Am I too slow?

Lanalane

I have fallen madly in love with a guy. We are together since April 2012. We both feel and know that we are soulmates. I am mid 20s.
I am going to spend my future with him and I look forward to when we have our baby. It's like my future with him looks exciting and having him in my life fullfills me. However while I am deeply content with our relationship he thinks I am too slow and we should at least be properly engaged by now. (we had a small engagement between ourselves where I gave him my promise and he gave me a little ring)
Am I wrong to take my time with these things or am I mean for "delaying" as he says? He always asks me what the delay is but I wish he would understand that I'm not going to leave him and I do want all these things in future with him.
What hurt me was when he said "I love our relationship but where is it going!?? We are in the same routine with no advancement"
He is clearly feeling like we are not moving forward while I am enjoying and loving every minute of his time.
Any advice?

Mr. Manager

Engaged after a year seems pretty quick to me. Is it possible he's moving too fast? Is there anything from his past that would indicate why he is in a "hurry" to do these things?

heretochat

Makes a change to see a thread where the male partner in the relationship is the one who is looking for the commitment

When you say he is frustrated that you and he are not engaged by now, has he asked you to marry him? Have you said that you are not ready for this step?

If you are not ready for that step yet and are happy to remain as things are for now you need to make that clear to him.

PucaMama

Op maybe he just doesn't understand why you say you want these things like marriage children etc but wont go ahead and make a start? It can be hard when both agree they want something and one drags their heels. It can leave u feeling that there must be a hidden reason.

CaraMay

I'm sure he is frustrated that you won't make your engagement public.

Kerryfootball

From a man's perspective I think you are rushing things and it's all a bit too much too quickly.
I'm like that myself I'd fall for someone and all of a sudden be making plans etc in the end it would be rushed and end up not working.
I met a girl 6 years ago who would not rush anything. It really was the best thing that could happen for me and our relationship got stronger as time passed.
Next month she will be my wife...

Plenty of time for children etc just enjoy each other, travel, eat in nice places , things will work out in time.. stop talking about kids after one year.. a solid relationship is needed before kids arrive as that will test any relationship.

Best of luck

kylith

I think that he seems to be pushing to go quite fast. You've only been together for 18 months and you're only in your mid-20s. I would be inclined to remember the old adage; marry in haste, repent at leisure.

You're allowed to move at a pace that you're comfortable with, don't forget that.

CaraMay

kylith wrote: »

I think that he seems to be pushing to go quite fast. You've only been together for 18 months and you're only in your mid-20s. I would be inclined to remember the old adage; marry in haste, repent at leisure.

You're allowed to move at a pace that you're comfortable with, don't forget that.

But they are engaged!!! Is be annoyed if my fiancee wouldnt tell the world we were engaged nevermind arrange a wedding.

maguic24

Lanalane wrote: »

I have fallen madly in love with a guy. We are together since April 2012. We both feel and know that we are soulmates. I am mid 20s.
I am going to spend my future with him and I look forward to when we have our baby. It's like my future with him looks exciting and having him in my life fullfills me. However while I am deeply content with our relationship he thinks I am too slow and we should at least be properly engaged by now. (we had a small engagement between ourselves where I gave him my promise and he gave me a little ring)
Am I wrong to take my time with these things or am I mean for "delaying" as he says? He always asks me what the delay is but I wish he would understand that I'm not going to leave him and I do want all these things in future with him.
What hurt me was when he said "I love our relationship but where is it going!?? We are in the same routine with no advancement"
He is clearly feeling like we are not moving forward while I am enjoying and loving every minute of his time.
Any advice?

You've only been together a year ffs!! I've been with my bf nearly 3 years, no chance of me getting married in the next 3 either!!!! He's the one moving wayyy to fast.

Once people hit their late 20's/early 30's it's like they are compelled to marry, even if that means rushing into marriage. Such a load of bullsh*t.

kylith

CaraMay wrote: »

But they are engaged!!! Is be annoyed if my fiancee wouldnt tell the world we were engaged nevermind arrange a wedding.

Even so it's not set in stone and the OP can push back the wedding until she feels comfortable with the speed at which the relationship is moving.

The op said their not 'properly' engaged, presumably more of a 'promise' situation than an engagement.

If the OP doesn't want to tell people they're engaged then I would think that she has some reservations. I would certainly be concerned if my BF started pushing me to get married after we'd only been together a little over a year; how can you know someone well enough to agree to spend the rest of your lives together in such a short period of time?

CaraMay

She never said he is pushing for the wedding now. I read it that it's engagement related.

