My best friend's husband hates me

scobysnacks

I have two very close friends. One who I have known since I was a teenager (friend x), and the other all my life (friend y). Friend y married to a man who hates me with a passion. Not known for his discretion, the husband goes out of his way to be rude to me including recently deleting me from his friend list on Facebook (though members of my family are still there). At first I tried to just ignore his subtle bullying but it's becoming unbearably uncomfortable.

There are a number of other complications. I no longer live in Ireland (though really want to move back). Secondly and more importantly, I introduced friend x and her husband to friend y and the husband about three years. They have all become really close. I am now scared that not only am I losing Friend y but also friend x. I don't want to lose either of my friends but I feel like I am losing the fight. I am distraught and don't know what to do. How can I find a workable solution?

Caonima

scobysnacks wrote: »

the husband goes out of his way to be rude to me including recently deleting me from his friend list on Facebook (though members of my family are still there). At first I tried to just ignore his subtle bullying but it's becoming unbearably uncomfortable.

This is bullying? Deleting you from a social networking website?

freshpopcorn

scobysnacks wrote: »

I have two very close friends. One who I have known since I was a teenager (friend x), and the other all my life (friend y). Friend y married to a man who hates me with a passion. Not known for his discretion, the husband goes out of his way to be rude to me including recently deleting me from his friend list on Facebook (though members of my family are still there). At first I tried to just ignore his subtle bullying but it's becoming unbearably uncomfortable.

I know a lot of men in particular who delete people on facebook if the people are constantly sharing links or write stupid statuses. It just annoys some people and if they feel they don't really need to contact the person its just easier to delete them. So how is this man bullying you?

scobysnacks wrote: »

There are a number of other complications. I no longer live in Ireland (though really want to move back). Secondly and more importantly, I introduced friend x and her husband to friend y and the husband about three years. They have all become really close. I am now scared that not only am I losing Friend y but also friend x. I don't want to lose either of my friends but I feel like I am losing the fight. I am distraught and don't know what to do. How can I find a workable solution?

Your friend x and y and their husbands have every wright to become friends. Have you tried chatting to them on skype?
Also if your stuck in another country have you tried to make friendships their at work? Have you joined club out their? You can always forum new friends if your willing to make the effort.

Mighty_Mouse

I suspect you are over-reacting.
You are friends with x & y, not their husbands.
Anyways, some people you will just not get along with in this world.
You could be on a desert island and you will find nothing to talk with them about.
You can't control your friends relationships.
Move home and take it one day at a time.

Big Bag of Chips

Your friend's husband doesn't have to like you. So long as he is not coming between you and your friend or "forbidding" her from contacting you, then it really doesn't matter.

And Facebook is *just* Facebook, a way of keeping in touch with people. If he doesn't like you, or is not your friend why would he keep you in his list. Why would you want him on your list?

ABajaninCork

My friend's partner hates me too! Fortunately, I live too far away for him to really bother me. If I ever have to speak to him, I'm nice, polite and super-friendly. P1sses him off no end!

Just ignore him. He'll only impact your life and your friendship if you allow him to. Concentrate on your friend, and leave him out of it.

jdsk2006

Has your friend ever said anything about her husband and you not getting along?

wallycharlo

Are you sure that 'hates' is the most appropriate word here?

Or could it be a case that he just doesn't really give a hoot about you one way or another, and looks on you as someone who he has very little in common with, etc?

Perhaps you can provide some examples of his rudeness to you?

scobysnacks

I rarely post on Facebook. Of course deleting me from FB is not bullying, but if a person posts loads of crap, the polite thing to do would be to delete them from your feed, especially if it is your partner's closest friend.

This man is a bully but more often with actions rather than words. He usually leaves the room when I call over and makes a lame excuse not to go out when I am around. When planning a night out he will make it as awkward as possible for me to get there, as my parents live on the opposite side of the city and I haven't got access to a car. He also often makes nasty comments(sometimes disguised as a joke but he means it) about my appearance, intellect , preferences etc.

