hubbies made feel guilty from family

lennyloulou

How do you mix/get on with your in-laws?
Am with my hubbie 5 yrs, married 2yr, no kids, live 2 1/2 hr drive ( 3 hr minimum when stuck in traffic en route on a Friday after work!) from mother in law/father in law's house.
Mother in law is central, dominant matriarch figure with all her grown up kids living in a three mile radius of her. Father in law is a quiet, passive individual. we visit 1 weekend in 5 or 6.
The surrounding 5 grown up , married, working, kids are very dependent on her for child care, cooking dinners. Mother in-law loves this dependancy. On average 2 daughters ring 5 times a day on the phone- questions vary between what did they have for dinner, what is going in now.... constant detail required by them- these daughters are 36yr and 37yr with young families.

Hubbie is the only child to have 'moved' away- he wont admit it but he gets this guilt complex from the females in the family... smart texts/facebook comments ' we never see you...poor me' 'hey stranger' - lots more undercurrent stuff... it may appear menial as I write but the tone in which it is inferred is what I pickup on. I am no-fool and I am not 'reading' into it. it is what it is unquestionably.

Hubbie also gets a mega list of jobs to do when he arrives home, even though the brother down the road does feck all around for the parents. I get on with the sisters alright, 2 have visited us twice and it was fantastic to have them, 2 other sisters haven't visited our home ever and despite many invitations, they have never came to see us. these 2 are the most verbally cutting to hubbie, who is soft and just takes it.

I am truly sick of this indebted guilt my hubbies feels towards 'deserting the family fold' and although I have brought the subject up very delicately, he shrugs it off reluctantly, saying it doesn't bother him.
mother in law and I chat and get on ok, I don't want to get too close as she is so controlling that I would be afraid she would try to control me...I have been independent since 23yr, mortgage since 24yr, I always made up my own mind to do things/travel etc. am in my 30's now.
have any of you ever experience this? How do you mix/get on with your in-laws?
Am with my hubbie 5 yrs, married 2yr, no kids, live 2 1/2 hr drive ( 3 hr minimum when stuck in traffic en route on a Friday after work!) from mother in law/father in law's house.
Mother in law is central, dominant matriarch figure with all her grown up kids living in a three mile radius of her. Father in law is a quiet, passive individual. we visit 1 weekend in 5 or 6.
The surrounding 5 grown up , married, working, kids are very dependent on her for child care, cooking dinners. Mother in-law loves this dependancy. On average 2 daughters ring 5 times a day on the phone- questions vary between what did they have for dinner, what is going in now.... constant detail required by them- these daughters are 36yr and 37yr with young families.

Hubbie is the only child to have 'moved' away- he wont admit it but he gets this guilt complex from the females in the family... smart texts/facebook comments ' we never see you...poor me' 'hey stranger' - lots more undercurrent stuff... it may appear menial as I write but the tone in which it is inferred is what I pickup on. I am no-fool and I am not 'reading' into it. it is what it is unquestionably.

Hubbie also gets a mega list of jobs to do when he arrives home, even though the brother down the road does feck all around for the parents. I get on with the sisters alright, 2 have visited us twice and it was fantastic to have them, 2 other sisters haven't visited our home ever and despite many invitations, they have never came to see us. these 2 are the most verbally cutting to hubbie, who is soft and just takes it.

I am truly sick of this indebted guilt my hubbies feels towards 'deserting the family fold' and although I have brought the subject up very delicately, he shrugs it off reluctantly, saying it doesn't bother him.
mother in law and I chat and get on ok, I don't want to get too close as she is so controlling that I would be afraid she would try to control me...I have been independent since 23yr, mortgage since 24yr, I always made up my own mind to do things/travel etc. am in my 30's now.
have any of you ever experience this?

Czarcasm

I'm struggling to see your issue OP tbh, apart from the fact that you seem far too invested in your husband's family and what they're doing. It doesn't bother your husband so you're better off for your own sanity to take him at his word.

To answer your question I suppose- I get on great with my wife's family, I don't get on so well with my own, for a while they saw it as their right to disrespect me and by extension my wife. So I cut them off. I'm much happier for it tbh.

It does bother me sometimes that I don't have the same relationship with my own family as I do with my in-laws, but eventually after 20 years trying, I had to accept that there are some things I really can't change, and there are some people that are never going to change.

freshpopcorn

Well it's good that your in a loving and happy relationship with your husband to start with.
I would take no notice of the mother and her daughters being in consent contact some people are just like that and it's not harming anybody it their happy.

As for his sisters texting him that they miss him. They might be messing with him or they might actually miss him. If they miss him sometimes people find it harder from being apart from their families that others. It's just the way they built.

How do you know the brother down the road does nothing? He might do little jobs because he's always around but your husband is only their once every 5 or 6 six weeks so it might seem a lot of to do.

Your husband might actually think their is no problem with the relationship he has with his family.

How often do you see your parents? Do ye have an even balance?
A suggestion could be that you might go to your parents and he goes to his once every few weeks to get in more visits in the year.

December2012

He's happy - what is the problem? Just leave it and don't make an issue out of it.

ibarelycare

It's not an issue for your husband. You have had no incidents with his family. What's the problem? I understand why this would be frustrating for you, but it's not really your business how your husband's family interacts with each other. You're the one who has the problem with them, so just continue keeping your distance as you do.

Merkin

lennyloulou wrote: »

I am truly sick of this indebted guilt my hubbies feels towards 'deserting the family fold' and although I have brought the subject up very delicately, he shrugs it off reluctantly, saying it doesn't bother him.

This is fundamentally what it boils down to. Each family has their own dynamic which is as individual as a fingerprint. Unless their behaviour is causing your husband angst and anxiety then it really is none of your concern. I mean that in the nicest possible way. My outlaws are a strange and dysfunctional bunch but I just keep a healthy distance (as does Mr. Merkin). On the grand scheme of things, what does it matter if the girls phone their mother constantly? How does this effect you and your husband and your happiness? I think you're probably involving yourself too much here, I don't really see that there is any kind of issue at all tbh.

lennyloulou

tanx for advice and yes I see all points of view. Yep I am taking things on board that have nothing to do with me. I am delighted to have posted all that I was feeling. Will take on board advice. Thanks you folks