Dad doesn't show emotion

LegacyUser

This is something that's been playing on my mind recently. I'm in my late 20's and my dad's in his 60's.

Basically my dad has a problem with showing emotion. I realised a while back that as far as I can remember, I don't think he's so much as even hugged me, let alone show any feelings or said "I love you". Even when I try and say "thanks" for something, he gets all embarrassed and awkward.

It's not something that really bothered me until now. I know he loves me. If I ever need any help with anything, he's always more than willing to help. And as they say, actions speak louder than words. I'm just a little worried that it's something I'll regret when I'm older. My friend's dad died suddenly a while back, and it's really given me pause for thought.

Last time I was staying at my parents, it was just me and him there, so I tried to hug him as I was leaving. And he completely backed out of it, and gave me a pat on the arm. It was incredibly awkward. But I really wish he was a bit more open. I'd just appreciate people's thoughts on the matter.

Ave Sodalis

Some people just aren't the emotional type. That's just the way they are and it's only them that can choose to change this.
I know a few years ago that I hated getting hugs. I would back away or just stand there. It didn't mean I disliked the person hugging me, it just meant that it wasn't my choice way of expressing myself as it made me feel uncomfortable. I still don't tell people I love them and I rarely give out compliments. Again, it doesn't mean I don't love them, I just prefer to show them in my own way.
I know the death of another can find you thinking about your own life. You're left with a lot of "what if"s and "what about when"s. You could try speaking to your father about it. Letting him know why you suddenly feel it's important.
Or you could change your perception on it. In a few months time, or even next year, do you see yourself going back to accepting your fathers way of expression naturally?

freshpopcorn

Some people are not the hugging type. Maybe to your dad giving you a pat on the back is his way of giving you a hug. If your know your dad loves you and you love him. To me this is all that really counts.

December2012

Best thing to do would be to say you would like a hug.

GalwayGuy2

Last time I was staying at my parents, it was just me and him there, so I tried to hug him as I was leaving. And he completely backed out of it, and gave me a pat on the arm. It was incredibly awkward. But I really wish he was a bit more open. I'd just appreciate people's thoughts on the matter.

Actually, that sounds kind of sweet

I guess it might be easier to talk or bond if you're with him in a place where is he familiar with and doing something other than talking. Eg: Having a pint at the pub, fixing something, cooking, etc.

P. Breathnach

sup_dude wrote: »

Some people just aren't the emotional type....

Forgive my quibbling: I think it might be better to suggest that he is not demonstrative.

History lesson: OP, when your father was a child (about the time I was a child) many parents were undemonstrative. Some people of our generation did not manage to overcome the inhibitions that they acquired in childhood.

Neyite

Y'know what OP, I'd say perservere with showing affection.

My dad came from a very undemonstrative family and going back to college after a weekend I'd hug and kiss my mother and tell her I loved her, then my younger siblings would do it, and while dad was initially a tad awkward just like yours, we continued to do it, and in a very short while, he got used to it, and actually enjoyed his children's affection for him. He died having had hugs and kisses and his hand held right until the end and it was actually a big comfort for him, and for us. It also opened up the ability to talk about our feelings more, which was good for him when he got ill and needed to say how he felt about the illness, and nearing the end.

Tell him about your friends dad, that it made you realise life is short, and thats why you want him to know how much you love him, and that you enjoy the closeness of a hug. I'm sure that while he was awkward initially, you probably made him glow inside for a week.

To be honest OP I don't think it's something you can change, and I think you're lucky as it is to have such a good relationship with your dad.

My dad doesn't hug me, but if he did I'd be extremely uncomfortable with it. I don't think he loves me, which doesn't bother me at all really, but I consider myself lucky that we get on and don't have any quarrels/grudges. I'm 22 and still at home, but once I leave I don't imagine I'd ever get in touch except for practical reasons.

I've known people who had terrible experiences with their fathers. Fathers who were aggressive alcoholics, or who beat them, or who had constant screaming matches with them, or who gave them verbal abuse on a daily basis. I know you love your dad and you want some affection from him, and there's nothing wrong with that, but I really think you should count yourself blessed and accept the way he is.

marizpan

He doesn't hug because it wasn't done when he was a child.
You can either teach him to receive / give hugs or accept that he doesn't know how.
But life is short, so I vote for teaching him.
Either way, it's not a personal reflection on how he feels towards you.

Tramps Like Us

My dad is the same, my mam is the one who does all the hugs in our family. I'd feel awkward to hug him, or any guy tbh! I don't mind if its a woman. I remember when he was really sick in hospital and about to have a procedure where there was a good chance he could die, myself and my brother went in to see him, we just firmly shook hands and kinda nodded at each other, no one needed to say anything. Meant just as much to me as if we all burst into tears and started hugging and saying how much we loved each other. Thankfully he is ok now!

People show love and affection in different ways, I don't think its anything to regret that my dad never really hugged me, I certainly never thought so when it looked like he might die.

LegacyUser

My dad's the same. I know he loves me but it's only at times when emotions are high (like the day I graduated from college, death of my mum) that I've got to see it. I instinctively know that being overtly affectionate would make him very very uncomfortable. He knows I love him too and that's all that counts. Why do we have to keep telling each other that when we understand without words or hugs that that is the case. We display our love for each other in different ways in our everyday lives.

You've got to ask yourself for whose benefit this is for? It's unlike you're going to change his personality that much. You're running the risk of making him feel very uncomfortable around you and afraid you'll embarrass him again. Is it really worth that?

Big Bag of Chips

Our family aren't the huggy type! Nobody in our family has ever told anyone else (in the family) that they love them. I remember when we were in primary school, maybe around 1st or 2nd class, part of our homework was to hug our parents and tell them we loved them. My heart sank! I had to build myself up to do it.

But... I now have my own family, and my kids are sick of hearing me tell them I love them!

I have no doubt my parents & siblings love me. Sometimes I think it would be nice for us to tell/show each other occassionally. But we don't. It just feels awkward.

I understand what you mean by you'd like to be able to hug your dad. And if you want to persevere then of course you should. But I don't think your dad is unusual, or there is anything wrong with your relationship. Do you hug your mam?

ShaShaBear

My dad was never a huggy or emotional type, again because it was not something he was shown as a child. I never passed much remark on it as a child, but as I got older it irked me a bit and I tackled it head on when I got into college in August 2010 (at 22) by saying "Are you proud of me Daddy?" I started to cry and it just totally set me off, he gave me a big hug and told me he loved me very much and would be proud of me nomatter what. I'm so, so glad I took the initiative - the following March he died unexpectedly from an aneurysm. I thank the blessed heavens every single day that I got that moment with him. Don't be afraid to confront your dad! He's probably dying to show you how much he cares!!