I cant handle my boyfriends family!

LegacyUser

Hi
ill try to make this short.
moved to my boyfriends hometown or village. I got on with his family before this. When I moved down his sister started ignoring me, being passive aggressive. If they asked us to do something and we couldn't she would say I didn't like her or things like that.. when she would only ask us at last minutes notice or once in a blue moon. Basically she made things very awkward and I find her very cold and standoffish. I text her to ask her what was the problem she would nt reply but would tell everyone else that I text her so basically communication was not going two ways.
I noticed when she was with my boyfriends mother the mother would not speak to me but was friendly when the sister wasn't there.
My boyfriend is nt speaking to his mother for over 5 months because he saw his mother blatantly ignore me when the sister was there.
He tried to talk to her about it and say he was hurt by it but she just denied it. So he is angry with her for denying a problem. He called around to talk to her and she wasn't there so he said it was up to her to call back to him. I called around to his mam twice to ask her to come and sort this out she looked me straight in the face and said she would and she still hasn't . They used to be very close and this has caused a rift and both of them are being stubborn. I was talking to his mother up to recently but now I am not because I am upset she looked me straight in the face and said she would call and didn't . Why couldn't she just say she didn't want to ,
I talked to his sister after her losing the head with me telling me im like a twelve year old so awkward that I expect everyone to make an effort with me. I agreed to put our differences aside for the sake of it but her husband is still very passive aggressive with me and throws out these comments. For example we were out and our drink s got mixed up and he said oh I spat into your one in a joking way but I m sick of being the blunt of the joke. It s like its all an act pretending to be friendly but they especially the husband comes out with these comments. and I just don't know how to deal with them.
My boyfriend isn't talking to his mother I feel uncomfortable around his sister and her partner. I know there is a theme of denial in their family as it is obvious one member is depressed and the other is an alcoholic yet know one seems to want to notice. I ts just beyond me. To make matters worse they are constantly talking about other families and gloating I just feel like screaming at them and saying "take a look at yere own before you look at other peoples"
What to do??????????
I think this is going to cause a major strain in my relationship. Sometimes I think that s what the sister and brother in law want. I just cant handle the fakeness and tension around them !

boomchicawawa

God, I don't envy you. You seem to be a lovely girl and its great that your partner supports you against his family. They sound like right weapons, they should be glad their son/brother has found someone so sound but they obviously like to stir it up with perceived problems that just don't exist. My immediate reaction is to get out of town, both you and him and put them behind you but I know these days people are not as free to come and go as they used to with jobs and money being tight.

By the sounds of it, you have tried to be the peacemaker and they will not meet you half way. Do you have to meet up with them ? Would it make it worse to totally ignore them, it seems your partner has decided its best to do this. Maybe you should just follow suit instead of trying to patch things up with them. I suspect that you somehow feel that the new low in their relationship is your fault, but you couldn't be more wrong. In an ideal world you would all have a group hug but reality is never like that and I think you have tried your best and can do no more. Whats important is your relationship, they should not have the power to come between you. Concentrate and making each other happy and kick them to touch !!! Good Luck

Mayboy

Take a bus away from there....and don't be bothering yourself or your partners heads with them, really life is too short.

jdsk2006

Find somewhere else to live, get out of that village asap.

Minimise your exposure to them.

Encourage your partner to go see them without you

Stop caring what they think.

I promise you, there really is no point arguing with fools! Dont let it spoil your relationship, take back your control over the situation and accept they dont like you -for whatever reason that doesnt matter anyways...... right?

LegacyUser

hi
thanks for all the replies I never saw them until now.
Ya I see what ye are saying it just hurts me that my boyf and his mother are not speaking. When they do meet she tries to pretend like they are speaking its very strange its like there is a serious denial going on he says he is sick of it and is not backing down. Also I don't know what kind of a mother can ignore her son for that length of time. She never calls him or anything he could be dead on the road and she wouldn't know.
My own family are far from perfect also but I know if I was upset with my mother over something it would definitely not be let go that long (as I said we are far from perfect also) .
I suppose it s up to my boyfriend whether he ll swallow his pride and go talk.. .. thanks again

jdsk2006

Your two different families with two different dynamics. They sound like a lot of work to be honest and hardly worth the effort. Its not your responsibility to ensure his mother makes amends.....butt out of it! Medling in their affairs will bring you no good

Queen-Mise

I have two slightly differing opinions on this, and they conflict:rolleyes: So I'll give them both anyway.

1. You talked about the problems within your OH's family that they are not facing. People in denial and defensive can sense judgement a mile off. Maybe they are sensing yours and reacting - in the only way they know how, passive aggressiveness.

2. His family's business is none of yours. They are not your best buddies, or your family.
The most they may ever be is in-laws - and all the jokes about in-laws being out-laws, and all the MiL jokes, are there for a reason.
Keep a firm distance, don't take any of it personal. Get on with your life, your relationship. Don't let this affect you, take up your head space, stop talking about it, listen to your boyfriend if he wants to vent, etc.

Basically smile and pass yourself. If you absolutely have to talk to them, then talk about things that interest them, i.e. their kids, animals, the post at the end of the garden, anything, but you.

