Tuesday Funnies

MonkieSocks

Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said

"Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me,

"You idiot, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance:

A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David.

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old.

They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:

"This looks like a woman.

We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem.

You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey,

so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them.

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didnt grow, they would take to the sea for food.

The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. It says:

Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Woman!"
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I went into a florist and said, I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my wife.

The florist looked at me and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it your after?"

I replied ; "A shag."
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Man goes to India for a cheap cock extension.

The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk at £3000, Man agrees.

6 weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night.

While chatting over dinner, his cock flips out, steals an apple off the table & goes back.

'Wow' she says, can you do that again?

He says my cock can, but i dont think my arsehole can take another apple!
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This kid came up to me, must have been about 10, and said

"Excuse me Mr, can I have a cigarette, please??"....


I couldn't fookin believe it.... A kid of ten with manners!!!!
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I was kicked out of a shop earlier for fookin some dirty hoe up against the wall.

I left immediately.

But not before quickly fingering a lawnmower.