LegacyUser

Why is he so keen to get engaged/ married so quickly as I presume that you are both in your mid to late 20's? Are you living together? Are you planing to buy a house or would you have the money for a wedding at the moment or within the next few years?

Could I ask does your boyfriend have other friends or a life outside your relationship?
Have his friends got married recently or are they in serious relationships?
Would his parents be making comments about to him about getting married?
Is it possible that he could get an inheritance when he gets married?
Does he get on well with your family and friends? Have your friends said anything to you about him ie have they noticed that he always wants to be with you or have they noticed things they did not like saying to you?
He may feel that your friends don't like him but once you get engaged you will become his and not be friendly with them any longer.
Does he expect to have things his own way always? Do his long term plans matter more than yours?

You need to tell him that you are happy in your relationship at the moment. Tell him you are serious about your future but that you see marriage as more than a big out for his family and friends.

One thing is that if he keeps pushing for an engagement/wedding ask him what is the rush?
Don't be in any rush to get married just because he want this or his family want him to get married. Also don't rush into marriage because all your friends are in serious relationships/getting married or having children.
I know couples who rushed into marriage in there 20's due to the above and 10 years later they are only staying together due to financial reasons or because they have children.

I know couples who met in there early to late 20's and in most case it was at least 4/5 years after they met when they got married. They went out, went on holidays and got to know each other well. In some cases they lived together. They enjoyed this time of getting to know each other well and build up a strong relationship before arranging a wedding, buying a house or having children.

My advice to you if he keeps pushing for an engagement is to walk away as it could be alerting you to the fact that long term he wants things his own way.
Also it could be showing you that he may not cope well if you things don't go according to this plan or that he won't cope if you ran into problems ie had problems getting pregnant, had money worries or had a disabled/sick child.
If you were 10 years older I could understand him wanted to get married quicker if you both wanted a family but what is the rush in your mid 20's.

Elmer Blooker

I can only describe some of the posts here as cold blooded!
There is a possibility that this guy is madly in love with her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He may not be a possessive weirdo!
But am I surprised? Not really, from my own experience over the years I've noticed that women tend to back off and give the "I need my space" bull**** when a guy gets too serious.

ShaShaBear

Elmer Blooker wrote: »

I can only describe some of the posts here as cold blooded!
There is a possibility that this guy is madly in love with her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He may not be a possessive weirdo!
But am I surprised? Not really, from my own experience over the years I've noticed that women tend to back off and give the "I need my space" bull**** when a guy gets too serious.

Have to agree here, actually found one post - deeming such a "rush" as bullcrap - as kind of offensive. I am with my partner 1.5 years and we are also engaged. I am 25 and he is 27 (we are both about to hit birthdays in the next few months). I don't have a shadow of doubt that we will marry, and be very happy, and I find it very chastising that anyone could assume that we are rushing because of our age.

I began dating on a relatively serious level at 18, him at 16. I have had 4 serious relationships (aside from him), all of which were at least one year, one almost three. He has had 3, the shortest being over 2 years and the longest being almost 5. Between the two of us, we can tell you stories about physical and emotional abuse, cheating, being dumped, being lied to and stalking. I know I speak for us both when I say we have more than had our share of abusive and demeaning relationships. Because of that, when we met, we had a healthy respect for each other as individuals, we had learned how to treat each other with love and to make each other happy, we had learned how to listen, and when it is important to act/talk. Having been lied to, cheated on and physically and emotionally abused, it is a fantastic and euphoric feeling to be with a man that I trust implicitly, treats me like a princess and is very open with his feelings (be they positive or negative). Never mind that we want exactly the same things from life (marriage and kids and plenty of dogs ) and that I find him very attractive and we have an explosive sex life!

Why on earth would anyone with this kind of relationship want to take it handy? My parents were met and married within a year, and lasted a good and healthy 28 years until my father passed away. To have something so solid, so good, so dependable and so enjoyable. Well, I can only speak for myself, but I would never have risked dragging my heels in this relationship, and risk him leaving me for someone who can show they mean what they say and feel.

jimmycrackcorm

Op, why do you not want to move forward at the pace he wants? I.e. Not that you have to but what is actually stopping you?

Eg. Do you think that honestly you need a few years together to be sure that a lifetime commitment is warranted.

JenEffy

Why do ye need to be engaged and get married? Why can't he be happy that he's in a relationship with you? Being married doesn't make the relationship any more real or serious.

December2012

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

Op, why do you not want to move forward at the pace he wants? I.e. Not that you have to but what is actually stopping you?

Eg. Do you think that honestly you need a few years together to be sure that a lifetime commitment is warranted.

