Staying together for the kids?

PLUG71

Should a couple stay together for the sake of their children?

WhatNowForUs?

To simplistic a question. Depends on circumstances.

PLUG71

WhatNowForUs? wrote: »

To simplistic a question. Depends on circumstances.

Both parents unhappy,no violence or big rows just a miserable atmosphere.
Parents worried this will impact on the children 1-3 years of age and equaly worried that separation will impact on them more so.

Taltos

OP - this forum is for support for those going through or considering going through a separation or a divorce.
For parenting questions there is the parenting forum.

If you want this moved please let us know, otherwise if you cannot expand on the advice you need in relation to either a separation / divorce we will proceed and close this thread.

Thanks
Taltos

PLUG71

Taltos wrote: »

OP - this forum is for support for those going through or considering going through a separation or a divorce.
For parenting questions there is the parenting forum.

If you want this moved please let us know, otherwise if you cannot expand on the advice you need in relation to either a separation / divorce we will proceed and close this thread.

Thanks
Taltos

Ok move if you wish.
However the question was asked in relation to a pending separation.

desbrook

PLUG71 wrote: »

Both parents unhappy,no violence or big rows just a miserable atmosphere.
Parents worried this will impact on the children 1-3 years of age and equaly worried that separation will impact on them more so.

You are giving minimal details but every piece of information given would point to the point to the fact that you would be very foolish to "stay together for the kids " .

It's very tempting to think it would be more damaging to split when your children are very young . Its an emotional/gut response to the fact they are so small and relatively helpless . The reality is they can adapt much easier , and very soon they will know no different . The reality is also that new partners will emerge on the scene and again young kids can adapt more easily .

I'm noting too that it sounds like you both have mutually decided that your relationship is over . There doesn't sound like there is much animosity . You need to co-operate ir you want to separate peacefully . If you stay together it's unlikely this situation will remain . Cracks will emerge as night follows day .

You don't say if you are married or what financially ties you have with your partner but again putting off the split - (AND YOU WILL SPLIT) will deepen these ties and make it many times more complicated and messy to undo them .

Overall I'm saying that "staying together for the kid's" is really like making an emotional bomb and putting it under your kids bed every night . Every night you stay it bigger and more powerful . There is almost certainty it will explode some night . At the moment it'll probably be a harmless bang and the kids will soon nod back off . Be brave x

PLUG71

desbrook wrote: »

You are giving minimal details but every piece of information given would point to the point to the fact that you would be very foolish to "stay together for the kids " .

It's very tempting to think it would be more damaging to split when your children are very young . Its an emotional/gut response to the fact they are so small and relatively helpless . The reality is they can adapt much easier , and very soon they will know no different . The reality is also that new partners will emerge on the scene and again young kids can adapt more easily .

I'm noting too that it sounds like you both have mutually decided that your relationship is over . There doesn't sound like there is much animosity . You need to co-operate ir you want to separate peacefully . If you stay together it's unlikely this situation will remain . Cracks will emerge as night follows day .

You don't say if you are married or what financially ties you have with your partner but again putting off the split - (AND YOU WILL SPLIT) will deepen these ties and make it many times more complicated and messy to undo them .

Overall I'm saying that "staying together for the kid's" is really like making an emotional bomb and putting it under your kids bed every night . Every night you stay it bigger and more powerful . There is almost certainty it will explode some night . At the moment it'll probably be a harmless bang and the kids will soon nod back off . Be brave x

Thankyou for your very realistic opinion.

sparkling sea

Many people going through bad times "stay together for the kids", sometimes things change and they some how manage to find an even better relationship and sometimes they don't.


Relationship counselling seems to help in deciding what to do and if ye are both going to stay or even just unable to leave because of fear or finanical difficulties or whatever ye may as well give it the best shot; it makes life easier for everyone especially the kids.

Family Support Agency site will have details of free counselling services nationwide.

If you do decide to spilt the Family Mediation Sevice has a mediation pack; if you ring your local Citizens Information Centre they will post you out one. It covers all areas related to separation and/or divorce.

The following ifo is copied from CIC website and might be helpful to you
Family Mediation Service

Information
Rules
Rates
How to apply
Where To apply

Information
What is mediation?

Mediation is a service to help couples in Ireland who have decided to separate or divorce, or who have already separated, to negotiate their own terms of agreement, while addressing the needs and interests of all involved. Mediation allows people to make their own decisions.
How can mediation help?

The Family Mediation Service encourages the separating couple to co-operate with each other in working out mutually acceptable arrangements on all or any of the following:

Parenting the children
Financial support
Family home and property
Other problems related to the separation

The Family Mediation Service describes the role of the mediator as follows:

To see a couple together and help them settle their differences.
To create a climate in which neither party dominates but in which both parties participate fully in good faith.
To create and maintain an atmosphere of co-operation and responsibility.
To help couples deal with difficult emotional issues that can prevent them reaching agreement.
To help couples reach agreement that they believe to be fair, equitable and workable.

