Best friend with mental health issues around your kids...

LegacyUser

Hi, hoping I am posting this in the right place...

I have a friend who is my 'bff' for nearly 3 decades now, we both have young kids.

She has confided in me about getting psychiatric treatment for hearing voices, saying very negative things about her & about her kids.

We tell each other absolutely everything & am really happy that she has confided in me (as I knew she was worrying about what I'd think) and am delighted to hear how positive she feels about her treatment. She says she knows she could never hurt a fly & wouldn't even dream of acting upon the voices directions.

I feel terrible though as since she confided in me about what the voice said regarding hurting her children, I am worrying about having her around my own kids, and about her and her kids naturally. We have lived quite a distance away from each other for over 5 years now & rarely get to see each other, but I have recently moved back to the same area as her...which I am delighted about at the same time as being nervous of my kids with her.

I have no experience or not much knowledge regarding mental health issues...am I being a terrible person for thinking this of her...in my eyes everything is possible & I'd never risk my kids safety.

MODS: please feel free to move this post if I am in the wrong place, thanks!

NicoleL88

guestabc123 wrote: »

She has confided in me about getting psychiatric treatment for hearing voices [and] she knows she could never hurt a fly & wouldn't even dream of acting upon the voices directions.

It's only natural to be concerned about the welfare and safety of your own children as well as others but the part that I've quoted seems to suggest that you don't have anything to worry about.

She has sought treatment which shows that she wants to get better and also has voiced to you that she would never act upon what the voices suggest, whatever that may be.

I just think it's important for you to remain a good friend to her. It's a positive sign that she's opening up to you about it.

LegacyUser

I am really happy she has opened up to me about it, only I and her husband know about it & I want her to be able to talk whenever she needs.

I can't stop thinking about what if she has a bad week or something happens and she starts to pay attention to the voice...I am just concerned it may be irresponsible of me to leave my kids with her

December2012

Well would your kids ever be alone with her? If not then there's no problem I can see.

skyfall2012

I understand your fear. I have a sister with schizophrenia and I have young kids. To be honest, it is not always easy to tell when they are well or not. My sister has recently reduced her meds and I am finding it difficult to gauge whether she is well or not. Personally I wouldn't leave my kids alone with my sister, not that she would hurt them, but because her mind would be else where and I would not be sure if she would be as alert as she would need to be.

I think if it came to the crunch you could also confide in your friend, though it may hurt her, but I think she should understand how you feel about her babysitting or whatever. But hopefully it wouldn't affect your friendship, because what she needs most in the world right now is a friend.

LegacyUser

She has said to me, while laughing but I knew she was being serious, that she understand if I don;t "want a lunatic around your babies" ...I know she said it like this as she is able to see a lighter side to all this as well as taking it seriously, that's just the type of person she is....and normally we are able to say anything to each other without worrying the other will go off on one.... but I just couldn't bring myself to reply what I really felt (that deep down I would worry if she invited my child over for a play date for example)

I didn;t know how to say it, it is my first time ever dealing with anyone with a mental health issue, that I know of of course...I have close relatives that are alcoholics that have their own kids and parent them every day & I make excuses to not let them take my kids for playdates or out anywhere.

I guess I am thinking that anything is possible and she could very well listen to a voice one day, who knows....but maybe there are people out there who understand this better than me who would say that there is very little chance of her taking heed of a voice they hear in their head.......it's confusing....and shocking to me to hear someone say they hear a voice that has said to hurt their child...but maybe I am just over sensitive & ignorant

CarMe

Oh that's an awful position to be in OP, I think it took so much for her to tell you that I wouldn't let her know how you feel to be honest, however, I wouldn't leave her alone with your kids either. Just have excuses ready, I know honesty is usually the best policy but you don't know how much the truth could hurt her or hinder her recovery etc.

skyfall2012

guestabc123 wrote: »

She has said to me, while laughing but I knew she was being serious, that she understand if I don;t "want a lunatic around your babies"

I think this is her letting you know (in a light hearted way) that she is not going to put you in a position where you would have to broach the subject of her being alone with your children, as she already understands the way you might feel about that.

OP, she has mental heath issues. She has to deal with them every day. If anyone understands what a hindrance they are in trying to live your everyday life, she does.

You should support her in every way you can, but when it comes to kids, you can't take any chances. If she's a good friend, she will understand that. One of the biggest steps in recovering from mental illness is accepting your limitations, and the knowledge that you might always have to be wary of your own judgement.

There shouldn't be any problem with her being around your kids on a daily basis with you around, but if you're not comfortable with leaving them alone with her or having her babysit/playdate, that's ok, and while you might have to be diplomatic about how you say it, you're perfectly entitled to air any worries you might have. They're your children, it's ok to put them ahead of your friend.

Mayboy

Well done for taking the big step and talking about this. All too often people don't talk about mental health issues at all. Go with your gut - do you trust her - well then be 'normal' (whatever that is!) and treat her as you have always done. She is having a hard time and trusted you to confide in - well done to you both for working through this so respectfully. If it were me I'd exercise common sense but love your friend like you always have. THe big issue for many people with mental health issues is the stigma (real or otherwise).

LegacyUser

I feel for both of you: well done to your friend for being so open with you, and well done to you for keeping your kids uppermost in your thoughts, without stigmatising her.

It's a hard call; your kids are obviously your priority, and they are less able to deal with any situation that may arise than you are. Without making a big deal of it, I would continue to see your friend, but not leave your kids alone with her. That's not to say that she'd harm them in any way, but she may be overwhelmed/unable to cope with the added stress, and that's no good for her or for your kids.

I hope with treatment and/or medication that she can overcome/deal with her problems, but your priority is naturally your own family. Perhaps you could test out how comfortable you are with your kids being in her home, but personally I would be so uncomfortable with the issues she has spoken of.

I think you should see her as a family, but not leave the kids there. I'm sorry if that offends anyone, through caution/ignorance of the likelihood or not of her ability to cope, but I just wouldn't let my kids be the test of her ability to cope, very especially after what she has said to you.

Blisterman

I think people here are being a little bit unfair, in how they're stigmatising this women's mental illness.

While nobody here knows exact circumstances in this case, the vast majority of people with treated schizophrenia are perfectly normal, and no more of a danger than anyone else. She is presumably able to raise her own kids just fine.

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Blisterman wrote: »

I think people here are being a little bit unfair, in how they're stigmatising this women's mental illness.

While nobody here knows exact circumstances in this case, the vast majority of people with treated schizophrenia are perfectly normal, and no more of a danger than anyone else. She is presumably able to raise her own kids just fine.

Its nice to see some common sense. Once Bi polar is managed the person is fine.
She will most likely be seeing a psychiatrist regularly, discussing how shes feeling and getting her medications balanced which can take a while. it may even take a few different types of medication to get the right one.

I've experienced BP in my family and the person is well able to look after there kids, manage a house, hold down a job and interact with people at a normal level.

As you said OP, this is the first time you've met someone with mental heath issues that you know of. The truth is that once its regulated, you wont know the difference.