Shy, no confidence. Stuck in a rut.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Im 24 and have been shy and quiet almost all my life. In primary school I was shy but felt I opened up more in 6th class. In Secondary school I began to make a number of good friends, which I kept in touch with during college( albeit in different courses). In college I knew I had to open up and converse somewhat in order to get to know my classmates. I made two good friends in Peter and Jack (not real names). By the end of that year and into 2nd year Jack became acquainted with a girl called Alison (in class). She had her own group of friends, some of whom I already knew. Thus my social circle grew and the 2 groups of us used hang out together during class and at parties etc. ( I was never very talkative compared to others but I felt I made a strong effort to converse and be pleasant and not just sit in silence).

As the year progressed I got to know Alison more, by circumstance in group projects etc. I used to text her now and again, smalltalk really. Sometimes she would reply. It didnt really bother me if she didnt. She might be busy, have forgotten, hadnt read it etc. One night I text her. No reply. Minutes later Jack text," I heard you text Alison". The only way he knew that was she text him. That hurt like hell that she deliberately avoided texted me but mentioned the fact to a close friend within minutes. Instintively I text Alison why she text him about that. Obviously no reply. As we returned to college, she told me through Jack mainly and once by text I think to stop texting and that I was harassing her. When I heard that I was shocked and wanted to explain my side of the story and how I misunderstood everything. I got 2 chances to meet her in person but I completely froze each time and barely said anything to her. As the weeks moved on, when I was in class with just Peter and Jack I felt talkative, similiar to how it was at the start. But any time we came in contact with Alison and her group, I just grew completely silent and everything was awkward.

Sometime in 3rd year Peter and Jack met up and said I was depressed and I was making no effort to change and be more outgoing and that they didnt want to be friends with me anymore. I guess it came down to a choice in the end and I lost out. That was a horrible experience and the remainder of that year was spent in isolation and paranoia as to who was talking about me. I just sat in the corner of lectures, arriving as late as possible and leaving as soon as it was finished. Meanwhile with them all sitting together. Every few weeks Jack used meet up with me, out of pity and after my requests. I began to notice patterns of hope before meetings of reconciliation and despair afterwards when things were the same. I even noticed I felt slightly better when he never contacted at all, as I was able to put the situation out of my head. Thus in the end I cut contact with him. Final year was much the same.

The following year I did a postgrad, the best decision I ever made. It gave me a positive college experience again that had been ruined I felt. It also did a lot for me confidence wise in that I made good friends with the class and I really enjoyed the course. It felt like I was making an effort in improving my life. However its been two years since then. I look at my life now and all I see are negatives. I cant find a job. Im terrible at interviews. I come across very quiet (I was told in feedback in an interview I thought I did well in) and talk doesnt seem to come naturally. I havent texted or spoken to any friend in at least two years. I have never ever had a girlfriend and that horrible situation is never something I want to reoccur again. When it comes to female company I completely freeze and shy up, overthinking what to say, start labelling them as girlfriend material when I would be just as happy if they were a friend. Thats the main reason I messed things up so much. If I was confident and experienced the whole situation would have never occured and I'd have left college with a large social circle. Instead I left with nothing.

To sum it up, Im really lacking in confidence nowadays and very reserved and quiet. Im generally lonely ,bar family interaction and am frustrated in how my life has stalled since my postgrad. I just seem to lack any motivation at present and am worried I will have done nothing much extra with my life by the time I'm 30.

PingO_O

The first thing I think anyone would say is if you really have that stuck feeling and its getting you down to consider going and talking to someone like a counsellor, you've got a lot of stuff going on there that I can relate to, I'm 24 and I was painfully shy in college, you can improve immensely on your social skills but you need help and guidance so maybe you should look into that.

Try not to attach confidence with being extroverted because its not always the case, some of the most self assured guys can still be quiet ones but I get you probably know or have seen that.

When it comes to girls if you see them as this other species and go around thinking you need something special to talk to them you're just shooting yourself in the foot. I'd recommend you get out and join some sport or club where there's a good group of lads you can bond with because you need friends.


The last thing ill say is your "friends" from college didn't sound like good friends at all. I went through something similar in college in that I couldn't really get close to anyone, but since then have made quite a few. What I'm saying is don't be so hard on yourself, there's a place for all different personality types in different groups and sometimes it's just bad luck that you don't connect with people.