extreemly lonely and depressed

ckraheen

Hi, i posted a comment a week ago about regreting out and im here for again so, sorry!
as i said before by friends completly abandoned me since iv come out! As a result this once outgoing and confident girl has become a depressed hermit.its like i have to rebuild,my life from stratch! Also, i didnt mention the last day that i came out to my mother 3 months ago and she hasnt spoken to me since.
as i dont go out any more im finding hard to make new friends! I am friendly with some of the eople i work with,but because i commute everyday, i havnt made real friends,i cud catch up with at the weekends! Im in such a spiral of depression and isolation, i actually dont no,wat to do! Someone, please help

Davaeo09

I am sorry if this appears blunt, and I know your situation must hurt like hell but its worth mentioning this, those so called friends of yours that turned their back on you? There not worth your time. Real friends will realize that you are still you, it's only backwards, ignorant and frankly idiotic people that would let sexuality become an issue between real friends.

I myself am a gay man, living in rural county Kilkenny. I'm not going to pretend I am the most popular person in Ireland, i'm not, I don't want to be but even some of my very, erm, old fashioned friends have come to me recently with words of praise and wisdom (lol).

SO just to reiterate, I am truly sorry you feel the way you do, but I suspect some of your friends will come around, perhaps not entirely, and not fast either, but give them a chance and if they don't.. what loss?

As for your mother, this is bound to be a shock to her, you are after all her daughter and she probably thought she knew you inside out. Have a talk with her, explain it's not a phase or fad, and that it's causing you great hurt in your life to have people shutting you out.

Sorry for this brief, to the point post I with you all the best and remember, things can only get better

pharmaton

If your friends abandoned you then they weren't really friends in the first place. Sometimes it takes people a while to accept change, give your family time to process but there's no need for you to wait for their approval in order to be happy, it's their issue to deal with not yours and your wellbeing shouldn't depend on it. If it means starting from scratch so be it but think of it as an opportunity for gain rather than because there is no other option. Make yourself available for new things, whether it's making new friends or taking up new interests and don't be afraid to do these things alone if you need to, it will give you something to do and turn your attention toward making your life the way you want it to be.

Don't focus so much on your sexuality, it is after all just a small part of who you are and leave it on the back burner when meeting new people or taking up new interests (unless it's the topic of discussion), in time these will both fall into place naturally. Place your focus back firmly on getting on with your life, whether that's work or doing things that interest you. It's only been three months op, it will take a little while for you to feel comfortable in your own new shoes and the more you do the easier it gets. Best of luck.


(I think there are links to groups and other societies in the resources thread above that you might find helpful too )

ckraheen

Thanks a million for the feedback guys, its been unbelievably helpful!:D like i honestly didnt think any of the girls wud had cared, i was putting off coming out casue of my family! So their reaction completly horrified me, most of them seem grand to begin with but have been slowly phasing me out of the group!

Im the same person, always will be and unfortuently i can be overly sensitive but **** it, onwards and upwards from here! I feel like im going to playschool again trying to make new friends but itl happen natuarlly! Hopefully il be moving to dublin soon for work and i have college friends up der so itl be a start and i wudnt be commuting so it be easier to to become friends with work collueges; go out etc! As i said, im getin on well with people i work with but have never socialised with them! Theres also a good few gay/ lesbian people there and hopefully will eventually make friends with them!!!!

Davaeo09

Who cares what the small few neigh sayers think. As long as your happy that's all that count!

Best of luck with the move, it is probably for the best!

Last word of advice, its easier to make friends if your friendly to yourself. Don't have regrets, hold your head high, you are who you are and I guarantee you this renewal of your social life will go swimmingly

Running Amach

You can make new friends through the Running Amach MeetUp site. We organise social events for LGBTQ women & it's a great way to make new friends

http://www.meetup.com/Dublin-LGBTQ-Womens-Social-Networking-Club/

ckraheen

In the space of two day i actually see light at the end of the tunnel now, so thank you every1 for the great advice

Ambersky

ckraheen It may help you to know that many of us here have gone through feeling like we are starting out on life again. Some of us who have come out much older than you feel like we are suddenly 16 again with all the vulnerability, blushes and feelings of making a fool of yourself all over again. You are not alone.

It is especially difficult to come out to family and friends when you don't already have the support of some LGBT friends and before you have fully come to terms with who you are and what that means for you. It has probably taken you time to come this far and you may have rejected the idea and fought with yourself for a little while too. Your family and friends are probably doing this now. So just as you probably need a bit of time they do too.
When people see you happy and with a life of your own it is easier for them to come to terms with things. But it will take time and it will take you time too.

