying to move there life on. I would advise you that once you get a job to see if you could get involved in the works social club or some other group or organisation.
This will help you get out of your parents home 1 or 2 night a week, let you meet new people and give you something to look forward.

I would also have a date in mind to move out of your parents house by even if you have to rent. I would just keep this date to yourself untill you have everything organised and you can then tell your family and son that you are moving to here on such a date.

moochers

Hey OP

Agree with other posts about your siblings having a vested interest.

However, I sincerely doubt that your parents expect you and your son to live with them permanently, if that was the case, they certainly would not be as supportive and encouraging about you pursuing your education.

I understand the stress and pressure you are under regarding your college course, but its actually ideal that you are living at home. At least you do not have the added stress of bills, childcare costs etc.

Fair play to you for going back to college, it is challenging and the first few months are the hardest, but you will totally get into the swing of things.