I don't have a lot of friends, just a small close group but friends are really important to me. Both of these friends are like sisters and are very dear. This man is making it really difficult to socialise with the group, so I can't just ignore him. Now friend y is starting to get ratty with me for no reason . The flow of conversation isn't as natural as it used to be, as I often have to tiptoe around her. She is really influenced by her husband. Her taste in music, films etc has changed dramatically. As I mentioned this man has no filter. I've heard him say some really nasty stuff about his friend's wife, so I can only imagine what he is saying about me.

As for my current location. It's a developing country. The expats come and go all the time, as this place is very challenging to live in. I am not fluent in the language (though working hard at it) and have to work for myself, so I am having it tough making local friends. I keep in touch with everyone via Skype. I dream about moving back all the time but at the moment it is not possible.

I really want to try and find some kind of peace with my friend's husband before I lose the whole group but I am unsure of how to address the situation.

wallycharlo

scobysnacks wrote: »

...He usually leaves the room when I call over and makes a lame excuse not to go out when I am around. When planning a night out he will make it as awkward as possible for me to get there, as my parents live on the opposite side of the city and I haven't got access to a car. He also often makes nasty comments(sometimes disguised as a joke but he means it) about my appearance, intellect , preferences etc....

I would not get too hung up about him not staying in the room when you are there, or not wanting to out with you, as he simply may not have any interest in spending time with you. I would behave the same way with some of my partner's friends, and she would likewise have very little in common with several of mine.

The comments stand out to me as something different though. Making personal comments on your appearance / intellect is indeed nasty, and sound indicative of something more hostile than him simply not seeing you are someone who he has any interest in being friendly with.

freshpopcorn

scobysnacks wrote: »

I rarely post on Facebook. Of course deleting me from FB is not bullying, but if a person posts loads of crap, the polite thing to do would be to delete them from your feed, especially if it is your partner's closest friend.

I'd say get over the facebook thing. Ye're not friends so why does it matter?

scobysnacks wrote: »

This man is a bully but more often with actions rather than words. He usually leaves the room when I call over and makes a lame excuse not to go out when I am around. When planning a night out he will make it as awkward as possible for me to get there, as my parents live on the opposite side of the city and I haven't got access to a car. He also often makes nasty comments(sometimes disguised as a joke but he means it) about my appearance, intellect , preferences etc..

He might leave the room when you call over because your friends with his wife and not him. He might want to give ye private time together or he might just find ye're conversation a little boring. How exactly does he make it awkward for you when ye go out? Why don't you plan a girls night for for yourself and your girlfriends at your preferred location.

scobysnacks wrote: »

I don't have a lot of friends, just a small close group but friends are really important to me. Both of these friends are like sisters and are very dear. This man is making it really difficult to socialise with the group, so I can't just ignore him. Now friend y is starting to get ratty with me for no reason . The flow of conversation isn't as natural as it used to be, as I often have to tiptoe around her. She is really influenced by her husband. Her taste in music, films etc has changed dramatically. As I mentioned this man has no filter. I've heard him say some really nasty stuff about his friend's wife, so I can only imagine what he is saying about me.

As for my current location. It's a developing country. The expats come and go all the time, as this place is very challenging to live in. I am not fluent in the language (though working hard at it) and have to work for myself, so I am having it tough making local friends. I keep in touch with everyone via Skype. I dream about moving back all the time but at the moment it is not possible.

I really want to try and find some kind of peace with my friend's husband before I lose the whole group but I am unsure of how to address the situation.

If your living abroad and don't see them why are you on about socializing with these friends when your in a different country? Maybe because your not around you and friend y doesn't have as much to talk about as before. Did you ever consider your friends preferences in films/music can change over time and she mightn't like the stuff she used to before. People can change and they can like things by simply giving them a try this might have happened to your friend.

If he does make comments you try and ignore them and only plan stuff with your female friends without him.

banie01

scobysnacks wrote: »

I rarely post on Facebook. Of course deleting me from FB is not bullying, but if a person posts loads of crap, the polite thing to do would be to delete them from your feed, especially if it is your partner's closest friend.

