GF putting me under pressure to buy presents

LegacyUser

Basically the girlfriends family is insistent on everyone giving presents for birthdays and Christmas and the girlfriend is getting extremely upset and putting me under so much pressure because I can't afford to do it. It's been explained that I can't afford it, I'm trying to get through college on €250 a month but it's rude not to buy presents, and "it will look like I don't care about [her] family" She doesn't even care that I'm after spending over €200 on her between her birthday and anniversary, I still have to buy her mother and brother birthday and Christmas presents. I'm 19 and I spent my last year in college sitting alone at home because I cant afford to go out and I'm expected to have presents ready for her family every time I seem them, I'm really can't handle this. She crying about it right now and I'm half tempted to tell her to get out and not come back. Anyone have any ideas on what I should do?

daisybelle2008

Crying? Seriously. Tell her to grow up, get over herself. Your priority is college and I don't believe for a minute her family would think badly of a cash strapped 19 yr old student who isn't even related to them not showering them with gifts. If they do that is their problem. Nip it in the bud, tell her it's not up for discussion, you are not doing it anymore and if she doesn't like it that is her problem.

December2012

I am almost tempted to say tell her to leave.

She's not listening to you and doesn't understand your concerns.

However if you don't want to do that, could you come up with some free presents instead? Ie mowing the lawn, installing broadband, etc?

moochers

Hey OP,
Tell your gf to cop the fcuk on. Seriously, she is acting like a immature brat. You explained to her that you cannot afford to buy her family presents and even if you could afford to do so, why does she expect you to buy her family presents.

They are her family she can buy them her own presents. I find it hard to believe that her family would expect you to buy them presents, as you are only 19, probably not together that long and are surviving on a strict college budget. Never mind her, let her sulk and pout all she wants, you explained your views on this. It's up to her to accept your position in a mature and understanding way.

strandroad

Tell her to learn to count.
And get them cards, it's a nice thing to do that costs very little.

Time out

Yeah my ex was similar except she insisted on huge presents for both of us so it kinda worked!
The presents thing for her family is simply not on given the financial situation and she needs to realise that. An honest discussion with her should give you the answer, if there's no compromise on this and other things then its hard to see a future together.

LegacyUser

Tell her as a student you are on a limited income and that you can't afford to buy presents for her mother and family.

I would then tell her that she if she mentions this again to you that you won't be a couple.
Tell her I don't go out with a child who throws a tantrum when she is not getting her own way.
I am sure that she is around your age so in that case she could be in college or working in a low paying job if she is lucky.
A few years ago during the so called boom people had money to spend on presents but now most people are on a limited budget.
It is time for this girl to grow up and know that she can't get everything she wants.

Faith

:eek:

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and have never bought his parents' gifts for their birthdays, nor he for mine. I'll send something small at Christmas, like a homemade food hamper, but that's it. I think you'd be perfectly justified in telling your girlfriend to fúck off, tbh. With an attitude like that, I'd be seriously reconsidering whether I wanted to be with her any more. Fair enough if you were in a well paying job with disposable income, but you're A) 19, in college, and C) living on next to nothing. There's NO WAY you should be expected to buy presents for her family at this stage.

wirelessdude01

Show her the door and tell her to use it. This family pleasing BS annoys me. All for show.

You're with someone who wants you to go through serious financial worry just so you can show up looking good at her family's house? Someone who is literally having a crying tantrum because you can't afford to get not only her but also all her relatives gifts?

If you wanted to get her family gifts under such financial strain, a loving girlfriend would beg you NOT to. It's ridiculous to put yourself through such discomfort, leaving yourself short for money to live off, just to afford luxuries for other people as a sign of good will. Surely if the good will was genuine from both parties there would be no pressure for gifting.

This isn't just an issue about the gifts. This shows a complete lack of maturity on her part (to the point of delusion really), selfishness, and insensitivity. It's possible that this is one small eccentricity of your girlfriend's behaviour, but it reeks of an overall childishness, and if I were you I wouldn't even be having the arguments you're having, I'd be gone.

Stavro Mueller

You should stand your ground. What you're being asked to do is utterly unreasonable. Out of curiosity, what are your girlfriend's circumstances? Is she a student too? Is she being funded by daddy? Does she lavish your family with gifts as well?

