Depressed brother

ondine380

I am quite worried about my younger brother. I am 23 and he is 21.

The best way to describe him is painfully shy. When we were kids, I was always the shyer, polite little girl, whereas he was the boisterous, playful and inquisitive little boy, always asking questions and always first to talk to people.

Then I think secondary school affected us differently. I despised it at first, I was overwhelmed by my shyness, but after a year or two, I broke out of my shell, made friends, and finished out my second level education quite happily.

My brother, on the other hand, seemed to start out on a good note. His year seemed to be less 'cliquey' than mine, all seemed to get along with each other fine, no major fallouts, none involving my brother at least. But then when he entered his third or fourth year, he became quiet and sullen and withdrawn. He claimed he despised school and almost everyone in his year, even though nothing seemed to have happened. He remained friendly with just one other boy.

He finished out school with an excellent Leaving Cert (although he barely studied - he is very intelligent!) and began an engineering degree in a college within driving distance of our hometown, so he remained living at home with our parents, while I had moved away to start university two years previous.

I really hoped that his starting his college course and meeting more like-minded people would bring him out of his shell a bit more, but, he is now in his third year, and he has failed to bond with anyone.

I never see him interacting with other people, but from what I gather from observations, he seems to think the other lads in his course are useless and good for nothing, only attending college to attain a government grant so they can drink it away. He seems to have a huge disdain for loud, outgoing people who love drinking excessively and going out every night of the week. Whenever I suggest he attend a class party so he can mix with his classmates, he dismisses it, saying he would have nowhere to stay, and that there would be no point in him going if he were driving, as everyone else would be drunk and he would be sober.


I don't think he has kissed a girl since he was about 15, in his more outgoing days. He seems to think girls only like loud, arrogant guys who drink in excess and I think he feels his lack of confidence pulls him down.


I must note that our parent's home is in a rural part of Ireland, and so is the town where he attends college. There has traditionally been a stronger drinking culture in rural Ireland than in the larger towns, simply because there is little else to do. I believe that if he had moved out of our parents home and into a larger city for college, like I did, then he would have met more broad-minded people. He is a very intelligent young lad, with a strong interest in film and comedy, but he also has a great deal of responsibility on the family farm. My father is not getting any younger and I think my brother feels that he must stay there.

I try to talk to him but he just laughs it off. I have invited him to visit me in the city where I live numerous times, suggested I bring him to a comedy show or something (as I know this is something he would enjoy, and NOTHING like this ever happens in our hometown), but he always refuses, worrying that it is considered 'weird' for a brother to visit his sister.

He is always paranoid about meeting any friends I bring home, thinking they will laugh at him or find him weird, when they never do as they are nice people.

I wish I could take him to see a therapist or counsellor, as he clearly has issues that he is not laying out on the table. But neither I nor my parents can drag him, he is over 18 and anything he does is of his own free will.

I'm getting more and more worried every day in case one day he does something stupid. I'm at my wits end. Do any of you have any advice?

drunkmonkey

I dunno is he depressed, some guys are happy in their own worlds, he has no interest in drinking which is a good thing in a way, he sounds like he's going to come out of college with good marks which should equal good job, he might be happier working and might be with more like minded people, have you talked to him about what he plans after college, your dad might want him at home, that's ok, he might have no interest in the city.
Did he go to the ploughing? Has he interest in the farm.

ondine380

drunkmonkey wrote: »

I dunno is he depressed, some guys are happy in their own worlds, he has no interest in drinking which is a good thing in a way, he sounds like he's going to come out of college with good marks which should equal good job, he might be happier working and might be with more like minded people, have you talked to him about what he plans after college, your dad might want him at home, that's ok, he might have no interest in the city.
Did he go to the ploughing? Has he interest in the farm.

He does have an interest in the farm, which is very good. I have asked him if he plans on pursuing an engineering career after he finishes college, he just laughed and said no. I think his dream job is tinkering around with tractor engines, which I would be only delighted for him to do. I just wish he didn't seem to hate himself so much and wish he'd interact with others. Fair enough the world needs introverts but we all need friends.

unseenfootage

He's at college , doesn't drink and doesn't mix with the usual suspects.