I think this is the only question that the OP needs to ask - because ages the only one who can answer it.

It is completely irrelevant the pace that any other relationship takes - this one has the two of you in it.

OP if I were you I would be asking myself
1) do I really and truly want to be with this guy forever?
2) in what firm do I want us to be together and WHY?
3) why are we not public about our engagement?

No such thing as a wrong answer OP.

And to clarify: OP only has to answer these questions to herself, not on here.

ABajaninCork

Just to give another perspective.

There's no time limit on knowing if a guy is 'The One'. My husband & I were engaged just over a year after meeting, and married the year after that. Before that, I'd had several LT relationships (8, 6, and 5 years), and never lived with ANY of the guys, far less marrying them!

You do things your way, and in your OWN time. Don't let your partner hurry you. You have to be sure of what you want.

LegacyUser

I would be very wary of someone pushing me into a situation where I didn't want to go, whether work, family or in a relationship. I think it is very disrespectful, and may verge on controlling.

Can I ask the elephant in the room question: is there any reason,such as remaining in Ireland, that formalising your relationship quickly is important to him? Or does he have a very religious family that are pushing him into marrying quickly?

If it were me, I'd feel that if he were truly in love with me, then he'd be far more sensitive to how I felt about timelines, rather than guilting/pressuring me into something - especially given the relative briefness of your relationship.

This would all make me wary OP, as it does you, otherwise you would not have posted.

Lanalane

OP HERE
I am certain I want him and no-one else. I connect so well with him that at times I think he came out of my best dreams.

Comply with my fist: well I know his ex betrayed him, hurt him and left him after 5 years for another man. Maybe he is afraid I'll do the same.

Heretochat: yes he has asked me to marry and I have told him I am not ready right now but that he will be the one.

Pucamama: when I say I want marriage and children, why do I have to start right now??

Wiselady: he is 30 and I'm 26. I know his parents are putting alot of pressure on him to marry and this could be part of it. He is fully aware I am happy as things are but at the same time I hate seeing him down. I also hate the way people rush to get married like it's as simple as buying a loaf of bread. I know the rush for him is that he is not Irish and his visa expires next year. He is afraid of that date and wants to start his life here in peace without stupid visa officers giving him a hard time. He is coming to the end of his 7 years as a student. There visa laws really upset me and annoy me!
He is honestly the best person I have ever known. I love him so much and he treats me like a queen every day.
Also he is only allowed work part time here so he has to work 2 jobs and the jobs cause him alot of stress. He doesnt get a single day off to rest due to the awkward work hours!!
If I married him he could immediately work full time and his life would be easier. I would love to help him this second and I do feel guilty for being slow but at the same time id like to wait till I'm ready. I would die if he left me or gave up waiting and that's a fear.
His family are v religious Muslims and are pressuring him. They have accepted me as his future wife too which is good.
Jeneffy

Lanalane

Jeneffy: thank you so much I 100% agree. I have no doubt I wanna be with him forever but marriage doesn't make the love more real

Sand Wedge

Lanalane wrote: »

Jeneffy: thank you so much I 100% agree. I have no doubt I wanna be with him forever but marriage doesn't make the love more real

To be honest it looks like he only wants to get married to get the Visa. Split up now and save yourself alot of heartache. What country is he from and what country are you from?

ShaShaBear

Sand Wedge wrote: »

To be honest it looks like he only wants to get married to get the Visa. Split up now and save yourself alot of heartache. What country is he from and what country are you from?

Agreed, as soon as I saw your update OP, I felt bad - it's pretty obvious that he is only rushing you because he will have to move out of the country soon.

ABajaninCork

Lanalane wrote: »

Wiselady: he is 30 and I'm 26. I know his parents are putting alot of pressure on him to marry and this could be part of it. He is fully aware I am happy as things are but at the same time I hate seeing him down. I also hate the way people rush to get married like it's as simple as buying a loaf of bread. I know the rush for him is that he is not Irish and his visa expires next year. He is afraid of that date and wants to start his life here in peace without stupid visa officers giving him a hard time. He is coming to the end of his 7 years as a student. There visa laws really upset me and annoy me!
He is honestly the best person I have ever known. I love him so much and he treats me like a queen every day.
Also he is only allowed work part time here so he has to work 2 jobs and the jobs cause him alot of stress. He doesnt get a single day off to rest due to the awkward work hours!!
If I married him he could immediately work full time and his life would be easier. I would love to help him this second and I do feel guilty for being slow but at the same time id like to wait till I'm ready. I would die if he left me or gave up waiting and that's a fear.
His family are v religious Muslims and are pressuring him. They have accepted me as his future wife too which is good.
Jeneffy

Aaaah - NOW we're getting into it...