So you think that to spare the feelings someone who he does not consider a friend, that rather than delete you from Facebook that he should just block you from his newsfeed?
Seriously?
Why should he care how his deleting makes you feel?
You are not his friend and you being friends with his wife does not mean he owes you any more consideration than he gives anyone else he isn't friends with.
You are his wife's friend not his.

scobysnacks wrote: »

This man is a bully but more often with actions rather than words. He usually leaves the room when I call over and makes a lame excuse not to go out when I am around. When planning a night out he will make it as awkward as possible for me to get there, as my parents live on the opposite side of the city and I haven't got access to a car. He also often makes nasty comments(sometimes disguised as a joke but he means it) about my appearance, intellect , preferences etc.

So, he's made it clear(In your opinion) that he isn't your friend and that he doesn't like you.....
Yet he should stay in a room and be sociable when you call over?
Why?
He should make an effort to socialize with you and include in his/their plans?
Again, Why?
My partner has friends I don't like and vice versa!
They are her friends not mine and I would rather avoid the company of people I don't like than spend time in their company to avoid hurting their feelings, because frankly I don't care about their feelings.(And i don't expect her to like or make an effort with those of mine she doesn't like either)
If my partner expected me to pay lip service to her needy fragile friends in that regard, she would be sorely disappointed.(as would i in her shoes)

He should pay some kind of consideration to events he plans just because someone he doesn't like(in your opinion has some awkward travel arrangements across town to make?
Why?

With regards to him making comments and so on, if it bothers you pull him up on it.
That is about the only aspect of his behaviour I'd consider bullying, but that said Taking the piss and slagging is part of the Irish condition and one that is often taken too far.

scobysnacks wrote: »

I don't have a lot of friends, just a small close group but friends are really important to me. Both of these friends are like sisters and are very dear. This man is making it really difficult to socialise with the group, so I can't just ignore him. Now friend y is starting to get ratty with me for no reason . The flow of conversation isn't as natural as it used to be, as I often have to tiptoe around her. She is really influenced by her husband. Her taste in music, films etc has changed dramatically. As I mentioned this man has no filter. I've heard him say some really nasty stuff about his friend's wife, so I can only imagine what he is saying about me.

As for my current location. It's a developing country. The expats come and go all the time, as this place is very challenging to live in. I am not fluent in the language (though working hard at it) and have to work for myself, so I am having it tough making local friends. I keep in touch with everyone via Skype. I dream about moving back all the time but at the moment it is not possible.

I really want to try and find some kind of peace with my friend's husband before I lose the whole group but I am unsure of how to address the situation.

You have moved abroad, left the confines of what sounds like a fairly close and compact circle of friends....
You expect to slot back in to same group again when you make a trip home?
And that regular skype can take the place of actual socializing?
It can't! and expecting it to be anything more than a way to keep in touch is I think a little naive.
The friends in Ireland will develop and change their own interpersonal relationships without you.
I spent 4yrs abroad and while I still have some of the same friends now as I did before...
None of those friendships stayed static, and the parameters of all of them changed.
And now that your friends social group has changed as have her preferences, Its down to her bully of a husband manipulating her?
To share more of his interests and god forbid find some more common ground for their relationship to saty strong?
You are a friend of her's, you left the country.
Their social dynamic has evolved/moved on/changed/whatever you choose to call it, but its her husbands fault?
And not down to actual life?
People growing, relationships changing, likes and interests changing and drifting are all part of life, very few people have the same friends now as adults, as they did as children.
Sometimes a lot effort is wasted in hanging onto what a friendship ''used'' to be....
Rather than accepting it for what it develops into.
If you haven't realised these things happen yet, welcome to adulthood....
The world isnt black and white anymore.

Est28

I might get flamed for this but I feel like this is a complete over-reaction.

I've done purges on my friends list on facebook in the past and I've noticed I was included in other peoples purges. I don't really care. I don't dislike anyone but some of them are people I haven't seen or heard from in a long time or not really bothered with as I never actually meet them... who cares, you guys aren't close so who cares?