How does the service operate?

A professionally trained mediator assists the couple to reach their own agreement.

Both parties attend.
Discussions are confidential.
The mediator does not take sides.

For an appointment with the Family Mediation Service, both parties must contact the service and confirm their willingness to attend.
How long does it take?

Mediation usually takes between two and six sessions. Each session lasts approximately one hour.
Outcome

Most mediations end with a written document that sets out all the details of the couple's agreement. This can then be taken to solicitors to be drawn into a Legal Deed of Separation and/or Decree of Divorce.
What is a family session?

When a couple has reached an agreement, a session is offered to parents to invite their children in to discuss their new family arrangements.
What are the advantages of mediation?

These include:

The Family Mediation Service is a confidential service.
Each mediated agreement deals with the particular needs of the people involved.
A balanced agreement is reached that is acceptable to both parties.
Parents are helped to remain as partners in childrearing by developing parenting plans that are personal to each family.

Rules

This service is for married and non-married couples (including same-sex couples).
Rates

The Family Mediation Service is free.
How to apply

For an appointment, both parties must contact the service and confirm willingness to attend.
Where To apply

In November 2011, the Family Mediation Service was transferred to the Legal Aid Board. You can find a list of full-time and part-time Family Mediation Service offices, as well as information on the Family Mediation Service on the Legal Aid Board's website. They also have a leaflet on the service.

Oscars Mum

PM Sent

meoklmrk91

I am a child of divorce, do not do it, your children will not thank you for it. You may think you are protecting their family unit but what you are doing is raising them in a toxic environment, no matter how much you think you can shield them or how amicable your relationship is with their mother/father.

Oscars Mum

I too am a child of seperated parents and my husband is a child of praents who stayed together for the children.............. So hard to know what decision to make..........

OkayWhatever

My parents separated when I was younger. And i'm actually so happy that they did. It was just one of those things that should have ended years before it actually did.

Things were so much better when my dad left. Not immediately, but after things settled down, it was a much happier house. My mam was much happier and having 1 happy parent around is better than having 2 angry,unhappy parents around IMO.

Some things were obviously more difficult with one parent, but the positives strongly outweighed the negatives. Some people may not agree, but this is based on my own personal experience.

If parents aren't happy, children can tell. Just because they're young, doesn't mean they don't notice. I was 3, my older brother was 6 and my younger sister was 5 months old ( she obviously didn't have a clue), and we picked up on the unhappiness and all the bad feelings.

Vision of Disorder

I'm another child of divorce and it was pretty brutal to deal with at the time as it seemed (to me at 15) to come out of nowhere. That said, it was 100% correct for my parents to separate and divorce and there was no lasting harm done to me, my siblings or our relationships both with each other and with our parents.

Not every family is built to last OP, it is sad, it will be hard for you and your kids but you'll get through it and if you love and support each other you'll all emerge unscathed on the other side. Good luck!

Abigayle

PLUG71 wrote: »

Both parents unhappy,no violence or big rows just a miserable atmosphere.
Parents worried this will impact on the children 1-3 years of age and equaly worried that separation will impact on them more so.

It depends on the circumstances. If it had been an amicable separation that wouldn't change the atmosphere in the home too much it wouldn't be too bad.

What you are describing is a problem. Regardless of the age of a child, they will pick up on any bad atmosphere in the home, and it's probably better to live apart in that case.

I wouldn't worry about the separation itself. What really helps the children is a positive attitude, being able to spend time with both parents and some reassurance. Children can and do adapt, but they will only handle the change as well as the parents do. Neither parent should speak negatively about the other, and must support the other parent and show a spirit of unity in their parenting.

Children need to feel secure, they should come before any disagreement. They are a product of their environment, therefore a miserable one will leave them confused and miserable themselves.

IsOrangeDee

Would have to agree with a lot of other posters here - as a child of separation, my parents stayed together for the sake of myself and my siblings, which just blew up in their faces when they eventually did separate when I was 16. I've always felt it would have been a lot easier to deal with had I been younger when they separated.

Freddo123

Another child of separation.

I don't agree with staying together for the kids. I think it just sets you (the parents) up for an emotional roller-coaster. If you are unhappy in a marriage, you can't be able to hide that from the rest of the family 24/7. I was witness to my parent's slightly toxic relationship. I wouldn't say it was the worst, but it was hard to witness from 13 and under.

When they did separate when I was 13, I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to witness the constant shouting matches between them. I feel I would have been a different person today if they had stayed together and lived unhappily in the home. It would have effected myself and my siblings in a terrible way. Although, in saying that, I did suffer terrible after the separation. But it's been nearly 10 years now and they are a lot more civil to each other when they are in the same room.