Confused

Curlywurlie

I think I'm nearing the end of a 6 yr relationship but I'm not sure if I can go through with it or not.
My partner and I have what I would call a toxic relationship. I don't think either of us have been happy for some time but not for the same reasons.
I think that my partner has a serious problem with alcohol, it has resulted in him verbally abusing me and very recently damaging my stuff in a drunken rage over thoughts that I would cheat on him (which I wouldn't do and haven't done). On top of the alcohol problem he has been become obsessive about politics and what the government is doing which makes him angry, depressed and downright nasty most of the time.
Things weren't always this way, so after the latest rage whereby he destroyed my things I felt compelled to try to work through things with him as we have a small child. Things were fine for a couple of days but this is literally day 3 and things have reverted to what they were like before so I've told him I made a mistake in giving him another chance.
The thing is, I'm scared about what the future holds for my child and I if I follow through and leave my partner. I'm worried that my partner won't help to support our child and that I will be forced to quit my job as I won't be able to afford the child care on my own. I am also scared to tell my family what has been going on for the past 3 years as I have also burned through a large inheritance during this time trying to keep our family afloat... Clearly I should have left sooner! But I'm also wondering what emotional impact it will have on our child. I'm worried that his dad will be a bad influence in his life and will let him down, only today he called our son an idiot and a fool. On top of all of this I live over 200km from my family and feel very isolated where I am. Any advice would be welcome, thanks

alias06

Have you thought of contacting a family law solicitor? He/she would be best able to advise you as to what your options will be.

How likely is that your partner will change? It would take a lot of honesty on his part and a willingness to go to counselling/ therapy and even then its a long road. Basically he has a problem with alcohol, depression and anger. These problems probably go back along way but are presenting a bigger and bigger problem in your relationship. Having a parent with these problems is damaging for kids so you are right to be worried about this.

If you are deciding to get out then I think you should tell your family. You won't know how supportive they are until you tell them. Then contact your solicitor so you can find out what you are entitled to in terms of maintenance for your child.

Neyite

A future without being called an idiot and a fool by your drunk father sounds like a great future for your child. Certainly better than the one he currently has.

You tried to fix it, it didn't work. There is no shame in that. And there is no shame in choosing to parent alone when the other parent is actually a liability to your child. You are not breaking up the family here. He and his preference for alcohol is doing that. So leave before your child (and you) are irreparably damaged by this man.

The inheritance is gone. Its only money. Your child is what is important. Think about moving nearer home for support, and see what kind of work you can get there. You might find that your family know more than you think and are just waiting for you to make the first move so they can help you - its what happened to me when I needed to get out of a bad relationship. I think you should work on the assumption that you wont get any kind of reliable maintenance from your partner, and if you do, its an added bonus.

He is physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. Women's Aid can help you as they have vast experience in this area if you want to stay in the area you are in now. But most importantly, for the sake of your child, leave.

scriba

Curlywurlie wrote: »

he called our son an idiot and a fool

Pathetic.

I agree with Neyite. Your child is what is most important here, and it is clear that this is not a healthy environment for your child to grow up in. I grew up in the exact same environment, and it has taken me a long time to even begin to overcome some of the issues from it. You cannot fix what isn't in your power to fix: his issues. But you do have a responsibility to protect your child above all else.

Well done on taking this first step towards action, and being brave. You now need to reach out and get help from your family, friends and anyone else. There is nothing to be ashamed of: life throws all sorts of scenarios at us which we wish could be different. It's how you deal with it that counts. Get advice from Women's Aid, and legal advice too. You deserve better, and so does your child. Don't be afraid: an uncertain future out of this relationship is a much better proposition than a certain future with an abusive partner. Good luck.

ladygirl

Curlywurlie wrote: »

only today he called our son an idiot and a fool.

After reading this my blood is boiling!! Please get our of this relationship ASAP!! Your role is to protect your son from this sort of abuse.. Money is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship and he is obliged by law to support his son financially..

What kind of life will you have after the breakup??? A Fantastic one!! A life where you and your son no longer live in fear or have to walk on eggshells..

Im not asking you to do this for yourself - Im asking you to do this for the little man in your life,, Bless him - he only has one childhood - dont leave some bully tarnish it..

Best of luck to you and your son OP..
xxxx

Troughthemill

Its hard to live with an addict my father was an alcoholic when I was young an he never hit me or anything but it was disastrous living with him.
He would tell me things no young child should know when drunk and the arguments with my mother were explosive and hugely traumatizing.
When they separated and he moved out life was a lot more peaceful and he is now sober and we have a great relationship.
He often tells me that the relationship he had with my mam was toxic and the separation was the kick in the goolies he needed to get his life together.
I think you should leave him, you can't be happy living like this. I have just come out of a 5 year relationship which I ended so I know how difficult it is to walk away from so long together but things will markedly improve when you are away from him and who knows perhaps he will be like my dad and this will be what it takes to make him see sense.
For the sake of you and your child I really hope so...Best of luck.

heretochat

Agree 100% with everyone else - protection of this child has to be a priority..

He smashed up your possessions this time, how do you know that next time he won't take his anger out on you, or even worse your child?

From what I can gather this type of abuse will only escalate unless you get the appropriate distance between you and your child and this "man"..

Go to family or friends for support and make your plans to get away from him ASAP