Can't cope at home

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm just looking for some advice here please. I'm a 25 year old woman, caring for my ill father for the past 8 months. As it stands, he requires pretty much round the clock care, cannot cook for himself, cannot shower himself, and is very unsteady on his feet so should have someone there all the time to help him get to bed/bathroom.

The problem is, I have a 24 year old brother. There is just the two of us in the house, and short of asking my dad if he'd like a cup of tea, that's where the looking after my dad stops with him. My fathers gone through rigorous treatment the past few months and not once has my brother gone with him to any of his treatments, or hospital appointments. My father needed to be hospitalised twice and both times it was me who had to get him to a hospital because my brother wouldn't even call the doctor.

Now, my brother and I do not always see eye to eye. He's broken my nose, given me many black eyes, thrown chairs at me, thrown a garden fork at my stomach, trips me up, jostles me out of his way, steals my money, steals my food, takes my car, spits in my face, basically does what he likes. I had to move out of the family home, because I genuinely feared he would end up killing me or acting on the many times he has threatened to stab me and "leave my guts on the floor". I live 45 mins away now, and cannot work because my dad needs somebody there all the time so I'm run down always tired and sad all of the time.

Because I'm not working, I don't have a lot of Money. What I do have is used to pay sky bill, and sometimes the esb, do the food shop pay my rent and bills in my own house and petrol to drive over and back between the two houses each day. I have no life, no hobbies, I've pushed my friends away, I rarely go out anymore and I feel like I'm going mad. I'm jealous that my brother who is 15 months younger than me has a full time job, overtime if he wants it, goes out Friday night Saturday night and Sunday night, has no worries and doesn't contribute anything towards bills or housekeeping.

My father idolises my brother, doesn't see him for the aggressive scumbag he is, although has witnessed him pushing me to the ground, smashing my face off the floor and leaving me with a broken nose. I shouldn't aggravate him, I shouldn't push him, I should keep my mouth shut. When I contacted the gardai after another assault, my father was furious with me, telling me the guards were only laughing at us, making tinkers out of ourselves.

My brother is flat out on drugs, weed for sure, and I'm pretty sure he's using cocaine too. He has no regard for anyone in the house, he'll sit in the living room when my dad is in bed, puffing away on weed, and leaving the entire house stinking like drugs, same when he steals my car, I get it back smelling like drugs. He gets the munchies then at night, will get up and help himself to everything he can find. Food that I've bought for my dad (he's not eating well right now so I buy nice little things he'd enjoy) literally can leave nothing in the house, not minerals, apple tart, buns, crossaints, milk, creamed rice, everything's eaten at night time.

He will not make his own lunch or dinner and if there's no bread (3 loaves bought a week and he's the only one who eats bread) hell take "lunch money" out of my bag. I cook enough some nights for two days, he comes along that night and eats a second dinner, gets up the next day and brings a lunchbox full of dinner with him and doesn't leave any dinner for my dad for that day. I can't talk to him, I'm told to fug off with myself, to overdose again and this time do it right, while I've been staying here while my dads been in hospital and he went into my room and took the lightbulb out of my room.

He won't let the public health nurses inside the door to see my dad and I feel really scared and trapped. What am I going to do

LegacyUser

Ring the guards on him, no offence but he is an absolute scumbag, you need him out. Now.

jdsk2006

Holy mother of god op i literally cannot digest what you just told us. That is the saddest story . Your in an extremely volatile situation and you need tp think about your safety.
I would step back....as much as that would kill me that's what id do. Sit your dad down and explain what you have told us. Tell him you love him but you can't be so involved until he takes control of the situation and deals wit his son. As a sideline to this i would also make an appointment with the district nurse and tell her the situation. Speak wit your gp also. Cover all angles and step away.

Can i just say, id be very proud to have a daughter like you

moochers

Your brother is a vicious bully and a psychopath. You need to get help fast. You were right to contact the guards and report him, never mind what your father says because it is highly likely that your father will be the next target.

You should not have to bear the brunt of looking after your father, you need a lot more support. You need to contact the HSE immediately, I am pretty positive that the PHN who your brothers refuses to let into the house has made a complaint and flagged the issue with a social worker. It is the responsibility of the HSE to ensure that your father is getting extra support provision in his own home.

You should not feel under any pressure or obligation to look after your father. In this case it is detrimental to your safety if you continue to do so while your brother is around. A primary care social worker which the hospital can refer you to, will help you. They will set up the extra support your father needs and more importantly will go to the courts and order a barring order against your brother so he has to leave the family home. Please report your brother and contact the HSE.

Santa Cruz

Time to leave both of them. Get out, ring the Gardaí, say that there is a man lying dead in the house. They will come and then call an ambulance. Leave them to it or else put up with it. There's no alternative with people like that

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear about your problem. I have a similar post here except its my sister and my sister and your brother sound a little similar. I know you feel bad for your dad and your stuck in a horrible situation and have to decide whether you look after yourself or him. I think you did the right thing calling the guards. I think I should of done the same thing myself on some occasions. It sounds like your dad is happy once no one else knows about his behaviour which is very like my own family. Can you call the guards again and report drugs in the house that way they will come and search it and probably arrest him. Can you tell your dad he needs to move out if you are to continue caring for him that way its his decision if he want s to keep him there at you are giving him an option. It s easy to say look after yourself but its hard when your dad is sick and you are obviously a good person and want to care about him. I honestly don't know about some people anymore.. they would just make you ill thinking about them