What can I do to save my relationship

LegacyUser · 25-09-2013 10:04am #1

Hi all

As the title says, what can I do to save my relationship?

With my OH 3 years, both 26. Basically I just feel like I have made him a priority for the entire 3 years and whilst he was great at the start and still is, he is just driving me insane lately. It's like he is just a lazy sh*t, barely texts me anymore, he might ring me once or twice some days of the week. I'm not asking for constant contact here folks, just that it was lots of contact at the start and then it started to kind of ease up.. Which is fine but I have said it to him lots of times that if he ever felt like he was losing interest just to tell me as I would rather know. I know he is MAD about me, it's no secret with him, and then he just seems perplexed when I say things like that, and assures me that he loves me bits, never wants to end it etc.

Why am I still not happy? Well, he just doesnt seem to make any effort anymore, I find I'm not as physically attracted to him anymore, he put on a bit of weight which actually doesnt bother me as that is the kind of men I like anyway. But he seems to have stopped showering as often, and barely shaves. This is a massive turn off for me cos lets face it, B.O is not a nice thing when getting romantic with each other. This is what p*sses me off as that is a NORMAL thing that people do - showering! You dont even require common sense to shower, you just DO IT! I havent said this to him and I know I will be told to here, I just have to try work up the courage to say it.

On to the next point, I dont actually feel like I can tell him deep, dark thoughts or feelings like I used to. Which is hard for me as I would actually consider him my best friend. I guess I just feel like sometimes his head isnt in it, but as he's told me on many occasion - his heart is definitely in it. I really cant put my finger on it, maybe in the past I might have felt like he had his own stuff to deal with so I kind of stopped telling him things. I feel a bit upset about that as he is the only person I truly feel comfortable with when telling him things about my life. I am always there for him, rain or shine he knows that he can tell me anything, no judging from me ever. But sometimes he bottles stuff up and then it will all come out one day, he would usually blurt it all out after being out of sorts. I cant even force him to tell me when he's upset because he is manly in the way that he wont admit it.

He never bothers to charge his phone most days, it is really bothering me as he will then complain about missing calls or events he could have went to, and I'm not joking here folks, I have lost count of all the times I was telling him he needs to just charge the phone and that wont happen! It's tough cos sometimes if I have had a bad day and I ring him to chat, I cant get through.. This has happened so many times I dont even care to remember them anymore

all of his friends and family give out to him for it but still almost on a weekly basis he doesnt bother his arse to keep on top of charging it! I've even suggested getting rid of the smart phone as the batteries in them arent great anyway!

His mother actually cornered me in the house last week, we get on well, she said outstraight she's sick of him, he never does anything to help in the house, doesnt clean his room, put laundry in the wash, make his bed, honestly he is like a three year old. Which I partially blame is parents for (I didnt say that to his mam though) They just do everything for himself and his brothers and TBH the parents are being made right mugs of... I didnt really know what to say to his mam, she doesnt curse but she was effing and blinding about him so I knew she was really angry! I just agreed and said "I know" to be polite as I wouldnt discuss how I really feel with her. When I am upset with him I tell him and he somehow always manages to wriggle his way out of it and put the guilt on me, I never copped this behavior until his mam actually said it to him the other night when I was there. I suppose it got me thinking, about all the times I have told him he has upset me or p*ssed me off and I always end up feeling like the bad guy and that I've made an issue out of nothing! It's gotten to a bad stage now where I will just not say how I'm feeling and it will fester inside until I lose it, and then I definitely am the bad guy cos I look like a loose cannon or a whinge!

I just feel like he takes nothing seriously in this relationship anymore, he seems to be too busy playing PS3, hanging out with his younger bro and his friends who are all EXTREMELY immature and they are usually there when I go to the house, so instead of having alone time with him, I feel like I'm babysitting a gang of kids... We rarely do things together now or spend time together alone and this is really making me sad!

