Missing the boat

Seadin

Hi there, I am in my late 20's and have issues finding a relationship with a woman. I was never in a long term relationship. I was very shy and insecure at a young age but slowly getting confidence but sometimes i am insecure also. Last few nights I have been out I have ended up meeting girls and kissing them and then it's over and nothing else. Tonight I met a girl who I liked and she said I was handsome but her personality was not my type and she wanted sex which I wasn't up for. We kissed and were with each other for the night and then we departed our own ways afterwards. Basically I can't get a second date with a girl simply because the interest isn't there with the girls I meet. Girls come onto me because of my looks but other parts of me let me down. I'm not a good kisser so it fcuks up my chances. I'm so depressed right now and thinking I could be single for the rest of my life not meeting a single girl that wants to be with me.


Advice appreciated. I am at an all time low right now.

Orlaw3136

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're completely normal - just more honest with yourself and others about sex than most men are. Kudos to you. A few random enough points come to mind.

1. You clearly have very attractive points about you, whether your looks or your manner or your personality. Almost certainly a combination of all three. This is proven by the fact that women are happy to engage with you.

2. You also have good self-esteem and make good decisions. I appreciate you feel like you have low self-esteem but in a counter-intuitive way, by declining to have sex with someone you didn't find attractive in that way, you're showing that you respect yourself (and others by way of an aside).

3. If your 'shyness' (lets call it that) was preventing you from getting out there and meeting potential partners, then we might think of that as a real problem, but it clearly isn't. Your manner is just part of you, which as I say above is clearly quite an attractive you.

4. In reality, the issue therefore is that you feel that you are not meeting people who you see as being likely or possible long term partners. Maybe look at the way you socialise in this regard - is it the bar/nightclub scene ? It's notoriously difficult to make any real connection in that environment, for everyone, not just you. There are lots of other things you can do - sports & leisure activities, intellectual stuff, etc. etc. etc.

5. The last part of your post (expressing fear that you'll be alone because no one wants to be with you) expresses the self-contradiction I mentioned above. Clearly, even on your own account, girls do want to be with you. It's just that you havn't met the right girl or girls for you.

6. The kissing thing. I absolutely 100% categorically guarantee you that this is not an actual problem or a real issue. In a very real but often ignored way, kissing is, like sex, an intimacy. You shouldn't expect that it will feel wonderful if you do not wish to be physically intimate with the person you're kissing.

(let me pause and say that some other men seek out and relish sex and physical connections on a less emotionally intimate level than you seem to operate - and that's fine too, for them. It takes all sorts. Never do something of a physical/intimate sort that makes you unhappy, no matter what it might appear to you is 'expected of you' or 'the norm'.)

7. The kissing concern you have is however the sort of thing which if it gets on your mind can become a real psychological hurdle. Try and put these concerns aside - with the right person, one you actually want to be intimate with, you will find yourself kissing etc. and at some later point you will suddenly remember that you had this fear and then wonder why.

8. Think of it in this way. The girl you specifically mention wanted to have sex with you, but you didn't want to have sex with her, at that time at least. That's why you didn't get a second date, not because she didn't want one.

In summary, if your connections with potential partners are being formed solely on the bar/nightclub scene it shouldn't be much of a surprise that the people you pair up with appear to be prioritising a quick route to the bedroom - you are somewhat more likely to meet someone who is happy to meet someone and a number of hours later end up in the sack with them in such places (again I make no criticism of anyone in that sense).

Anyway, I can finally assure you that I can identify closely with everything you said. The only difference I see between us is that I probably let alcohol dull my various inhibitions so that I ended up having sex with quite a few people who I didn't really find attractive, and some who I did.

It will all turn out fine. I'm now 35. Like you I had chronic shyness early in life, and concerns about kissing and others acts of intimacy which I now find funny to look back on. I came to women late. I didn't have the same strength of personality you had to turn down sex. But I ultimately met the right girl for me, married, kids etc. and couldn't be happier.

Can I just say one more thing ? If you are feeling so unhappy to the extent you describe you really must take the step of speaking to somebody in real life - a good friend, a family member or someone in the counselling line. The only thing in your post that would make me concerned or worried about you is this aspect of it.

Look after yourself.

Sauve

Mod

Hi Seadin,

I have moved this thread to here, as I think it is a better forum for your query, get more advice here.

Best of luck,
Sauve

Pandora2

I could not agree more, Orlaw is spot on! And just to give you a precedent, I am married just a few Years to the most wonderful, intelligent, funny man who I met after my 40th birthday! Not unusual you might say, probably not but, he had never married, never lived with a partner and had no children. I myself was a veteran of the dating/relationship game, with grown up kids and no intentions of hitching my star to someone else's wagon again!! I can honestly say that he is the one! Nothing wrong with him, nothing wrong with me....just took us a while to be in each other's orbit! We met through work and I do feel it is difficult to meet anyone in an alcohol fuelled atmosphere. Perhaps you need to focus on other arenas in which to meet like minded people. Take a class in something that interests you, it would give more of an opportunity for conversation and a shared 'icebreaker' to talk about. Take heart, you sound like a gentleman and there is some lucky lady out there who will not believe her luck when you finally show up!!

Seriously, I spent the first 2 years pinching myself!!

beks101

Quite frankly, you sound like quite a catch. A good-looking guy who isn't going out solely seeking his hole and nothing else, who wants something more meaningful and won't jump into bed with any woman just because you can.

I'm a single late 20s woman and can tell you that you're a rare breed!

I think confidence is your downfall. The attraction is there - the women are clearly coming to you; all you need to do is learn how to harness that. The next time a woman approaches, don't rush into the kissing thing and instead tell her you'd like to take her out and take her number. Text, banter a bit, go for a few quiet drinks, meet for a coffee or some food. Might be an idea to take it out of the pub so the potential for those old drunken one night hook-ups is less. Focus on getting to know the girl over a period of time, instead of hooking up and never seeing her again.

Do you take the initiative with the women you're attracted to and approach, or do you just wait for the attention and respond to it? Part of the problem might be that the women you're meeting are just looking for a casual hook-up - if you take things into your own hands you're more likely to find what you're looking for. If you see someone you like, say hello, have a conversation, ask for their number and move on.

I think dating requires a bit of a tough skin these days and an understanding that not everyone you meet wants the same things you do. Go to bars/clubs and people are more likely looking for sex/casual hookups etc. It can take a bit of digging and persisting before you meet someone who's on the same page as you - but that's part of the fun of it! Meeting people and screening out the ones who aren't compatible until you hit the jackpot!

Chin up - you obviously have a lot going for yourself! If you are as proactive as you can be with the women you meet who take your fancy, it's simply a matter of time before something clicks.