Feeling like an outcast already even at college? (a bit long)

LegacyUser

I know it has only been a around two weeks or so since most colleges have started but I think I need advice before I do anything hasty and sorry if this is too long.

When I first came in, it was an easy start, it was just introductury lectures and I came in on my own for my course with no friends or aquintences, but I wasn't feeling the pressure yet to make friends, and I was under the impression that everyone else would be more or less in the same boat as me.

But loads of people came in groups already, and some people seem to have the magic touch of making friends straight away at the first registration day. I did get to talk and hang out with a few people, but they were matures students, because they were easy to talk to, especially the mature students, because they are like the mammy figure that I automatically get drawn to when I feel really awkward and lonely. I have spoken to a few others, but have not made any proper conversations with them because I don't know what to say. It is also hard with some of them because some act as if they don't want to talk to you, because they have their groups.

Also another thing about me is that I am very quiet, shy and weird person, Ill admit, I am also awkward in new situations, so I have a tendency to stutter and blurt out weird and stupid things, and it really bugs me that that has happened a few times already, when talk to people and also when speaking up in class, and it has only been the start. I mean some people made the effort to come and talk to me too, but somehow I say or do something odd from being so nervous and they look at me funny or say "Oh..." I then feel so stupid and embaressed that I try avoiding them the next day, and class is bad too, because everyone gives great sounding answers and then I sound similiar to a little toddler trying to talk. One really stupid thing I did just a while ago was passing the class roll page in class without signing my own name because I was in a exhausted daydream and never dawned on me until afterwards that i was meant to sign it, but I'd imagine already that my classmates were wondering "WTF?" They are probably thinking I am stupid and wondering how I got this course.

I mean I might be over-analying this, but for one class I remember one classmate was asking where our teacher was, and I said she was coming in a few mins because she had let me know in advance, and NO one gave me a reply, not even a "Oh ok"!! It was just this awkward silence before someone changed the subject, I mean I keep thinking did I act a bit off beforehand because she ask something else before hand and I think she was looking at me so it migth have been directed at me, but I was not listening because I just daydream tbh when I have no one to talk to. But to not get any reply for when I spoke up for something was just really off-putting. This happen one-on-one when i asked someone a question, they just gave me a nod.
I don't know if they dislike me already (even thought they don't know me, apart from my dumb moments) or feel awkward around me because I am quiet, because I have noticed that when we have to speak up and give out our answers in class, every listens to the other person speaking but looks down to the copy or somewhere else, but when I speak up, literally half the class look at me (I sit in the back) which makes speaking up even worse. I even noticed my teacher noticing this once, and looked quite taken back at the amount of people who looked back at me.

I am a female in my early twenties and I won't go into detail about this but I had a lot of problems and issues growing up, including family bullying, which is why I literally feel terrified of everything and feel judged about everything, from dressing right and saying the right thing, so when something goes even the tiniest bit wrong, I get paranoid over it so much and let it affect me. I just don't get it, because my course is based on creative design, so i would have thought I would get along easily with arty people, since we are known to be shy and quirky and "weird" from the usual norm, but I feel even different and outcasted atm even with them. Also I think I suffer from SAD, because I feel even worse about myself when the winter comes

I mean I don't what advice I need, is just that I want to know if anyone went through something similiar when they first started college and if it got better or worse in the next few months and if they did anything to make college life easier for them?

Sorry for the long rambling, it just that I am beginning to also feel a bit homesick now since I am really faraway for college, so that coupled with the college experiance at the moment has made me feel a bit sad, atm.

OP, college is whatever you make it. Think of it as a fresh start; you say you are awkward and nervous? Well, you don't have to be. You'd be surprised just how many people are feeling the exact same way as you. I was like you once - and now some of the best friends I have now (and some of the greatest people I've met) have been those I met throughout my college years!

The great thing about being in college too is that there is a lot of support there for you; from college counsellors, to doctors, to anything else you can imagine and I'd strongly recommend you look into these. They can be there when you need them or when you just need to talk - and it's good to talk, to use the old cliché. Spend a day walking around the facilities and seeing exactly what is there, the student union is there to help you and believe me, they've all heard much worse than whatever you can say.

You're in your first few weeks, so it is going to get better. If I remember right, in another few weeks, you'll have your clubs and societies day? I think you should go and sign up for a few. Use it as a way to interact with people, to get yourself out of your comfort zone and to challenge yourself to do new things. Make new friends. Talk to people. Guaranteed that if you walk up to a random first year, they'll have a conversation with you. It can be about anything; where you're from, where they're from, what course they're doing, what course you're doing.

