Am I obligated to go to my fiancee aunt's funeral?

0210ania

as i title ..me and my partenr are engaged. His auntie died and i was wondering if have to go?
It's his uncle's wife (his dad's sister in law). I would know this part of his family too well, but because it's his dad's sister in law - it's so called 'close' family.

It will sounds horrible but i don't really want to go because i don't take funerals very well. I would be sometimes more upset than family (only because someone died) and in general it would be on my mind for few days after.

Do you guys think i will be expected to be there because we r engaged?

what's Irish people would be expecting, what's the right thing to do?

P.S i am very sorry for my english!!!!

connundrum

Free sambos and tae.

Sure why wouldn't you go?

At least maybe try get to the Church, you're considered part of the family now Id say, if you are engaged.

hard to get out of...

Claasman

Ya probably are expected to be there....

Maximus Alexander

You're not obligated by law now, but everyone will think you're a c*nt if you don't show up.

bbam

You'll be expected.
In typical Irish fashion they'll be sitting down afterwards talking about who was there, who they were supprised to see there and those who didn't bother to show their respects.

toxicity234

Yes

Annasopra

Yes you should go to support your fiancee

Vojera

Unless you have a very concrete reason, like work won't give you the time off, then yes, you really should go. It'll be remarked on by his family if you don't, and some people remember that sort of thing for a very long time.

Cee-Jay-Cee

Ask your finance if he thinks you should go and explain how you feel.

smcgiff

Have you work commitments you "cannot get out of?"

bgrizzley

I know how you feel op. I try to show my face then slink off quietly as soon as I m on the radar. I'd advise same.

anncoates

Go.

Stone Deaf 4evr

If it was me, I'd go. but that'd be the limit of how far out in the family tree I'd be willing to go. for example - if that ladies mother died I wouldn't go to the funeral.

The Irish have a funny attitude to funerals, i know fellas who attend the funerals of people who had done work for them, sold them a car etc etc. Its a bit much tbh.

Depends on a lot of things tbh. Was she young? was it tragic? Will your fiancee be upset?

If she was a little old 100 year old lady who died in her sleep and your fiancee is just going to show face rather than to grieve then you could definitely get away with not going.

If she is a 50 year old woman who died having recently she found out she had a brain tumour and your fiancee is going to be really upset and will need hugs - then you should go.

You can mix those scenarios around if you like I think it comes down mostly though to whether or not your fiancee wants you to be there. If he does, then you probably should.

Gone Drinking

Go if you can, every tiny bit of support helps everyone involved. I know they aren't nice and I myself never liked them. However my brother was killed last week in a traffic accident and the support I've gotten has been amazing.

I appreciated every single face I saw, every message of support, handshake, hug etc. It made such a difference for me and I feel terrible that there's been family funerals that I've avoided simply because I'm not good at dealing with death.

I was always someone who said "ah sure, they won't care if I turn up or not" but they do and I've found that out first hand this past week, the hardest 7 days of my life.

Vojera

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Go if you can, every tiny bit of support helps everyone involved. I know they aren't nice and I myself never liked them. However my brother was killed last week in a traffic accident and the support I've gotten has been amazing.

I appreciated every single face I saw, every message of support, handshake, hug etc. It made such a difference for me and I feel terrible that there's been family funerals that I've avoided simply because I'm not good at dealing with death.

I was always someone who said "ah sure, they won't care if I turn up or not" but they do and I've found that out first hand this past week, the hardest 7 days of my life.

Really sorry to hear that

Gone Drinking

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Go if you can, every tiny bit of support helps everyone involved. I know they aren't nice and I myself never liked them. However my brother was killed last week in a traffic accident and the support I've gotten has been amazing.

Sorry to hear that Gone Drinking. I've been there, it's hard as fcuk. If you need a whinge drop me a PM any time.

Maximus Alexander

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Go if you can, every tiny bit of support helps everyone involved. I know they aren't nice and I myself never liked them. However my brother was killed last week in a traffic accident and the support I've gotten has been amazing.

Hug

tony1980

Just go for support, it will look bad if you don't. Don't give anyone anything to say, it will be over before you know it and you will be glad you went!

razorblunt

Go to the rosary if there is one, it's the least "sad" of the three (rosary, removal, burying).

People remember who turned up.

wexie

Considering most of the people that will be at this funeral will be at your wedding (presumably) maybe you should ask yourself if you want to hear about how it was a shame you couldn't make it on your wedding day.

I've found the older generation of Irish people to have long memories about these things and they're not always quite so forgiving or understanding.

heretochat

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Go if you can, every tiny bit of support helps everyone involved.