OP. I think you're right to rein back. The bolded parts of your post would have me running for cover. Look at what you've written here, and really think about it.

Lanalane

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Agreed, as soon as I saw your update OP, I felt bad - it's pretty obvious that he is only rushing you because he will have to move out of the country soon.

Yes true but is it not only because he doesn't want to LEAVE ME?
I feel I am his life he is always there for me every second when I need him and his fear is to not be allowed stay here with me unless we marry

Sand Wedge

Lanalane wrote: »

Yes true but is it not only because he doesn't want to LEAVE ME?
I feel I am his life he is always there for me every second when I need him and his fear is to not be allowed stay here with me unless we marry

Listen to yourself, of course he is going to show you total love and appreciation until he gets what he wants which is the VISA.

Are you Muslim also?

Lanalane

Sand Wedge wrote: »

Listen to yourself, of course he is going to show you total love and appreciation until he gets what he wants which is the VISA.

Are you Muslim also?

No

Oh OP, I would also be very slow to marry in this situation.

It's only been a year, he wants to marry for a visa... and if the family are that strict what are the implications for future children? Will they be whisked off to the home country regardless of what you want? Will you? Will there be pressure on any girls to marry too?? Will the family - a typical problem here regardless of background - expect to get their own way in everything? We have plenty of situations here where families expect this that and the other, and the OHs often cave in.

I feel I am his life he is always there for me every second when I need him

Well, it may be.
Maybe I am overly cynical.
But maybe you are his life because he wants a visa and reckons you're the likeliest route.

ShaShaBear

Lanalane wrote: »

Yes true but is it not only because he doesn't want to LEAVE ME?
I feel I am his life he is always there for me every second when I need him and his fear is to not be allowed stay here with me unless we marry

If he doesn't want to leave you, why doesn't he invite you to come stay in his home country when he has to move? I'm sure he doesn't have to stay in your country to be with you.

ABajaninCork

Another thing you should be thinking about, OP:

His highly religious Muslim family have accepted you a non-Muslim (and presumably Christian) as his future wife? Now why would that be? Most Muslims I know wouldn't accept the marriage nor the children whether you converted to Islam or not.

What do your family think?

Lanalane

Thank you for all your negative thinking. This negative thinking has upset me,
I see where you are all coming from but if you knew him and our relationship, you would agree he loves me to bits!!!

He shows all the signs of love! He is at my beck and call every second of every day. I can contact him any time I like and he will be there. Nobody can act for that long!
When I have a problem, he listens to it and makes it appear small. Life is easy with him by my side. He helps me through everything. He loves me so much and would do anything for me.
He regularly buys me gifts and he's extremely thoughtful. If I say my hands are cold, he will arrive with gloves!
He makes me dinner every time i call and he takes care of me and gives much more than i am ever capable of giving.
He is the kindest and best person I ever met and if he is using me, I will lose the will to live. I am quite intelligent and I can clearly see he is genuine.
It saddens me that people hear the word "visa" and say "he's using you"
I don't believe it's possible for a person to fake love and constant friendship. It's not possible for him to pretend to care for so long and he even gets jealous of other lads at times.

Lanalane

If he loves you so much and would do anything, then why complain everything is in the same routine and listen to his parents so much?
If he loves you that much and you don't want to marry yet (which is very understandable given it's only a year, regardless of everything else), then his visa will have to expire or he can find other legal means, and you can visit him to continue the relationship, and marry at a later date and bring him over.
If he's still singing so sweetly then, I'd be more convinced

Lanalane wrote: »

I don't believe it's possible for a person to fake love and constant friendship. It's not possible for him to pretend to care for so long and he even gets jealous of other lads at times.

Well yes, it is possible, people do it a lot to get what they want. Of course he'd be jealous if he wasn't genuine - there's a chance someone else is taking his visa away!
Anyway I'll stop being negative, you're the one going out with him.
All I can say is, don't let the visa issue or his parents pressure you into marrying. Do it at your own pace. Visa aside, I'm not sure what he thinks is going to change just by being married - I doubt there'll be much change to "routine"

Lanalane

bluewolf wrote: »

If he loves you so much and would do anything, then why complain everything is in the same routine and listen to his parents so much?
If he loves you that much and you don't want to marry yet (which is very understandable given it's only a year, regardless of everything else), then his visa will have to expire or he can find other legal means, and you can visit him to continue the relationship, and marry at a later date and bring him over.
If he's still singing so sweetly then, I'd be more convinced


Well yes, it is possible, people do it a lot to get what they want. Of course he'd be jealous if he wasn't genuine - there's a chance someone else is taking his visa away!
Anyway I'll stop being negative, you're the one going out with him.
All I can say is, don't let the visa issue or his parents pressure you into marrying. Do it at your own pace.