To me the crying and the lack of understanding about this issue are warning signs. Are you gaining an insight into an ugly part of her personality? Are we dealing with a drama queen, a manipulative person, someone who doesn't understand the true meaning of money, someone who's insensitive to the lives of other people?

Dtp79

DUMP

Big Bag of Chips

Tell her to buy the present and put both your names on the card.

Me and my husband would never give 2 individual presents to someone.

We don't give presents in general (!) But if we do, they are from us as a couple. Tell her she's in the wrong.

slarkin123

It might be wise to reconsider this relationship. If she's making such a drama over Christmas presents, even after you explained your situation, what's she going to be like in 10 years time. Once a drama queen, always a drama queen.

JenEffy

Why would she expect you to buy birthday presents for her family? Giving them tin of Roses at Christmas as a gesture is the most you should do, and even that shouldn't be expected. She sounds very immature and she has weird expectations of you. Break up with her.

drunkmonkey

Sounds like you can't afford her, bang her silly until she eventually fecks off.

LegacyUser

This would raise serious red flags for me: not just lack of consideration in her expectations, but utter disregard for you in order to 'look good' to her family. And then throwing her toys out of the pram when she doesn't get her way. A bad case of 'princess syndrome' to me. My instinct would say run, and quickly.

I'm trying to think of any way that her expectations could be condoned. All I can come up with is a cheap & cheerful bottle of wine / a fiver spent on flowers from the sellers on Grafton St for Easter / Xmas / big birthdays - but for her parents house. Not individual presents, and definitely not for siblings.

Even if some expectation of small presents for 'the house' for significant occasions could be condoned, her childish foot stamping behaviour just could never be excused. I'm afraid I'm right back to thinking that your life will be hell if you stay with this little princess.

LegacyUser

Ok, she's being an overly dramatic drama queen, but if this isn't her normal behaviour* then there's no reason to dump her for it.

I think what's going on is that you've touched a very specific nerve.
Read up on the "five languages of love"

From your post, it reads to me like the language her family and herself use is gifts. That's why it's so important to her that you buy herself and her family their traditional big expensive gifts for Christmas. When you resist it's a lot more significant to her than it would be to a normal person.

At 19, I'd suggest you use this as an opportunity to learn to communicate in relationships. First off, you need to emphasize that you ask her to really explain to you why this is important to her. Get to the bottom of how she really feels about gifts and gift giving. Then hopefully it will become more important to you to make her happy in this way or you can explain that it will never be important to you. Then you can sit down and negotiate a solution.

If you do decide to go through with gift giving. Gifts have thee components - time, money and thought. Bad gifts have none of the three, good gifts have one of the three and great gifts have two or more. With some effort you can come up with a great gift that won't cost the earth, it will simply show you made an effort.

If you decide not to, then I suggest at looking at other ways your girlfriend feels loved and trying to comfort her that way. If she wants to buy something and put your name on the card, don't resist.


*If it's her normal behaviour, or gradually escalating behaviour, then the advice to dump her applies.

heretochat

Very odd arrangement.. have never come across it before..

Your priority is getting through college.. You need your money for that..

Kudos for treating your girlfriend on her birthday but imo that is as far as your responsibilities go.

Talk to her about it and if she is worth being with she will back off and understand. If not, well you have a problem then..

Wow. This is insane. I know what it feels like to have money troubles and if someone were to then put pressure on me to spend what I didn't have, especially after telling them about it, then that'd be it. She obviously doesn't have respect for you, otherwise she wouldn't be like that.

A_Sober_Paddy

A bit off topic...but as a student, how are you earning 250 a week, most be working series hours?

Back on topic, my brother's gf is a bit like your's op, she doesn't understand why he doesn't have money despite being on the dole...he still manages to spend 100€ on her for her birthday, which is pretty much 66% of his weekly income and he saves up to go away with her...but she at times needs to be told that his money situation doesn't allow for him to slash cash around on things like nights out every week or gifts for birthday and Xmas...

I think you need to explain that your money situation doesn't allow for gifts, and show her where your money actually goes, and if she can't understand that tell her she need's to grow up...

What age is your gf?