I know I have slated him here, but now for the pro's about him. He is the most intelligent, witty and sound bloke. Every person he meets loves him from the start, he is just a down to earth sound bloke, he is harmless but just seems to be still enjoying playing a teenager role in life. I absolutely adore everything about him (apart from the above) I am not one for easily giving up on things and especially not this relationship, so hence why I am on here looking for advice. Can I just add that I have sat him down and raised some of the above issues, and he always just gets out of it by saying he'll change or making excuses and it hasnt yet! I know he probably is still a little immature but come on like at 26, you should be acting like an actual adult... I just dont know what to do

I would be grateful for genuine, helpful advice - thanks all!

McDonnellDean · 25-09-2013 10:48am

It's simple, you need to explain all this to him. Once you do there will be one or two outcomes:

A: He realizes that its not cool to behave like he does and changes
B: He doesn't

From here you need to make a choice to stay or go. It sounds like he may be in a bit of a rut or he may just feel he doesn't need to put the effort in. The long and the short is you can't change him, he can only change himself. It may be a case where he feels there is no issue, if that is the case you need to make it very clear that these differences are a deal breaker for you.

heretochat · 25-09-2013 10:53am

He needs to grow up. That is quite clear from your post. He seems to be just coasting through life and expecting everyone else to do everything for him while he makes as little effort as possible.

You need to have a serious chat with him and lay it on the line for him. This is a 3 year relationship and you have obviously invested a lot in it.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2013 2:30pm

Thanks for your replies I appreciate them very much.

We hadn't spoke in 3 days which is the longest we have ever gone without talking, I just felt fed up and wanted some me time.

So today I sent him the dreaded "we need to talk" text and of course his phone is off again... But he eventually turned the phone on and rang me straight away, I think he got a fright. We were talking anyway and I basically put all of the above to him, and somehow he still manages to wriggle his way out of it with an excuse for everything! The thing that's annoying is he nearly has a genuine excuse for everything so then I don't have anything else to say, it's not like I can just repeat myself but in fairness I have been bringing up these certain issues numerous times over the last year.

I told him he is wearing me down and I find his behavior exhausting.. I just said that I can't be his mammy and girlfriend and I refuse to be anyway. When I mentioned to him about the fact that his mam is unhappy aswell (which he is WELL aware of) he just turned it around on her and said she's a physco??

I think he is just absolutely comfy playing a teen and getting everything handed to him. He did acknowledge his behavior on the phone and just apologised but I've heard it all before and all I can think is when will be the next argument because he's gone and done the same thing again and again.

Was chatting to my mam about it all and she thinks I should just make myself unavailable to him in future, give him time to think and she told me not to invest as much into this relationship as I have been. Which I think is madness because this is a relationship? How can I just not care anymore? I told him on the phone that I would go to the end of the earth for him and I just feel like those feelings aren't reciprocated. I said I don't feel like he makes me a priority and that I have always, always made him mine, but that I won't be doing that anymore. If he can't see what he has right in front of him within the next few weeks, then me thinks it's crunch time unfortunately

Thing is, he's a great guy and this has real potential - but he just doesnt bother his hole! I can't change that

heretochat · 25-09-2013 4:18pm

OP here! wrote: »

Thing is, he's a great guy and this has real potential - but he just doesnt bother his hole! I can't change that

To me this is a serious contradiction... And if it is taking this much out of you, the time will come where you have to ask whether it is really all worth the hassle. rekationships are meant to be fun, a partnership.. From what you say, you are the only one putting anything into this.

LegacyUser · 25-09-2013 10:46pm

Your 26 and you have been in a relationship for 3 years.

At the moment your going out with a 26 year old man who is living at home.
He is making no effort to wash himself and hardly shaves. He never charges his phone which means you can't contact him. You have also told us that every time you arange to meet him that his brother/freinds are there so you hardly spend any time alone
His mother has told you that he does not even put his clothes in the laudry basket at home or makes no effort to do anything in the house.