Thank you. I understand what you're saying. I feel he is losing his patience though. I just don't ever want to lose him and it would be my biggest regret Not marrying him if he leaves me and marries someone quicker.
I know I want this man as my future husband but is it unfair to make him wait until I'm ready? His parents will be pressuring him every day to get married! What if he leaves me and marries a girl in his country?

December2012

Lanalane wrote: »

Thank you for all your negative thinking. This negative thinking has upset me,
I see where you are all coming from but if you knew him and our relationship, you would agree he loves me to bits!!!

He shows all the signs of love! He is at my beck and call every second of every day. I can contact him any time I like and he will be there. Nobody can act for that long!
When I have a problem, he listens to it and makes it appear small. Life is easy with him by my side. He helps me through everything. He loves me so much and would do anything for me.
He regularly buys me gifts and he's extremely thoughtful. If I say my hands are cold, he will arrive with gloves!
He makes me dinner every time i call and he takes care of me and gives much more than i am ever capable of giving.
He is the kindest and best person I ever met and if he is using me, I will lose the will to live. I am quite intelligent and I can clearly see he is genuine.
It saddens me that people hear the word "visa" and say "he's using you"
I don't believe it's possible for a person to fake love and constant friendship. It's not possible for him to pretend to care for so long and he even gets jealous of other lads at times.

Then what's the problem? You know him more than anybody here. And yet you do t feel ready to marry him.

Is your marrying him a deal breaker for him?

What happens when his visa runs out?

Lanalane

Lanalane wrote: »

Thank you. I understand what you're saying. I feel he is losing his patience though. I just don't ever want to lose him and it would be my biggest regret Not marrying him if he leaves me and marries someone quicker.

Do you not hear yourself?
You say he loves you and would do anything for you, but then you worry that he'll leave because marrying someone, anyone is more important to him than you. Does this not tell you either his real priorities, or your insecurities?

I know I want this man as my future husband but is it unfair to make him wait until I'm ready? His parents will be pressuring him every day to get married! What if he leaves me and marries a girl in his country?

Then he obviously didn't love you enough as much as you say
Parents pressure loads of people all the time to find a boyfriend, get married, have a kid, have another kid. He's a grown man. He can say no to his parents. And if he can't, think about what a lifetime of listening to his parents' opinions instead of his own will do to you.

No, it is absolutely not unfair... it's only been a year.
If you were someone who'd been making someone wait 10 years, there might be a problem. But 1? No

Lanalane

December2012 wrote: »

Then what's the problem? You know him more than anybody here. And yet you do t feel ready to marry him.

Is your marrying him a deal breaker for him?

What happens when his visa runs out?

I don't feel ready for marriage full stop. It is nothing to do with him.
He promised he will never leave me for any reason but he brings up marriage on a regular basis. He wants to see some progress is all

ShaShaBear

Sorry OP but it is possible for a person to fake it. People looking for Visas do it all the time. In fact, if you take the time to read through the posts here, I would say you see one woman a fortnight coming in and telling us the exact same thing.

If he really loves you, he won't pressure you to marry him. If he really loves you, he will find a way to make it work long distance until he can get back to your country by legal means.

We are not being negative here OP, we are being realistic.

Tell him you decided you don't ever want to be married - see how quickly he changes his tune. You don't have to mean it, just see what happens. But marrying him just so he can stay in the country would be foolish. Ask him what kind of wedding he expects to have since you are not of his faith. Ask him what faith he expects his children to be raised in, and how he feels about them spending most of their time in the country with you. Ask how he will treat his daughters, as the rights and roles of women in Muslim countries are vastly different to what you would consider normal.

Actually think about what you are saying here!!!!

Lanalane

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Sorry OP but it is possible for a person to fake it. People looking for Visas do it all the time. In fact, if you take the time to read through the posts here, I would say you see one woman a fortnight coming in and telling us the exact same thing.

If he really loves you, he won't pressure you to marry him. If he really loves you, he will find a way to make it work long distance until he can get back to your country by legal means.

We are not being negative here OP, we are being realistic.

Tell him you decided you don't ever want to be married - see how quickly he changes his tune. You don't have to mean it, just see what happens. But marrying him just so he can stay in the country would be foolish. Ask him what kind of wedding he expects to have since you are not of his faith. Ask him what faith he expects his children to be raised in, and how he feels about them spending most of their time in the country with you. Ask how he will treat his daughters, as the rights and roles of women in Muslim countries are vastly different to what you would consider normal.

