Issue with friend and his girlfriend

Tramps Like Us

I've been friends with this guy for years and years, very good friends.

A few years ago he started going out with a girl I introduced him to, she had been my friend for a while before that. Over time me and my other friends (we're all 20/21/22) noticed he came out a bit less often and rarely came out by himself, all of which is perfectly understandable and normal. However his gf doesn't get along with my other friends, this is largely her fault, whenever they try to talk to her she would barely respond and would never initiate conversation. But she would talk my head off, or even that of near strangers she'd meet on a night out. For a long time I defended her by saying she was just shy but in hindsight it's clear she just doesn't like them, when they left she'd tend to make snobby remarks about them. She also didn't like clubs, drinking or anything and would tend to sit somewhere in a corner, and her bf would sit with her, he's normally the life and soul of the party. This tended to kinda ruin nights out, as I'm sure you can understand having somewhere there in the group who is constantly moaning and sulking ruins the vibe. When he'd come out by himself we'd all have a blast, and he'd always be super eager to come out.

Anyway to cut to the chase I moved away for college for a year and didn't see much of my old group of friends, cept for their birthdays which I'd come home for. At the start of the summer I moved back home and reconnected with them. He'd pretty much never come out now and when he did his gf would make him leave early. When he tried to do something without her she'd tend to turn up, for example we met up during the day, just me and him to play pool and catch up after me being months away and all of a sudden he gets a ring and she turns up. A few days later one of my other friends was having a party in his house for his birthday, we were just gonna drink beer, play fifa etc it was strictly no girlfriends, even his own wasn't there, but the friend in questions gf tried to crash it even though she knew she was not invited (I had personally explained it to her). She never seems to let him go out by himself, its happened a few times that she would turn up on a night out at about 12 O'clock, as a surprise. Often when we'd have a party in someones house (when I say party I mean we'd just mess around listening to music, drinking most of the night, I don't mean a mad one with drugs, we're all pretty tame) and when she would come she would not mingle with anyone, just sit at the kitchen table and insist at leaving at 12 and having him drive her home, ie he couldnt drink and would miss most of the party. None of the other girls we are friends with would act like that, strange thing is a bunch of her female friends would generally be there too and she often goes on late nights out with just them, on "girls nights out".

Anyways at a house party for his 21st the lads kinda blew their tops, at the party it was pretty much just the group of lads, his parents, and his gfs friend and her bf. The bulk of us were in the conservatory and every time my friend came out his gf would come get him, and drag him back inside closing the door, to an otherwise empty room to talk with her friend and her bf. They refused to come out and sit with the rest of the group despite being asked to a number of times. As soon as they left they came out to the conservatory and she started moaning about wanting to go to bed/home. Pretty obvious that she just didn't want her bf to hang around with us. Previously I had defended her because I was her friend too but it was insultingly obvious at this stage.

Anyway everyone felt pretty insulted about this, things came to a head so to speak. He seemed (to me) completely oblivious about what was happening because it had gradually got to this stage over a long time. They said to me that he regularly goes out with her friends. Anyway the lads were pissed off with him and some were saying that they would just stop inviting him to things, but I argued that one of us should explain things to him, that ended up being me.

I met up with him and explained the situation in as nice a way as possible, he was pretty flabbergasted. He said he went out loads without his gf and she was always giving out to him for doing so. I pointed out that this was wrong and he agreed with a lot of what I said, I tried to not have a go at his gf and basically said that she goes out without him, all of our friends in relationships go out without their oh's every so often and so should he, especially considering she is always miserable when she comes out and obviously doesn't enjoy the company. He thanked me for telling him and said he felt there had been some tension for quite a while and he understood what it was now, and he didn't want to lose his friends.

For the next two weeks or so he put in a load of effort and talked about it with some of the guys and everyone seemed happy until he just stopped coming out again and we've only heard from him rarely. I reckon what happened is that he put his foot down for a couple of weeks, she went mad and demanded to know what was going on and he explained, and now she is super pissed with me and my friends. She would usually talk or text me once a week or so but I've heard nothing from her since then.

The real shame is is that his gf is a really nice person, she would just never talk to any of his friends except for me. We used to be very close. It seems to me that she just doesn't like his friends and wants him to stay away from us and socialize with her friends instead

I understand that when people get into relationships their priorities change and stuff but none of my girlfriends have ever tried to stop me from hanging out with my friends as she has. I just dont understand why she wont let him go out by himself once or twice a month. As I said he wants to and is very eager but come the day things change.

