Brother in Law Woes

LegacyUser

My brother in law is a nasty piece of work. He lives and works away during the week, but comes home to his mother at the weekends. He's 36, his Mother (my husband's mother) lives next door to us. There isn't a week that goes by that he doesn't cause some kind of drama or hassle, from something being moved, to his room door being touched, to him being tired from driving, etc. As a result, no family members will go to the Mum's house at the weekend. He's controlling and has ran the girls on more than one occasion. His mother will not stand up to him despite numerous family members trying to stand behind her, she will always pick him and take his side even though he speaks to her like she's a dog.

This weekend, he had his daughter down for the day on Sunday (he only sees her at weekends), and as much as I can't stand him, I'd never stop my son seeing his cousin. I let my boy (10) down to play with her (6). I happened to look out the window and saw my brother in law grab my son on the shoulder, point his finger into his face, and roar at him. I saw red and roared for the child to come inside. My husband heard the commotion and he and his brother had a shouting match across the fences. I managed to calm my husband down, and his brother went off to work for the week again this morning.

My son goes down to see his Granny every day after school. He went down today and came back up in tears, saying she chastized him for causing trouble yesterday with his Uncle and that he wasn't setting a very good example for younger members of the family.

I am livid, my husband is livid, is there any way to solve this bar just leaving her to lie in the bed that she has made for herself? I hate conflict and friction and it's just all leaving an incredibly bad taste in my mouth.

CaraMay

So what actually happened between the kids?

freshpopcorn

Maybe your son misbehaved and your brother in law felt the need to discipline him. Letting a child misbehave/do something dangerous that could have effected his daughter he might have felt the need to yell at your son so he wouldn't do it again.

Meauldsegosha

Did you or your husband speak to your brother(in law) or did you both just roar and shout at him. Did you ask your son what happened or even your mother in law?

deisemum

Is your MIL afraid of him?

I suggest reading up on elder abuse which is a major cause of concern here in Ireland as it's a growing problem and see if it's a possibility.

jimmycrackcorm

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Maybe your son misbehaved and your brother in law felt the need to discipline him. Letting a child misbehave/do something dangerous that could have effected his daughter he might have felt the need to yell at your son so he wouldn't do it again.

Then the brother in law should have come to the boys parents instead of bullying him.

OP, your husband should take up with his mother about what she said to the child. He's only a child and the trouble is about the BIL bullying.

freshpopcorn

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Then the brother in law should have come to the boys parents instead of bullying him.

OP, your husband should take up with his mother about what she said to the child. He's only a child and the trouble is about the BIL bullying.

If a child does something dangerous that could effect your own child safety it could be easy to snap and tell them not do it again because you care about the safety of your own child first.

johnnyskeleton

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Then the brother in law should have come to the boys parents instead of bullying him.

OP, your husband should take up with his mother about what she said to the child. He's only a child and the trouble is about the BIL bullying.

Are you really advocating a world where if children misbehave we don't even admonish them verbally?

Frank Black

johnnyskeleton wrote: »

Are you really advocating a world where if children misbehave we don't even admonish them verbally?

I guess grabbing a child by the shoulders, pointing a finger in his face while roaring at him is just a bit of verbal admonishment in your world so?

OP, I wouldn't let your child go into the house agian while your BIL is there - he sounds like a bully and I wouldn't trust my child around someone like that - let your kid's cousin come to your house in future.

freshpopcorn

Frank Black wrote: »

I guess grabbing a child by the shoulders, pointing a finger in his face while roaring at him is just a bit of verbal admonishment in your world so?

If the OP's child did something such as threw something that could have hit the brother in laws child's temple or was playing in a harmful way he might have just wanted to nip it in the bud fast and get the child to behave.

The OP doesn't state what actually happened so we don't know the full story.

Frank Black

freshpopcorn wrote: »

The OP doesn't state what actually happened so we don't know the full story.

Which makes your speculation into possible justifications to excuse such behaviour all the more amusing.

freshpopcorn

Frank Black wrote: »

Which makes your speculation into possible justifications to excuse such behaviour all the more amusing.

The OP doesn't state the full story, just that he disciplined the child that was under his supervision. She doesn't explain the situation of what the child did or did the brother in law just randomly give out to the child for no reason. She just says that she saw the brother in law giving out and her child and roared at the child to come in. She doesn't say did she see the whole event or did she even give the brother in law a chance to explain the situation in a calm and adult manner. Instead her husband had a verbal fight with him and normally having a load argument doesn't solve a problem it just makes them worse.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Sorry, I should have clarified what happened with the children - I sent my son down to play with his cousin in their Grandmother's house. My brother in law brought both children out on the tractor, and his child caught her fingers in the transport box (no blood, nothing serious). He blamed my son for not watching her and said it would be his fault if she had lost her fingers, and his fault if he was not allowed see her the following week. (She lives with her mother). That was the story I heard from both my son and his grandmother, she agreed that he should have been watching the younger child. It's not his responsibility to watch another child, he's 10 years of age, not a babysitter. Custody arrangements have also nothing to do with my child.