Actually think about what you are saying here!!!!

Thank you very much shashabear.
You tell me i should tell him I decided I don't want to marry. But see the thing is I HAVE to marry in order to be with him. I myself don't believe in marriage. My parents divorced and I've seen many marriages end. I dont believe it lasts forever. I believe relationships and love can last forever but getting married doesn't make it last forever. It's so easy and common these days for people to leave their marriage...
Sadly though I realise I have to marry in order to stay with my soulmate. Sadly Ireland won't allow him stay unless we marry.
I would love to keep him here and live with him but not marry but the laws only allow them stay if they marry an eu citizen.
So if I tell him I have decided I don't ever wanna marry, that would be the Same as me telling him he won't be in my future

ABajaninCork

Sorry, OP. You're heading down the same road as a friend of mine has. And it didn't end well.

Her husband was everything your partner is at the moment. Until the ring was on his finger, and she converted to Islam. He then started to treat her like sh1t, and use her as a punchbag. He also took up smoking, drinking and gambling - you know, all the things good Muslim men aren't supposed to do. She's also got two beautiful daughters by him. She now trusts him so much, the children's passports are with another friend for safekeeping...

Now that he's got his stay, he's trying to kick her out of HER house and divorce her.

Of course it might not turn out this way for you. I hope for your sake it doesn't if you decide to stay with him. And BTW - getting a stay isn't automatic once you marry. Did you know that??

You can't say you haven't been warned! What do your friends and family say?

ShaShaBear

Lanalane wrote: »

Thank you very much shashabear.
You tell me i should tell him I decided I don't want to marry. But see the thing is I HAVE to marry in order to be with him. I myself don't believe in marriage. My parents divorced and I've seen many marriages end. I dont believe it lasts forever. I believe relationships and love can last forever but getting married doesn't make it last forever. It's so easy and common these days for people to leave their marriage...
Sadly though I realise I have to marry in order to stay with my soulmate. Sadly Ireland won't allow him stay unless we marry.
I would love to keep him here and live with him but not marry but the laws only allow them stay if they marry an eu citizen.
So if I tell him I have decided I don't ever wanna marry, that would be the Same as me telling him he won't be in my future

You see, you already know what the problem is here. You know he wont make any other attempts to be with you unless you bend and do what he wants. You absolutely do not have to marry him in order to be with him, and to be very frank and blunt with you, you need to stop thinking the sun shines out of his crevices and look at the big picture.

He will only stay with you if you agree to marry him, and soon. That's simply not good enough. He is treating you the same way all Visa Hunters treat their girlfriends. He will treat you like a princess, making you think this is some fairytale love from your dreams, spoiling you rotten and then letting you know it will all end unless you become his wife. That is blackmail. If he really loved you - truly loved you, he would respect your feelings on marriage and start looking into another way to maintain permanent residence in Ireland. Or perhaps he would invite you to move to his country and spend more time together for a while until you decide. He could suggest long distance with holidays to see each other until he can get another Visa. PLENTY OF OPTIONS!!

It is not healthy for you to be so stricken at the thought of being without him, that you are contemplating doing something you are totally against. If he will give up that easily, then he is just not that into you. Tell him you do not want marriage, but are willing to try long distance until he sorts something else out. If he dumps you, you know for a fact he didn't care that much and you will be far better off. But seriously, listen to yourself.

LegacyUser

He might well be totally genuine, truley the love of your life.
If that is the case, a visa issue. Won't part you.

But he clearly didn't come here to educate himself. It doesn't take
7 years to get a qualification and he still isn't in a position to qualify for a work permit. Does he even go into college? Or is it one of those sham schools?
You say he works two jobs, is that for more than 20 hours a week in total? Is one of them cash in hand?
If he is prepared to pretend to be trying to educate himself, just for access to the country.
How desperate is the situation he left in his home and how trustworthy is he?


You don't need to get married for him to qualify to stay.
Once your going out two years, he can apply for stamp four on account of your defacto relationship.

This way, if it doesn't work out. Your not legally and financially tied to him for the next five years.

You have more time to learn about him and his culture.
To iron out the inevitable differences, before your under the pressure of being fully committed.

maguic24

Lanalane wrote: »

Thank you. I understand what you're saying. I feel he is losing his patience though. I just don't ever want to lose him and it would be my biggest regret Not marrying him if he leaves me and marries someone quicker.
I know I want this man as my future husband but is it unfair to make him wait until I'm ready? His parents will be pressuring him every day to get married! What if he leaves me and marries a girl in his country?