Is there anything else I should say or do? I think I've pretty much done all I can at this stage and I'm thinking I should just leave him to it and forget it. Very sad to do so because he is one of my best friends. The lads think that the ball is in his court now and sin é.

Sorry for such a long post!!

Big Bag of Chips

You're right. That was very long... I skimmed!!
At the end of the day you can't control him. If he is happy in his relationship then it is not for you to change that. It happens very regularly when people start relationships. My husband's friend had a gf who would constantly check up on him. Woul dgo on her own nights out, but would ring him every 15 minutes if he was out. One night she went out for the night and then to stay with her friends. He came to our house where it was me, my husband, his 6 year old daughter and 8 year old niece. She rang to see what he was doing. He said he was in our house, and she started demanding, who was there, why did he call over, was there a party etc.. she rang him ever 20 mins or so after that to see what was going on.They lads were watching telly, and I was baking scones with the kids!! She's now his wife, and my husband has very little contact with him. But he seems happy.

You've pointed out what you think is wrong. It's now up to him whether he wants to do anything about it or not. If he doesn't... There's nothing else you can do.

gugleguy

There is'nt really anything you can do op. Not without becoming a third wheel in their relationship - this is the undesirable part in a threesome - i don't mean to sound so harsh, but to be cruel to be kind, i'd go with Big Bag's advice.;)

Catphish

Op you might dislike the hold she has over him, but you've all done what you could for now. It's up to him at the end of the day. It's his choice whether he is happy with her influence on social life.

If she is saying bitchy things about some of your friends then I don't think I'd call her a friend if mine tbh. You always said she was sound etc, but the fact of the matter is a new partner can bring something out of a person you've never seen before.

As an aside, there is nothing wrong with him going out with her friends, as new friends can be made when you meet someone.

If you wanted to talk to him about it lightly again, explain it shouldn't be a tug of war between friends. He needs to put this to his gf, and if he doesn't there is nothing further you can do Im afraid.

MJ23

He's being whipped.

Tramps Like Us

Thanks guys, I thought as much. He doesn't seem happy tbh, he just seems to get annoyed, then go along with whatever she says.

What I can see happening is him breaking up with her down the line, then having no friends.

I just wanted to make sure I exhausted all options before just leaving him to it. I wouldnt mind if he'd meet up with me to play football, just hang out or whatever but she always comes or turns up after an hour, and sulks on the sidelines and understandably he feels under pressure then to leave.

Consensus then is just to leave him to it?

December2012

It's his mistake to make.

maria34

Ah it will be over very soon, let him learn his lesson.

Catari Jaguar

OP, I have a friend whose girlfriend treats him pretty badly and tries to control his friendships and explodes at him accusing him of cheating etc. It's so frustrating and disheartening to see. I told him how I feel, he values my opinion, he occassionally kind of stands up to her but then she wears him down again and again. Sometimes he seems so broken and cut up from it. I feel like I am banging my head against a wall, I wish could shake some sense into him. It's such an obvious solution in that he needs to stand up to her and tell her to cop the fcuk on. But he doesn't want to or won't for his own reasons. His lack of balls or whatever. I dunno.

It hurt me too much to keep seeing/hearing about and was causing me emotional drama getting dragged into it so I had to make the decision to cut him out. At least, am trying to. Like another poster said, his mistake to make. You see people and want to help them but they don't want to help themselves so you just have to step back and think of yourself. He's made his choice. Nothing you can do.

Podgers

Being in a very similar situation as your friend, what you see and everyone else can see he may never realise it until the relationship has ended or maybe he will just get to breaking point one day and will have enough. No matter what you say to him or what anyone says he is going to have to work this one out for himself unfortunately. Only he can only determine his own happiness, but personally i couldn't see it lasting, theres only so much a person can take of that drama/control.

Sad thing is he is missing out on the prime of his life, you often see people posting here how they were not in a relationship etc but its not all rosy!

What got me was my friends were out enjoying themselves doing things they wanted to do, i had to ask for permission for going for a pint! i was surprised that my friends would even speak to me after the way i shrugged them off while in the relationship. The only thing you can do is let him be, i'm sure he will come to realise it someday.

happyviolet

I'd say it will end soon, OP, if your friend has 1) a smart brain on him and 2) the balls to stand up for himself.

I always always found that it is usually the ones who are meek, desperate for love and attention, and sometimes dumb who keep putting up with this type of crap, tbh.