Overcoming shyness before college... Brace yourselves, life story included

rawn

I've always been a shy, timid person. Back when I was in secondary school I had no friends. Any time the others in my class tried to speak to me I would panic and say something stupid and get weird looks. Eventually everyone stopped trying and I wound up sitting alone all the time praying no one would try to talk to me in case I made myself look stupid again. After a few years of this the loneliness and awkwardness got to me and I tried to join in conversations, either to be ignored or just not heard. I wound up leaving school after 5th year because I couldn't cope. Eventually I got a job at 17 and somehow managed to make friends there, and grew in confidence, though I still remained shy and timid around anyone outside my group of 4. I am now 25 and have an amazing boyfriend of nearly 3 years and a wider circle of friends and am more confident than I have ever been, although still as bad as ever with strangers. I'm starting college as a mature student in a few weeks. I really, really thought that now that I'm older, more mature and happy with my life that I would find it easier in a classroom environment but boy was I wrong! Went in to my new college for registration, me and the class were sitting in a classroom waiting for our new tutor to arrive and well... I might as well have been 14 again... Everyone chatting to each other around me and I sat there staring at the table praying no one would try to talk to me for fear of getting flustered and looking stupid. I tried to get myself to even just introduce myself to the guy beside me but I couldn't make myself do it, I was simultaneously scared he would answer and I'd actually have to try to talk to a stranger, and scared he wouldn't hear me talking and I'd feel humiliated! The whole encounter has really put the fear in me. Class starts in 2 weeks and I can't and WON'T regress to being that timid scared awkward person again, not now that I've come so far!! Help me, how do I muster up the confidence to talk to people I don't know?! I can talk the ears off anyone when I'm drunk, why not sober?!

miamee

Oh dear OP, I have been that shy and timid person in a group so I know how you feel. If you are a mature student, it will hopefully make it easier to talk to people younger than you. They will be clueless about so many things that you will be the wise and knowledgeable one of the bunch with lots of advice

You need to get to a point where you don't care (or pretend to yourself that you don't). "I'm just going to talk to this person beside me, I don't care if they talk back or not but I'll say hello".

Everyone is in the same boat in the first week or two of college, they don't know anyone else or maybe one other person so everyone will be expecting people to introduce themselves or will do the introducing. "Hi my name is X, what's yours?" is not going to kill you even though it feels like it might before you open your mouth and say it. The other person will reciprocate and ask you some sort of question and that's it - you now know one person in the class!
Make eye contact with as many people as you can when entering the classroom, lots of eye contact and smiles makes you appear very approachable and friendly so that other people will be more likely to introduce themselves to you - no need for you to make the first move if this works

pmason

Hi OP
Well I have something a bit like that. I dread doing presentation, feel weak an all that! Anyway I did a few sessions of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and it really helped. I had to do a presentation for a course I was doing and only for it I dont think I would have been able to do it. Its a little expensive but I really think its worth it.

Good Luck:)

rawn

Thanks guys, glad it's not just me! I find it hard to pinpoint why it is I can't start a conversation with a stranger. I'm just as afraid of them talking to me as I am of them not talking to me! Sometimes I get like a deer in the headlights when someone talks to me, I literally feel like my brain grinds to a halt and I can't function enough to respond properly so I just laugh nervously or say "no way" or "oh right" or something. CBT sounds interesting, IIRC that involves changing the tone that you think in, is it? Like omitting the word "can't" and all that?

ShaShaBear

rawn wrote: »

Thanks guys, glad it's not just me! I find it hard to pinpoint why it is I can't start a conversation with a stranger. I'm just as afraid of them talking to me as I am of them not talking to me! Sometimes I get like a deer in the headlights when someone talks to me, I literally feel like my brain grinds to a halt and I can't function enough to respond properly so I just laugh nervously or say "no way" or "oh right" or something. CBT sounds interesting, IIRC that involves changing the tone that you think in, is it? Like omitting the word "can't" and all that?

OP, I have had this issue, and still do.
I started college again as a mature student three years ago and was absolutely terrified, almost to the point of tears.
I would suggest, if your college has one, to attend the Society event. I went to mine, totally lost and alone, and signed up for the most bustling event there. Everyone else was at it, so obviously this was a very popular society in the college. I had no interest in archery, but I went along to the first meeting, had to work in groups and managed to meet fantastic people, one of whom was actually in my course, and he went on to introduce me to all of his friends. They were very open and welcoming, and I am firm friends with all of them to this day.

I understand how hard it is, and it seems to actually get harder as you get older, but trust me, people in college are mostly very friendly and I can assure you that unless you are going to a smaller college where most of the class all know each other locally, there will be at least one other person there who doesn't have anyone to talk to. You'll learn over the course of a week or so who it is, and you might find they're just delighted to have someone in the same boat!