I appreciated every single face I saw, every message of support, handshake, hug etc. It made such a difference for me

Also agree with this. Had a very close family member pass away a couple of years ago and really the support offered by people, family and strangers alike, was a huge help. It is a cliche but a true one all the same.

My sympathies GD at this terrible time for you.

sbsquarepants

There's normally a great session tacked on to the end. Some of the best days out start with a funeral!

Edit. Just noticed your username - surely you know this to be true already!

Honey-ec

I wouldn't feel obliged, I have to say. She's not a blood relative. My aunt's husband died in March and I certainly wouldn't have expected my husband to take a day off work to attend the funeral.

Mind you, seeing as we broke up last year, he probably would have been quite surprised if I had.

TheBody

@ Gone Drinking.....sorry to hear that.

@op You kinda have to go. You might think your absence won't be noticed in the crowds but it will. Families have long memories when it comes to this sort of thing. There are times in life when we just have to suck it up and do stuff we don't want to. This is one of those times.

Hunchback

Not to diminish or belittle the tragedy of a family death, but I reckon while you are in still in the early stages of your relationship and are engaged, it prolly is important for you to go, just to keep everything cool with the OH.

As the years pass, you will get to know the family better, and be able to assess familial expectations for yourself. You'll prolly find that you care less what his extended family think as the years roll by, but in the meantime, I reckon, it's pretty much a good idea to go and leave early enough

While people remember those who do attend, I really don't think they remember those who don't unless they're a really close friend or relative.

Legs.Eleven

Very sorry for your loss, Gone drinking.

sparrowcar

This is not about you.. It's about supporting the person you love so get over your own issues and be there for your OH.

It sounds harsh but put the shoe on the other foot.. How would you feel of he didn't turn up for a death in your family.

force eleven

This thing of 'what'll people think' is really annoying. If you don't want to go,don't.

Vojera

[Deleted User] wrote: »

While people remember those who do attend, I really don't think they remember those who don't unless they're a really close friend or relative.

In this case, though, I imagine it would be noticed. I know in my family because there are so many of us it's really only weddings and funerals where we can all get together and catch up. So chances are that at the tea afterwards some of the OP's fiancé's family will be saying "Oh, I hear you're engaged now. And where is the lovely lady?"

OP, is there a wake or a removal you could go to instead? If you could do that then missing the funeral would be fine.

sparrowcar

sparrowcar wrote: »

This is not about you.. It's about supporting the person you love so get over your own issues and be there for your OH.

It sounds harsh but put the shoe on the other foot.. How would you feel of he didn't turn up for a death in your family.

Wouldn't that depend entirely on how he feels about the death though?

Like I said, if he wants her to be there, she should be there. If he is only going because he feels he should and is not going to need any support, then she shouldn't have to go.

Agent Smith

Tbh you've agreed to marry him,and as such agreed to share every aspect of his family, as he has yours.

Reverse the roles, would you expect him to go if it was your aunt? (Even by marriage)

Even if it was strictly family only, you'd still be expected to go I'd imagine

Richard Hillman

Get yourself a whoopie cushion or the ends of a shower gel bottle. Go to the jacks and make as much noise as possible with them. Tell your missus you are feeling a bit under the weather but will try and join them later in the boozer. Sit at home and have a couple of beers in your boxers and then join them later when everyone is feeling a bit merrier.

biko

Tbh, I'd go. It's only a few hours of your time and might help cement your relationship with the rest of the family.

lukesmom

Gone Drinking wrote: »

Go if you can, every tiny bit of support helps everyone involved. I know they aren't nice and I myself never liked them. However my brother was killed last week in a traffic accident and the support I've gotten has been amazing.

I appreciated every single face I saw, every message of support, handshake, hug etc. It made such a difference for me and I feel terrible that there's been family funerals that I've avoided simply because I'm not good at dealing with death.

I was always someone who said "ah sure, they won't care if I turn up or not" but they do and I've found that out first hand this past week, the hardest 7 days of my life.

Jesus I'm so sorry to hear about your brother may he rest in peace x

I Heart Internet

0210ania wrote: »

It will sounds horrible but i don't really want to go because i don't take funerals very well.

This is really about you. It's about a person who has died and a grieving family.

You really should go. It's the respectful thing to do in my honest opinion.

0210ania

Gone Drinking wrote: »

I've found that out first hand this past week, the hardest 7 days of my life.

