Shattered - lost her for the second time.

Sleepless and Manic

Oh what have I done? Here's my miserable story:

Back in the early 90's, i was a computer programmer in silicon valley and I struck up an online relationship with a student in New jersey. The other side of the country. I was married and she was ten years younger and neither of us was under any false impressions about the practicalty of such a relationship. It was the start of "online relationships", we were breaking new ground.
We chatted online and talked for around three years. We never met. It wasnt a romantic relationship really, and there was some security in that.
And then she started dating this guy Michael. Remember I'm married, so I have no right to be jealous. But I am. And it was hard because it really brought up issues with my marriage of course, obviously if i was having these kinds of jealous feelings about a "friend" finding love then it means my marriage has problems... Anyway she was a kid and I was a married yuppie two thousand miles away, there was never any hope that anything would develop. So one rainy night standing at a phone booth by a beach in california I called her dorm room in new jersey and told her we had to break up/not talk/whatever... And that was that... a year later I was divorced but she'd got married and was in some influential government job.
...
Skip forward seventeen years... seventeen years...

And I'm sitting at home in San Fransisco, Divorced. But in a livein relationship for the last 15 years. A little dazed after having just learned that I'm going to be laid off after eight years at the same company. Eight years is a record in the tech industry but it still hurts. SO naturally I start updating my resume which means also updating my LinkedIn account which I havent touched in years. I log in and see an internal email from two days before from an unfamiliar company and I opened it and it starts "I dont know whether you remember me...".
Wow. Its her. All I can say is that what followed was teenager levels of communication back and forth for about two months as we caught up She married the guy Michael, had twins about three years ago, etc etc. Its been amazing to hear how she's been doing, as i said we've been emailing multiple times a day, multiple times an hour even.
We talked on the phone once but I didnt feel really comfortable. Somehow... a clandestine relationship over email is one thing, but when it progresses to phone then its something else. The relationship was back where it had been years before with no gap it seemed. I dunno whether it was something to hide from our significant others, but it just seemed easier to do so.

I better hurry this up.

Last week i got an email from here... Michael's read all our email exchange from the last month, she'd omitted to delete it somehow, and he's mad. Next day I got one saying things were bad and he's saying "its over"! and then today I got one, very formal... saying... "I think M and I can work this out obviously he doesn't want me communicating with you... etc etc...."

I know this was coming. How could I not? There is no other way for this to go...But I'm shattered. Gutted. I'm stunned. I tried to write her back once to say goodbye but I got dizzy and felt faint... Its like one long panic attack... I never drink. but it took me four beers a record for me, to just reopen her email... and my poor better half has no idea whats wrong....

Sorry if I'm coming across as a self indulgent self absorbed prat... I probably am...

Just looking for some sympathy...

heretochat

So you in effect "cheated" on your wife by engaging in a long term (albeit virtual) contact with this person..

Then you are in another long term relationship and you start the same thing again with this person who is now married herself with kids..

And you are looking for sympathy of some kind...

TheBellJar

You didn't lose her, because you never had her in the first place.

You said yourself that you didn't feel comfortable talking to her on the phone, and that it wasn't the same. That's because you build up an idea of her, you fell for an idea of her and getting to know the real her could easily shatter that illusion.

Yes, she could be as amazing as you think and you could both live happily ever after. But you cheated on your wife (emotionally) and she was happy to let you; further to that when she cheated on her guy you were happy to let her. You were never enough for each other alone because if you were, you wouldn't be without each other now.

maria34

Its a bit confusing -have you ever met?

Hannibal Smith

heretochat wrote: »

So you in effect "cheated" on your wife by engaging in a long term (albeit virtual) contact with this person..

Then you are in another long term relationship and you start the same thing again with this person who is now married herself with kids..

And you are looking for sympathy of some kind...

Hes looking for advice not judgement.

What you had op seems to have been more of a fantasy than reality. You weren't comfortable talking on the phone...you should have been. It should be easy to cross communication lines.

Let her go...get her out of your mind and realise it never was.

heretochat

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Hes looking for advice not judgement.

What you had op seems to have been more of a fantasy than reality. You weren't comfortable talking on the phone...you should have been. It should be easy to cross communication lines.

Let her go...get her out of your mind and realise it never was.

My original post did come across as very judgemental on a second reading.. Personal views colouring my post..

Advice would be to leave this person be.. No point in wrecking two relationships by pursuing something that in my view was never "real" in the first place.

beks101

I think the greater question here is what's missing in your current relationship that you could be vulnerable to these sorts of feelings for somebody that isn't your partner, all these years later?

What do you need that you aren't currently getting? And can that be fixed, or is it time for you to walk away?

Sleepless and Manic

Thanks for the comments. I really do appreciate it.

I've been a fool no doubt.

There was never anything romantic about it though. I never had any expectations that this would be any more than it was. But I understood that (secretly) putting that much energy outside ones current relationship is a disloyalty. Thats why I wanted to keep it to email.

And the result has been as expected I suppose. I'm drafting a goodbye note right now.

TheBellJar

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

Thanks for the comments. I really do appreciate it.

I've been a fool no doubt.

There was never anything romantic about it though. I never had any expectations that this would be any more than it was. But I understood that (secretly) putting that much energy outside ones current relationship is a disloyalty. Thats why I wanted to keep it to email.

And the result has been as expected I suppose. I'm drafting a goodbye note right now.

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you OP but I think you know you're doing the right thing. Try to put it to the back of your mind after this and move on from it now.

2Mad2BeMad

leave her and leave your wife, she deserves better.
Not judging you just giving advice

miamee

OP, unfortunately it is very easy to build up an idea of how someone is when communicating only virtually via text. You basically assign your own tone, intonation, context and meaning to things said because they are not really present from the other person over an email or online chat. It happens many times in online dating that if you chat online to someone for 'too long' by the time you have a date in real life, they are nothing like you expected and it can be hard to reconcile the real person in front of you with the idea you had in your head. I can only assume that after YEARS of talking online only that the person you think she is, is nothing like the reality. You barely know what her voice sounds like, never mind anything else.

You'd never met, she was essentially your pen pal, nothing more. You are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from her, her marriage and her young children. Best of luck with your current relationship, hopefully you can get back on track there