Tuesday Funnies

MonkieSocks

Finding her young son scooping ice cream in the kitchen, a mother raged,

"Dinner is going to be ready soon. Put that ice cream away and go and play."

"But mum" wailed the child, "There's no one to play with."

"OK," said the mother wearily, "I'll play with you.

What do you want to play?"

"Let’s play mummy and daddy.

You go upstairs and lie on the bed."

So the mother went upstairs and lay on the bed.

The boy put on his father's fishing hat, lit up one of his cigars, went upstairs and opened the bedroom door.

Seeing him standing there, the mother asked,"

Now what do I do?"

The boy answered,

"Get your ass out of bed you whore and fix that kid some fookin ice cream!"

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My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job.

Pretty funny when you think about it,

Because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a Cnut.

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A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop.

The dad says ‘I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla.’

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: ‘What do you want, fat-head?’

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, ‘Why did you call him that?’

‘I'll tell you why,’ says the dad.

‘There's really only three things a man wants in life.

First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.

Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town.

Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along.’