Also, nobody had given him permission to bring my son anywhere. I have told all his Aunts & Uncles under no circumstances let him away with bad manners or cheek, and have no problem with them chastizing him when he does wrong - but this situation was an accident and not his fault.

I do believe my mother in law is afraid of him. She will go to town specifically on a Friday to ensure that there is a fresh steak in the fridge for him when he comes home on Friday evening, and spends the day flapping to get clothes washed and dried in case he needs use of the washing machine.

It's hard to know what to do when I can't really DO anything, but I will read up on elder abuse, he was verbally abusive to his father before he passed away and I have a strong feeling he may be doing the same to his mother - I cannot fathom why she will not tell us though, she has 5 other children and several sons/daughters in law who could help her. It's like a black cloud descends over the whole family on a Friday and doesn't clear until he goes away on a Monday morning.

freshpopcorn

The situation with the children sounds messy and he over reacted because he thought his child could have being injured seriously. He might have over reacted in the heat of the moment because of caring for his daughter as did you when you roared for your son to come inside.
How do you know the mother in law is afraid of him tough?
Ye live beside him and she sees ye everyday nearly?
She might like her other son coming home at the weekends and getting steak in for him and make sure he can use the washing machine. Maybe he's her pet and she wants him to keep on coming home!
Sometimes parents give an adult child more attention than others because they might only see them the odd time and she might also the mother might feel he does have issues and she doesn't want to lock him out because she loves him because she her son/ she might think it's her fault he has these issues.
All you can do is talk your mother in law that you are their for her and if she ever needs help she can call ye at any time. If you don't trust him with your son. Just don't leave your son up to his grannies house at the weekend.

Tramps Like Us

I'm not excusing how your brother in law acted but from the sounds of it he

1. Got a fright that his daughter was hurt

2. This was compounded by the fact that it seems he is separated and may have custody/visitation issues where the fact she was hurt might not allow him to see his daughter the next week

This doesnt excuse his angry reaction but adds context to it - perhaps when he calmed down he might realise that he was wrong. This is probably unlikely now because when things like this go further as they have with a shouting match neither side will admit that they were wrong when they might have before.

I know all too well about the situation with your MIL, my aunt and her husband are literally the most nasty, despicable people I know, they have put my grandad who is in his nineties through hell, abused him, bullied him, took him out of the nursing home for days and neglected to take his medication and refused to go get it for him when he realized that he didn't have it, forced him to give them huge sums of money, horribly abused my father who had cancer at the time making him leave the nursing home in tears, I lost the plot after this and confronted my aunts husband to remind him that my dad was seriously ill and was told that he hoped he would die, I grabbed him by his collar and told him to shut up and if he said it again he's be in trouble, like all bullies he crapped himself, he then went to the guards and when they laughed at him he went to his solicitor and is now trying to sue me for all kinds of nonsense. Anyway to get to the point, no matter what they did my grandad would never stand up to them and nearly always chooses them over my Dad even though he and his brothers do everything for my grandad, visit him every day, buy stuff for him, look after his bills, everything, yet he thinks the sun shines out of his daughters ass.

I was really angry with him at the time because I assumed that when he heard his son in law say that he hoped his very ill ELDEST SON would die to his grandson (and I am close to him I lived/looked after him before he had to go into the home) that he would not be able to bury his head in the sand any more but that wasnt the case. The fact is that he is bullied and afraid to stand up to them, recently he has tried by telling the nursing home not to answer any calls from them but this is pretty much only after the nursing home banned my aunts son from the nursing home for what he said to me and my dad so he has had some time away from them to think but even still all this has made him depressed and damaged his health. Some old people in my experience are very vulnerable, (my Gran was always the tough one she would have killed her daughter and her husband I'm sure were she alive) and you can't be too tough on them especially when it comes to their kids, they just dont want to face reality that their little boy or girl is a grade A wanker.

My advice would be to accept that life is very short and not to blame the granny or to put her in a position to choose, as this will be an impossible position for her, as she has been bullied and cant think clearly. I'm afraid that there is not much you can really do, and what my dad has gone through in terms of being rejected even though he is the "good son" really isn't worth it.

But thats if she is being bullied - the washing/dinner thing sounds typical mammy to me tbh, mine does things like that even though I tell her not to. But you know more than me.

washiskin

It sounds like he has gotten away with being a bully so long that he feels he has carte blanche to treat you all as he sees fit. It's bad enough heaping a 10 year old child with his hang-ups but to put his mother in a position that she feels she has to defend his rotten behaviour is outrageous :mad:
It's time the your husband & the other family members get together and try to talk to her during the week about his appalling attitude and hope she sees sense. They will need to be rock solid united though. It really does sound like she is afraid of him. He obviously thinks he has the right to behave as he sees fit in her home and as long as she lets him away with it he will do just that.
Maybe telling him to stay in his weekly lodgings and not return home for a few weeks will cool his jets - maybe if it's put to him as "a break for mam".