Ask yourself where do you see your and his relationship going in the next few years.
Most couples of your age that have been together for 3 years are planning to live together and or are talking about what they want in the future. Your boyfreind is making no effort with you and for you in so many regards. At his age if he is still living at home he should be helping his mother out and not calling her pysco. If he is not happy at home what is stoping him moving out?

My advice is than unless he starts making some serious effort with you ie charging his phone, washing himself, shaving and spending time alone with you within the next month I would tell him it is over. He knows that you are not happy at the moment but if he wants a relationship he has to make an effort and has to show you that he is begining to grow up.
At 26 you have to consider what you want in the future ie if marriage/children ect are important to you. If they are you need to meet someone who wants the same and not to stay with someone who is making no effort to grew up or to move your relationship on.

nkay1985 · 26-09-2013 12:26am

Hi OP. Does your boyfriend work? I would have thought something as basic as regularly washing yourself would be a requirement for a job.

It really sounds like he's in a rut. If he is unemployed, this is probably feeding into it.

You brought it up with him again but he "wriggled his way out of it" again. I think the sentence you used above, "If he can't see what he has right in front of him within the next few weeks, then me thinks it's crunch time unfortunately

" is one that needs to be said to him. Lay it all on the line and see whether he makes a change. If not, I fear for the future of your relationship.

LegacyUser · 26-09-2013 9:37am

Again thank you to anyone taking the time to reply.

In answer to some questions:

He is just in his 2nd week of college full time. He was working in an office for the last 2 years and he HATED it. He asked me before he made the decision to go back to college full time if I was ok with it. I told him I would be behind him 100% and I really mean that. I would go to any length to support him. He had said originally that he was scared of going back and didn't know if it was the right thing to do. He said that he wants us to have a nice secure life in future with him making good money in a good career, he said the thought of us struggling through life is not something he wishes for.

So I backed him 100% and he seems to be getting on ok, he's only doing one half day a week now in his job so he makes very little which I know must be hard for him, but he was still able to go out and celebrate for 2 days this week when Dubs won Sam so he obviously isn't that much in a rut!!

Saw him last night and I was still upset from not speaking for 3 days and also our fiery argument on the phone yesterday. I just said to him to always remember what he has right in front of him and again he seems perplexed at me saying that. I just said look you know you have a really good gf right here in front of you and you really really need to make more of an effort with me, how would you feel one day when I'm gone after having enough of this bullsh*t? Again he reassures me that he knows exactly what he has and that is going to make an effort to look after himself more and to keep on top of his room and help around the house. I suppose I made him feel guilty cos I said his parents are old, health not great and that it's an absolute disgrace that they still pick up after him, and to think again if he assumes I'll be doing that in the future for him!

I also told him I would be unavailable to see him for the next 5 days as I have made plans and he seemed a bit off with that, I've always been available to him and I think that has been a major problem because he knows I'm there so he doesn't feel any obligation to see me? I think that's the issue anyway! So I made a point of saying that I will no longer be there at the drop of a hat and that I have my own life and friends outside of this relationship. Think that hit home for him then..

I really have to say folks I still don't feel great about the situation at all. I guess maybe my gut instinct is telling me to prepare myself for the inevitable, the fact that he won't change his ways

such a pity because I love him so much. I think I should just be positive for the next month and see how it goes. Personally I cannot continue being unhappy, why would I punish myself like that!

heretochat · 26-09-2013 10:21am

OP again! wrote: »

Again thank you to anyone taking the time to reply.

In answer to some questions:

He is just in his 2nd week of college full time. He was working in an office for the last 2 years and he HATED it. He asked me before he made the decision to go back to college full time if I was ok with it. I told him I would be behind him 100% and I really mean that. I would go to any length to support him. He had said originally that he was scared of going back and didn't know if it was the right thing to do. He said that he wants us to have a nice secure life in future with him making good money in a good career, he said the thought of us struggling through life is not something he wishes for.