I am taking it that you are young and there are several groups you can get in touch with and individuals who belong to organisations you can get in contact with.

The scene can be a bit different for men and women. A lot of groups do mix but often women are in the minority in these places and women can sometimes go and wonder where all the other women are at. Venues and events for women can change and sometimes to find out what is happening in the womens scene it is best to contact womens groups.
Dublin Lesbian line is the longest running lesbian organisation in the country so you can tell them anything in confidence and know they wont judge you or think you are stupid. They are there to talk with women in your situation and it can be nice to have a chat with someone one to one anonymously if you like. Lesbian line workers listen and give out information about where to go and about whats happening. There are a few phone services available across the country.
Dublin lesbian line // mon and thu 7pm - 9pm (01) 872 991
For other phone services look at this listhttp://www.dublinlesbianline.ie/helplines.html

First Out is a Dublin-based group for women of all ages, who are questioning their sexuality or considering “coming out”. They developed as a kind of next step for women who have talked about it a bit but would like to to meet and chat with others in a simular situation. This is an excellent group facilitated by experienced LGBT women who organise discussions and information for small groups and it is a great way to both get to know people outside of the bar scene and to get to know something about being gay from people who are positive about it. Going to these meetings can also provide you with familiar faces to go to pubs and events with instead of walking in alone.
There are currently two support groups. The first, in Outhouse, 105 Capel Street, Dublin 1, meets between 7.30 and 9.30pm. The second group meets at 7 – 8.30pm in the Clubs and Societies Meeting Room at Sligo IT Student’s Union (1st building on right from main gate - by the Big Fish sculpture – and inside it’s the 1st door on right). Both groups meet on the first Thursday of every month all year around. Any changes to the schedule are reported on their website in the recent updates section.
http://www.firstout.ie/

This is a list of Youth Services and Groups you can go to from the Belong2 website, these are open to all LGBT people and you may find a group that interests you there.
http://www.belongto.org/groups.aspx

Finally for those times when you feel lonely and depressed dont forget to look at the It Gets Better Project and listen to some other peoples stories. Maybe it will help you know You Are Not Alone. It Is Ok. You have your whole life ahead of you and it is such an adventure. The best times are ahead of you but you just cant see it yet.
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

ckraheen

Thank u so much for all the advice!x unbelievably helpful

ckraheen

My mother has been threatening to through me out ever since i came out, and when i came home from work today she had all my stuff packed up! When my dad came home and wondered what was happening she outed me to him! He instantly stuck up for me!:D miricles do occur! I thought mothers wer supposed to be the understanding ones!!ha

Ambersky

ckraheen There is a group for Parents of young LGBT people called
Loving Our Out Kids.
It meets on the first Thursday of each month in the BelonGTo offices at
13 Parliament Street Dublin 2.
Your parents may or may not be ready for this but in time having a chat with someone else with a Gay child may help them come to terms with things. It is important for them to come to realise eventually that the issues and problems they have coming to terms with your sexuality, whatever that may be, is their problem.
It is not your problem.
That’s not blaming anyone its just the way most of us are raised and socially conditioned. Many people think they have no issue with LGBT people because it hasn’t impacted their lives (as far as they know). Some people genuinely have no difficulty. It sometimes takes a family member of a close friend coming out to find out how people really feel. But then it is something they have to sort out for themselves. They can dance and scream and throw all their toys out of the cot but that isn’t going to change the reality they haven’t wanted to deal with. As the saying goes “Were Here Were Queer , Get Use To It”
The people at Loving Our Out Kids will be much more diplomatic than that, they wont be bluntly telling your parents to get use to it. That saying is something some of us like to chant on Gay Pride Parades and stuff, it can help to have little defying things like that in your head and it may just give you a little boost after having to watch your mothers behavior.
Here is a link to the Loving Our Out Kids website. They have parents and support workers in different parts of the country. Your Dad may be ready to talk with someone and it may help him in talking with your mother.
http://http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/contact.html
These are the Dublin numbers
Dublin area
Loving Our Out Kids
Tina (086) 070 8929 or Vera (087) 288 7077

You may also find this article on coming out to parents interesting
Here is an excerpt
http://glbtss.colostate.edu/coming-out-to-your-parents

Coming Out to Your Parents
KNOWING WHAT TO EXPECT

The purpose of this is to inform gay and lesbian young adults about the process most parents go through when their child's homosexual orientation is disclosed. The stages to be explained are:

shock
denial
guilt
expression of feelings
personal decision-making
true acceptance

.............Parents and Children Switch Roles

When you come out to your parents, you may find your parent-child roles reversed for a while. They will need to learn from your experience. As your parents deal with your disclosure, you must assume the "parenting" role by allowing them time to express their feelings and make progress toward new insights.