LegacyUser

hi
Thanks for all replies. Ya I know its not my business it just annoys me his mother has nt contacted him in a while as it hurts him. He is worried about x mas coming up and wether he should go talk to her.. I said she probably wont like to hear what he has to say so maybe wait and see if she does contact him.. again its not business I suppose. It would be nice for everyone to get along and it really is over something stupid it just seems ridiculous. If he meets her she tries to pretend nothing is wrong in front of other people.

LegacyUser

Hi OP I am in a similar boat as you but I've found keeping out of it is best. My OH mother is one of these controlling types and if we don't do things her way, she stops talking to us. Not so much with me as I can be blunt and outstraight in a polite way, but she knows with me that I am my own person and I do things my way.

With my OH though, she stops speaking to him for days if he doesn't jump when she says so. I pity him terrible as he hates when she gives him the silent treatment. I just grit my teeth though as I know once we get our own place, she will have NO say in what we do. It's going to be great, we're kind of stuck in a rut at the moment as he's in college and I don't make a whole lot wage wise so just playing the waiting game.

I would keep out of it if I were you, it's only going to upset you and wreck your head. Be neutral and be there for your other half!

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

The things that rang alarm bells for me was the comment about "your like a 12 year old" and "expect everyone to make an effort with you". What has your own interaction been like at family gatherings, do you sit in a corner and expect everyone to speak to you. Do you interact much? Or do they think you expect people to go out of their way to be all buddy buddy with you? I could be completely off the mark here, but seems like a very specific grudge the sister is holding rather than this being completely random as you have stated.

mashedbanana

Ya, you will have families in deep denial. Can't fix, won't fix the obvious problems. Sweep them under the carpet.

His sister kinda ignoring you, and being passive aggressive towards you, is maybe her way of showing you her feathers have been ruffled! Was she used to having her mom all to herself? The mother not really speaking to you infront of the sister, is to make the sister feel better. I trust you know that. The mother knows she is doing wrong, but to keep a quiet life....

I think that she did have full intentions of sorting things out with her son, your bf, but his sister had a word ith her on the quiet I'd imagine. So that scuppered those plans. I'd safely say, that mother is caught in the middle, and the daughter is pulling her heart strings. The mother seems too much of a eejit to do the right thing.

someone very Very close to me, fell out with his mother for years ( a decade) he was surprisingly okay about it, and so was She! They sorted things out eventually, but the fractures are very obvious. She was 'said & led' by her other children, who were only 'feathering their own nests'. she was too much of a mow mow, to make things right with him sooner. Lost out on a decade of his life, and her gkids life. All because she was so opinionated & judgemental. He now couldn't care less about her tbh. It bothered me in an awful way for a long time. Family fight, and argue, but falling out with mammy for 10 years? wha? it happens though.

I know well, you can push and shove all you like for him & his mum to talk, but he'll end up resenting & fighting with you over it at the end of the day. When the do start talking, there will still be issues. They will never be willing to talk about the obvious problems in the family.

Start as you mean to go on. Keep your distance, otherwise they'll drag you down. Civil & strange. Be polite and smile, don't give them an inch. Above all else, MOVE AWAY!!!!!! RUN!!!!

I have often come on here anonymously of course! with some really bad and hurtful situations, and I got some good straight talk to help me. With regards to dealing with inlaws, no amount of sweet talk, butt kissing, helped me! Being the 'perfect' daughter in law just points out to them, their own short comings! So that didn't work either.

Talking about other families, and other people takes the spot light of them. This happens in a lot of families. You could be sat there with your mouth hanging open with absolute shock & disgust. It won't be noticed!

Civil & strange. keep your business to yourself. Keep convo's light. (weather, economy, etc) Best of LucK!!

LegacyUser

Familyvalues wrote: »

Hi Op,

The things that rang alarm bells for me was the comment about "your like a 12 year old" and "expect everyone to make an effort with you". What has your own interaction been like at family gatherings, do you sit in a corner and expect everyone to speak to you. Do you interact much? Or do they think you expect people to go out of their way to be all buddy buddy with you? I could be completely off the mark here, but seems like a very specific grudge the sister is holding rather than this being completely random as you have stated.

no im very outgoing but get the heebi jeebies around a few of them so do stay quiet. just don't feel comfortable in there company .. thanks for all the other replies by the way cant reply and thank individually

LegacyUser

It is a horrible situation to be in. Your boyfriend could have end your relationship to keep his mother happy. He told his mother that she was not treating you this way and the mother got in a huff. Meanwhile his sister is telling Mammy what a horrible person you are.
At this stage his mother is siding with the sister to keep a quite life. His sister and her husband think that it is only a matter of time before your relationship ends.
My feeling is that the sister may not like you for a number of reasons - you might have got a better education, have a good job or maybe she see you as a threat to her future.
I know in some families were there is property, land or money involved that another person having a serious realtionship with a brother or sister can make the rest of the family very uneasy as they could lose there inheritance.

From what you have told us your boyfriends family sound like people who can only exist in there own little world. They have nothing going on in there lives so they have to comment on other people.
One of my freinds got married to a decent man but his family would be like your boyfriends.
My freind tried for years to get on with his mother but no matter what she did or said nothing would make his mother happy. She know that the mother chats about her to the rest of the family and makes comments to her husband re the hours his works just to keep her (my friend) happy.
My freind has now decided that she is not going to try with this woman any longer as she just can't win no matter what she does or says.
My advice to you to just to ignore the mother and sister. If you met them out in the local area just say hello to them. If could both move away from the area I would consider doing this. Don't let these small minded people end your relationship.