A_Sober_Paddy

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

A bit off topic...but as a student, how are you earning 250 a week, most be working series hours?

Back on topic, my brother's gf is a bit like your's op, she doesn't understand why he doesn't have money despite being on the dole...he still manages to spend 100€ on her for her birthday, which is pretty much 66% of his weekly income and he saves up to go away with her...but she at times needs to be told that his money situation doesn't allow for him to slash cash around on things like nights out every week or gifts for birthday and Xmas...

I think you need to explain that your money situation doesn't allow for gifts, and show her where your money actually goes, and if she can't understand that tell her she need's to grow up...

What age is your gf?

He is surviving on €250 a month.

Merkin

I'd drop her in it.

Next time you are out for a family occasion or dinner with the outlaws, say to them very nicely that Princess Precious is putting extraordinary pressure on you to buy everyone gifts. Tell them how much disposable income you have and that you're short on cash as you're a student and that you hope they understand why you are not in a position to lavish them with presents.

I'd say they'll be mortified and make very public protestations that nothing whatsoever is expected from you. Have this conversation publicly and in front of everyone so it has been expressly said to you by her extended family that they don't expect anything.

Merkin

Merkin wrote: »

I'd drop her in it.

Next time you are out for a family occasion or dinner with the outlaws, say to them very nicely that Princess Precious is putting extraordinary pressure on you to buy everyone gifts. Tell them how much disposable income you have and that you're short on cash as you're a stundent and that you hope they understand why you are not in a position to lavish them with presents.

I'd say they'll be mortified and make very public protestations that nothing whatsoever is expected from you. Have this conversation publicly and in front of everyone so it has been expressly said to you by her extended family that they don't expect anything.

No offense, but this is terrible advice. If a relationship can't sort out their disputes privately without making public statements like that, then it certainly isn't a relationship that is working. OP, if you feel like that's where you're going, then you should end it.

Merkin

Deleted User wrote: »

No offense, but this is terrible advice. If a relationship can't sort out their disputes privately without making public statements like that, then it certainly isn't a relationship that is working. OP, if you feel like that's where you're going, then you should end it.

Most people reasonable people should be able to sort out disputes between themselves but the fact that she sounds totally unreasonable means that he probably won't get very far with her. No, I think him talking directly to the people he is apparently offending would be far more effective. If they have an ounce of wit or class about them then of course they won't be expecting him to go broke for such silly reasons and it will leave her with egg on her face.

A_Sober_Paddy

[Deleted User] wrote: »

He is surviving on €250 a month.

Oh wow, major misread on my behalf...that is very difficult to do...when I was in college one of my mates, could barely get by on 250 a week, getting by on 25% of that is very tough...

Emme

OP, you're 19. Your priority is getting through college successfully, not pleasing your girlfriend's family with suitable presents. How long have you two been together?

I would advise you to take a break from the relationship or break it off altogether. She sounds inconsiderate. If she asks you why you're easing off/finishing up with her tell her you can't afford to be in a serious relationship right now. It sounds like you need to broaden your horizons a bit. Join some college societies, make new friends, there is life out there to be had. Enjoy yourself for the moment, plenty of time to find a serious girlfriend when you leave college and get a job that affords YOU a decent lifestyle.

Henry9

Get yourself a proper girlfriend, not an overindulged, spoilt drama queen.

wasper

Confused and Broke wrote: »

Basically the girlfriends family is insistent on everyone giving presents for birthdays and Christmas and the girlfriend is getting extremely upset and putting me under so much pressure because I can't afford to do it. It's been explained that I can't afford it, I'm trying to get through college on €250 a month but it's rude not to buy presents, and "it will look like I don't care about [her] family" She doesn't even care that I'm after spending over €200 on her between her birthday and anniversary, I still have to buy her mother and brother birthday and Christmas presents. I'm 19 and I spent my last year in college sitting alone at home because I cant afford to go out and I'm expected to have presents ready for her family every time I seem them, I'm really can't handle this. She crying about it right now and I'm half tempted to tell her to get out and not come back. Anyone have any ideas on what I should do?

You don't need this relationship. She is an idiot that doesn't understand basic economic realities and diverting your energies and concentration from schooling into silly situation.