In terms of the bullying. I don't even get it. Guys are guys, they mock people. It sounds like you're being overly sensitive.
I mean it just sounds like you two were never close, not that there is some big conspiracy. I mean, some partners of my friends I've grown to really like and got close to and some I don't mind them but never found a great personal connection with them so I'm just polite but dont go out of my way to socialize with them on my own.
You haven't said 1 thing here that constituted bullying.

If you two ACTUALLY don't get along... you must have done SOMETHING that he just didn't like. I mean, you don't alude to a single thing that you might have done. Are you really a saint in that respect? If I ignored someone or was nasty to them then there'd be a reason.

Lastly, you're in another country. This is typcial of all Irish abroad. They won't let go. I've seen so many people come to where I am and leave 12 months later. Yes, going back to what they called a "**** hole" when they left because now they are homesick trying to cling to friendships and everything back home. Let go and get on with your life. You are not there day to day and you can't live like you are. Their lives go on, so does yours.

scobysnacks

Thanks for some really good food for thought.

Sure, I am not a saint, but who is really? I honestly don't know what I have done to p## him off. I've never been rude to him and always try to be interested in what he has to say etc. I do that because I care about my friend. In fact, I have even defended him when one of my family members(the one still on his FB list) was calling him every name under the sun. I guess some people just hate others.

As I said, my parents live very far from the city. It's hard for me to get across town. They all have cars. Friend y hardly drinks. The bully always insists that they meet in their neighbourhood rather than in town. It's 15 minutes drive for them to the centre. For me, to get across town is 1.5 hours. When I am only back for a short time it helps if the location can be central. When I organise to meet my friends, I would hope for a compromise. I'm only back once or twice a year at the very most.

I don't expect him to be friends with me, but it's just good manners to be polite to people, even if you don't like them. I don't think that's too unreasonable to ask.

Friend y and I have been in various different countries over the last decade and our friendship always remained strong (the type that it's just like you were always together), basically, until she and her husband became close to friend y and the bully. That's the part that I am most upset about.

I left Ireland on a few months travel break, not because I thought it was a hole and met my husband. I always fully intended to return, but as we know, the recession happened. Getting a job in my husband's, or my field would be almost impossible at the moment, so we have to stay put.

Some friends come and go, but others always remain in people's lives. My parents have friends for life (some who live as far away as Australia), as do all my siblings. Although life is always changing, true friends generally remain constant. I only have handfull of them and really want to retain them.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you ask to meet somewhere centrally, or do you think they should "just know"?

I think in this situation, as it's your friends that you are really interested in catching up with it's up to them to pick, or agree on a location and try to accommodate you a bit better. You seem to be affording him an awful lot of power. It would seem your 2 friends are also happy to stay local, and not too inclined to travel towards town... yet he's the only one you're blaming.

Maybe they don't drive the 15 mins to town, because if they're meeting you for a few drinks, none of them want to drive? It obviously suits them all to stay locally. Not everyone is considerate of others and they probably *all* think "majority rules" and there's more of them, so you should go to them instead of all them to you.

Stop focussing on him. Accept, for whatever reason, he doesn't like you. And try maintain your relationship with your friend, seperate to him. Next time you're home suggest "the girls" meet up in town.

scobysnacks

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you ask to meet somewhere centrally, or do you think they should "just know"?

I think in this situation, as it's your friends that you are really interested in catching up with it's up to them to pick, or agree on a location and try to accommodate you a bit better. You seem to be affording him an awful lot of power. It would seem your 2 friends are also happy to stay local, and not too inclined to travel towards town... yet he's the only one you're blaming.
.

I always ask to meet centrally because of public transport and the cost of taxis. Friend x and her husband are easygoing and go along with what friend y and the bully want to do. Friend y doesn't really drink, so driving isn't an issue.

The Pheasant2

It's not exactly uncommon for guys to dislike their gf's friends and I think your situation is just that - he dislikes you. "Hates" is too strong a word to use IMO based on what you've said he did. Deleting you from fb and leaving the room when you visit aren't hateful acts.