Good lad.

freshpopcorn

Some people are happy living a quite lives by themselves and they don't need to go out drinking with people to have a good time.
He might enjoy his college course and that might be enough social interaction for him during the day without going out again at night. He isn't totally isolated in himself because he is going to college and he meets people here every day.
You have to remember that some people are introverted and some people are extroverted.
Your brother might just be introverted and that's the way hes built. There's nothing wrong with it.
Whilst you seem to be more extroverted and out going than him and there's nothing wrong with this either.
If your brother says he is happy doing his own thing you nearly have to take his word for it. There's no point of getting him to go to a city/to comedy gigs if he doesn't want to.

ondine380

unseenfootage wrote: »

He's at college , doesn't drink and doesn't mix with the usual suspects.

Good lad.

He is a good lad. And my parents would be lost without him around the house. But I wish he could find a kindred spirit, and I don't think the course he is in seems to have any.

ondine380

freshpopcorn wrote: »

If your brother says he is happy doing his own thing you nearly have to take his word for it.

That's the thing though. I don't think he is. Every so often he'll open up a little, worrying that he'll never get a girlfriend, etc, which leads me to think that he himself wishes he were a little more outgoing. I know I'm obviously biased as his older sister, but I think he'd be a catch and any girl would be lucky to get him! He just doesn't seem to put himself out there to give anyone the chance to get to know him.

freshpopcorn

ondine380 wrote: »

That's the thing though. I don't think he is. Every so often he'll open up a little, worrying that he'll never get a girlfriend, etc, which leads me to think that he himself wishes he were a little more outgoing. I know I'm obviously biased as his older sister, but I think he'd be a catch and any girl would be lucky to get him! He just doesn't seem to put himself out there to give anyone the chance to get to know him.

If I am being honest I don't think he would meet a girl in a bar/club that would suit his personality. He would be better off joining a club/group where he could meet somebody with a similar interest as him. You could suggest this to him.

ondine380

freshpopcorn wrote: »

If I am being honest I don't think he would meet a girl in a bar/club that would suit his personality. He would be better off joining a club/group where he could meet somebody with a similar interest as him. You could suggest this to him.

My mother and I have suggested he join the IFA, but alongside his shyness is a blatant stubbornness. He insists people there would find him 'weird' too.

unseenfootage

Just because he is not the life of the party, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with him. Let him find his own way. Intervention is only necessary in case where someone has gone off the rails.

freshpopcorn

ondine380 wrote: »

My mother and I have suggested he join the IFA, but alongside his shyness is a blatant stubbornness. He insists people there would find him 'weird' too.

Well apart from that you could suggest Macra na Feirma/ the engineering society in college.
Does he have a part time job?
Often when people get their first part time job they have to work as member f a team/also be chatty and nice to the customers. This might be a way of him to feel more comfortable.
Could you suggest a dating site to him if he wanted to find the right guy/woman for him if he found it hard to do this in person. Getting to know them a little online at the start might boost his confidence when he meets them in person.

ondine380

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Well apart from that you could suggest Macra na Feirma/ the engineering society in college.
Does he have a part time job?
Often when people get their first part time job they have to work as member f a team/also be chatty and nice to the customers. This might be a way of him to feel more comfortable.
Could you suggest a dating site to him if he wanted to find the right guy/woman for him if he found it hard to do this in person. Getting to know them a little online at the start might boost his confidence when he meets them in person.

All good ideas. However he shot down the idea of a dating site. He seems to have zero confidence around girls - also I dated someone I met online and I think that because I did it, he won't want to do it.

He claims that his work on the farm takes up all of his spare time outside college.

Hopefully when he finishes out his degree he'll have more time.

freshpopcorn

ondine380 wrote: »

All good ideas. However he shot down the idea of a dating site. He seems to have zero confidence around girls - also I dated someone I met online and I think that because I did it, he won't want to do it.

He claims that his work on the farm takes up all of his spare time outside college.

Hopefully when he finishes out his degree he'll have more time.

If your parents felt the issue was serious they could make sure he had enough leisure time to find a part time job. Whether it was in a local shop/restaurant or even driving a tractor for an agricultural contractor if he liked tractors.
In college has your brother done any team project or has he ever had to do any work placements. How did he got on with these experiences? If he wasn't able to interact with people in these situation they would be a chance he could fail the subject.

Manco

Maybe he just doesn't identify with other people in his course and dislikes the drinking scene? It may be useful for him to make friends through other interests of his. I kept to myself in the first two years in college through shyness, but then made friends through involvement in different university societies. You are clearly a caring sister and mean well, but at the end of the day he has his own life to live and you may be overworrying slightly.

Xidu

Seems to me that your brother knows what he want, he probably just doesn't bother to look for girls at this stage. I think he is fine with his life.