So I backed him 100% and he seems to be getting on ok, he's only doing one half day a week now in his job so he makes very little which I know must be hard for him, but he was still able to go out and celebrate for 2 days this week when Dubs won Sam so he obviously isn't that much in a rut!!

Saw him last night and I was still upset from not speaking for 3 days and also our fiery argument on the phone yesterday. I just said to him to always remember what he has right in front of him and again he seems perplexed at me saying that. I just said look you know you have a really good gf right here in front of you and you really really need to make more of an effort with me, how would you feel one day when I'm gone after having enough of this bullsh*t? Again he reassures me that he knows exactly what he has and that is going to make an effort to look after himself more and to keep on top of his room and help around the house. I suppose I made him feel guilty cos I said his parents are old, health not great and that it's an absolute disgrace that they still pick up after him, and to think again if he assumes I'll be doing that in the future for him!

I also told him I would be unavailable to see him for the next 5 days as I have made plans and he seemed a bit off with that, I've always been available to him and I think that has been a major problem because he knows I'm there so he doesn't feel any obligation to see me? I think that's the issue anyway! So I made a point of saying that I will no longer be there at the drop of a hat and that I have my own life and friends outside of this relationship. Think that hit home for him then..

I really have to say folks I still don't feel great about the situation at all. I guess maybe my gut instinct is telling me to prepare myself for the inevitable, the fact that he won't change his ways such a pity because I love him so much. I think I should just be positive for the next month and see how it goes. Personally I cannot continue being unhappy, why would I punish myself like that!

Alarm bells for me again. You come across as desperately unhappy in the relationship and that cannot bode well for its long term viability. As I said before a happy relationship should not be a chore with one partner so unhappy.

You also said he has no money but could go out drinking two days in a row.. He really seems to just suit himself from what I can see.

LegacyUser · 26-09-2013 10:34am

heretochat wrote: »

Alarm bells for me again. You come across as desperately unhappy in the relationship and that cannot bode well for its long term viability. As I said before a happy relationship should not be a chore with one partner so unhappy.

You also said he has no money but could go out drinking two days in a row.. He really seems to just suit himself from what I can see.

Yes I agree, he really doesn't hold back sometimes when he wants to have a good time. I was p*ssed because he only invited me out to celebrate at the last minute and I was unable to go, which I wasn't too pushed on anyway because he again went out with all of the younger crowd and as I've said, I'm no babysitter! He knew I was annoyed about that and he apologised but it's not the first time it's happened. I'm losing a massive amount of patience because my bday is coming up and we have a room booked in a hotel which is costly and if he thinks ill be paying for it myself he can f*ck right off. Especially with him going out drinking on his low wage. I said I would support his decision to go back to college but I sure as hell won't be supporting his wallet.

The more I write here and the more comments I read actually has my stomach in knots. I seem to be in denial about ending this relationship but I just don't give up easily

I know if I was to end it I would be so devastated and he would probably float around without a care in the world... That is a bit dramatic but from his actions lately that's how these negative thoughts are creeping in

I really feel sh*t folks, don't know how I'm gonna deal with all this crap!

heretochat · 26-09-2013 11:12am

Op again! wrote: »

Yes I agree, he really doesn't hold back sometimes when he wants to have a good time. I was p*ssed because he only invited me out to celebrate at the last minute and I was unable to go, which I wasn't too pushed on anyway because he again went out with all of the younger crowd and as I've said, I'm no babysitter! He knew I was annoyed about that and he apologised but it's not the first time it's happened. I'm losing a massive amount of patience because my bday is coming up and we have a room booked in a hotel which is costly and if he thinks ill be paying for it myself he can f*ck right off. Especially with him going out drinking on his low wage. I said I would support his decision to go back to college but I sure as hell won't be supporting his wallet.