The truth is he probably just finds you irritating or something - you've done nothing to him as you say but maybe he just finds your personality to be annoying and therefore tries to limit the time he spends with you

Next time try and organize something just with the girls. You'll get full access to your friends, he won't be there to make traveling difficult and you won't have to see him either

Calhoun

scobysnacks wrote: »

I always ask to meet centrally because of public transport and the cost of taxis. Friend x and her husband are easygoing and go along with what friend y and the bully want to do. Friend y doesn't really drink, so driving isn't an issue.

From the sounds of it like BBOC has said above you are affording him allot of power or putting allot of blame onto him. The whole hate vibe is a two way street and from what you have said on thread it looks like you dont really like him, he could be just picking up on that and mirroring some of it back to you.

The other side of it then is whats already been said about people's relationships changing. It could be that the four some that are at home are more comfortable with each others company and staying around the area. Irregardless of 15 min's or not some people dont like socializing in town.

Final point here is like it or not your now the outsider, your coming home from abroad expecting it to be a special time but for them they are just living their lives. Maybe have a girls only night out in town and come over to their area with all the couples but dont expect people to upset their routine everytime you visit (not that i am saying you are). It just seems like you have high expectations on what you guys should do now your back.

kikel

Ya should stop calling him "the bully" Call him by his name. Or fake name when on boards.ie. Associating him with these words will always give him the power in YOUR subconscious.

YOU need to change your thinking in these situations. It won't be easy and it will take time. I would recommend every time you go meet this guy to to say out loud 10 things good about him or he is interested in. It will give you the power to see him in different light. Then when he feels your interest in him directly or from your friends his attitude will eventually change or warm to you.

I'm not saying that this is easy and does take time.

The reason I say all this is that I could be seen as the "bully" in some of the relationship I have with my partners family. I can't stand been in the room with them. They constantly hang on to things from the past. Every time I have any dealing with them I practice the above, always looking at what is good and positive. It help me divert away from the rubbish they talk about.

Hannibal Smith

I have had a friend who's husband didn't like me. We're no longer friends. I know he was backstabbing me, but more fool her for going with what he said rather than trusting the friend she had since school. So good riddens.

If your friendship is a good strong one, it shouldn't make a difference what her husband thinks. If its not, you'll eventually get peed off enough to not care anymore.

Idle Passerby

scobysnacks wrote: »

As I said, my parents live very far from the city. It's hard for me to get across town. They all have cars. Friend y hardly drinks. The bully always insists that they meet in their neighbourhood rather than in town. It's 15 minutes drive for them to the centre. For me, to get across town is 1.5 hours. When I am only back for a short time it helps if the location can be central. When I organise to meet my friends, I would hope for a compromise. I'm only back once or twice a year at the very most.

Why not make the arrangements yourself when you come home? Get in touch saying "we are all meeting at X time at Y place, hope to see you there". That way you guarantee its somewhere you are happy with.

Or ask to meet friend Y without her husband, say you'd just like a quiet coffee and catch up. Surely when you're home so infrequently it's your friend you actually want to meet and not her husband who has no time for you. If your friend has little interest in meeting you for a casual coffee I'd be inclined to believe she has lost interest in the friendship.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter how much you want to maintain a friendship if the other person isn't that pushed.

Starokan

Friendships can change when one of the parties get married, the closeness never goes from the friendship but the amount of time actually being in touch tends to dwindle so if your not hearing from your friends as much dont automatically assume its them moving away from you

Based on what you are said id be fairly sure your friends husband has some sort of issue, its probably not as personal as you think though. The facebook issue I would not think about he may just want his close friends left on, i think you have to accept you and he will never be friends and to maintain your own friendships I would suggest meeting them on your own for a girls night out or for lunch etc.

December2012

You keep calling him a bully but I cannot find one example of bullying in the behaviour you have described. Maybe he doesn't like you, maybe he doesn't like your husband. And that's ok. Because its his wife your friends with

Your friend's partner has their own friends. You're not included in these, which is fine, it's his choice. It's unreasonable to expect him to like you just because of your friend. You can't be liked by everyone - I know people dislike me for whatever reason and instead of focusing on these people, I instead put it on the people that do. Much better and leads to less annoyance.