But you & your husband also have the right to tell him where to get off for guilting your little boy like he was an adult - talk about a lousy thing to do!!

Bullies take time to back down but the key is to get your mother-in-law to realise she has the right to a decent quality of life in her own home and he's doing nothing but taking that away from her. I really hope things work out for you.

freshpopcorn

washiskin wrote: »

Bullies take time to back down but the key is to get your mother-in-law to realise she has the right to a decent quality of life in her own home and he's doing nothing but taking that away from her. I really hope things work out for you.

How is he bullying the mother tough?
By the sounds of it the mother might only get to see this son at the weekends and she might just like giving a bit of special attention such as getting steak in for his dinner and making sure the washing machine is free. A lot of mothers loving mammying their children like this even when their in their 20's/30's. Whilst she sees her other son/daughter in law a lot because their neighbours.

washiskin

freshpopcorn wrote: »

How is he bullying the mother tough?
By the sounds of it the mother might only get to see this son at the weekends and she might just like giving a bit of special attention such as getting steak in for his dinner and making sure the washing machine is free. A lot of mothers loving mammying their children like this even when their in their 20's/30's. Whilst she sees her other son/daughter in law a lot because their neighbours.

Read the first paragraph of the OP's post.... causing drama over the door of his room being touched? Running her daughters out of her house? This fella wants his own way or no way.

I don't remember my mother-in-law going to any special lengths for my man at the weekends - if the washing machine was busy, stiff biccies! There's a laundrette down the street. Don't like what she made for the Friday tea? Tough sh1t, call the Chinese. The bottom line was that was her home and he didn't have to come home to visit on the weekends if he didn't like the way she ran it.

freshpopcorn

washiskin wrote: »

Read the first paragraph of the OP's post.... causing drama over the door of his room being touched? Running her daughters out of her house? This fella wants his own way or no way.

I don't remember my mother-in-law going to any special lengths for my man at the weekends - if the washing machine was busy, stiff biccies! There's a laundrette down the street. Don't like what she made for the Friday tea? Tough sh1t, call the Chinese. The bottom line was that was her home and he didn't have to come home to visit on the weekends if he didn't like the way she ran it.

The guy might just be a bit grumpy and like a bit of piece and quite at the weekend when he is at home from work.
As for running the daughters from the house I can't answer this but it's the mothers house so she left them leave.
When my brother used come home to my mam when he was in his early/mid twenties my mam used always make sure to have the washing machine free because she has the washing machine all week and my brother didn't so she used make sure that he could use it on a Friday evening. So he could do his washing and have it ready for the week. She saw no point of him paying money to go to a launderette when she had a washing machine at home.
Also, she knows he likes steak, getting a piece of steak for your son's dinner is not him abusing you. I know if I am cooking for a relative I would try and get what they liked to eat. Their's no point of going to the shop and getting something they wouldn't like.
These kind of things are done by many Irish mam's because they like to keep their children happy.

Calhoun

OP, Forget focusing on how your MIL treats your brother no doubt he is the eldest or as he is still living at home she likes to mother him. As other have suggested if you do feel she is being bullied advise her that you are there for her and leave it at that.

However i suspect that in this case he is the lame duck still living at home at 36 and she likes it just like this, i have an uncle like that still lives with his mother probably wont ever leave home and she likes it as its company. If you and the rest of the family have trouble with her favoritism its a two way street i wouldn't be rushing out to look after her in anyway, shes made her decision she can live with it while you all do your own thing.

I would however focus on your son, first off get over the whole i'd never stop him playing with his cousin thing. His grandmothers house seems to be a no-go area on the weekend but its hard to ban it just while the uncle is there, an all out avoidance maybe in order considering the behavior of the grandmother.

Did you say anything when she chastised him? I would have been right over and put her in her place, how dare she. Screw this whole argument of life is to short, no family member no matter how old they are ect has the right to treat people like crap. If anything your son is at a vulnerable age and life is to short to force him to be around people that are not good for him or old woman who are to scared to upset the apple cart so verbally chastise their grandchildren.

Xidu

A 36 year old man cant control his own temper and being nasty to his own mother who is always treating him as good as she can?! Blaming a child not watching his own daughter playing? Why himself did not stay there watch his own daughter? It's his responsibility.

He sounds like a person who is not happy with his life or job and just take it out on his families. If a person dont even treat his/her own mother good, then...

I dont think OP can do anything about him but just keep a distance.

Xidu

My youngest brother in law used to be rude to his mother when he was in his early 20s. Things like if his mother tidys his room, he will give out that he cant find his things and donot touch his room anymore. If his mother asks him several questions, he will say how can I answer so many questions in same time?

But since he moved out and started a job, he changed his attitude a lot and appreciates his mother more when he visits. I think when he started to iron his shirts and prepare lunch for work everyday, he realized what his mother used to do for him was not a easy job.