The more I write here and the more comments I read actually has my stomach in knots. I seem to be in denial about ending this relationship but I just don't give up easily I know if I was to end it I would be so devastated and he would probably float around without a care in the world... That is a bit dramatic but from his actions lately that's how these negative thoughts are creeping in I really feel sh*t folks, don't know how I'm gonna deal with all this crap!

Bold 1: I would suggest he didn't want you there, hence the late invite..
Bold 2: Shows his complete lack of consideration towards you
Bold 3: Strong sentiments towards someone you claim to be in love with
Bold 4: You shouldn't feel like this in a relationship
Bold 5: You are probably right as he seems to care about no-one but himself
Bold 6: See Bold 4

LegacyUser · 26-09-2013 11:16am

heretochat wrote: »

Bold 1: I would suggest he didn't want you there, hence the late invite..
Bold 2: Shows his complete lack of consideration towards you
Bold 3: Strong sentiments towards someone you claim to be in love with
Bold 4: You shouldn't feel like this in a relationship
Bold 5: You are probably right as he seems to care about no-one but himself
Bold 6: See Bold 4

I have quite a lot to think about.. Thanks a lot for your input I really appreciate having some outside perspective!

This is will have to be sorted once and for all. I'm going to have another chat with him later and will let you know how I get on!

beks101 · 26-09-2013 6:06pm

Let him know how serious all of this is to you. As it is he seems to think he's "getting away with it" - as both yourself and his mother are fed up with him and yet his mother hasn't kicked him out and you haven't broken up with him.

Spell out all the issues with him again and tell him it's shape up or ship out. Make it clear to him in no uncertain terms that as he is now, he is holding you back, making you miserable and you don't have a future with him unless he grows up and cops on.

I would suggest backing off then, letting him chew on that and giving yourself some space to allow him to either get himself together and fight for your relationship, or let it die. You shouldn't have to do all the chasing, calling, texting etc but I think in a way you've been a martyr to him, as has his mother. And that hasn't helped the situation.

That's it - one final talk, cards on the table, if he keeps this up you're gone - and back off. You have to maintain some semblance of self preservation in all of this and I think that's a fair way of giving him every chance to man up and fix things.

Animord · 26-09-2013 9:03pm

Some quite harsh replies here. From your original post my first thought was, he is suffering from if not depression, certainly going that way. Failure to wash is a great indication of that. Hope your chat goes okay tonight. But be aware that if he is suffering from depression then he wont be able to do the stuff you want.

LegacyUser · 27-09-2013 9:49am

Hi Beks thanks for your post and believe it or not that is exactly what I plan to do.

I spent a good 4 hours last night mulling it over and I've come up with the following plan.

Will sit him down, explain that unfortunately I need a man in my life, and right now he is still acting like a boy and it's starting to chip away at my attraction to him - I know that will probably cut him deep but doesn't he need a wake up call?
I am also going to say that I am giving this relationship 6 weeks to improve and within those 6 weeks I will be off living my own life, not there at the drop of a hat when it suits him. I won't be staying with him at the weekend because I've stayed there every weekend for I don't know how long, so he needs time without me, time to miss me. Time to remember what I am to him and time to think of how he feels when I'm not there. I think this will help the wake up call folks, I've just been to easy and accessible to him - not anymore.

I can already see that he's feeling put out by my busy weeks ahead and the fact that I'm turning him down now when he asks do I want to call down. I honestly need to start being a bit selfish and think of ME for once. I am going through a crisis in other aspects of my life and I need to sort it out. So maybe this little break doing my own thing will be good.

To poster above - yes you are right he does slip into a bout of depression every now and then. And he is prone to it like myself. I have thought about those facts many times, but if that is what's wrong then he needs help, and only he can do that for himself. I have gotten myself help for depression and have advised him, but if he's just happy to sit in a rut playing GTA V with a load of 20 year olds - so be it. I have offered help but I can't force him to take it.

What can I do to save my relationship

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