This will not be easy. You'll want them to understand and grasp this important part of your life right away.

It will be easy for you to become impatient. You'll need to repeat many of the same things. Just because you've explained something once does not mean they heard it. Their understanding will evolve slowly--painfully slowly--at the beginning. Their emotional reactions will get in the way of their intellectual understandings.
Allow them time and space

Consider your own journey; you've been working on this issue for years! Although the issues your parents will work through are similar to those you've dealt with, the difference is that you're ahead of them in the process. Be patient.

Best of Luck and a Big Hug to You.

ckraheen

Thanks everyone, der shud eventually be light at the ens of the tunnel!

larko

ckraheen wrote: »

Thanks everyone, der shud eventually be light at the ens of the tunnel!

I came out 18 years ago and my family were grand. My girlfriend s mother hit the roof and said if her dad ever found out it would kill him. So we lived together -Bought two houses and I pre tended to be just a good friend to her family. Living a lie.

So after 17 years together I asked her to marry me in Feb and she said yes. We got married last thurs with all my family there. ... and all her family there.

Her dad always knew and is delighted for us. Her mam was the one with the real problem. We didnt tackle it and so we just put on a show for all those years which was so unnecessary.

As for friends. ... they come and go. Good ones stick around. My so called best friend outed me to everyone when I first came out. I still remember that feeling to this day but who cares I never see them anymore.

You will get through it. Everyone story is different and this is your first chapter.

Living a lie will only make u unhappy. You have done the hard part.

Good luck!

Antianara

Ckraheen. Start allowing yourself to enjoy your life. If you spend your entire time worrying about whether or not people accept you then you will just make yourself miserable.

I have never met another gay person who has experienced a hassle, bigot free bag full of loveliness in their entire gay life. Unfortunately we do not yet live in an egalitarian society.

Some people will be ignorant *****, some will think you are even "cooler" now that you are out and many won't give a flying ****e either way but the only thing that is important in the end of the day is if you are happy with you.

Don't surround yourself with bigots it's unlikely you will have that much in common with them. If family members have issues, step back give them space and get on with your own life. It's not your job to fix peoples ****ty perceptions, let them do that on their own.

ckraheen

Thanks Antianara. I went to see a counselor for the first time today so hopefully a few sessions will help!

Plus i think i have to deleate my facebook page; i use to be never of facebook, but since of come out- im posting on it a stupid amount of times per day; i tink cause i was lonely i just wanted any1 to repsond back!haha

ckraheen

Congratulations and Im so sorry to here about your mother in laws small mindedness and all the un-needed hardship she caused!!! I have a date tonight (an actual date and not just hooking up with someone) so maybe that will go well! :P

ckraheen

An update on this post:

I came out to my mother months ago and shes just ignored me. But recently she had friends over and I told them that I recently broke up with a girl, she went ape!!!!! One thing she said was 'your after destroying the family's reputation by being a disgusting fat dyke!' (very 1950's i know!) I came home from work last week and she had all my bags packed, she wanted me to leave that night but she has given me 2 weeks to move out! I want to move out anyway cause i just need a new start but I want a relationship with my mother! My dad even brought her off for a few days to calm her down.

Its effecting everything I do. I even started becoming extremely snappy, bitchy and extremely extremely lazy at work this week. Im usually sickingly sweet and very easy-going. I think i spent the last month trying to bottle up all the feeling and they just exploded into bitchiness, clinginess and tears! My contract is up soon and work is the only thing I have in my life at the moment and I just the thought of loosing that just freaked me out. Iv spent the last week crying myself to sleep. Like im hoping to get a new job soon but i dnt no if il be able to cope as im such an emotional wreck!

Wish i was still in the closet, it was fun in there! :P

pharmaton

Think you should make use of some of the links provided and get in contact with someone who may be able to help you or offer some support. Sorry to hear that things haven't improved with your mother but if you can, try and move ahead with making your own plans for the time being, finding accommodation and securing work/furthering your education. Once you have secured this much you will be able to work on the other stuff when you are more settled. I know it's tough but it will give you something to distract you from your home environment and keep you focused. Best of luck and stay in touch with us here if you feel it helps.

ckraheen

Thank u so much pharmaton! hopefully der will be life at the end of the tunnel!

ckraheen

the loneliness is just getting too much to deal with

pharmaton

you want to drop me a pm ckraheen?