I feel like I am drowning

sineadmc701

This past week I started back at college, 2nd year science.
I had noticed symptoms of depression early on, but put on a brave face in front of people and then whenever I would be alone I would cry. It became the worst on Thursday night because of bottling things up for that long, I cried quite a bit. Other symptoms I've had: not being able to enjoy anything, e.g. being in the lecture of the subject for which I worked so hard in first year to get, and watching movies with my housemates (that has been one good thing in a bad bad week). I noticed it in myself that it's not normal to just feel nothing during these times. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I am intimidated by course work, when I never have been before, it is unlike me (I was a swot in school).
On top of all this, there are problems at home. My dad is not affectionate, and says he never will be 'lovey-dovey'. I told him I'm not looking for that, just his own version of showing he cares. When I confided in him that I was depressed, I was really looking for comfort, and he said to me "that's the way of the world". I am a logical person and can appreciate that, but I feel completely alone. I also have a troubled relationship with my mother that is eating away at me. I have also confided in college friends and a friend from my home town (which I think maybe was a mistake confiding in any friends) and they understand, but they're not... I don't know if they see the gravity of the situation.
I have a history of depression, and I am frankly sick of this popping up again and again. I have dealt with it in the past, worked though it and actually thrived last year, and during the summer even. It is just not worth it.
Counselling is not for me, before someone suggests the college counselling services. It is my experience that for me, counselling just builds up a problem, rather than break it down.
I just want these feelings to go away, so that I can get on with college and continue to have the messed up home life, which is nothing new. The depression seemed to come out of nowhere. And I can't seem to focus in class or keep track of my responsibilities, also unlike me. I am ambitious and the idea of this popping up again and again makes me question whether I am even able for it all.

December2012

Hi OP!

Would you go and see a GP and talk about medication? It can help with the depression and what it is doing to your body and your mind.

While that is happening you can work on the rest of things that will make you happier, like your college and your social life.

Counselling is only one of the things that can help, there are other options like exercise, diet, art, expressing creativity.

These may help - well done on recognising the symptoms.

Btw - in case you didn't know, your Dad is wrong; having depression is not the way of the world.

Eeden

I'm sorry to read about your problems with depression. It seems to be to be very common in people in their first few years in college. I know several people who are going through situations that sound remarkably like yours. (I realize that's not a very helpful thing to say, sorry!)

I'm not great at giving advice, and I know you say counselling isn't for you, but perhaps you haven't found the right type of counselling? Someone I know (who has deferred her college course for a year for fear of messing it up), has had a few counselling sessions but feels this particular counsellor doesn't suit her, so she is going to look for something different.

I understand that it's really difficult to make decisions in your situation when everything seems so futile.

You seem to have good insight into your depression, which is good. Please hang in there and I really hope that you can find a way of dealing with this.

noah45

OP Firstly you are not alone. Going back to college is a change and give yourself a few weeks to settle in again. Congratulate yourself on being in 2nd year.
Its normal to feel overwhelmed by course work.

I have suffered from depression for nearly 20 years and it does come out of nowhere. I find counselling fantastic, but you may need to try a few before you find one that suits you. A lot of places offer low cost counselling. It could help you deal with the problems at home.

Also try sites likehttp://turn2me.org and aware.ie
You really should pay your gp a visit, they will listen and provide help.

Also keep posting, and try the depression board here on longterm illness. This will help show you that you are definately not alone and people understand exactly what you are going through.

There is help to get through the horrible depression.

freshpopcorn

It can be very hard being depressed to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
By the sounds of it you do like your college course and you do have friends that you felt you could confide in these are positives in your life.
I know you feel annoyed with your dad but that is just the way he's built and it would be hard to change him. He does love you because he's your dad. He might find it hard to understand depression if he hasn't experienced it. He could feel that you have friends and you like your college course so you have a lot of things to look up to.
I would suggest you go to your GP for a chat and see what they say.
Also, try and stay healthy eat the right foods and go for a walk/run(Exercise is good to keep your mind active/fresh). I'd also recommend avoiding alcohol because it is a depressant and often can put people in a bad mood!

vitani

CBT might be an option for you - the idea is to work on changing automatic thought patterns which can lead to depression so it might be a more long term solution than just trying to fight this one bout of depression.

I know how it feels, OP. I go through cycles of depression as well - thankfully, none as bad as the first time I went through it - and when I start to feel down, I get so frustrated because I'm sick of having to make the effort to fight it off. But I find the more cycles I go through, the shorter the next one is and the easier I can deal with it because I've come through it so many times already. You've beaten this before - you can get through it again.

One thing I will say is that if it's getting on top of you and you're struggling with coursework, go to your lecturers or tutors and let them know. In my experience, most of them will be supportive and it'll be a huge weight off your mind once you've told them.

emuhead

I've found ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) self help exercises very helpful in building up some resilience against depression. I know it sounds wishy washy but it's kick ass stuff. I've also found attending a support group useful. I attended Grow for almost 3 years www.grow.ie. This was all about setting targets and getting support in meeting those from people who understand.

Neither of these involved delving deep into reasons why I was depressed and the past. They were more about the present and getting stuck into life as it is, despite the negative feelings. There is plenty of information on both via google and you can get self help workbooks and attend workshops on ACT. Obviously this is just my experience and I'm not advocating you take this path.

Just when you said counselling didn't work for you it struck a chord with me as I found counselling counterproductive in my case.

The counselling services for most universities have access to online self help resources as well via their website.

I went through a pretty horrendous time with depression myself and I've not had an episode for years now. I know that horrible deja vu feeling when you think 'here I go again.' You will get through this OP.

sineadmc701

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read and reply. I have found each one useful, and I'm weighing up my options on what action to take tomorrow. Again, thanks, the replies really mean something. I am going to the GP tomorrow, and normally I would be exercising etc, but I don't have the physical strength to do so right now, hopefully some medication will help me feel more 'normal', so as to tackle things better.

LegacyUser

sineadmc701 wrote: »

Counselling is not for me, before someone suggests the college counselling services. It is my experience that for me, counselling just builds up a problem, rather than break it down.

Are you saying that youve tried counselling, and you know its not for you?

I would have the opposite opinion.

I think medication etc, while it works for different people for different situations (for e.g., clinical depression, general anxiety), it does not sort the root of problems or issues that you are having with your family.

Counselling I think makes you face up to the problem. 1 session wont sort you. It takes time and perseverance. Sometimes its ongoing. I think its interesting that your father dismisses emotion. And its something you seem to be avoiding also. Thats just food for thought/something to explore. Thats something you can explore and come to understand if you are open, with the right counsellor.