Advice

LegacyUser

Just need another opinion on this...

Met my boyfriend 2 and half years ago, he insisted on moving into my place after 6 months, i was okay about this but we didn't have a discussion about money, i.e rent, bills etc. I just presumed everything would be split, i was happy as it would take some financial pressure from me (I earn an average wage). At the time things in his job weren't going great and slowly went down hill to the point that at times he was earning less than the dole. He went through phases of not doing a whole lot to look for another job to finally taking over the business that he was a director in so he would have total control, this has happened fairly recently so he reckons things will slowly get better. Meanwhile, i have been looking after 95% of the bills for the last 2 years. I am at the stage where sometimes i just feel so resentful as the one thing i didn't want was to have someone dependent on me as i'm just not in a position for this and now this is the case. What i know logically is that its important in a relationship that you support one another and be there in times like this so i'm trying my best to focus on this. Its just been like this from day one and its really putting a strain on us.

The problem i suppose is his attitude, i loaned him (from my savings) a large amount of money so he could pay a debt (am in no rush for this back) and a few months ago he said when things start getting better for him financially he would start paying me back this debt and then after this he would contribute towards rent and bills, i got really upset at this as it seems to me like taking the piss and then last week in front of his friends he accused me of just wanting him to pay half my mortgage. Again, i was upset at this and explained that i just want him to contribute 50/50. Now, he has a mortgage himself but his house is being rented so he has no other large bills.

I sometimes feel like his mother, and he seems to have this sense of entitlement, if the shoe was on the other foot i would try my best to hand something up.I always have to tell him when a bill comes in and i hate doing this but he never offers first. I know he is under alot of pressure and he does work hard but never seems to come out with any money at the end of it. I do love him but i'm worried that down the line the resentment will overcome any love i have and i'm not sure how to deal with this. I have tried to speak to him but anytime i bring it up it ends up in an argument, he seems to just want to put his head in the sand.

Would love other people's opinions on this.

Czarcasm

Problem wrote: »

I sometimes feel like his mother, and he seems to have this sense of entitlement, if the shoe was on the other foot i would try my best to hand something up. I always have to tell him when a bill comes in and i hate doing this but he never offers first. I know he is under alot of pressure and he does work hard but never seems to come out with any money at the end of it. I do love him but i'm worried that down the line the resentment will overcome any love i have and i'm not sure how to deal with this. I have tried to speak to him but anytime i bring it up it ends up in an argument, he seems to just want to put his head in the sand.

Would love other people's opinions on this.

OP he's DEFINITELY burying his head in the sand, and dragging you down with him. He works hard in a business that's dead in the water, and then takes over said business and still can't turn it around, yet refuses to wrap up the business.

He has a white elephant of a house that's probably in negative equity, yet he doesn't seem to want to review the rent or look at his financial outgoings to see could anything be done to improve the situation, instead choosing to borrow more money off you to throw at the problem.

It's just my opinion but I think he likes the idea of status, and hasn't a notion about financial management. It's also possible he resents the fact that you're able to manage your finances efficiently while he's struggling, when he "feels" he "should" be seeing a better return for all the money he's effectively pissed down the drain invested in his house and the business.

His comment about you just wanting him to help pay with your mortgage will tell you how all he thinks about is status and money, his attitude is all wrong tbh, and it's going to continue to get him nowhere, and if you stay with him, that's exactly where you'll end up too.

MagicMarker

How in the name of God have you put up with this for two years?

This guy is a leach, and he has you exactly where he wants you. How can you have any respect for someone who clearly has none for you or himself by the sounds of it.

Get rid.

Merkin

Your 'boyfriend' is a user and a sponger.Have you got it in writing that he owes you money?I hope so.You're being taken for an absolute fool. Have him set up a direct debit for what he owes and dump him asap.

LegacyUser

I am sorry to tell you that this man is just using you.

He says in front of his friends that you only want him in your life so he can pay half of your mortgage. This man is nothing but a user - he is living rent/mortgage and bill free due to you paying for everything for the past 2 years. He has borrowed a large sum of money from you and he is making no effort to pay this back.

I would talk to a solicitor and explain to the them that your boyfreind moved into the home you own with a mortage that is just in your name 2 years ago. Tell your solicitor that your boyfriend has paid nothing towards the bills or mortage since then. You need to make sure that your boyfriend has can't make a claim against you for the mortage or bills he so called paid. I would also get legal advice in regards to the sum of money you give your boyfriend and how you would go about getting this back.

Once you do this I would get a few of your freinds around to your house as witness.
I would then tell your boyfriend that your so called relationship is over that and that you want him to move out of your home.
He is to worried about status and money and how he appears in front of his freinds to make the changes he needs in his life. Also he expects you to keep supporting him so he looks good in front of his friends.
As the previous post said that this man is continuing to go nowhere and long term you will end up going the same way.

Frank Black

OP, you haven't mentioned that he spends money on other stuff as opposed to paying for bills. In fact you seem to imply that he hasn't really any spare money at all.

If this is the case, what exactly are you expecting from him?

It sounds like your resentful of the fact that your in a relationship with someone who isn't earning enough money. You don't mention that you've any particular feelings for him.

Doesn't sound like a particularly strong relationship to me.

Czarcasm

Frank Black wrote: »

OP, you haven't mentioned that he spends money on other stuff as opposed to paying for bills. In fact you seem to imply that he hasn't really any spare money at all.

If this is the case, what exactly are you expecting from him?

Frank you need to go back and read the OP -

Problem wrote: »

last week in front of his friends he accused me of just wanting him to pay half my mortgage. Again, i was upset at this and explained that i just want him to contribute 50/50. Now, he has a mortgage himself but his house is being rented so he has no other large bills.

I sometimes feel like his mother, and he seems to have this sense of entitlement, if the shoe was on the other foot i would try my best to hand something up.I always have to tell him when a bill comes in and i hate doing this but he never offers first.

Frank Black wrote: »

It sounds like your resentful of the fact that your in a relationship with someone who isn't earning enough money. You don't mention that you've any particular feelings for him.

Missed a whole paragraph there Frank -

Problem wrote: »

I know he is under alot of pressure and he does work hard but never seems to come out with any money at the end of it. I do love him but i'm worried that down the line the resentment will overcome any love i have and i'm not sure how to deal with this.

Frank Black wrote: »

Doesn't sound like a particularly strong relationship to me.

Not least because you're trying to put all the blame on the OP instead of reading what's actually written -

Problem wrote: »

I have tried to speak to him but anytime i bring it up it ends up in an argument, he seems to just want to put his head in the sand.