As for Facebook - I have no idea how many friends I have right now, so I never notice when someone deletes me from their contact list. And even if I did, it wouldn't bother me. There are more important things in life.

LegacyUser

I actually disagree with some of the other posters OP. Though it's ridiculous to expect your friend's partner to like you by virtue of your friendship alone, it's another thing for him to be openly hostile. To be honest, if my partner went explicitly out of his way to make a friend of mine feel uncomfortable or disliked, I'd see it as quite disrespectful. You don't have to get along with my friends, but you can still be diplomatic about it.

For example, when he leaves the room, is it a case of making polite excuses and going? Or is it jumping up in an 'Oh shlt, here's X' kind of way and legging it? I must admit I find it telling that he makes snide comments about your intellect/appearance - unless you're just being sensitive, that certainly strikes me as uncivil behaviour. I don't have a lot of time for many of my partner's friends, but I'd never go out of my way to cultivate any kind of animosity.. we're all adults, like.

The best thing you can do is maintain the distance from him that he evidently desires. Just keep in touch with your friend and socialise with her. Like another poster said, if she's a friend worth having, she wont let his attitude affect her relationship with you. If it does, then no love lost. Best of luck.

dudara

You really need to stop calling him "the bully". Whether he is or not, you're casting him in that Villian role, and not giving him any chance. No matter what he does, he'll always be that to you.

You also seem to trying to hold onto friendships, which is an admirable thing. But friendships, even the best kind, don't always last for life. So maybe you should assess if the friendship is still valid. If it is, then you're going to have to manage your issues with him, so that it doesn't leak into your friendship and spoil it.

todders

scobysnacks wrote: »

I have two very close friends. One who I have known since I was a teenager (friend x), and the other all my life (friend y). Friend y married to a man who hates me with a passion. Not known for his discretion, the husband goes out of his way to be rude to me including recently deleting me from his friend list on Facebook (though members of my family are still there). At first I tried to just ignore his subtle bullying but it's becoming unbearably uncomfortable.

There are a number of other complications. I no longer live in Ireland (though really want to move back). Secondly and more importantly, I introduced friend x and her husband to friend y and the husband about three years. They have all become really close. I am now scared that not only am I losing Friend y but also friend x. I don't want to lose either of my friends but I feel like I am losing the fight. I am distraught and don't know what to do. How can I find a workable solution?

Sounds like there's more to this story.

I'd like to hear the husband's side

OP, either your friends are indeed your friends, or they're not. If they've changed or grown into different people than before then that's their right, and if you don't like the way they're behaving now, you need to see that as an issue between you and them. Not one of their husbands.

Resorting to deciding that the husband is a bully and the situation has been designed by him, why not actually take responsibility for the situation (after all, it is two of YOUR relationships that you're trying to maintain) and be proactive about being a worthwhile friend to your two friends.

Yellow121

Did no one else read the part where the husband of the OP's friend makes fun of her appearance and questiones her intelligence? Nearly everyone seems to be ignoring it. Maybe ye should go back and read it again.
This man sounds horrible, making nasty comments behind people's backs also. OP you don't have to put up with that, tell your friends and see if they have noticed it. You'll find out soon enough where their loyalties lie.

daisybelle2008

Yellow121 wrote: »

Did no one else read the part where the husband of the OP's friend makes fun of her appearance and questiones her intelligence? Nearly everyone seems to be ignoring it. Maybe ye should go back and read it again.
This man sounds horrible, making nasty comments behind people's backs also. OP you don't have to put up with that, tell your friends and see if they have noticed it. You'll find out soon enough where their loyalties lie.

Because the OP could be taking banter and ball hopping completely out of context. It is hard to know, but the OP has taken a very fixed position, where she is a victim of a 'bully' so there is a good possibility her interpretation is skewed. As we only ever get one side of the story here, it is best to be objective and not encourage a one sided witch hunt, it also serves the OP, as it helps gain a bit if perspective and balance.

December2012

That could be a comment about anything, a joke, a slag, a bit of banter, or it could be more.

But without being there how do we know that's indicative of how he treats her?