Also, and it might be a little silly, but you should get yourself into the college mentality. They're not teachers any more, they're lecturers. And they're a lot more approachable than teachers are, so if you ever need help, just find where their office is and knock on their door. Most would have an open-door policy.

claypigeon777

Why not visit one of the counsellors in the college in secret - you don't have to tell your family or any of the people in the course - and just tell them how you are feeling. Their job is to listen and if you feel like crying and letting all this stuff you have bottled up out in the open then go ahead.

There is nothing wrong with you and you are not alone. Many of the other people have become part of groups which is their way of coping. Maybe they feel as awkward as you do.

You are giving answers in class and other people are turning and looking at you. Maybe some of them are crazy people who hate you? Or maybe they are interested in you and want hear what you have to say and think you are actually more confident than they are?

People are different and they react to a new stressful situation differently. Some of the so-called confident people might be partying too much, drinking too much and leaving course work on the long finger. Some of the people like you might be shy and awkward and finding to hard to make friends. Some people could be cool as breeze and taking things in their stride.

Anyways you have to look after No. 1. First of all do your coursework and do it well. Second of all go visit a counsellor they are probably free and confidential and only to happy to listen to you.

dd972

I also suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder OP, the prose of your post flag up certain aspects of it that affect us, basically what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy calls 'thinking errors', hope these help

Catastrophising : making a mountain out of a molehill and thinking something is far worse than it is when it's probably not bad at all.

Mind Reading : Being overly convinced that you know what's going on in people's heads, ( although paradoxically people like us are more intuitive and sharper than the average person ), the only way we know for sure what's going on in people's heads is if they tell us, that girl who you thought was snubbing your comment that the teacher was on her way might for all you know be thinking whether to go to McDonald's or the Chipper on her way home.

Filtering and Magnifying : This is one of the worst aspects of SAD, any positive human experiences dissolve like an ice cube in the sunshine, and any negative experiences or time when some Joe Soap's misunderstood you or made a negative comment about you gets added to an Archive of them that's on instant recall, the people involved in these experiences all live in a community in your head in a cast of thousands, ( all the good people you've ever met fly out of your head through a revolving door )

There's a good book by Dr Stephen Briers called 'Brilliant Cognitive Behavioral Therapy', it's not a cure for SAD by any means, but gives you valuable insight and knowledge, and knowledge is power.

Nichololas

dd972 wrote: »

I also suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder OP, the prose of your post flag up certain aspects of it that affect us, basically what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy calls 'thinking errors', hope these help

I think the SAD the OP referred to is Seasonal Affective Disorder not social anxiety, but OP also seems socially anxious and this is good advice, so ..

OP; join a sports club! (If your College has them.) Getting regular exercise will help, and you can interact with people through the sport and not have to worry about making conversation beyond 'Pass the ball' or 'Are you training tonight?'. If team sports aren't your thing, try a martial art, or canoeing, or trampolining or whatever floats your boat. Remember, many, many people feel like this in College, just keep your head up!

LegacyUser

Nichololas wrote: »

I think the SAD the OP referred to is Seasonal Affective Disorder not social anxiety, but OP also seems socially anxious and this is good advice, so ..

OP; join a sports club! (If your College has them.) Getting regular exercise will help, and you can interact with people through the sport and not have to worry about making conversation beyond 'Pass the ball' or 'Are you training tonight?'. If team sports aren't your thing, try a martial art, or canoeing, or trampolining or whatever floats your boat. Remember, many, many people feel like this in College, just keep your head up!

My apologies to the other poster for not being more clear, as seasonal affective disorder is what I meant here, but what the other poster gave was good advice, because I do think that I might have social anxiety, but I never officially looked into it.

singsong321

I had a simaliar experience when I first began college. At the time, I believed it was hopeless that I could fit in, and make friends because everyone formed cliches early on. But, looking back I could have eaisly made closer bonds if I wasn't so withdrawn. I was in a bad state of mind, and its only now that I've sorted my issues that I've allowed myself to have friends (if this makes sense!). I'd suggest getting in touch with students services, they will have mental health services available. Or another option is talking to your GP, who can implement a treatment plan. Please dont fret, although it may seem that everyone is coping fine, so many people feel equally lost at this stage. Good luck!

unhappycollegestudent

unhappycollegestudent wrote: »

My apologies to the other poster for not being more clear, as seasonal affective disorder is what I meant here, but what the other poster gave was good advice, because I do think that I might have social anxiety, but I never officially looked into it.

Then do it now. Look into your student services - you can either email them, call them, or pop into them - and talk to them about organizing a counselling session.