She's falling hard for me and I'm not sure what to do

LegacyUser

I'm not sure where to start this so I guess I'll just start at the beginning and come to a conclusion then...

Few weeks ago a (female) friend of the family came to visit Ireland as the start of her year travelling. She was staying at home in my parents place, where I also live. It was weekend and other than a casual hi and having lunch/dinner with everyone at home that was about it. Being the weekend and her being on holidays I felt it was only right to ask her out for a few pints, a cousin who knows her better than I also joined us. Couple pints later (for me, she doesnt drink) we went back home and talked for a few hrs and before long we went to bed and we ended up sleeping together, we talked mostly, kissed a bit and fooled around some. We spent the following day together doing not a lot I guess.

I was working in Dublin for the next 2 weeks while she travelled a little around Ireland and stayed in contact duringthis time. She then spent 5-6 days/evenings with me at my place (altering her plans slightly) before she went of to the Uk. I enjoyed her company and I wanted to get to know here a bit better and after talking about it for a bit we decided to meet up in London for a few days before she leaves Europe.

I guess it was after I had booked flights/hotel I realized how she felt about me and initially I was a bit overwhelmed. She was being a lot more serious about it that I was and what I felt. I wanted to get to know her better, learn what she's like etc but she was past that with me. I decided to go anyway. For all I knew it was a language barrier thing and what was the worst that could happen?! London was good and I enjoyed my time with her. We talked a bit about whats next but I'm not sure where that went now, I thought we left it kind of open and because I'm planning to go to abroad next year we talked about meeting up again when we're both in the same place (she's spending 2 months in nz).

Which is more or less where we are now only a week later and I realize she's way more into me than I am her. She can see a future together, I'm great and she feels hurt when things aren't going well for me in my life (which maybe they aren't really) that it's good to have me, contantly missing me etc and tonight she told me she already loves me (she said she loved me in London also but I put it down to the heat of the moment and brushed it of) which is something I don't know how to react to right now.

She told me her holidays/travelling were to re-discover her self, a new chapter in her life and she's making some big changes and she's quite driven and focused on what she wants and where she's going, and I admire these things very much. Only now because we met her holidays aren't about her but about 'us' and I didn't want to play such a part in her travels. She counting on seeing each other again in 5 months, which is hell of a long time (to me) to wait for someone who I've only met. I'm not even sure I'll end up going to nz yet, a few weeks ago I had another reason to go for sure now I'm feeling over weldmed I think. I like her but so far we've only spent time together in a holiday situation and I feel this can't paint a picture of what she's like, for me, defo not enough anyway to say 'I love you' and to change her outlook on her travels which she never intended to meet someone she was that into on.

Further more, and I haven't brought this up, if I went to nz I'd be going for a year. My life right now is pretty ****, long term unemployed and very little motivation for anything and being honest I only have one reason why I'm still here which isn't even a good reason (she doesn't understand it either) but it does effect me. For all I know I'll like it there and I think she can see us either move back to her home country or maybe see each other in nz, I'm not sure.

I'm just realizing I'm rambling quite a bit and this is getting quite long. I guess what it boils down to is how do I deal with this loving me msg and her. I don't want to break the girls hearth by totally backing away but at the same time I'd like to see her again in nz and see how things go. But I don't want her to get all these idea's in her head now and that a year down the line nothing works out and she regrets spending her holidays thinking about me/us and holding back and instead doing what she originally had in mind.

beks101

Tell her.

Seriously, just tell her all of this. Tell her you like her, have enjoyed getting to know her and would be interested in meeting her again down the line, but you're not where she is and you're not in a position to commit to anything with her other than casual for the time being. Tell her you respect her feelings, but you're not near the "love" thing yet and can't make any promises. You have other priorities in your life.

That's the truth and if she's in any way a mature and reasonable human being, she'll be hurt but will appreciate you calling things as they are. As opposed to saying nothing and essentially stringing her along - which is far, far more hurtful in the long run.

Just take a deep breath and do it, seriously. You'll feel much better for doing it.

heretochat

I agree with beks..

You have to be fair to her and tell her exactly how you feel.. It would be far worse to string her along and then have it come to a head if you do meet her in NZ..

It may lead to short term pain but it will be better for you both in the long term.

Merkin

She's obviously quite invested in this already (albeit prematurely) so you definitely need to set her straight. I'd also say be very clear on what you intend to say and stick to the script because if you waver at all or there is any ambiguity it will only exacerbate the issue.

Tell her you don't want to conduct a long distance relationship. Tell her you would like to see her again at some stage. Tell her that it would be unfeasible for you both of you to "wait" for one another when all you've had to go on is a few snatched days. Tell her it's not exclusive and you're both free to date other people, i.e. you're not boyfriend and girlfriend. Tell her that you don't love her back because you don't know her well enough to make such a proclamation and when you say something like that, you mean it. Be totally honest with her. She'll probably be a bit wounded but she'll cope with it far better than thinking this is something it clearly isn't. Tell her.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, you've made I much clearer in my head what I have to do and how to say it.

Last thing I want is to string her along, which I probably am a little guilty in doing because I've only come to realise where she's going while I thought it was all a bit more casual and open than it was.

We've briefly spoken about and laughed at how bad the timing is for her (both of us maybe). I actually thought she left it open as well but I've come to realise this isnt the case.

I really should try and speak with her tonight and set things straight! Thanks all.

MagicMarker

You've led her on big time tbh. You already know what you need to do here.

Mighty_Mouse

Your normal, she's intense.
You didn't "lead her on" or whatever previously mentioned. It's a new "thing". It's not even a relationship. Who know's where this leads in time.

In the meantime, just be honest with her.
"I like you & want to see you again, but you're moving a little too fast for me, we only know each other a few weeks.....................chill the beans missus, you're freaking me out"..

I'd be more worried about this:

My life right now is pretty ****, long term unemployed and very little motivation for anything and being honest I only have on

You really need to tackle this. It's a negative spiral which will continue descending. There's only one way to reverse the trend. Start making decisions. Good, bad, indifferent whatever, assess you needs and wants and start moving towards them.

jozi

-edit- oops

The Corinthian

notabadguy wrote: »

Couple pints later (for me, she doesnt drink) we went back home and talked for a few hrs and before long we went to bed and we ended up sleeping together, we talked mostly, kissed a bit and fooled around some. We spent the following day together doing not a lot I guess.

Sorry, but I think you're probably old enough to understand that you should never shìt where you eat, and the moment you "kissed a bit and fooled around some" with someone who's a friend of the family, you did precisely this.

I agree with others in that you need to tell her plainly ASAP. There'll be damage if you do so, but the longer you let this drag on, the greater the damage to all concerned.

And learn from this mistake, for future reference.

LegacyUser

I think I'm more confused now.

We spoke, I think I said to her how I felt. Naturally she was upset.

Her I love you comment was not meant as a love love thing but more a spur of the moment of how she felt, maybe more like how you love your family or friends. Perhaps it was a language barrier thing?

She knows how I feel yet I don't feel like we're any further on. Should we stop communicating and any contact? I still said I wanted to see her in nz and see how things go from there.

Merkin

notabadguy wrote: »

She knows how I feel yet I don't feel like we're any further on. Should we stop communicating and any contact? I still said I wanted to see her in nz and see how things go from there.

If she is way more invested in this than you are then you need to cut contact for the time being yes. You can also ask her if it is possible that you get back in touch when you will both be in NZ. She might say yes and she might say no but I'd leave that decision up to her.