Was that a deal breaker???

pavlichenko

Not long ago i met a girl who was very attracted to me - she wanted my number and started texting me, we started dating for a month - everything great. Im lacking experience with girls, so I was not very aggressive during that time (never made a move on her sexually, but i kissed her, held hands, made out regularly). So she texted 2 mutual friends and asked behind my back if i ever had a girlfriend. He refused to reply but told me. I was kinda irritated since she didnt ask me in person, so i texted her 'next time you want to ask me/know something about me, ask me in person not via other people'. (I regret that since it would be much much better to tell her in person).

Next day (date) i brought it up and told her i m not mad at her but dont like things like that. So i told her she can ask me now. She did and i told her i have never had a serious relationship - im 25, and that i have never had feelings for any girl i have been sexual with. She was quiet after that and then i told her i have never had a gf because i was too busy (which is true plus i have never met any one special) because i was studying plus i was athlete. From then on, i felt everything was different - she didnt text me as often as before and i just felt something is not the way it was - she was distant.

So 2 weeks later she texted me AFTER the date (she gave me just one kiss after and left quickly - normally we made out after a date), that she is not ready for somethings serious. I found out she tried to get back with her ex - happened to me again (they were together 4 years and she left him because he was neglecting/ignoring/cheating her and was a 'bad boy' 6 months ago). So im wondering was my inexperience a deal breaker for her in your opinion and that was the reason she missed her ex and try to get back with him. She was very very into me/eager to see me (texting good night everyday, telling me she cant wait to see me, asking me if im falling in love...) before that topic about my past experiences came up. Im often too honest but i would lie if i could about that, but since we have some mutual friends from before that was not an option.

Well .. few things.

You come across as far too aggressive. She went behind your back to ask questions.. this wasn't necessarily anything bad, because she'd rather see what she was getting herself into. It's understandable and maybe she didn't feel like she knew you well enough or was close enough to you to ask you something kinda personal. You came across as very aggressive in the text message you quoted and that would have been a huge red flag for me. Especially to then bring it up the next day to tell her you're not mad? To her, it was probably something small and you blew it up.

You said that you were too busy. Again, another bad sign. If I were her, as soon as you had said that I'd be thinking, "well, does that mean you're too busy for me? And if that were the case, is there any point?"

I really don't think it was your inexperience that was the deal breaker per se, but more so how you conduct yourself.

ManOfMystery

Have to say I completely disagree with Boneyarsebogman. I don't see anything aggressive about your manner or text at all.

If I was going out with someone, and they went behind my back to ask mutual friends details about my dating history, I'd be pretty irritated by it - and I would probably have responded with something similar to yourself, and ask her to talk to ME in future if she wants to know something about me. Sneaking around is pretty immature.

My take on the whole thing is that your relative 'inexperience' doesn't really matter much at all. She only found out about that when she was already a few weeks into the relationship. By that stage, she will have known whether she liked you enough to continue regardless of your experience. IMO she was probably never that into the relationship and has been keeping you on the side as a safety net whilst she decided whether or not to pursue things with her ex. I don't think there's anything you could have done really.

pavlichenko

more opinions please

Potatoeman

The redflag might have been saying you slept with women you had no emotional contection with. Some people that may even date alot look down on the whole one night stands.
That said if she was with that guy for years you are not going to replace him overnight. She may just have got back with him and its nothing that youve done.

judgefudge

I'd be appalled if someone I was seeing text my mates and asked them that. Jesus talk about crossing boundaries.

Nothing wrong with having no relationship experience at 25 (I'm female, same age, know plenty of guys my age who have been single a long time). I admire someone who'd rather wait for someone special. There's too many people who jump into relationships just because they haven't had one before.

Anyway, sounds like she's a head wrecker. I seriously doubt the fact that you had no relationship experience would be the reason she split with you. If it is then she's mad. It sounds like she just wanted to get back with her ex to be honest.

Another thing that stuck out was that you said you hadn't been very aggressive sexually. Maybe that led her to think you weren't that into her? You may have seemed disinterested?

lmos

I think she just isnt that into you. You say she was initially, but we've all been in the position, where interest has wained. Its also not a good sign that she's trying to re connect with her ex. It would seem she is not over him, and possibly was looking for a someone to fill the gap?? Sorry if that sounds harsh...I think you should move on...

beks101

Agree with first reply - no offence, but from what you've said from your post, you sound like you were about as charming as a wet fish in the early stages of dating when things are usually light and flirtatious in tone.

I get that she went behind your back - immature - but that text sounds a bit intimidating, serious, like a teacher giving out to a pupil. If it were me it could probably bring me from "I like this guy" to "Jesus, he's a bit intense and humourless, not sure I want to be around him".

What you should have done is waited til your next date and then brought it up in a casual, light kind of manner..."so, I was talking to X, he told me you were doing a background check on me "

Lack of relationship experience is a non issue IMO.

tinkerbell

Agree with the above. OP, you shot yourself in the foot here - you were way too aggressive and I don't blame the girl for running a mile.

I'm actually quite shocked she even went out on a date with you after you sent that text.

pavlichenko

We were on about 7 dates and she mentioned her ex every other date during conversation (no long talk, just mentioned him here and there...) i was quiet irritated but I said to myself its not a big deal since she was so into me...

When we end it, I asked her why she doesnt want to be with me and she said she was very depressed after break up and she didnt even realized she can feel something towards anyone until she met me and that she was having a great time (first 4 dates were great and i know she liked me because she always sent a massage after a date and was looking forward to meet me next time - but that stopped after i sent that massage) with me but as soon as she realized she can actually catch deep feeling for me, she felt guilty regarding her ex so she tried to save what she had with him... Of course i dont believe anything from girls mouth anymore (bad experiences, they lie and have flaky excuses so much it hurts, they tell you anything but the truth). She also said she is not kind of girl to have sex without emotion involved...jada jada. In my opinion i fu.c.ked up the moment i sent that massage...
next thing i heard from mutual friend she already has FWB after few weeks... so she is not back with her ex...

Big Bag of Chips

You keep saying she was "so into" you, but don't mention anything about being into her...

Maybe she picked up on that?

Did you expect her to keep hanging around hoping you'd eventually like her? When you sent that text (and like it or not, it would have read as quite aggressive) she probably felt at that point that it wasn't worth hanging around much longer.

I do think inexperience played a part in this. But not lack of experience in relationships - just lack of experience with dealing with girls in general.

pavlichenko

i showed affection everytime we were on a date. I also asked her on a date majority of time. if that doesnt show interest?
We went on 2 dates durin a day - a walk in the park, holding hands, kissing... So if i dont f..k them then i seem uninterested?
Looks like Im even worse at relationships that i thought...

There are also ppl who would say, dont show too much interest too soon, some girls like chasing... playing games...

Big Bag of Chips

There's more to showing a girl you're interested than holding hands and kissing.

To be honest OP, your whole attitude comes across as quite aggressive, how you speak and how you explain a situation.

That might be something you need to work on. If this girl seemed interested in you, then something about you turned her off... And I doubt it was the fact that you hadn't had many girlfriends.