If he really loved you, he would wait until you are ready to marry. Marriage is a big step and a huge commitment! The fact that his visa is up next year and he is pressuring you into marriage is setting off alarm bells for me.

Why would the thought of him leaving you even cross your mind? I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about these insecurities and work through this. Can you talk to your own family or some close friends, as they would probably be able to give you better advice, as us boardsies only see one side of the story???

maguic24

ShaShaBear wrote: »

You see, you already know what the problem is here. You know he wont make any other attempts to be with you unless you bend and do what he wants. You absolutely do not have to marry him in order to be with him, and to be very frank and blunt with you, you need to stop thinking the sun shines out of his crevices and look at the big picture.

He will only stay with you if you agree to marry him, and soon. That's simply not good enough. He is treating you the same way all Visa Hunters treat their girlfriends. He will treat you like a princess, making you think this is some fairytale love from your dreams, spoiling you rotten and then letting you know it will all end unless you become his wife. That is blackmail. If he really loved you - truly loved you, he would respect your feelings on marriage and start looking into another way to maintain permanent residence in Ireland. Or perhaps he would invite you to move to his country and spend more time together for a while until you decide. He could suggest long distance with holidays to see each other until he can get another Visa. PLENTY OF OPTIONS!!

It is not healthy for you to be so stricken at the thought of being without him, that you are contemplating doing something you are totally against. If he will give up that easily, then he is just not that into you. Tell him you do not want marriage, but are willing to try long distance until he sorts something else out. If he dumps you, you know for a fact he didn't care that much and you will be far better off. But seriously, listen to yourself.

Couldn't have said it better myself!!

December2012

Look, if we assume everything is all above board and that his intentions towards you are purely based on love and his wishes for his life and not pressure or visa - then why can't he wait?

If his visa expires, so what? You will have to have a long distance relationship. You can visit, text, Facebook, Skype.

And wait and see.

And nothing wrong with that - you don't owe him a visa.

Meauldsegosha

OP there was a thread almost identical to yours about a year ago. It went round in circles as I expect this one will. Firstly, you don't "HAVE" to marry anyone the fact that you put it in capitals speaks volumes. Secondly Irish visa laws and officials are not stupid, I suspect these are actually the words of your boyfriend. He's brainwashing you

I'm going to give you the same advice I gave the other poster. Read back over your posts as if they were written by someone else and think about what advice you would give them. Be completely honest with yourself, that is the very least you owe yourself. Also talk to family, friends or a trusted work colleague and tell them exactly what you've said here. My guess is they will give you the same advice you got here.

LegacyUser

OP...
I speak from experience. I can only tell you to maintain your caution. I'm not going to counsel you as regards religion , but I will say that tradition is often a greater dictator as to how guys like him eventually treat women. As another poster has said, if he is here as a student the last seven years, then surely he must be able to regularise his situation without having to marry. Please don't let him pressure you, you will resent it later....
You are right not to want to rush, and don't.
Good luck.

kylith

Lanalane wrote: »

Thank you. I understand what you're saying. I feel he is losing his patience though. I just don't ever want to lose him and it would be my biggest regret Not marrying him if he leaves me and marries someone quicker.
I know I want this man as my future husband but is it unfair to make him wait until I'm ready? His parents will be pressuring him every day to get married! What if he leaves me and marries a girl in his country?

No. It is unfair of him to push you if he knows that you're not ready. If his parents are pressuring him then it's his responsibility to tell them that he is waiting for you to be ready.

If he leaves you because you're not ready to get married and then he marries someone else that'll be proof positive that marriage is simply a visa ticket to him.

Lanalane wrote: »

I don't feel ready for marriage full stop. It is nothing to do with him.
He promised he will never leave me for any reason but he brings up marriage on a regular basis. He wants to see some progress is all

Agreeing to get engaged after only a year is progress.

Lanalane wrote: »

Thank you very much shashabear.
You tell me i should tell him I decided I don't want to marry. But see the thing is I HAVE to marry in order to be with him.

No, you don't. If his visa runs out and he has to go back to his country you can have a long distance relationship and then, when you feel ready, ye can get married and then he'll have his spousal visa.

I myself don't believe in marriage. My parents divorced and I've seen many marriages end. I dont believe it lasts forever. I believe relationships and love can last forever but getting married doesn't make it last forever. It's so easy and common these days for people to leave their marriage...

So it's not even that you're not ready, its that you never really want to get married and he's pushing you into it.