I am SO sorry for your loss :-( I'm terrible in saying 'right things' but I know how hard it is on you right now. I lost someone i was very close with 6 years ago, and sometimes i'm still feeling like i stil don't accept this what happened. But I know he wouldn't want my life to stop. and so your brother..so live it for both of you. And remember that he is still with you/next to you but in a different way.

As you guys saying I probably will go, unfortunatly I can't only show my face and leave becuase it's in west of Ireland .. I live in Dublin.
Strangely enough removal is on Saturday, funeral on sunday ..i'm workign office hours mon - fr so work can't be my excuse.

But If boarding kennels won't have spaces for my dog thank I will have to stay.. but I would be embarrased to use it as an excuse?

seamus

My wife's grandfather died like 3 years before I met her (so 16 years ago), I'm not Catholic and she still gets a little peeved that I don't go to the yearly memorial mass for him.

So yes, you should go. You have no good reason not to. You're family now.

Strangely enough removal is on Saturday, funeral on sunday ..i'm workign office hours mon - fr so work can't be my excuse.

But If boarding kennels won't have spaces for my dog thank I will have to stay.. but I would be embarrased to use it as an excuse?

Bring the dog. Use "I have to get back to the dog before he wrecks the place" as an excuse to nip out when it gets too much for you, and use the "I have things to do before work tomorrow" excuse, to leave early on Sunday.

HondaSami

If you respect him and his family you will go, it would be rude IMO not to attend.

Funerals like this one aren't about how you feel it's about being there and making other people feel better by showing a bit of strength for them. This is a member of your fiancee's family so yes you would be expected to go to it.

Honey-ec

Jesus, some families are clearly very judgemental. If it was my family and a non-blood relative's funeral, the conversation would go like this.

Relative: Oh, where's [insert partner's name]?

You: They couldn't make it.

Relative: Fair enough.

End of conversation.

Moneymaker

Yeah you should go. They're hard things to go to but every bit of support helps. I always dread going but I know the people affected will appreciate and not forget that I was there.

Sorry for your loss GD.

OP - the main question here is this:

Does your fiancee want you to attend with him?

Sleepy

seamus wrote: »

My wife's grandfather died like 3 years before I met her (so 16 years ago), I'm not Catholic and she still gets a little peeved that I don't go to the yearly memorial mass for him.

So yes, you should go. You have no good reason not to. You're family now.

Bring the dog. Use "I have to get back to the dog before he wrecks the place" as an excuse to nip out when it gets too much for you, and use the "I have things to do before work tomorrow" excuse, to leave early on Sunday.

Am I reading the bolded bit right? :eek:

Whatever about the rudeness of not showing up to a family funeral, bringing a frigging dog along would be the height of disrespect.

OP, yes you're obligated to go and unless you have to overnight it, I can't see why the dog wouldn't be fine in the back garden.

Goat the dote

Go.

danniemcq

seamus wrote: »

Bring the dog. Use "I have to get back to the dog before he wrecks the place" as an excuse to nip out when it gets too much for you, and use the "I have things to do before work tomorrow" excuse, to leave early on Sunday.

Don't bring the dog ffs!

That would look terrible and you would look like an eejit.

Dog will be grand will a bowl of water and food for 24 hours. If its outdoors then even better, if indoor doggy bit of paper on the ground.

This is a service where their family will be there if you are a no show it will look bad for you. Stop looking for excuses to dodge something that you can't dodge. If you think its gonna be hard on your imagine what its like for the family.

Go and give your support.

Ush1

“Can people please stop using the word ‘obligate’ as a verb?” The noun is “obligation” and the verb is “to oblige.” - Alan Partridge

ballsymchugh

Honey-ec wrote: »

Jesus, some families are clearly very judgemental. If it was my family and a non-blood relative's funeral, the conversation would go like this.

Relative: Oh, where's [insert partner's name]?

You: They went on an internet forum looking for any ould reason not to come.

Relative: ya wha?!!

End of conversation.

fyp

0210ania

seamus wrote: »

Bring the dog. Use "I have to get back to the dog before he wrecks the place" as an excuse to nip out when it gets too much for you, and use the "I have things to do before work tomorrow" excuse, to leave early on Sunday.

You actually made me laugh firts time today I think I would focus all attention to me and my dog. people give me strange looks already when i'm walking him because it's a staffie (no judgement pelase;))

So no, I wouldn't event think of taking dog with me.

My partner knows me and he know how funerals are hard on me.
He want's me to feel ok more than anything but maybe i have to forget about me ...

He is not overly upset, but feels sad ... his auntie was relatively young person, had still young kids etc. and he want's to be there for his uncle.
He wouldn't be bothered if I wasn't there but i'm more worried if it would look very bad ifI didn't go