Sadly though I realise I have to marry in order to stay with my soulmate. Sadly Ireland won't allow him stay unless we marry.
I would love to keep him here and live with him but not marry but the laws only allow them stay if they marry an eu citizen.
So if I tell him I have decided I don't ever wanna marry, that would be the Same as me telling him he won't be in my future

If he was your soulmate he wouldn't be trying to push you into things you're not comfortable with. As I've said above ye can have a LDR and marry at a later date.

Have you thought about what happens if you do marry him? If his parents are religious then they won't be happy with their son marrying a non-Muslim so the pressure to convert will be on, would you be happy to convert to Islam? What about children? Are you happy for them to be raised Muslim? Are you aware of all that that entails? Are you willing to give up your way of dress, your nights out with the girls, much of your autonomy?

Honestly this reminds me so much of stories I used to read in my Mum's Bella magazine: 'Egyptian Heart Throb Said He Loved Me But All He Wanted Was a Visa'. They had a different story along the same lines, from a different woman, every week. They all read like your posts: he said he couldn't live without me, he wrote me poetry, he lavished attention on me, he bought me presents, he told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world, he said that we only needed to get married and we could be together forever, and when he got his visa for the UK he vanished without a trace.

I am in no way saying that all foreign, muslim, or Arab men are visa-hungry tricksters, of course they're not. However the rush to marry, the fact that he seems to have convinced you that you HAVE to marry him now or lose him forever; it's fishy. Really, really fishy.

Stavro Mueller

Out of curiosity, did you have many boyfriends before this guy came on the scene?

Lanalane

Cymbaline, I had 2 boyfriends before this guy. 1 very long term boyfriend and neither compared to the perfection of him and our relationship. Everything was drama in my past relationship and it's so smooth in this one. He is incredibly understanding and we always solve arguments quickly and happily- we just match so well!!!! I am crazy about him and he honestly treats me like a queen!!! He does everything for me and buys everything for me- he spoils me rotten and he really knows how to make me truly happy!!!!

Back on topic, when he asks me "what is the delay? What is holding you?" I never know what to say back.. Perhaps I do have a fear in my heart that it's a visa he wants and not me... I really feel confident of his love though so it's only a very slight fear!! Are there really honestly true stories of men who faked a love so deep, a soulmate love and then showed their true colours after getting the visa??
I can see a friend of his married an eastern European girl, And they both are still very close and happy together so if he's anything like his friend he's honest too..
I really love him to bits and if there was nothing he could be using me for (I.e. A visa) I would be the happiest girl in the world!!! If I knew he couldn't be getting any benefit from being with me, it would make me more secure and ease any doubts!!
People here advised me to let him leave
once his visa expires and stay in a relationship but I worry so much about the intense pressure to marry his family would put him under. You have to understand it's a different culture, a culture where they marry strangers and they marry quickly!
Bhutto, he loves it here in Ireland and he works 2 jobs with 2 bank accounts. He's very intelligent and I'm so attracted to his intelligence.

njs030

Op you sound like your trying to convince yourself.

If this man is so desperate to be with you then he won't let his family force him into marriage with someone else.

Like many many people have said to you before me- its a different culture and way of life. That means you need to think even more carefully about a serious commitment!!

Taltos

Lanalane wrote: »

Are there really honestly true stories of men who faked a love so deep, a soulmate love and then showed their true colours after getting the visa??

Yes there are unfortunately, pick up a Sunday paper sometime or browse online.

Lanalane wrote: »

He's very intelligent and I'm so attracted to his intelligence.

Clearly not that intelligent if he continues to try to force you to do something you are not ready to do, nor that intelligent if he keeps asking you why.

Lanalane wrote: »

He is incredibly understanding and we always solve arguments quickly and happily- we just match so well!!!! I am crazy about him and he honestly treats me like a queen!!! He does everything for me and buys everything for me- he spoils me rotten and he really knows how to make me truly happy!!!!

I really think you need to take off your rose tinted glasses. Read back over the replies here - as well as what you are replying with. The more you attempt to convince us the more I am convinced otherwise. Sorry. If you are truly happy then why are you posting here? All of his actions and how you describe your relationship set my alarm bells ringing I'm afraid.

Lanalane wrote: »

Back on topic, when he asks me "what is the delay? What is holding you?" I never know what to say back..

"What's the rush?" - One brother was with his now wife 13 years before they got married, me - 6 years. My other brother is with his partner 9 years and there is no sign of any marriage there - they are happier without that stress, cost and for them a meaningless ceremony.
Why can't you just be honest? Or if you have been - the bigger question is why can he not accept your honesty???

Personally I really do think you are being played, but I don't think you are ever going to accept that until it's too late.